


The Mirrored Tides

by loveanfriendship



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-03-03 12:51:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 32
Words: 146,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13341633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveanfriendship/pseuds/loveanfriendship
Summary: Cassia Brownell  just wanted a normal life in District 4. She would gladly leave the Hunger Games to her victor mother and career-in-training twin sister, Gwen.  She should of realized that things would never go as she wanted.Finnick x OC





	1. Chapter 1

“ _They're not just sisters and twins. They're best friends, and they care genuinely about each other._ ” - Chelsi Welch

* * *

 

 

Ever since she could remember it had always been just them. Cassia and Gwen. Gwen and Cassia. They had to learn early on to be what the other needed, especially with their mother, Isadora Brownell.

Isadora was a victor of the Hunger Games. According to what Isadora told them when they were younger, she was trained as a typical Career from a young age, volunteered, won, and then sometime after her Victory Tour, got pregnant with Cassia and Gwen.

Growing up with a victor as a parent wasn’t as pleasant as many people would think it was. Sure, they never had to worry about money or if there was going to be food on the table, and they got pretty much what they wanted growing up, and some of the other victors were nice and welcomed both Gwen and her with open arms like Mags. But people never saw what went on at night, they only saw their mother as a celebrity; someone to look up, the best of the best. It was more often than not, that Isadora would find her two daughters sleeping in the same bed because they could hear her screaming from nightmares, or sometimes just hearing her get drunk, so that Isadora didn’t have deal with the worst nightmares she sometimes got.

It also meant that when they were nine, Isadora got them into training as a Career. She told them it was more as a precaution because even though she was a victor, it didn’t stop from her daughters names being put in and drawn. She would rather have them have the knowledge on how to defend themselves instead of ending up dead. It was that last reason why Cassia even went into the training. She never wanted to be trained and had no desire to go and learn how to kill someone. If it put her mom’s mind at ease then she would do it. But she made her mom promise that it would be only for self-defense and nothing else to do with the games. Cassia had always wanted to be able to live a normal life, find a guy, fall in love, get married, and have a couple children. Gwen, on the other hand, loved it and wanted to follow in their mother’s footsteps. Gwen was a natural at learning everything, it didn’t help that she had the cockiness and the passion to do it. Where Cassia hated it, Gwen thrived in it. Gwen had always taken more after their mother; while Cassia took more after their unnamed and unwanted father.

People always think that since we were twins, identical twins at that, that we are the same person just split into two different bodies.

That’s not true.

Yes, they have the same curly dark brown hair, dark brown eyes, mocha skin colour, and have the same build. That was where the similarities ended. Gwen wore her hair short, so that it was just brushing her shoulders, and always wore a turtle necklace. Cassia wore her hair long, she had to wear glasses, and always wore a bracelet that had seashells with different fish pendants hang on it.

Their personalities couldn’t be more opposite than night and day.

If someone were to ask Cassia the first word to pop into her mind about her sister it would be: Confidence.

Gwen was a very confident person. Everything that Cassia was not. Gwen was always the first to say her mind. The first to ask questions. The first to prove that she was her own person and not just part of the same person. The first to get kissed because she started it. The first to lose her virginity because she wasn’t afraid. The first to get told good job after their self-defense and career training. The first to do everything. Cassia just couldn't do any of those things. She was always behind her sister, wanting with all her heart to do all that, but needing her sister to lead. It really didn’t help that Gwen was also, analytical, down-to-earth, critical of everything especially her training, very opinionated, rude, blunt, aggressive and quick to anger, and secretive. Though Gwen did have her good qualities too. She was dependable, very down-to-earth, and very loyal to the people she loved and cared about.

If someone were to ask Cassia what the first word to pop into her mind when asked about herself it would be: self- conscious. If you were to ask Gwen that same question, she would look at the person, not hesitate one bit, and say confidently: kind hearted.

Both of these words would describe Cassia right down to her core. She was self-conscious of her appearance, of what people thought of because she lived in the shadows of her mom and sister, she wasn’t confident enough, wasn’t as good at Gwen at everything. She had something that made people love her, something different from her mother and sister, and that was that she was kind hearted. She is a very cheerful and friendly person saying hi, smiling, or helping people when need. She knows what she wants in life and why she wants it but not the confidence to get it. She’s always looking for an opportunity to investigate the unknown and interested in learning about everything. Unlike Gwen, she can express herself and has a unique way of thinking. At times, she can be impatient especially when she doesn’t get or understand something after the first few tries, and impulsive. She has the ability to bring an idea to completion. Everyone, but the ones that really know Cassia personally, would be surprised to know that she is as stubborn as a bull and she will stick to her guns if she believes in something, even though the thing she believes in might be misled and not worth the effort and she has a temper that is hard to start.

Even though Cassia was envious of her sister and sometimes thought that their mother loved Gwen more. Gwen was her sister, her family, and Cassia would do anything for her. Even if it meant doing something impulsive, reckless, and Gwen and mom would kill her for it later.  
None of that mattered because in the end, Gwen was more than her twin and her sister, she was her best friend. Which is why Cassia did what she did, even though she knew her mom would be worried and Gwen would be more than pissed at her, she loved and cared about her sister more than her own self.

  
Which is why when she heard her sister’s name being called, she didn’t hesitate to call out “I volunteer!”


	2. Chapter 2

" _Unselfish and noble actions are the most radiant pages in the biography of souls_ " -David Thomas 

* * *

 

Cassia loved the ocean because it takes her away from the daily chaos called life.  Listening to the sound of the waves, seagulls chirping, and the vast, endless view that goes on and on, just fills her body with peace and serenity.  It helps take her mind off the constant worry that has been bothering her lately, more so because her dear twin was an absolute idiot.

Sighing, Cassia leaned back against the rock she was sitting and tried to push those thoughts away. She really, really wanted some peace of mind before heading down to the reaping for the annual hunger games. But before she had to head back she wanted to see the sunrise over the ocean, just in case it was her last time to watch it.

The first inkling she gets that the sunrise is on its way is that the shadows of the rocks that have a hint of behind them. Morning is finally here. She could feel herself getting excited, as she sat up straight to watch the sun rise above the ocean.  The light becomes a glow and warms the sky with its colour. Soon a tiny speck of light shines through some clouds somewhere and the sky goes from pitch black and looking it was caught on fire, with it casting a pyramid of across the water just before it rises to show the first patch of the sun.  This next part was her favorite part of the sunrise. Watching as the whole sky becomes a light with different colours. The blues and oranges and yellows and reds all blending into one warm glow.

As the sun continues to rise, Cassia has to fight the instinct to cover her eyes from the blinding light but ,at the same, wanting to keep this memory of the colours imprinted in her brain for as long as possible. Looking around she finds that everything is a more brilliant color name, the sun removing the blanket of fog that the moon had laid down sometime in the night. Thinking of her mother, sister, and Mags, all of the people who bring joy and happiness to her life, she finally felt at peace.

Once the sun was up fully, Cassia could hear people starting to get up and ready for reaping that would happen in a few hours. Not wanting to go but having to, Cassia pushed herself up, brushed the sand that had gotten stuck to her and headed home so that she could get ready.

XXXXX

In front of her stood the place that Gwen and she grew up, the infamous Victor’s Village. Looking at it from just outside the gates, Cassia could admit that she could see why people were fascinated by the Village.

Stepping through the gates that were open, she started a brisk walk to get to her home. There were houses on each side of the road, they were grand with high arches, narrow pillars, and larger glass windows. From the few houses she had been in, her own, Mags, and once or twice Finnick’s, all of them were different.  They varied in different colours and design.

Very beautiful to look at, but it held so much darkness; a lot of pain, suffering, and death resided here in Victor’s Village and Cassia wanted out of it soon.  Cassia had told Gwen, or anyone that would listen to her, that the reason Victor’s Village was so beautiful was because the people in charge of building them wanted to hide the darkness behind it.

In the middle of the village was a grey fountain with the houses forming a semi-circle around it, with a path from each house connecting to the fountain that became one path leading to the gates and the rest of district four.

A clearing throat, caught her attention and she hunched down, stopped in her tracks, before slowly turning around.

Her eyes landing on the women before her, she let out a sheepish “Hi mom?”

Her mom, Isadora Brownell, stood in front of her not looking very impressed with her oldest daughter.

Isadora was a very beautiful person, or some people would say used to be, standing about average height, very slime, with an hour glass body. She had curly auburn hair and hazel eyes that were constantly guarded.  The only feature Gwen and Cassia got from her was the curliness of their hair.  Cassia hated the curls; they were impossible to control sometimes. It was why Gwen cut her hair so short and to get away from people calling her the wrong name.

Cassia loved her mom, really she did,  and she appreciated what Isadora did by raising two children, twins at that, for the past 18 years, but her mom was very protective of them both; especially Cassia. Whenever Gwen would ask, Cassia would admit to being too afraid of her mom’s reaction, Isadora would reply with “She reminds me of someone that is gone now” and give them a look that the conversation was over.

 “I can explain before you get mad. I just really, really wanted to watch to watch the sunrise down by the beach. You know the one, by the docks?  I promise!” Cassia explained.

Sighing, but not saying anything, Isadora threw an arm around her daughter and pulled her into a one-armed hug, before giving her a small smile and leading her to the door to the house.

“Gwen should be up or just getting up by now.  Go check on her, make sure she’s feeling okay, and get her to eat some of those crackers that I left on her beside. They work wonders on the stomach and then both of get ready for the reaping. We’ll be leaving a bit early this year,” said Isadora.

Giving her mother an “okay” and a kiss on the cheek, Cassia ran up the stairs and was about to head to the bedroom when she heard the unmistakable sounds of her dear twin getting sick somewhere to the right.

Seeing that the bathroom door was open and that by the time she reached the door the retching sounds had stopped. Peeking in, Cassia saw Gwen kneeling on the bathroom floor with her forehead pressed against the side of the toilet.

Moving forwards a bit, so she could lean against the doorway, a smile made a way to her lips and a small laugh escaped her before she could stop it.

“What about this do you find funny!?” Gwen growled while turning her head enough that she could glare at Cassia.

“Oh nothing at all other than the fact that you look like crap. Mom says to eat some of those crackers she left for you and that they work wonders.”  Cassia replied.

She got no other answer other than a grunt and something mumbled under her breath from her sister that Cassia didn’t bother to even figure out what was said.

Cassia felt a tinge of worry as she noticed that Gwen did not look good. She was pale, her skin looked clammy, she looked absolutely exhausted but her hands were rubbing circles on her stomach. Right over her uterus where her niece or nephew was.

Biting her lip, Cassia thought back to a couple months ago when Gwen had told them all that she was pregnant. Cassia had been excited, still was, and already loved the thought of being an aunt. She also had plans on making sure that whenever she babysits to let the child have lots of candy and then hand him or her over to Gwen before the sugar rush started. It was payback for all the times Gwen would tease her when they were younger.

Even though she was excited and loved the little bugger already, Cassia didn’t agree with how Gwen was handling some of the things; mainly on why hadn’t she told the father yet.

“Penny for your thoughts”

Startled out of her thoughts, Cassia didn’t say anything other than starting to chew her lip a bit harder, trying to decide on if she wanted to start something again.

Sighing, Cassia looked away before looking back into Gwen’s eyes and replying with “Who’s the father?”

Gwen sat up straight at that, her eyes narrowing as she hissed out, “No one of importance and none of your business.”

Cassia felt her own irritation starting to rise, but before she could reply and start another fight, when a yell came from downstairs.

“I don’t hear any more getting sick noises from up there. You both better be ready and down here in 10 minutes. Starting now.”

Heeding her mother’s words, Cassia shut her mouth and not even bothering to look and see if Gwen was coming or not, spun on heels to finally get ready.

She was ready for this day to be over with.

XXXXX

Cassia distantly noticed that it had gotten a bit warmer out from when she was out earlier. Pushing her hair back into place after the sea breeze blew it out of the hairdo it was. She had her hair fixed so that it was pushed back with a headband and done up in a French bun. It was at times like these that Cassia envied how short Gwen’s hair was –she didn’t need to do anything to style it at all. Even though their hairstyles were different, their dresses were basically the same; only the colours were different. Cassia was wearing a dark maroon dress, with a dark green ribbon around the middle, while Gwen had on a dark green dress with a black collar and sleeves, and both had on matching slip on shoes.

Cassia stood in line patiently, playing around with one of the seashells on her bracelet, ready to get signed in and take a place with Gwen in the back with the other eighteen year olds. A frustrated sigh came from behind her and Cassia turned around slightly to give Gwen, who had a slight scrawl on her face and was looking very impatient, a smile that she hoped would settle her twin down. It seemed to work because the sigh that came from Gwen this time wasn’t as frustrated and more like resigned, as she got a tight, small smile in return.

During this exchange, Cassia realized that the line had moved forward and it was now her turn to sign in. She stepped forward, holding out her hand and giving a small hiss at the prick on her finger. Once her fingerprint was down, she moved to the side to wait for Gwen which wasn’t long, and made their way through the crowds of people to the place where they were going to stand.

It wasn’t long before Paprika Wildforest– the District Four escort – came striding out onto the stage to give the same speech she did every year at the reaping and then after giving a cue to play the video. After hearing the same video play for the past seven years Cassia tuned it out and started raking out everything else that was happening around her. Gwen looked as bored and uncaring, Paprika was mouthing all the words, the mayor was sitting straight while looking compliant, her mom had her eyes closed and seemed to be muttering something under her breath while the rest of the victors were watching the video with no expression on their faces at all.

When the video ended, Cassia could feel the air become more tense as everyone stood straighter and focused on Paprika and the only thing she could hear were Paprika’s heels clicking as she walked across the stage to the microphone and the reaping bowl. She always hated the _ladies first_ because it seemed to just put more pressure on everyone. 

Cassia watched intently as Paprika’s hand swam in the pool of names, until she grabbed one and lifted it out to read.

“Gwen Brownell”

Cassia’s breath hitched as time seemed to come to a complete stop and it wasn’t until someone pushed her back that everything seemed to hit her at once and panic started forming.

In an instant, Cassia had snapped her eyes toward her mom, hoping that she would have a solution, but when her eyes landed on her that hope vanished. Her mom was sitting forward in her seat, hands clasping onto the edges on her seat, eyes wide and in disbelief. She looked to Mags and Finnick, who had an arm wrapped around her mom and was talking to her quietly, respectively.  They weren’t going to do anything---- nobody was and Gwen was almost at the stage.

_No. No. Please no. Not Gwen. Not now. She’s pregnant. She’s going to be a mother. They’re both going to die._  

It was these thoughts that sent full-blown fear through her and she found herself moving thru the crowds and out into the aisle that separated the boys and girls.

“I volunteer! I volunteer as tribute.”  Cassia knew why she said it. Gwen was more than her twin and her sister, she was her best friend. Which is why Cassia did what she did, even though she knew her mom would be worried and Gwen would be more than pissed at her, she loved and cared about her sister more than her own self. 

She saw the peacekeeper’s grip loosen on Gwen and felt it when they grabbed her tightly between them as they pushed her forwards.  They met in the middle and Cassia was surprised, very surprised, to see no emotion on Gwen’s face.  She expected Gwen to get angry, start a fight, and protest with everything she had in her, but there was nothing at all that she could read in her twin’s face that would let her know what Gwen was thinking.  That was she could get out of her sister and didn’t get a chance to see her mom’s reaction to this sudden turn, before she was shoved up the steps to the stage and gestured to move towards Paprika, who was waiting for her, to start speaking again. 

“What’s your name?”

“Cassia Brownell” she said as her voice came out, surprisingly, void of anything, her eyes fixed on the horizon where the sun had come up earlier this morning.

The perfectly manicured hand then went to another bowl that contained the names of boys aged from twelve to eighteen. It seemed like a life time, before a name was picked out.

“Neptune Plainrock.”  Cassia winced when the name was called. Gwen knew him and had complained about him more than once and brag that she had beaten him at almost everything. He was a career, eighteen, and arrogant. Cassia turned her head towards him as he stepped onto the stage next to her, their eyes met and Cassia couldn’t help but realize that he knew exactly who she was, who she was related, that she was not like Gwen in anyway, and she would pay for Gwen humiliating him. The look in his eyes, scared her down to her very core.

And as quickly as it happened, it was done and they were both being herded into separate rooms in the Justice building.  She didn’t get a chance to move from where she had been left, in the middle of the room, when the door slammed open causing Cassia to jump in fright.

In the doorway was Gwen and she looked absolutely livid, as she crossed the room angrily and let the door slam shut behind her.

Cassia opened her mouth to say something but she was cut off as Gwen started yelling.

“You stupid, stupid person. **_Why would you do that?_** I had it handled! Why did you do this? Why? I’ll tell you why! It’s because you’re stupid, loyal, impulsive, and stupidly self-sacrificing. Well maybe I should kill you now to save you the trouble from doing something even more stupid in the arena! I HATE YOU! I hate you…you promised me that you would be there for me and you’re breaking it. I need you, this baby needs because you know me I’m going to screw up being a mother. You need to teach this kid all of the good in this awful world and to keep me in line.”

Listening to Gwen go from pure anger to desperation hurt. It felt like someone had shoved a hand in her chest, grabbed her heart, and was squeezing and it twisting it as she listened to Gwen yell. Taking a closer look her sister, she noticed that Gwen was shaking –from either anger or being upset or probably both – and she had unshed tears in her eyes. Now, Cassia could count on both hands the number of times Gwen had cried, which wasn’t often and it killed her inside to know that she was the cause of those tears.

Seeing those unshed tears made tears well up in her own eyes, but unlike Gwen, she didn’t try to stop the tears from falling. She acted before Gwen could go on again she ran up to her, and enveloped her into a tight hug, hoping to convey everything she was feeling and that she was sorry for causing this but it was for the best. It was at this that she felt Gwen burry her face into her shoulder, feel her dress becoming wet, when all of a sudden Gwen pulled back a bit and the look on Gwen’s face got Cassia to freeze for a minute.

The look on Gwen’s face was furious mixed with hope, love, desperation and her voice carried all of that when she spoke. “You are going to do everything you have to. Do you understand me? You do everything that you were taught, be yourself and make the people in Capitol love you and want to sponsor you, and you listen to mom, Mags, and Finnick. They know what they’re doing. And nothing stupid, reckless, or impulsive! You look after yourself only _. Promise me_. “

“I promise.” The words were spoken quietly, but with just as a much emotion Gwen had put into her words.  They seemed to calm Gwen down. The anger disappeared and there was a knock on the door indicating that their time together was done

Pulling her into one last hug Cassia spoke quietly “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Was the only thing said as Gwen pulled away, walked to the door, paused for a second, before leaving Cassia alone once again.

The only thing Cassia was sure of was that even though she promised this was the last time she was going to see Gwen and never get to meet her niece or nephew. A few more minutes went by before the peacekeepers took her out of the room again and down the corridor.

XXXX

Cassia had to admit that train was beautiful. Very Beautiful. Looking around, it hit her that this is how people that lived in the Capitol lived. It was silent after Paprika gave her and Neptune the tour of the train, and no one had said a thing. Cassia had a feeling the reason why her mom hadn’t said anything, and the reason why Cassia was avoiding, was that there would be a fight with lots of yelling going on and neither of them wanted that at the moment. The longer the silence kept going on, the tenser it seemed to get and everyone else seemed to be getting more awkward by the minute.

Raising a hand to rub her temple in hopes of trying to get rid of the pounding headache that was starting, her lungs were growing tighter, and much to her horror, everything went blurry as tears welled up in her eyes.  A hand touched her arm and she felt her muscles tense, then relax as the hand started rubbing circles on her arms.  As if sensing that she relaxed, she was then pulled into a hug and it hit her as realized that she knew who the person was.

“Mom, I’m sor-“ was as far she got before she burst into tears and everything came out. Her mom didn’t say anything, just held her like she would when Cassia was younger and had a nightmare. It brought her a great deal of comfort, as she just sobbed.

Eventually the tears turned into sniffles, then turned into nothing as they stopped and Cassia pulled back from her mom rather reluctantly.

Cassia could feel her skin warm, as the horror and embarrassment set int hat she had just burst out into tears and had to be comforted by her mother in front of everyone.  A hand on her shoulder had her turning back to her mom.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s rather good you got it out of your system now. Besides, we’ll talk more about it later. We’ve arrived in the Capitol.”

This was it. Cassia was finally in the Capitol and she could only hope she could keep her promise to Gwen.


	3. Chapter 3

" _Just because the past didn’t turn out like you wanted it to doesn’t mean your future can’t be better than you imagined_ " –Unknown

* * *

 

July 13 was her birthday.

It was the day she and Cassia were born; Cassia being born first and then 30 minutes later was Gwen.

Gwen had always found it funny that the roles they took were opposite of what they were birthed in.

Gwen acted like the older sister and Cassia the younger sister. She could remember teasing Cassia about it when they were younger, Cassia would get upset, yell for mom, not exactly tell on her but she would just say that Gwen was being mean again, and then she would get yelled out by their mom. But whenever someone else said the same, Gwen got mad, very mad, because it was _her_ job as Cassia’s younger sister to annoy her like that. The guy had ended up with a punch in the nose and Gwen getting in trouble again. Cassia always told her, once her anger was gone, that she hated it when Gwen acted like that. So she tried to be like Cassia and ignore it, she really did, but the next time someone said something about Cassia, her mom, or Mags, she ended up right where she was before. Because as hard as Cassia tried Gwen could tell that it bothered her more than she let on.

Gwen Brownell was many things, but sitting back and letting people hurt the people she loved the most wasn’t one of those things. She was confident, she said what she wanted to and bluntly, people considered her rude next to Cassia, she was loyal – no one would ever doubt, and she was very quick to anger, though most of all, she was the luckiest person in Panem.

She’s lucky for all the opportunities she had so far by growing up in well off home and in one of the better districts, not worrying about food, having a mother that loved her and Cassia, Mags being a substitute grandmother towards them, and living in district that is beautiful.  But the real reason Gwen was the luckiest came with one simple fact: she was an identical twin.

This one simple fact has **_changed_** everything for her. It meant that she was never alone, not even during conception, Cassia was there with her for every step and for every hardship that had happened to them.

The first hardship that they faced was interacting with other kids for the first time. This happened to also be their first day of school. Both Isadora and Mags had warned them that other kids and adults will treat them differently from the rest because of what Isadora is.  Oh boy, that couldn’t have been any truer. It was hard at first for Gwen because she had always preferred being by herself or with Cassia, and being the center of attention was not fun. It really didn’t help improve her mood with everyone, including teachers, giving the special treatment. More often than not Gwen would snap at someone, while Cassia would give everyone a smile, a wave, and stop to talk. People loved her and flocked her to for it.  Though while Cassia would always be known as the friendly girl that was friendly to anyone, Gwen went from snappy wallflower to dangerous and approach with caution girl when they were nine.

Which lead to their second hardship.

The second hardship was being brought to an old friend of their mom’s and being trained in self-defense. That happened just after they had turned nine. Mom had thought it was a good time and that they were old enough to start learning the basic self-defense.  This is where she exceled and Cassia didn’t. Oh don’t Gwen wrong, if Cassia really wanted to and put her mind to it, she could be just as dangerous as Gwen was. Cassia hated everything in it from learning how to hurt, to using the different weapons, to just plain old fighting with fists. Gwen loved everything in it; it gave her a rush of adrenaline and caused her blood to flow with excitement. Learning how to do self-defense, then later on, learning everything a Career did made her happy. She had finally found something that she was better at than Cassia. It did cause many disagreements between the, but eventually they learned to just accept what the other one thought.

The third hardship came just after the third one. Finally being old enough to get reaped. That was dozy on all of them. The week leading up to their first reaping had Isadora being harder on them during training. More often than not during that week they could find their mom passed out drunk. Things went back to normal after that though.  

The fourth was more when they were 13, just about to turn 14, and the guy that Cassia had a huge crush on, found out, pretend to like Cassia, only to take Gwen by surprise and kiss her in front of Cassia without Gwen knowing. When they broke apart and Gwen saw Cassia, standing there, watching them with tears running down her face, Gwen got mad, madder than she ever felt before, and used all the lessons that she was being taught on the guy. He ended up with a broken nose, a couple of teeth chipped, bruised ribs, and a badly sprained wrist. Cassia was devastated and Gwen was disgusted at guys and herself that a huge fight between them happened. It was the worst two weeks of Gwen’s life, so far, but Cassia eventually forgave her, and after that they both promised not to let a guy get between them again. It was also, at this time Gwen realized that they both decided what they wanted from the opposite sex. Gwen was quite content to just have the occasional one night stand with the same guy; while Cassia had two serious relationships that ended after a year for one and eight months for the other.

The fifth hardship happened more recently finding out that she was pregnant and trying to decide on whether she should Clay or not that she was pregnant.  Finding out she was pregnant was not something Gwen really wanted. She could tolerate kids, and she would admit to some of them being cute, but she never wanted kids.  Staring down at the pregnancy test in her hand, taunting her with the pink plus, she did not experience the waves of joy, she’s heard from her mother, about being a mother in the near future. Instead she felt slightly numb and then came the denial and anger. The denial on how could this happen when they were safe, she made sure they were protected, every single time they had done. Then the anger on how could this happen and why her. Why not Cassia, who would actually want the baby and love it with everything she had. Instead the child was in her and it was going to ruin her chances of finally volunteering for the games. She had been so certain that she could win and finally do something good when she became victor, but not she couldn’t because of this child she was carrying and it was going to change her life forever. Then it hit her, a solution to get rid of this problem, an abortion. The more she thought on it, the more the idea grew on her and she went for it. This was everyone could be happy and not change her life one bit. So, she had made an appointment with her doctor, never told anyone that she was pregnant and where she was going, and when they day finally came to the abortion done, she was happy. Or so she thought. It wasn’t until she had watched Cassia holding and cooing the baker’s baby boy, and then listening to Cassia list off facts about babies, including the baby’s growth in the uterus that she started to have thoughts about going through with the abortion. By the time she got to the hospital doors, she knew she couldn’t go through with the abortion. Yes, it was bad timing and not something she wanted, but it wasn’t the child’s fault and she shouldn’t go punishing it for Gwen’s own mistake. Besides deep down she knew that would never forgive herself if she did go through with it. 

When Gwen did tell Mags, Cassia, and her mom everything she had been scared off their reactions; that they would hate her. Her mom and Mags would be disappointed in her and kick her out, while Cassia would be mad, unforgiving, and would never talk to her again. She was an idiot for thinking that. Once they found out it had been silence for a few minutes, a chair squeaking backwards against the hardwood floor, and then being wrapped in the tightest hug Gwen had ever received.  

Pulling back, Cassia had given her one of those “you’re really stupid for thinking something like that you idiot” faces before saying. “I’ll do everything I can for both you and my niece or nephew. Oh! I can’t wait! I’m so excited!!”

Looking over at her mom and Mags, she found Mags giving her a small smile, before hobbling over, cupping her face, and kissing Gwen on the forehead.

Isadora, on the other hand, sighed and asked “Are you sure this is what you want Gwen? Raising a baby isn’t going to be easy and you haven’t even mentioned anything about the father”

Gwen gave her mom a hard look as she felt anger course through her body as she replied, “Yes, this is what I want and I know it’s not going to be easy, but I need to try. As for the father, my child and I don’t need him. We’ll be fine without him. You were.”

Isadora didn’t say anything about it after that other than raise an eyebrow at her. Cassia, on the other hand, flew off the handle about the father thing. To say the least, it started an argument that they kept having over and over again because Cassia wanted what she thought was best for her niece or nephew, while Gwen wanted nothing to do with him because he would probably only think she got pregnant on purpose.

Trying to decide is she should tell Clay about the baby was an entire different thing. Clay Borron was different from the other guys Gwen had slept with. He was the son of a fisherman and wanted to work out on the sea like his father. He was tall, lanky, and slim with very little muscle, dark auburn hair that was messy enough to stick up everywhere, and had dark blue eyes.  He was always cheerful and friendly, loved playing harmless jokes on people, he lived in the moment for each day like it was his last, honest and fair, but most importantly he treated her like an actual person instead of just a victor’s daughter or a twin. It was nice and as a plus neither of them wanted a relationship.

Which fit her perfectly because unlike Cassia, who had always wanted to know and have their father in their life, Gwen was more than content never knowing the guy or meeting him. Their mom did an excellent job of raising them and Gwen would follow in her footsteps.

_“The baby deserves to know who his or her father!”_

_“I’m not saying that mom didn’t do a good job with us Gwen, but maybe it would have been better for us, and her, to have him here”_

_“Promise me you’ll at least think about telling this mysterious guy that he’s a father. He has a right to decide for himself on what he wants to do.”_

As Cassia’s words echoed in her head, Gwen could feel a headache come along. Deciding to push all thoughts of Clay, what to do about him, and Cassia’s condescend tone.

Thinking back on it now, Gwen let out a laugh at the irony of that one thought she had. _If only I had known how much this baby was going to change my life, but also, Cassia’s and mom’s. I wonder if I had have gone through with the abortion would Cassia still be going to the Capitol._

This thought lead to the last hardship that was happening to them. Feeling tears of frustrating and worry, Gwen let out a snarl, picking up her mother’s vase, and throwing it.

_Crash_

As soon as the anger came it left and Gwen could only stare in horror at the tiny pieces of the vase that had once been whole.

A sob escaped from her throat and her legs collapsed underneath causing her to crash to the ground. Everything was going blurry, more sobs were coming out, and the only thing she could do was wrap her arms around her middle and wail “I’m sorry” “I’m sorry” over and over again as what happened in the morning came rushing back to her, repeating over and over again.

Gwen could remember waking up, rushing to the bathroom, and puking her guts out. Only to find Cassia standing in the doorway watching her, which then lead to an almost fight about Gwen not telling Clay before Isadora had yelled up to them both to get ready. Getting ready, leaving the house, getting to and in with everyone for the reaping, and not listening to what was being said, until she had heard her name.

Hearing her name being called hadn’t scared her that much. It had been like when she had found out she was pregnant and she just went numb. She remember walking forward and having two peace keepers grab each of her arm, when she heard “I volunteer!”

Turning her head around, only to see Cassia, the same Cassia who hated fighting and everything to do with the games, walk forward, holding her head up high, and saying in a confident voice “I volunteer as tribute” had scared her.

A lot.

She was scared because Cassia wouldn’t hurt a fly, but she would be forced to kill 23 other children. She would have to kill if she wanted to come home. It scared her because if Cassia ended up dead, she would lose one of the most important person in her life and her child would lose the chance to know her and learn from her. Gwen had always turned her fear into anger and this is what she did this time. The anger was familiar like a security blanket, and it made her want to yell out and start a fight. But she wasn’t stupid and knew that if she started a fight it would only make things worse for Cassia in the arena.  So, Gwen had kept her mouth shut and gave her sister a glare and walked back to her spot.

Everything after that was drowned out. She didn’t hear who the boy tribute was and she didn’t really care either, and the first chance she got she was out of there and in front of the door where her sister was waiting for people to say last minute things to her.

Gwen had let the anger take ahold of her and she slammed the door open. Cassia hadn’t been surprised, but instead had a resigned look on her face that seeing her look like that had made Gwen lose control and just started yelling.

She yelled that Cassia was a stupid, impulsive person. She yelled that she should just kill her now to save her the trouble from doing it later. She yelled that she hated her for leaving her and breaking her promise that she would be there for Gwen every step of her pregnancy.

Gwen had her mouth open to say more when she found herself being held on tight too. She had returned the hug, needing to know that Cassia was there, she was breathing, and demanded that Cassia promise that she do everything in her power to come back home.  Because Gwen was selfish and needed her.

Her time with Cassia had ended after that and Gwen had been surprised when she found herself in her home, in the kitchen staring at the calendar hanging on the fridge and thinking back on their last birthday.

So, July 13 was the day to celebrate the day they entered the world together. Most of all, it is a day of gratitude for the most important to her who had literally shaped the very core of who Gwen is. Now she’s sitting here staring at the blank tv screen, waiting for anything hunger games related to play, and praying to everything or anyone that between her mom, Mags, Finnick, and Cassia herself, that she still has a sister to celebrate their next birthday with. 


	4. Chapter 4

 “ _I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear_.” - Nelson Mandela

* * *

 

Stepping off the train, the only thing Cassia could do was stare. Stare at all the Capitol people, who were dressed up in a very different fashion style that was used to, smiling, some clapping, and all of them cheering as they caught sight of Neptune and herself. It made her feel disgusted, anger, but most of all fear – fear that her fate now rested in these people, these disgusting people, that got a kick out of watching children kill themselves and each other in bloody ways.  She didn’t want her to have her life in their hands but that choice went out the window when she volunteered.  She could feel the fear creep up her, making her stomach turn, her heart started to pound faster, her breath quickened,  and she was shaking – a panic attack, she was having a panic attack in front of everyone. It was the hand that was suddenly on her back that startled her out of the mini panic attack she was currently having.

 Turning her head to thank her mom because she had been right there beside her, she was shocked to find none other than her district partner, Neptune Plainrock, beside her with his hand on her back and an arrogant smirk on his face as he stared down at her.  That didn’t help her fear at all, in fact it came back and rammed into her like a truck going full speed.

 Whipping around to stare at him with apprehension, she managed to hiss out. “What are you doing?”

 Raising an eyebrow, he spoke sarcastically “I’m sorry. I thought you were scared from the way you were standing there, shaking like a leaf. Besides, if you lose it right now in front of everyone, that more than likely being filmed as we speak, like you did on back there on the train you are making everyone in District 4 look bad especially your own mother.”

 Leaning down, so that he could whisper in her ear “You don’t want to make her even more of an embarrassment now do you?”

 Cassia could only stared up at him as she realized that he was right. She was making an embarrassment out of her mother, not that Isadora wouldn’t care if she did – she probably already did with the volunteering bit – but also everyone else that was here that she knew. All because she was a stupid, scared, little girl that got in over her head with things that she knew nothing about.

 As she stares at him and just before they move off, he spoke quietly that she was sure she had misheard what he said next wrong.

 “My little sister used to get panic attacks all the time when she was little. I know what they look like.” With that he walked off to the car, leaving her flabbergasted but thinking that maybe there is more to him than she first thought.

* * *

 To tell you the truth sitting in car with three victors, the districts escort, and a district partner that scared and confused her at the same made for a very awkward car ride from the train station to wherever they were going.

 Which was why Cassia was lucky enough to be sitting at the window beside Mags, who knew her well enough to just give her a smile and a squeeze the leg and leave her to her own thoughts, gazing out the window in awe of the best place to live: the Capitol.  It was a very beautiful place that was filled with the most magnificent buildings and the oddest looking people she had ever seen in her life.  Though to be honest -- for the first time since the reaping she found herself smiling and more like herself as she watched all the different people that were roaming the streets of the Capitol.

 Pressing her face against the window, she could see many people with different colored and styled wigs, tattoos on different part of their bodies, but most of them, that she found the most interesting, had their skin dyed.

 Two women in particular had caught her attention.  They were walking beside each other and for all purpose looked like they were having the time of their life, just walking and talking.  That wasn’t what caught her attention though, no what caught her attention was their appearances. They stood out the most to her and she wasn’t sure if it was awe, confusion, jealousy, or maybe a mixture of the three that got her interested in watching these two women.

 Both women looked to be about in her late 20’s, maybe early 30’s, it was hard to tell with everything they wearing. The woman on the left was as white a snow, had lips that looked like blood was smeared on them, her hair was a pale blonde that was a bigger afro than she had ever seen that had what looked like gold strings wrapped up in her hair, putting it in to different sections before wrapping under her chin. The lady was wearing a gold dress and gold jewelry. The woman on the right was dark skinned, she had dyed her skin a mixture of blues and yellows on her neck, arms, and chest area. She had the roots of her hair dyed yellow and mixed with blue, so that there was some green in there too. The style of her hair was something she never saw before. Her hair was in the style of a fan. She had read in a book about long before Panem was born that there used to be different people from different cultures. In one of these cultures they used these things called a Chinese fan or a hand fan. Her hair was dyed a dark blue that matched her eyebrows and lipstick. The clothes she wore were revealing to say the least. A dark blue halter top that cut down between her breast, black leggings, high heels, and white fishnets on her arms.

 As soon as she saw, they were gone the car turning a corner and stopping in front of a humongous building that would all the district tributes to get them ready for the famous chariot ride that would show Panem what they are and seal all of their fates of getting the attention for sponsors.  She could only hope that her prep team would do a good job of making her noticeable.

 Both Neptune and she were rushed out of the car and into the building before being separated, and then Cassia found herself in front her prep team.

  _They look like an interesting and beautiful bunch. I hope they’re good to make me look beautiful_ she thought while staring at the three people in front of her as they introduced themselves. The first to step forward and introduce themselves was Orion; he had dark skin that looked like it had been dyed to shine with a few bright blue mixed with white dots scattered on his body that reminded her of the stars in the sky at night; his hair short at back but spiked everywhere on top. The spikes were painted in the colours of dark pink, orange, dark purple, and all of the spikes had a blue tinge to them. The second to introduce themselves was a lady named Honey- Lemon; she looked to be the most normal out of the three. Her hair was long and fell down to her butt and was the colour of honey with a shine of bright yellow to it. Her eyes were a beautiful blue that had bright yellow eyeshadow to enhance the blue of her eyes to make them kinder. She also had a friendly smile that instantly made Cassia feel more at relaxed. Last to be introduced, and the most interesting in Cassia’s opinion, was Lavender. She looked to be a mix between Orion with the all the different shades of colours and Honey-Lemon for looking harmless and friendly; she had pale white blonde hair that was dyed a light purple colour that fell to her shoulders and was layered to look like lavender petals. Her lips were painted with the same light purple as her hair and her eyes, they had to be fake, were a dark purple that were highlighted in different shades of purple.

 Orion grabbed her left arm while Lavender grabbed her right arm and led her to a table that she was told to lie down on while Honey-Lemon disappeared for a few seconds before coming back with an arm load of things.  Watching Honey-Lemon set everything up, Cassia couldn’t help but wonder what was going to be happening to her.

 Just as Cassia was about to ask her prep team, Honey-Lemon looked up and gave her a small smile before saying “I’m sorry but this is going to hurt a bit, but it’s necessary and I promise that we’ll be as quick and gentle about it as we can.”

 Cassia put a hand up and just barely stopped the team from descending on her from all quarters. “Wait a minute!” The distress on her face made everyone pause. Orion quizzically asked, “Is there something wrong?” Cassia shook her head, “I’m not doing a single thing until you tell me what it is you’re doing.” Lavender huffed, “Typical District 4. We’re just doing a little waxing, making your hair and skin more luxurious, so that it’ll be easier to do up later to make  you look _gorgeous_! It’ll be over soon. No beauty without a bit of pain!” Cassia sighed, “Fine, let’s just get it over with.”

 Never in her life afterward did she tell everyone about that entire embarrassing process. Especially Gwen, no matter how much she begged, bugged, and just tried to get out of her. It had hurt in parts, but for the most part, they at least warned her when it would hurt. She felt like she was going through metamorphosis...from hairy little caterpillar to the beautiful butterfly. Finally that part was over, and she was handed a robe to cover herself with.

 Orion made her put her arm in his and he led her away to a door that led to small furnished room that was entirely white with a table and two comfortable chairs on either side. She looked up at Orion quizzically, who just smiled encouragingly, gave her a quick kiss on a cheek before leaving the room.

 Cassia was looking around the room nervously when the door opened when a man walked in, looked her over, and purred smoothly, “Cassia Brownell, I presume? Victor Isadora Brownell’s daughter,” he paused slightly “ or should I say one of her daughters. You volunteered for your sister...that was something none of us expecting. Though we did expect one of her daughters to get reaped after the, let’s say stunt, she pulled with Snow.”

 Cassia could only stand there and gap at the man. He was definitely from the Capitol that was for sure. He looked to be of half-Asian and half-caucasian decedent. His hair was short with feathering at the front, and it was in the shade of peacock feathers with olive green at the going to a brilliant turquoise in the front with a dull yellow on both sides. The right side of his face was painted a pale white with swirls, with a turquoise stripe across his one eye. His eyebrows were dyed a dark blue, and he wore dark blue glittery eyeshadow as well. He wore a white long sleeved sweater with a light blue vest, black dress pants and dress shoes. The thing that caught Cassia’s attention was his eyes. They were a dark brown, but looked black, and they held this intelligence in them that told her that she would either want him as an ally or fear him if he was her enemy. But staring into those eyes, for some reason, there was a feeling in her gut that told she had no reason to fear him and that his statement had been a test of some kind, and that she only had one chance to prove herself to him.  Prove to him she would; she would prove that his efforts tonight wouldn’t be a waste, that her mother’s efforts wouldn’t be a waste, and that while she may not act like it most of the time, but that she was her _mother’s daughter_ and she would win this game.

 She pushed herself up straighter, put her hands on her hips, and stared him straight in the eyes as her nervousness disappeared and was replaced by determination that made her voice come like mom or Gwen’s would, commanding and clam, but soft at the same time, “First of all, yes, I’m Isadora’s daughter, her oldest, and yes, I did volunteer for my sister. The reason why, you’ll find out sooner or later. Before you say anything or assume anything, I’m scared- my stomach won’t stop churning, I’m clammy, I’m shaking, and I’m on the constant verge of either tears or a panic attack, but I don’t regret this. I’ll never regret this...if I had the choice, I would do it over and over again each time because she means more to me than I can ever hope to explain. I know I’m not like my mom, I never will be, but I do have ideas on what I’m going to do get sponsors and on how I’m going to win this year. I made a promise and I don’t plan on breaking it. Secondly, I have no idea what stunt you’re talking about that my mom did, but it couldn’t of been that bad?, and lastly, who are you?”

 There was a pregnant pause that followed after her little spiel, before he did something that surprised her. He laughed and gave her a sharp smile.

 “I like you a lot. You seem like a sweet and innocent girl that is way in over her head, but underneath you have spirit that’s like a storm in the middle of the sea. I believe you when you say you’ll be winning. As for the stunt, ask your mother about it later. It is between you and her after all.”  He paused here, before walking over to her and giving her bow “ I’m Kouza Wildwing. You’re stylist. I’m here to make sure you get noticed for sponsors. To get you sponsors I’m going to make you beautiful, make people want to be you. But first we need to get you ready.”

 Letting out a groan, Cassia let her head fall back as a small whimper escaped her. She really didn’t want to go back to that torture place again. It was as if Kouza could tell because he was smirking as he grabbed her hand and led her back out to the door, to the room that she now dubbed “ the room of doom”.

 The instant her prep team saw Kouza leading her, they were on her before she could say anything this time. Orion was working on her hair, while Honey-Lemon and Lavender were working on her makeup and clothing respectively.

 Cassia wasn’t sure how long they had been working on her for when they all finally pulled back, and Kouza stepped forward, turning to Orion, “Bring out the mirror. I want Cassia to see how she looks.”

 “Yes, sir.” Orion said as he rushed off to grab the floor length mirror.

 “Close your eyes, please. It’ll make the experience all more magical when you open them.” Honey-Lemon suggested as Lavender and her each put a hand on either shoulder to lead her to the mirror as Cassia closed her eyes and only opened them when she heard Lavender say “ You can open them now gorgeous.”

 Opening her eyes, she finally got to look at herself in the mirror, she couldn’t believe it. “Is that...really me?” Her team all dissolved into giggles. “Of course it is, love. You look _stunning_ ,” they all reassured her.

 For the first time in her life, Cassia felt beautiful. Her hair, that was normally curly beyond belief, was tamed into soft curls that has a rope netting that was sitting on her and shells hanging gracefully. She had a pale blue bikini top complete with sand coloured lace. A starfish hangs from the centre of the piece onto her belly. Her bottom is a high waisted skirt. The belt part is a sand brown, and the rest is the same pale blue as her top. Both her top and bottom are decorated with scallop shells and other smaller sea shells, and they both have a thin netting on top that reminded her of a lobster trap. Her face had makeup that was highlighted on her cheeks, cheekbones, and forehead with a shimmering blue/silver colour that was made up to look like scales. Her lips were a light pink, and she had white, blue, and dark pink layered eyeshadow on too.

 Spinning around to face all of them, she smiled widely and said with as appreciation and gratitude she could muster “Thank you for making me beautiful. If you don’t mind me asking what am I based off of?”

 Kouza walked around, inspecting her very closely before stopping in front of her and smirked.

 “I came up with the idea when I heard who the two tributes were this year. District 4 has many different stories of Gods and Goddess, particularly the ones that deal with water. I thought it would be fitting. I’m very proud of myself. It’s time to head on out. We don’t have that much time left.” Kouza said holding out an arm for her to take.

 “You have every right to be proud. All of you do...This is amazing.” Cassia said in awe as she blinked back happy tears.

 She looked up at Orion, Honey-Lemon,and Lavender who smiled encouragingly. She managed a quick smile back and put her arm into Kouza’s waiting arm and they headed.

 She looked around for her district partner. There he was, and he was something to behold. He wore a shell wreath on his head that looked like it what was bound with netting and finished off with two pears in the front. He had fins on his arms like the Great God Neptune, that he was named after, and is bare chested. On his shoulders are sea gems that are joined to a large scallop shell that rests below his neck. He has a silver belt with more jewels on it, plus another large scallop that covers his belly button. His pants are made of scales that were painted sea green and he had what looked like leg armour below his knees that have seahorses on them  and she felt proud that he was her district partner. He had the same makeup that was highlighted on her cheeks, cheekbones, and forehead with a shimmering blue/silver colour that was made up to look like scales on his face too. The only difference was that Neptune’s  makeup went down to his neck, onto his shoulders and chest.

 The look in his eyes revealed surprise at how good she looked. Well she should...she was wearing something that went against how she normally dressed.

 Now she saw the chariot and horses. Such horses she had never seen in her life, or such a chariot either, truth be told.It was awe inspiring, but at the same time it brought back the fear.

 To calm herself, she walked over to one the horses and was about to start petting it’s snout, when a hand with two white cubes in the palm was in front of her face.

 “You look like you could use one. They’re absolutely delicious.”

 Following the voice she turned around to come face-to-face with none other than Finnick Odair.

“They’re sugar cubes..I’m surprised that _the_ Finnick Odair would eat something like this. I thought for sure that you have a image to uphold?”            Cassia replied while snatching one of the sugar cubes and started nibbling on it.

 Laughing, Finnick leaned forward enough that he could whisper in her ear, “I do have an image Cas. You and Gwen should know that by now. Besides, I have to say you look quite ravishing dressed like. I like it.”

 Cassia could feel a blush starting and she was instantly glad that she had all the makeup on.

 Glaring at him playfully, her hand came up and hit in the chest as she fought to keep a smile. _He’s just joking with me. He jokes like this all the time with Gwen_ she thought while slightly turning away from him.  He was right in the fact that Gwen and her did know him by now. It wasn’t hard when they were the only children his age in Victor’s Village and that didn’t treat him anything different than from before.

 “I’m joking Cas. But you do like beautiful and I really do like it.” Finnick said sinceriously.

 “You better mean it Finnick. That’s my daughter your talking too.” Isadora said walking up to the two of them.

 Watching Finnick look at her mother and hold a conversation with their eyes, exactly like her and Gwen did often,turning his gaze back to Cassia he gave her a smile and one last piece of advice before he left “Cassia just be yourself. You’ll get more sponsors be being _yourself_ and not acting like someone you’re not.”

 Cassia could only watch leave before she felt hands on either side of her face being careful of the make up. Then her mom’s face was an inch from her and it brought back everything: safety, comfort, confidence, and the knowledge, _oh the knowledge_ , that she had done something to piss off Snow. She had pissed him off bad enough to cause him to rig the reaping, Cassia wasn’t sure if it was deliberate that he picked Gwen or not, but by volunteering Cassia herself had made things a lot more worse for her mother.

 Tears welled up as she let out a shaky breath as the thoughts she wanted to speak out loud but couldn’t floated in her mind.

  _I’m sorry, so sorry mom. I never meant to make things harder on you. I’ll make it up to you. **I promise**. _

 Pulling back, Cassia gave her mom a smile, a sunny smile, and spoke very quietly “I’ll be fine mom. You raised me very well.”

 Nodding, Isadora gave her a small smile “I know. You’re my daughter Cassia. I’m going to worry anyways. Finnick gave you good advice, use it out there. It’s time for you to go. I’ll see you after.”

Reaching out to give the horse one pat on the snout before she left Cassia let out a sight before finally heading back to where Neptune was standing with everyone else.

 Getting back there, getting on the chariot, and the chariot moving was a blur to her as she was consumed with fear; fear that she wouldn’t be good enough, fear that she would break her promise, but most importantly, fear that she would leave a hole in her family that would never be fixed.

  _Cassia just be yourself. You’ll get more sponsors be being yourself and not acting like someone you’re not._

 Finnick’s words came back to her. Be herself. That was something similar Gwen had said to her.

  _I can do this. I can be myself. Think of it like I’m back in District 4 and talking to everyone there. There really is no difference. The Capitol people are still people._

 She waved, she smiled, she blew kisses to little kids, she did everything she did to people back in District 4. The response was good and they seemed to like her.

 It was as the chariot was stopping in front of big building that looked like a palace that she saw him.

 President Snow.

 Their eyes met and the only thing she could see in his eyes was cruelty and it brought back the fear. He scared her because he could hurt her and hurt her family.

 Taking a deep breath as she stared up at Snow, she knew that even though she was still scared, and would always have this fear as long as she was here in hunger games, she wasn’t going to let it cripple her.

 No, she would take it, use it to her advantage, and she would win this year’s hunger games. After all, she had multiple reasons and a promise to keep.


	5. Chapter 5

_It is said that blood is thicker than water. It is what joins us, binds us, and curses us…_

\- Unknown

* * *

 

Grabbing Neptune’s hand, after some slight hesitation, Cassia stepped off the chariot.  Quickly pulling her hand away and ignoring the look he gave her before he snorted, she quickly adjusted to the lighting and noise. There were thousands of Capitol people around them, cheering, yelling, whistling, clapping, and screaming for the tributes to notice them causing her to feel every overwhelmed on top of everything else.

 It was when there was a tap of a microphone that silence ensued. She turned her face to the blank screen that showed President Snow on it about to speak.

 “Tributes we welcome you to the Capitol.” He bellowed as he looked over this year’s tributes. “We salute your courage and we wish for you to have a happy hunger games. May the odds ever be in your favour.”

_It’s going to be hard making the odds go in my favour. Is it just me or is there something off about Snow…he unsettles me but I have a feeling I’ll be seeing a lot more of him than I want to. For now though, I should just focus more on trying to figure what Kouza meant about my mom and Snow._

As soon as Snow had made his statement, both Cassia and Neptune, found themselves surrounded by everyone. Then the praising started and it made Cassia feel very uncomfortable, Mags and mom telling her that she was great and what she did would help her in the long run; Finnick gave her a smirk and a “I told you that being yourself would work” before leading them both to the elevator lift that would take them to the apartment they would be staying at for however long this year’s hunger games took. The lift itself was small enough to just fit the district 4 team and it didn’t take them long enough to reach the fourth floor. Though she did feel bad for the worst off districts like 11 and 12, they had the longest ride, but she bet the view up at the top showing off the Capitol was beautiful to see.

 When the doors opened and the apartment was shown Cassia found her breath being torn away. It was very different than her home back in district 4. While her and Gwen had grown up in huge and beautiful home - all the homes were the same colours or a variety of colour of the same colour- the apartment was different. It was open and bright mixed with light browns, yellows, and soft blues. It instantly reminded her of district 4. _‘I wonder if they have it set so that each apartment reflects colours that could be used for each district.’_  

 “This here is the apartment that is housing the tributes of District Four, our lovely Cassia and dashing Neptune, and of course the mentors, the escort, and each of the prep teams if they wish to stay.”  Paprika explained while flourishing about the apartment as if she knew it by heart. She probably did from how many times that she’s had to escort different tributes each year Cassia thought before tuning back into the explanation Paprika was giving.

“The living room is over here. It is mostly used to see the scores of the tributes and watch any repeats of the reaping’s and opening ceremony. Next is the kitchen, each apartment has a few Avox’s assigned to them. Now the best part! Oh how I love seeing the looks on their faces each year when they see their bedrooms. They are some of the most beautiful rooms in the Capitol, if I have to say so myself.”

 If Cassia thought the apartment was nice, her room was even better when she got it shown to her. It was just a bit bigger than her room back home. It had a queen size bed, her own bathroom, and a walk-in closet that was already filled with clothes. She would have to explore her room later when she had a chance, but first she wanted to take a shower and get into something more comfortable.

 It was as if Paprika read her thoughts as she clapped her hand together, started to push the others out and announced “Supper won’t be for another hour now. That gives Neptune and Cassia here plenty of time to shower, get dressed, and be down for supper.”

It was with glee that Cassia rushed into the washroom, turned on the water, it took her a couple of tries with all of the different knobs, but finally she was able to step into the shower and for the first time since everything happened she was able to forget and just relax.

 Stepping out of the shower, she grabbed the towel that she had put on the toilet, before walking back into her room and up to the walk-in closet. Opening up the doors, she found that most of the clothes seemed be what the citizens of the Capitol would wear. Going through the clothes a few times, before deciding a simple pair of jeans and light sweater. Once she was ready, she headed down to the kitchen to where she found everyone waiting for her.

 Muttering a sorry, she sat down between Finnick and Mags, across from her mom, when what Kouza had said came back to her and before she could stop herself, she blurted out “Did I make things worse for you?”

 “Worse for me with what?’ Isadora replied confusingly.

 “Well I heard that there was a confrontation between you and Snow. Did I make things worse for you with Snow” Cassia replied.

The question had led to a deathly silence as tension started to grow.

Isadora sighed, put down her fork, and brought her hands up to her head and started massage her temple. “Cassia please I don’t want to start a fight with you. Not here. Not right now. Certainly not in front of everyone.”

 “Start a fight? Who said anything about starting a fight? I just want to know why it made things worse that I volunteered and what you did to piss off Snow.” Cassia said trying to keep her temper in. “Besides, you volunteered when you were my age.”

 “There is a difference, Cassia! I was trained my whole life that was focused on expecting me to volunteer at some point. You weren't! Neither was Gwen! I only put you in training for the basics just in case either of you got reaped! I never expected you to volunteer.” Isadora snapped, her voice starting to raise.

 “You know why I volunteered...Gwen's pregnant and she could of ended up losing the baby, maybe even herself...I - I just couldn't sit around and do nothing knowing this.  I’m tired of having to sit back and let Gwen take charge. I’m the oldest, so I should start acting like it. My first act of being the oldest is to protect my baby sister. “Cassia said.

 “You’re not protecting her, you’re making more pain for her! Do you think she wants this for you!? That I want this for you!? It’s not. What we want for you is to live your life. Going into these games and winning you’ll never have a life.” Isadora yelled.

 “Why is this bothering you so much?” Cassia asked.

 “Because I don’t want to lose another daughter to Snow, these horrible games, and the choices I have made to get them killed! I don’t want to see another daughter get killed in front of me. It was bad enough the first time...I-I can’t go through losing another one Cassia. You're going to get yourself killed!! You're not like Gwen and myself. You aren't going to be able to kill and when you're in that arena it's either kill or be killed...and I know you just don't have it in you to kill. You were dead as soon as you volunteered.” Isadora said more quietly, as if she has given up and was just exhausted and tired of everything.

 Silence echoed around the room as Cassia stared at her mom. The words _another daughter_ , _killed_ , and _dead_ floated around in her head as she tried to make sense of what her mom had just said.

 “Another daughter? What - I don’t understand. I have an older sister?  Does Gwen know? What happened to her?” Cassia stammered out before the rest of what her mom said came and hurt came hit her head on like a truck. _There’s so much I don’t know about her. That she won’t talk about. Why would she keep the fact she had another child before a secret? My own mom doesn’t believe in...She thinks I’m going to die. That I’m as good as dead._

 “You really don't think I'm going to make it out of there. That I'm weak, a burden, a mistake, that I'm not good enough and Gwen is better because she always makes you proud, while the only thing I make you feel is shame. Are we replacements for the daughter you lost? Or am I the replacement, mom?”

 Isadora spoke quietly “Cassia I --”

 Cutting her mother off as anger, hurt, and the want - the want to prove herself to her mom. “Well guess what mother! I know I'm not as good as Gwen and I'll never be as good as her. I'm too kind, I hate fighting, I feel guilty just watching the fishermen cut up the fish, I'm not confident enough, and I sure as hell didn't care enough to pay enough attention to what was being taught and I'm paying for that now. But I'm going to try my best to get home. I'm going to fight and I'm going to get sponsors my own way! I'm going to do whatever I have to get home --- to you, to Gwen, and to my niece or nephew. I just wish you would believe in me...that I can do this and to stop comparing me to Gwen because I'm not Gwen and I'll never be Gwen. I really need you now more than ever mom.”

 Turning around she held her head up high, ignored everyone, and walked out of the room.


	6. Chapter 6

_I left my memories behind_

_In search of freedom,_

_But they still follow me_

_As I walk towards the future._

_Dark thoughts_

_Of a different life,_

_Where dreams_

_Spend their days in a cage_

_And love is nothing_

_But pain._

 

   By:  Christy Ann Martine

* * *

 

 

Isadora could only stare at the spot where Cassia had disappeared. Her life was falling apart all over again, and this time she would end up losing more than both daughters; she would end losing her entire family because Gwen would never forgive her if Cassia died, she would never forgive herself.  

 

Paprika, bless her heart, was a good woman for someone who had grown in the safety of the Capitol. Isadora had worked alongside her for years now and knew that female escort tried her hardest to keep everyone, especially the tributes, in high spirits. Which is what she tried to do at the moment by putting on a false voice filled with confidence and told Isadora confidently “I’m sure Cassia is just stressed. Nothing was meant by this small argument. You’ll both come together soon. I know it.”

 

Isadora didn’t have time to answer before an Avox came up to her and handed her a note. Grabbing the note from the Avox, she thanked him and read the note.

 

_Come to the place we first talked. We have a lot to discuss. Be there for midnight. - Paion_

 

Gripping the note in her hand, Isadora stood up and excused herself “I’m not feeling very hungry at the moment. I think I’ll go to my room.” She didn’t give anyone at the table any time to answer as she stood from the table and made the short walk to her room. Shutting the door, Isadora leaned against it and let her eyes shut as exhaustion came to her. She was tired of playing games, of watching the people around be hurt because of her, but most importantly, she was **_so_** very tired of watching her loved ones dying because of her. Pushing her body off the door, Isadora walked to her bed and sat on the edge. Bringing her hands up to her face, she let the fight between her and Cassia play out. She had made so many mistakes in that fight, in her past too, and she regretted them. She regretted mention Celeste but her name had come out before her brain could stop her mouth.

 

_Oh well, there’s not much I can do about it now. Ever since Cassia volunteered I’ve been replaying that same image in my head over and over again._ Isadora thought. That horrible image was one that Isadora wanted to forget about and never, ever talk or think about.

 

_Celeste’s little body shaking as she cried. Her beautiful blue eyes filled with fear and tears. Then she went still. Her body dropped to the ground and the only thing Isadora could stare at was the tiny red dot in the middle of her daughter’s forehead. She looked away and when she looked back again Celeste was gone. Lying in her place was Cassia with a tiny red dot in the middle of her forehead._

 

**“NO!”** Isadora shouted. She wouldn’t let that happen again. Not to Cassia. Not to Gwen. Isadora had been in a very dark place after the loss of her husband and daughter. She drank, she got morphling, she did everything and anything to get rid of the pain but nothing worked. She had nothing left to live for. Then she met Paion, here in the Capitol, on her victory tour and he gave her another her something to live for. Two things to live for actually. Cassia and Gwen were her everything. They were the reason why she stayed in line with Snow and played it safe, until recently, and why she decided to give them the best lives they deserved. She was far from the best mother, made some rash decisions by keeping things from then, and had her breakdowns now and then when things got really bad, but she thought she did a good job in raising a pair of twin girls by herself.

 

**Knock. Knock.**

 

Recognizing the knock as Mags, Isadora didn’t bother to say anything. Mags was the only person that knew about her past, about what she did and had never judged her on it. Watching the woman, who had become a mother to her, wobble her way over to her and sit down made her feel like a little girl again as the words just poured out of her.

 

“Mags, did I really push Cassia to the side because she reminded me of Celeste?’ groaned Isadora as tears stung to her eyes. “I’m a horrible mother. I focused on Gwen because she’s like me the most; Cassia and Celeste are different -- they’re so much like their fathers that it scares me...that because of this difference I pushed my own daughter away, not to save her, but to save myself from the pain of losing another child.”

 

Reaching over Mags grabbed each side of her face gently and spoke the truth “She has you in her too.” Leaning forward she place a kiss on Isadora’s forehead before patting her hand and leaving.

 

She knew what she had to do.

 

It was time to tell them both her past, but she needed to make sure that she had both daughters to it tell too.

 

**_Ding Dong. Ding Dong. Ding Dong._ **

 

Looking up at the clock on her nightstand, Isadora sighed and stood up. It was time to meet Paion.

 

* * *

 

Arriving outside a park, Isadora walked around and couldn’t help but smile a bit at the few good memories she had of the Capitol. And all these good memories had one thing in common: Paion. Cassia really was like him and not just in her looks either. They were both had this charm to them that drew people to them. They were able to make people smile and cheer them up. They looked on the bright side of things. They were both had this selflessness and kept things close to the vest. The only differences between them was that Cassia could be as stubborn as a mule and would put up a fierce temper and fight for the ones she loved. Paion was likely to sit back and watch things unfold and then manipulate them to his liking. That last part was the one thing that he had passed onto Gwen.

 

Footsteps sounded behind her and Isadora turned around to greet him. Paion placed a hand on the small of her back and put some pressure to get her to start walking. It was safer this way. The more they walked around to spots that Snow couldn’t hear them talking was a lot better in Isadora’s mind. Neither of them spoke for a while and just walked around in a comfortable silence. He was the first one break it.

 

“You would think that you would have learned from the first time Isadora.” Paion said casually.

 

“Why should you care on whether or not that I’ve learned from my mistake?” Isadora demand.

 

The deadpan stare with a raised eyebrow as Paion stared at her as if she had lost her marbles.

 

“I care because you just got, not one but both, of my daughters sucked into this game you victors are playing with our dear President Snow.” Paion stated.

 

“I didn’t think that he would go after them so soon!” she snapped.

 

“It seems that you thought wrong.” Paion.

 

“Are you going to help her? Snow knows that you’re their father. Plus you’re close to him which means that you can help her. Help keep her alive. Please!?” Isadora begged.

 

“You do realize what you’re asking of me Isadora?” Paion spoke softly. “If Snow catches me then Cassia has no one safe to protect her from him here in the Capitol.”

 

“Yes. I know but I’m at loss at what to do for her.” she grumbled with a sigh escaping her lips.

 

“ _I can’t lose her Paion...I just can’t._ Please. Help her.” Isadora said as finally the tears she had been holding back since the beginning of this started to fall.

 

Giving his own sigh as spoke “I’ll see what I can Isadora. I may not know her or Gwen. I don’t wish to lose any children at all. That’s all I can do.”

 

“Thank you. That’s all I’m asking for” Isadora whispered.

 

“You better go now.” Pausing he gave her one final suggestion” Isadora maybe explaining to them your past will help all three of you”

 

Wiping her eyes, she nodded as she headed towards the path that would bring her back to her taxi and to the apartment.


	7. Chapter 7

_“Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment, until it becomes a memory."_

\- Dr. Seuss

* * *

 

Cassia lay staring up at the ceiling. She had cried for who knows how long, but she didn’t care. The fight with her mother had just been the icing on top of the cake to an awful day.

**Knock.  Knock.**

Cassia didn’t answer. She just wanted to be left alone to her thoughts. And to wallow in her misery at the stupid situation she had gotten herself in. The knocking didn’t stop and instead in just became more persistent.  

Growling, she snapped, “Go away. I don’t want to talk to anyone.” There was a pause and Cassia thought the person had went away, but it turned out she was wrong when her door opened. Finnick walked in and shut it behind him.

Cassia watched as Finnick racked his eyes over her. While he was distracted Cassia took a good look at Finnick. He was handsome. Very handsome and Cassia could understand why every girl in Panem would want him; with his bronze hair, sea-green eyes, and toned body he was a lady killer. But that is all they saw. They saw the flirt that could get into any women’s bed and one that enjoyed the sex. He was constantly with a woman or being called to go to one. Maybe he did enjoy it, Cassia had never asked, but she thought it was sick what Snow had him doing. It made her stomach churn and anger to start up because that was the image he portrayed. They never saw the **_real_** Finnick O’dair and it upset her because he was a genuinely good person ---when he wasn’t getting cocky about somethings.  Cassia knew that the only reason why Gwen and her saw the real him was because they had been seeing what the real victor’s looked when they’re putting up an image.

She was pulled out of her thoughts when said person of her current thoughts jokes, “Like what you see, Cass? Maybe I’ll give a brief demonstration on what I can do.” Let out a snort, Cassia let her gaze turn back to the ceiling, “In your dreams, Finnick.”

There was sigh and footsteps before her bed dipped. Turning her head slightly to him, she noticed that he was lying beside her. Tears filled her eyes again. His arms opened and pulled her to him. Rolling over on her side, she buried her face deeper into his chest and cried. She cried silent tears that wouldn’t stop seem to stop. Eventually her tears stopped and they just lay there, not moving. It brought a lot more comfort to Cassia than she had ever realized.

She wasn’t sure how long they just lay there in silence before she spoke. “I’ve been thinking about my childhood a lot today...and I just realized that my mom is right. Gwen is better than me a fighting. She proved it the day we first started…”

_A yelp escaped her as she hit the ground hard. The trainer stood over her with fists raised. How had she been knocked down again? She was trying so hard. Shona motioned for her to get up. “Come on, Cassia, get up. Try again! This time, try to anticipate that I’m going to use the ankle hook move. You need to move your feet! Keep them busy.”_

_Cassia groaned. She was never going to get this. Gwen cheered from the sidelines, “Come on Cass...you can do it!” That was the only thing that got her up. Cassia stretched as she got to her feet, then nodded to Shona, “Okay, let’s do this.” The two squared off and Shona threw an experimental punch. Cassia tried not to duck, because Shona had taught her that this put her in a vulnerable position. Instead, she moved her feet to the side. Shona smiled, “Good!” Again Shona moved in close but Cassia tried to push her away. It almost worked, she saw the blur of Shona’s foot, and knew she had mucked it again. Cassia went flying and landed hard on her back again. She screamed in frustration. Shona sighed, “Cassia...what did I tell you? Okay, you know what? You need a break. Gwen, trade places.”_

_Cassia watched Gwen spar with Shona. To her surprise, Gwen was a natural at this. She did everything Shona had taught them: keep the feet moving, don’t turn away from the attacker, and don’t use your fist up close, but the heel of the hand, and do an ankle sweep if you’re close to them. Gwen had Shona down in no time flat. She pumped her fist to sky in victory and turned to Cassia, “Look! I can do it! I beat her!” Cassia sighed. Of course she beat her. Just one more thing that Gwen was better at than Cassia. But Cassia put on a smile and congratulated Gwen on her win. She deserved it after all._

“Gwen just got better at it, you know? And then I found out that she wanted to follow in mom’s footsteps and volunteer. Why? Why? Why would someone willingly volunteer...and not for the sake of protecting someone, but because the really wanted to prove themselves. I couldn’t understand and it became too much for me one day and I ran away from home...I, of course, had no idea where to go until I saw Mags.”

_Cassia ran through the street, and stood there panting. She just wanted to run away from home, but there was nowhere to go. She was tired, so tired of how things were at home. Cassia looked around and found herself in front of old Mags’ house. Mags herself was sitting in front of her house, making baskets. She smiled at Cassia, “Well, you look like you need a little help, love. Why don’t you come and sit with me? Come cheer an old woman up?” Cassia paused, but did as she was bid in silence. Mags smiled gently at her, “What’s the problem, child?” Cassia couldn’t keep it to herself. “We just had another argument at home. I don’t want to train! Why do I have to train, when Mom won her Games...that means Gwen and I shouldn’t have our names drawn. But she insists on it. And she pushes us so hard! I’m tired of it all. Why do we even have these stupid Games anyway?”_

  _Mags kept weaving so long that Cassia thought she wasn’t going to answer. But then she did, “Look, Cassia, at my weaving. See how I pull the reeds together to make a watertight seal? But I must pull it hard to make it work. A good life is like a weaving. Energy is created in the tension. The struggle, the pull and the tug are everything. And see how I have decorated this basket? I have used dark threads and light ones. If I didn’t use any dark threads, the light ones wouldn’t show up as bright as they are. So, don’t allow yourself to become disheartened when the thread doesn’t suit or seems unsightly to you. Wait and watch. Be patient and devoted. As the threads twist and turn, you will begin to understand, and you will see the pattern finally begin to materialize in all its splendor.” She said no more, but kept on her work._

  _Cassia watched for a little while longer, then smiled at old Mags and went calmly back to her house._

“I understand now though. Mags was telling me that I have to take the bad times with the good. It makes the good times more precious to us, we cherish them more, and the only that I could do back then was to make sure, Gwen and my mom, had a lot more good times than bad times. It was also when I decided to try and learn everything I could to help Gwen for when she volunteered.”

“It took me awhile to think of where I should start to help her. Gwen already had the fighting and weapon parts down pat, but she would need more than just that though. Then it hit me...the most important to a tribute was in the week following up the games. Then I looked at the games themselves and tried to find out what the most common thing between all of them that they lacked. That’s when the memory of something my mom and an old family friend of hers told us when we were eating at his restaurant.”  

  _Cassia’s mouth watered. She was sitting beside Gwen in a booth at her favouirte restaurant Surf’ N’ Turf. It was a small family dinner that served different plates of seafood that was freshly caught from the fishermen in the morning. Her favorite plate was the scallop and shrimp pasta which she was currently eating. Isadora was looking slightly green in the face at her plate of pasta._

_“Momma, why do you hate pasta? I love it! It’s soooo yummy.” Cassia asked blinking up at her mother in innocent curiosity. Gwen stopped eating and had looked up at her mother too, waiting for an answer. A boisterous laugh came walking up to their table, “Well, little fish there’s any easy reason why. Your mom ate too pasta and can’t stand it anymore.”  Sebastian said. Sebastian was an old friend of their mommy’s grandparents._

_Sharing a look with Gwen, Cassia let her twin pipe up, “Why would mommy eat too much pasta?” This time, their mom answered, “I needed to do it for my games. I was taught to eat only things that had carbs in them. Things like pasta --they fill you up and makes you gain weight. It was one of the ways I survived my games.”  Giving them a stern look, “Enough of that kind of talk. It’s dinner time, let’s enjoy it.”_

_Two courses of “okay” were heard as Cassia went back to happily eating her pasta._

“So, I started looking up foods that were full of carbs and made a list for her. Mom had been so surprised, but Gwen, she just stared at the list and hugged me. It meant more to her than anything that anyone else had done for her.”

Cassia paused to lick her lips before continuing, “Did you know that mom originally didn’t want Gwen to follow in her steps. Mom got mad, really mad, and it started a huge argument between the two. They eventually came to a compromise that Gwen wouldn’t volunteer until her last two years. To give her more time to become better. It makes sense now on why the little things, sometimes made mom upset and cry. Watching mom cry...always made me want to comfort her. To help take away her pain, even if it was just for a little while. Just like how she used to do when I was little and afraid of thunderstorm.”

  _Cassia whimpered and slammed her hands to her mouth to keep in the sobs. It wouldn’t do any good to wake Gwen up. Besides Mags and Mommy said she was a big girl now and big girls had to be brave. Another clap of thunder sounded followed by a flash of lightning. Cassia gave up any hope of trying to be a big girl._

_She jumped out of her bed and ran too her mommy’s room. Stopping outside the door, Cassia leaned on the doorway and peered in to see if mommy was sleeping or not. Mommy was sitting up on the bed and Cassia could hear sobs coming from her mommy. She didn’t like it when mommy was sad._

_Another clap of thunder sounded, but this time it was over their home, and Cassia screamed, “MOMMY!” She burst in tears._

_Isadora came running out and quickly saw her daughter on the floor crying. Cassia felt her mommy pick her and walk somewhere. Then her mommy started to sing a song that Cassia had never heard before._

 

_Hush now my Storeen Close your eyes and sleep_

_Waltzing the waves_

_Diving the deep_

_Stars are shining bright_

_The wind is on the rise_

_Whispering words of long lost lullabies_

_Oh won't you come with me_

_Where the moon is made of gold_

_And in the morning sun_

_We'll be sailing_

_Oh won't you come with me_

_Where the ocean meets the sky_

_And as the clouds roll by_

_We'll sing the song of the sea_

_I had a dream last night_

_And heard the sweetest sound_

_I saw a great white light and dancers in the round_

_Castles in the sand_

_Cradles in the trees_

_Don't cry, I see you by and by_

_Oh won't you come with me_

_Where the moon is made of gold_

_And in the morning sun_

_We'll be sailing_

_Oh won't you come with me_

_Where the ocean meets the sky_

_And as the clouds roll by_

_We'll sing the song of the sea_

_Rolling_

_Rolling_

_Rolling_

_Rolling_

_Oh won't you come with me_

_Where the moon is made of gold_

_And in the morning sun_

_We'll be sailing free_

_Oh won't you come with me_

_Where the ocean meets the sky_

_And as the clouds roll by_

_We'll sing the song of the sea_

_Her mom’s hand was running through her hair, and she was shifted so that she could hear her mommy’s heartbeat. **Thump. Thump.** The steady beating of her mom’s heart combined with the singing chased away the last of Cassia’s fear._

_Before she knew it, Cassia was sleeping sweet dreams._

“I never asked why she was crying that or why she decided to sing a song I had never heard before. But know I think I know why. It was because of Celeste...my older, dead sister. Was she singing to me because she thinks I’m a replacement? Does she not love me as me? I just don’t understand why...and the questions keep piling up and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am going die because I’ll never get sponsors. I’m not good enough.” Cassia finished with a parched voice.

Swiping at her eyes with her hand, she could feel Finnick’s eyes bore into her. He hadn’t said anything while she told him all of her thoughts and memories. He had sat silent and gave her what she needed the most: someone to just let her vent everything. But, now it was his time to speak.

“You’re wrong.”

Snapping her head up to him, Cassia felt her eyes widen. His hand came up, underneath her chin, and titled it up some more, so that they were staring each other in the eyes.

“Cassia, you are wrong about many things in what you just said. Isadora **loves** you and she loves you for who you are. I see it every time she looks at you. She’s proud of you, too. She brags about her smart, kind, and selfless daughter who helps the people she loves --even if she doesn’t agree with them ---because she wants to see them exceed. And you give it to them like you did for Gwen. I may not know the story behind Celeste, but I do know that the only reason why Isadora said those things is because she’s afraid. Very afraid. She has every right to be, Cassia. Snow isn’t going to be easy on you in the arena. But you’re smart, resourceful, and combine that with your kindness you’ll be getting a lot more sponsors than you think. Trust me on that.”

Cassia felt mixed emotions at that, and searching Finnick’s face she couldn’t find any sign other than the fact that he really seemed to believe everything he had just said.

“Okay...I’ll trust you.”

Smirking, he replied, “Good. And Cassia, promise me before this training week ends, you’ll talk to Isadora?”

Narrowing her eyes, Cassia let out a huff, “I’ll t-” a yawn escaped her before she could finish. She was starting to fall asleep. Her eyes closing as she finished her sentence, “I’ll try. It’s the best I can promise.”

If the sigh he gave was any indication, that wasn’t the answer he wanted to hear. Cassia didn’t care as she drifted off into sweet bliss.


	8. Chapter 8

_“We don’t meet people by accident. They are meant to cross our paths for a reason._ ” --Unknown

* * *

 

Cassia was comfortable, and didn’t know what woke her up, but she knew that she just wanted to go back to sleep. Her bed was soft, the sheets made her feel like she was drifting on a cloud, and her pillow was hard but comfortable and was moving underneath from underneath her. It was gentle and steady like a boat out on the water. It lulled her back into the depths of sleep.

She let out a small moan and buried her face deeper into her pillow. It moved again and she unwillingly opened up her eyes. She blinked furiously when the light hit her eyes and let out a painful groan. Her head pounded, her throat was dry, and her eyes felt heavy and itchy. She blinked up into the face, sleeping face, of Finnick. She felt her stomach do butterflies and her face and neck warm up pretty bad. She felt…good but a bit horrified about the position they were sleeping in.

Cassia went still as Finnick shifted in his sleep, muttering a name of some sort, before moving away from him slightly and slipped out of the bed. Quietly, she tiptoed to the washroom. Shutting the door silently, Cassia walked over to the sink and took in her appearance. Her hair was not curly anymore but a ball of frizz, her mocha skin was paler than it should be, and her eyes were bloodshot.  Cassia sighed and pressed her head against the cool counter. Her thoughts churned at the memories still playing around in her head and she felt the beginnings of guilt stir. Cassia groaned and sighed once more. Standing up straight, she turned on the water and splashed herself with cold water.

Feeling a bit better of herself, Cassia turned off the light and slipped out of her washroom. A glance at the bed told her that Finnick was still sleeping. She wasn’t exactly tired or ready to go back to bed yet, so she slipped out of her bedroom and into the actual apartment. Noticing that the Capitol’s city life was still going on, Cassia had to assume that it was still pretty late into the morning. Walking over to the window, Cassia looked out at the city. It really was beautiful, but at the same time, it was very deadly too. Her thoughts were spoken out loud but not by her.

“The Capitol. It is everything I learned about and what I aimed for all my life. It is more stunning in person than on the screens. It also holds the deadly hungers games which makes it a deadly beauty.” A soft male voice said to her.

Cassia turned slightly to face Neptune. He walked up beside her and didn’t look at her. Instead he studied the city in front of him and continued, “Just like the games themselves. They bring together all of the districts, make an event out of it, and celebrate it. Beautiful but deadly.”

Cassia studied him before looking back out the window. She watched the different lights and people milling about celebrating. When she spoke it was soft. “They don’t teach you in training, or when you volunteer, or if you live here on how it actually is afterwards. They don’t get to see the damage that was done or what little is left of you. They don’t see your demons. You don’t see the victor’s demons when they let go of the masks they put up. Which is why I don’t understand on why people actually train for these games or volunteer.”

Cassia could feel his eyes bore into her, but she never looked at him. Neptune snorted and said in a sarcastic voice, “You don’t know why we train for them? You don’t understand why people volunteer? Well, Cassia...I hate to have to tell you this, but wake up and stop daydreaming. You know the answer to both of those questions. Your mother was a career before becoming one of the most well-known victors. Your own twin sister is training as a career and you know her better than anyone in Panem.” He paused and laughed softly before pointing out, “You volunteered for your sister. For some unknown reason nobody knows. You know those answers very well I would say.”

Cassia frowned and her eyes locked onto Neptune’s. They stared at each other in silence before she looked away first. They both went back to staring out the window for some time before she heard him start to walk away. Before he could actually leave, she asked him quietly, “What is your reason for training?”

For a long time, there was nothing but silence and Cassia was beginning to think that Neptune had left, when he spoke soft enough that she had a hard time hearing, “It was the only way to get my parents to notice me after what happened.” With that answer, she could hear his footsteps as he walked away and left her alone once again.

When she looked out the window again, Cassia wasn’t really seeing anything. Her thoughts had taken control of her. She thought about what she had said to him and his answer to her. Neptune was right when he had told her that she understood better than most. She had no clue what her mom’s reasoning was, but she knew that whatever it was still haunted her mother to this day. Gwen trained for two main reasons. The first being that she loved it. She loved the rush and the adrenaline. She loved the risk of it. She loved the feeling of power it gave her whenever she won against someone stronger.  She loved the determination it gave her to improve herself whenever she lost to become better. The second reasons was that Gwen didn’t want to live in their mom’s protection or shadow anymore. She wanted to prove to Isadora that she was her own person. Not being defined or held up in praise by their mother. Cassia had a hard time wrapping her mind around her twin’s reasoning but she went with it.

Cassia sighed as she thought on the second part. She knew the answer to that one pretty well, considering she had done it herself. She wondered if that was why people often volunteered. Because they had someone they cared about or loved more than life itself that they couldn’t bear to see them harmed or killed? That was why she had done it.

Cassia groaned and rested her head against the window. These thoughts were all leading back to the one thing she really didn’t want to think about: her mother and the huge fight they had. Her gut churned with guilt and she thought that maybe she had been too harsh on her mom.

Cassia was brought out of her thoughts when she heard a noise coming from the hallway. Perking up, she eagerly took this opportunity to get away from these glum thoughts and went to investigate. She opened the door, made sure it wasn’t locked so that she could get back in, and slipped out into the hallway. She leaned forward and looked to the left, and then the right, where she noticed a boy around her age on her floor. She looked at him with confusion and curiosity. He wasn’t supposed to be on their floor, which meant that he was trying to go somewhere. Cassia had no idea what made her walk up behind him, tap his shoulder, and ask tell him quietly, “You’re not supposed to be on my floor. We aren’t even supposed be out of our apartments. What are you doing exactly?”

The boy jumped at her voice, spun around, and pushed Cassia to the wall, hand on her throat. But when he took a better look, he cocked his head, “Oh. It's just you. Cassia isn't it?”

Narrowing her eyes at him, Cassia stomped on his foot hard, grabbed his wrist in hand and twisted it slightly. She slammed her other hand over his mouth to keep him from making any noise. Hissing at him with slight annoyance, “Who are you? How do you know my name so well? And what exactly are you doing out here on my floor?”

The boy raised an eyebrow and gently took her hand off his mouth. He whispered snarkily, “Questions, questions. Well, if you want answers, come with me. I was going to take a walk. Let's not get caught here if we can help it.”

Cassia hesitated slightly before slowly nodding. Grudgingly, she told him, “You’re right. My mom would kill me if I got caught out here on the first night.”

He nodded and led her down to the training area, ducking out of the way of adults roaming around. Putting a finger to his lips he waited by a door. Checking around carefully, he punched in a code then opened it. They stepped outside and he grabbed her hand to run to the next building. When they got inside, the hay sweet smell of horses hit their noses. He smiled and talked in a normal tone, “There now. We're safe. For now.”

Cassia looked around her in interest. All around her were things she had heard of but had never seen. The floor was cold on her bare feet and the smell wasn’t something she liked, but the creatures where beautiful. At least to her they were. She stared at them with slight nervousness and awe. Deciding to focus on the boy, Cassia crossed her arms and huffed out, “It’s time for you to answer my questions. Who are you? What were you doing on my floor? And why did you want to come here of all places?”

The boy grinned and patted a chestnut horse, “Dante! How are you, boy?” He moved to the next horse and scratched its neck. It twisted its neck in pleasure and stuck the bottom lip out, “And you still love this, Pearl. Don't you Pearl, my girl?” Finally he turned to Cassia, “Okay, first off, I'm Xander Larose. District 10. And I wanted to come here and see the horses again. I just got off on the wrong floor.”

Cassia studied Xander. Her eyes flickered between him and the horses. She spoke quietly, “How did you know who I was? I’m going to guess that you’re another tribute.”

Xander nodded, “Yeah, so I am. And my dear, I pay attention.  I know who the other tributes are. I'm quite surprised you don't. Do you have a thing for that big lump of a Neptune?”

Cassia was aware of her face screwing up in slight disgust. She was surprised by his observation though. That could be a very dangerous thing for her. Cautiously, she told him, “No, I don’t. Don’t even like the guy. He is….surprising though. And one of the best of the best back in District 10. You are very observant. I wasn’t expecting that from the looks of you.”

He laughed at that and gestured at the horses. “That comes from them. My granddad raises horses. My dad trains them. The horses for the parades come from them. We have to pick just the right temperament and train them for here. Something easy to handle, not distracted by crowds, and showy. Pearl here was one of my favourites. I foaled her myself.”

Cassia cocked her head at him. She frowned slightly. This was **not** good. If he had helped raise and train horses all of his life meant that not only was he observant, but he was all also strong, had excellent instincts, and was very aware of his surrounds. He also seemed to know how to read body language. Cassia decided to do something Gwen would do. She would use him to gather information on him and the other tributes.

Focusing back on the horse, she asked confused, “Foaled? What does that mean? We have nothing like this on District 4.”

Xander gave Pearl another pat and scratch before going to one of the white horses Cassia had ridden behind. He patted this one and replied, “That means I helped when she was born. She was stuck inside her mother, one leg back and couldn't get out. I had to reach in...my arm was small enough for the space… and pull it out again. I saved her life, and her mother's too. She was such a pretty foal...or baby horse to you.”

Ava stared at Pearl. Her eyes trailed back to Xander and she said softly, “That is both gross and heartwarming at the same time.” She watched him move from horse to horse for a bit before asking, “Do you plan on winning the games?”

Xander laughed and asked, “Don't you? I ain't scared. I just hate dealing with all these fancy schmancy people. Just let me have a weapon and one other opponent and there's a fight for me. But anyway, I much prefer these pretties to _those_ people who are nothing more than jackasses.”

Cassia was defensive with her answer. “I plan on winning no matter the cost to me. I have to...I made a promise. I never go back on my promises. By these jackassess...do you mean the Careers, the Victors, or the Capitol people?”

Xander gave a look of disgust, “The Capitol people of course. Though the Careers aren't much better. But in all my life I have never seen or understood all this frivolity. They wouldn't know the back end of a horse from its front even if they had their heads stuck in its rear.”

Cassia stared at him with eyes blazing. She felt defensive of what he said because both her mother and sister were Careers. She growled at him and snapped, “Maybe the Capitol people don’t know any better. It was the way they were raised to be. As for the Careers….some of them have more personal reasons that you would **never** understand for becoming one. Don’t judge them based on what you and everyone else thinks of them.”

He looked at her and mockingly said, “Oooh! Raw nerve there? Right… dear mom was a Victor yeah? Something us poor lackeys from 10 should aspire to? Nevermind Cassia. We're all pawns in their stupid chess game. A game someone as pretty as you shouldn't be in. Ah what the hell. They want a show? We'll give them their damn show.”

Cassia felt pure anger surge through her. It wasn't often someone could push her buttons like this. Normally this was something that Gwen would do, not her, but Cassia put it down to all the stress and emotional issues that had went on. It seemed that Xander could though and that pissed her off more than she thought possible. Storming up to him, she shoved him backwards and shoved a finger into his chest. Her voice came out deadly calm, “Being a victor...isn't all that it's made up to be. I never wanted to be here. I wanted nothing to do with _this_. Why I'm here or why I aim to win…that isn't any of your business. I have an idea of the game we're all in but I have no plans on by playing by the rules. The only thing that **matters** to me is my family.”

Xander only laughed and said, “Well good. I don't play by the rules either. Otherwise I wouldn't be out here, yeah? Or got a code to get out the door right? And if you think you can push me around, got news for you. I'm used to handling thousand pound animals. Think I can take you.”

Cassia felt her eyes flash, but she stepped away. She may be pissed at him but she wasn’t stupid. She knew that she couldn’t take him, but there was another reason why, which she pointed out to him with her arms crossed, “Tributes aren’t supposed to harm or fight one another until the arena. It’s against the rules. Something we both broke since meeting.”

Xander shrugged, “I just really wanted to see these guys again. And I'm happy to see they all remember me. But you're right. I should get the princess back to her castle for her beauty sleep. Not that you need much of that.”

Cassia glared at him and hissed, “I am not a princess just because my mother is a Victor. And did you just insult me?”

“Nope, Princess. You don't need much beauty sleep because you're already pretty.” He chuckled. “You ready to go?”

Cassia felt her cheeks warm at his compliment and she gave him a glare, before saying softly, “Yes. The farther away from you I get, I the happier I’ll be. You push all my buttons.”

He gave a grin and a wink, “That's what my grandmother says. Something about me being incorrigible. And needing a mother's touch or some such nonsense.” He turned to give Pearl one more scratch and a kiss on the nose before heading to the door.

Cassia glanced one more time at the horses before following Xander. They took the same route as they had getting down. It took some time, but Cassia was relieved to be back on her floor. She was about to get out of the elevator before stopping at staring at him. She hesitated before saying softly and quickly, “Good luck with the training that starts today.”

Xander glanced at her and gave a showy bow, “Yeah, and you too, Princess.” He flashed a grin before the doors closed again.

Cassia scowled at the shut doors before hurrying to her apartment. Slipping in quietly, she shut the door and locked. Making sure that no one was around, Cassia glanced out the window and estimated that she had at least three more hours of sleep left. Going back to her room, she smiled and felt relief that Finnick was still asleep in her bed. Crawling back into it, she resumed the position she had been in before and decided not to even worry or think about that stupid Xander. After tonight, she didn’t have to have anything to do with him. Smiling happily at that thought, Cassia pressed herself closer to Finnick and let his chest lull her back to sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: I forgot to mention in the last chapter I posted, but I would like to shout out to my good friend blueroanmare for creating the character Xander, she is awesome and we have big plans for him! 
> 
> I should also mention, that while not every descriptive, there is mention of mature themes near the end of chapter. And will be in future chapters. If you feel uncomfortable reading it, I will put * this sign just before and after, to let you all know if you wish to skip it. Thanks for reading and enjoy this chapter!

_“We are like islands in the sea, separate on the surface but connected in the deep.”_

― William James

* * *

 Cassia groaned as the knocking persistently increased in volume. She didn't want to get up when she had just gotten back to sleep.  She was about to burrow her face back into the bed when said bed moved. She snapped her eyes open and looked into sleepy sea green eyes.

Cassia and Finnick stared at each other for a moment. It was long enough for her to gain back memories of last night and to know that waking up after sleeping on him was a lot more embarrassing when he was awake.

Scrambling out of the bed, she blushed as much as she could and looked away from him. She couldn't believe that she had willingly fell asleep on him for a second time. She squirmed on the spot and squeaked in a high pitch voice, “Morning. How....was your sleep?”

Finnick stared at her for a moment before grinning at her in a teasing voice, “I enjoyed it very much. Thank you.” He walked up to her and grabbed her shoulders in his hands. In a more serious and soft voice. “Cassia, you need to talk to Isadora about the fight. Or at least listen to her. She just wants what is best for you. For you both.”

Cassia was about to reply when the door slammed open. Her mom stood in the doorway, staring at them with an unreadable look. Finally, she told them, “Finnick come with me. We need to talk. Cass...just get ready and be down at the table. We’ll go over what’s happening for mentors and training.”

Cassia sighed as her mom shut the door behind her a bit louder than normal. Flickering her gaze to Finnick, she said sheepishly, “She’s not...happy. I don’t feel bad at all for you.”

Finnick laughed and gave her his signature smirk, “Don’t worry, Cass. I can talk my way out of anything your mother throws at me. She’s not as scary as you make her seem.” He winked at her and walked out. Huffing in annoyance, Cassia rolled her eyes and went about to getting ready. She got dressed in workout pants and a tank top. She put her hair up and made sure her glasses were on before she done. Walking out to the kitchen table, Cassia looked around curiously. Her mom, Mags, and Finnick weren’t there, but everyone else was. Paprika was talking up a storm to anyone that was listening. Neptune looked up briefly and gave her a nasty smirk.

Rolling her eyes at him, Cassia sat down beside Paprika and piled her plate with whole wheat bread, porridge, cereal with fruit, a muffin, and she made a sandwich out of eggs, bacon, some kind of potato, and a glass of orange juice. She eyed it warily and sighed. She normally didn’t eat this much for breakfast, but she remembered her mom saying to an old friend of hers, that she ate a lot of carbs and gained some weight to tide her over through her games. She was just about finished when the mentors walked in.

They waited until everyone was finished before her mom spoke up first. Isadora placed a hand on her hip and told them straight-faced with a no nonsense voice, “I’m not going to be mentoring anyone this year. I’m...to close for this one. Everyone here knows that I would be to bias in my choice on who I would rather win. To make things more fair Mags will be mentoring in my stead and Finnick will still be mentoring as usual. They aren’t as close to the matter as I am.”

Finnick spoke up with his arms crossed over his chest and looked at Cassia and Neptune. “You can both decide if you want to train together or use us mentors separate. We’ll switch up it after the three days of training with your fellow tributes.  The choice is up to you both.”

Cassia looked at her mom, who had another unreadable look on her face and looked exhausted, and their eyes met. She wasn’t sure what her mom was trying to say, but she knew that whatever choice she chose she would get support from her mom. No matter how distant they were at the moment. Cassia didn’t even glance at Neptune when she said quickly, “Separate. I’ll go with Mags for the first bit. Then Finnick after.” She heard Neptune agree.

Paprika clapped her hands in glee and said in a sing-song voice. “Now my dears, it is time for your training. Before we go do any of you mentors have words for your tributes?”

Her mom spoke up, “Don’t get close to anyone. Stay away from the other tributes. You’ll be better off by yourself.”

Finnick spoke up next, “Keep your abilities to yourself. Don’t show off and go to the survival stations. Most of the other tributes won’t. These survival stations can, and will, save your life. And try to get in with Careers. It’ll make your life a lot easier.” This last statement was pointedly stated at Cassia, to which she ignored it for now.

Mags seemed content with what the other two had told them and nodded. When Cassia walked by her, she got a pat on the hand and a kiss on the cheek. Smiling slightly at her, Cassia walked slightly behind Neptune and tuned Paprika out. She knew the basic rules and what the training center was for.

The elevator doors opened to an underground gymnasium. Cassia stared around at the familiar sight of her childhood. It was like the training center back home, expect the one at home was smaller and was only used for fighting and weapon purposes. The one for the Capitol was filled with different training stations and obstacle courses that they could use to prepare and practice for the challenges of the arena. She noticed that the training stations were spaced throughout the center and were based on different skills. Cassia instantly took notice of the survival ones that she knew she would use, which included:  knot tying, identifying edible plants and insects, and how to build a fire. The camouflage one caught her attention too. She would stay far away from the weapons and keep that to herself. Experts were stationed at each station to instruct and serve as training partners to them, and as she had mentioned to Xander last night, they were forbidden to fight each other before the Games begin. Though what caught her attention at the last second was a window high up that held all of the mentors watching over them.

Cassia had been so busy studying and then watching the mentors that it took a tap on the shoulder from Neptune. Cocking her head up at him, Cassia pushed her glasses up and raised an eyebrow. He gave her a grin, leaned down and whispered in her ear, “You really should pay attention. Or do you think you’re better than everyone here because of the fact you grew up so privileged? You may have the knowledge but I don't think you can act on it. If it were Gwen here...well, I only have to say that she can talk the talk and walk the walk.”Cassia narrowed her eyes and tried to not let her anger control her. Taking a deep breath, she gave him a leveled look, and walked away from him. She could hear him laugh at her, but she ignored it. Looking around, she decided to start with the edible plants and foods. The instructor was more than happy to tell her all about it, and pleased when she caught on quickly, that she was soon left by herself. Until a very familiar and annoying voice spoke from behind her.

“Hey Princess. Decided to get down to our level in the mud, did you?”

Not even bothering to look at him, she replied back, “I've been at your level plenty of times. Even less. Like I told you before...don't judge them or me.” Her eyes flickered to where their mentors were watching them all.

Xander glanced up too and laughed. “Always eyes on us. Gets annoying. And my mentor is an ass. I much prefer doing things my way. And watch the others. One learns plenty that way.”

Cassia looked at him at that and took in his appearance more closely. He was taller than her by a couple of inches, had strawberry blonde hair with striking blue eyes, and a dark tan. Blinking a couple of times at him, she finally gave a small huff and told him bluntly, “Yeah? Then by now you should know that I don't want you near me. I'm not going to get attached to anyone or form any alliances. I can't afford it.”

Xander eyes her and shrugged, “Lone wolf? Yeah I hear ya. Me too.” He studied some of the other tributes and jerked his head towards one, “See that boy there? District 9… name's Ben I think. Or is it Brent? Whatever. See him practice wrestling? I can see his weakness from here. Watch closely. See how he steps out more with his right leg than his left?”

Cassia glanced at Xander before studying the boy. “Yes, I see.”

Xander grinned, “That's going to be his downfall. Moving like that is a habit. Must have broken his leg before and never quite got over protecting that side. Classic moves. Easy kill.”

Cassia studied the boy before turning back to study Xander. He confused her. “Why did you tell me that? What makes you think I need your help?”

“You don't. You're a Career, aren't you? Maybe I just like to hear myself talk. Maybe I'm just bored with the whole charade. I don't care what happens. Just as long as I get some fun out of it.” Xander had a lazy attitude by the end of that.

Cassia burst out laughing. He thought she was a Career...that was the most hilarious thing she had ever heard. Trying to get her laughter under control, she felt eyes on her. Looking up, she caught Neptune staring at her with an expression she couldn’t read. But that wasn’t the only pair that was on her. Turning her gaze back to the mentors, she winced slightly as her eyes caught Finnick’s. He didn’t look happy with her considering what his advice had been. Though if she thought that he was bad, she was wrong. Her mother looked absolutely disapproving of her talking to Xander. Wincing again, she quickly tore her eyes away from mom and back to Xander. She told him before she left for another station, “I’m not a lone wolf. There is only one person I trust with my life and she isn’t here.”

Xander flashed a grin and looked at the mentors. He stared down the ones he knew were with Cassia. He deliberately raised a hand to them with only the middle finger up. He snorted and turned away, saying quietly to Cassia, “Fuck this whole thing. Go be a pawn if you wish.” He stalked off to a station opposite hers and occupied himself.

Cassia frowned at him but spent the rest of the day training, other than stopping for lunch, until the end of the day rolled up. She ignored Neptune, ignored Paprika and her chattering, and ignored everyone and headed straight to the dining room table. She stuffed herself full of pasta and salads. Then she headed straight to her room and slept for a while. When she woke up, she decided to take a shower and wash herself of all the grim. She had just gotten out of the shower and was startled to find Finnick in her room with his arms crossed.

She could feel his eyes trail down her in only a towel before he said in a dead calm voice, “What was the first thing I told you both not to do today?”

Cassia winced slightly and mumbled, “Not to talk to any of the other tributes and to try and get in with the Careers.”

“Yes, which you did the exact opposite of to both!” Finnick said with a bit of bite in his words.

Cassia scowled at him, but stayed calm and explained. “Why are you even mad with me over this? We both know that I’m not Career material. That’s Gwen’s department and mom’s. Not mine. To point this out to you, I didn’t start that conversation. He did. I told him to leave but he didn’t.”

Finnick stepped towards her and grabbed her arm. His voice didn’t rise but she could tell he was beyond pissed. Gripping her arm a bit tightly, he told her, “I’m trying to make sure you make it out alive! That you make it back to Gwen and your mom! That’s why I’m pissed because you aren’t making this easy for me, Cassia. You need to get in with the Careers. You’ll get more sponsors that way.”

Now Cassia could feel her own anger rising. Her voice rose though and she snapped, “I’m not joining the Careers! I have no interest in them or their cruelty. I’ll do everything else you say but that.”

Finnick stared at her for a long moment before letting her arm go. He stepped away and told her quietly, “If you don’t follow the rules then people get hurt. Those closest to you will get hurt. You’ll already have a hard time because of who you’re related to, what you did by volunteering, and what Isadora did to piss Snow off. He’s going to be after you in that arena, Cassia. Just...think about everything else before you go and dismiss something from your mentor.” He didn’t wait for her to respond and just left her to her thoughts.

 

* * *

 

Cassia sank down against the wall of the training centers lunch room. It was the next day and the tributes were having their lunch break. She forced herself to eat the food in front of her. To say that she was exhausted would be a lie. She was beyond exhausted. She hadn’t slept the night before with everything playing in her head. Gwen’s parting words and the promise. Her mom’s words during the fight that they still hadn’t made up for. Finnick’s parting words to her last night. But most all, Xander’s words about being a pawn in a game.

Cassia sighed. She knew that there was something bigger going on, but she was pretty sure it wasn’t something she wanted to be part of.  She had a gnawing feeling that her mom, Finnick, Mags, and some of the other victors were all part of it.  But the question was did she want to follow the rules and be a pawn or buck against the rules and maybe get Gwen hurt in some way. Well, she knew the answer to that question right away. She would follow the rules until she had more information on what the hell was going on.

But Cassia had done what Finnick had asked of her. Well...part of what he asked of her. She kept to herself and stayed away from Xander. But she absolutely refused to join the Careers. If she was going to win...then she would keep her morals and not cross that line. Thinking of Xander, she had been oddly...disappointed? When she hadn’t heard that stupid nickname of hers. Snorting to herself, Cassia put it down to the lack of sleep she got that made her actually miss him.

She finished her food and had her eyes shut when she heard the chair beside her move, someone sit down, and start talking to her. Opening her eyes, she found Xander opposite of her. Well...dammit. What was the saying she heard, “Speak of the devil and he will appear.” It seemed that she only had to think of him for him to appear. Lucky her.

Xander eyed Cassia and asked point blank, “Are you going to do something with those glasses? Or are you just hoping they'll get smashed at the first opportunity?”

Cassia was too tired to be huffy with him. “Let them get smashed. I need them for now. Besides, I can sort of see. Everything is just blurry around the edges.”

He cocked his head at her and smiled. Then he brushed back a loose strand of her hair, “I like your hair. Anyways, did you get in trouble for ‘associating’ with me? You know… lone rebel and all?”

Cassia looked at him strange, but didn’t move away from his touch. Instead, she said, “You’re a very strange guy. And I know a lot of strange guys back home. For your information, no. I got in trouble because I didn’t do as Finnick told me to.”

Xander leaned back and thought. He ran his hand through his hair then said, “Bucking the rules already? Fair enough. My mentor doesn't bother much with me. He knows he can't change me. And Daisy needs his help more than me. I bet you anything she'll be done in the first round though.”

Cassia sat up at that. She cocked her head at him and said quietly, “I wasn’t bucking the rules. It was more like...I didn’t, still don’t, agree with what he wishes for me to do. Though I trust him, Mags, and my mom to help me to the best of their abilities. Even if I don’t agree with what they say sometimes. It seems like you’re not giving your district partner enough credit.”

He wrinkled his nose, “Daisy is twelve. She can ride. But not a lot else. But what can we do? Maybe she'll surprise us all anyway.” He hesitated briefly before asking, “So… what's your mother like? When she's not here anyway? At home I meant.”

Cassia gave him a confused look and asked curiously, “Why do you want to know what she’s like? Surely you know of her and her...personality? She’s one of the more well-known ones.”

He shrugged, “Curiosity. Just wanted to know if you're like her or not. She's a bit of a...well I won't insult you. Doesn't really matter. Have had older females try to rein me in and the only one who can do it is my grandmother.”

Cassia sighed and looked away. Her voice was soft as she answered. “Mom is a lot different than she is here. But I’m not really like her. My sister is more like her than I am. She’s determined and willing to do anything to protect us. She’ll do anything she can to make sure of that. It gets annoying at times but I know she does it out of her love for us. But she also has this soft side that she only shows Gwen and me.  She takes away our fears. She comforts us when we need it. She’s not a perfect mom, but she is one of the better ones. I love her and have a lot of respect for her. I mean, who could raise a baby, twins no less, right after becoming a Victor and having to deal with all those issues. It couldn’t have been easy at all.”

Xander’s blue eyes seemed even bluer when he listened. Finally he said almost dismissively, “Huh. Guess not. Not my area of expertise. Seeing as I ain't got one. My dad raised me along with his horses. And I much prefer them to people anyhow. A horse can't lie. They'll tell you flat out to your face if they don't like you. And they always have a reason for what they do.”

Cassia reached out and placed her hand on top of his. She looked up at him and said softly, “I don’t know what it’s like having a father. It’s always just been Gwen, mom, and I. Mags helped mom raise us. So I guess you can say that she’s an honorary grandmother to us. I prefer the ocean over people. Though that’s because people either tend to look down on us or praise us. They don’t see us as us. Only a certain image that they have in their heads. I hate it but don’t show it much. Gwen...she’s the one that bucks against it. And yet...she followed in mom’s footsteps to get out of that image.”

Xander looked down at Cassia’s hand on his. He looked up again at her and locked eyes. He then grinned, “You'd have liked it in 10 then. We deal with animals, and hate… well... bullshitting each other. We take each other for the most part honestly. See… this is why I rub people here the wrong way. I don't kiss ass, and I don't play games. I tell them what they are to their faces.”

Slipping her hand out of his, Cassia warned him, “I’ll tell you this from experience of growing up surrounded by Victors. They put on masks for a reason and behave or they do what you do and say it honestly. One way makes sure you live a sort of normal lives. The other….it makes you like my mom. Hard and tough because they were honest and punished for it. Sometimes it’s better to just be the first one.”

Xander grimaced, and told her, “Yeah sure. That's what everyone says. Just be good little slaves and nothing will happen.” He got up to leave and said very quietly, “Just watch out. Not for me...but _them._ I'll say this one thing now. Out in 10...we hear things. As in there are more districts than twelve.” With that, he sauntered away.

Cassia could only stare at him as he walked away. What did he mean by that there was more districts than twelve? Shaking her head, she pushed that piece of information away for later and stood up herself. It was time to get back to the stupid training.

* * *

Cassia stared across at Neptune, who was with the rest of the Careers, as he showed of his powers. It was their last day of training, and true to her word, Cassia hadn’t went near the weapons. She had circled around to each station for one last time and was now at a loss on what to do.

She looked up at the mentor window and saw her mom talking quietly to District 11’s and 12’s mentors. She sighed. She had gotten back to the room after training yesterday and had been tempted to ask her mom about this supposed other district, but something told her not to do or say anything about here in the Capitol. Instead, it had been another tense night where neither mother nor daughter had talked to each other. There had been more advice that had went around, but other than that a quiet evening.

Cassia was pulled out of her thoughts by Neptune’s voice. A scowl made a way to her face when she realized that he was in front of her with the other Careers behind him. Sighing, she asked him, “What do you want Neptune?”

He gave her a smirk and gave her an offer, “We want you to join the Careers. You’re not good like Gwen, but you’ll do for this time. Besides...don’t you want to follow in your mom’s footsteps or are you too chicken?”

Narrowing her eyes, Cassia flicked her gaze to the mentor box again. Her mother was watching them both now. Turning to Neptune and the rest, she denied him by channeling her inner Gwen. Hoping that would get him away from her, she said to him, “No. I have my morals. Doing what you guys do...isn’t part of them.”

Cassia knew instantly she pissed them all off. She shifted her stance into a defensive stance and watched them all carefully. The others had moved closer to her and Neptune grabbed her wrist. She glared at him and said, “Let go of me. I have no wish to join you guys.”

A voice sounded from behind. “Get your hands off her or I'll call down the authorities on you. Neptune, I'd tell you to fuck off, but I think you'd be quite disappointed.”

Cassia craned her head backwards and saw Xander behind her. She wasn’t sure if she felt relieved or pissed that he was here. On one hand, he was helping her out. On the other...he was making things worse. Another glance to the mentor box had her wincing. All of the mentors were watching what was happening. So were the Peacekeepers. Cassia knew that she had to end this now before it got out of hand.

“Neptune.” She called for his attention. Waiting until his eyes were back on her, she said, “Do you really want to start something here? Or wouldn’t you rather wait until we’re back in our apartment.”

She could see in his eyes that he was going back and forth between which on before. He looked up at the mentor box and snorted. Letting her go, he smirked and said, “We’ll finish it later. I’ll get you to change your mind.” He walked past her, knocking into her shoulder hard, with the other’s following saying hateful comments to her.

“Half the time he’s someone I hate. The other half he’s different that I start to think differently. Stupid of me.” She muttered to herself as she rubbed her wrist.

Xander glared after Neptune. He glanced at Cassia and snorted, “If he's gonna be two-faced, he should make at least one of them pretty. Too bad for him that he just doesn't have it.”

“He’s one of the more popular ones back in four. Though no one can beat Finnick. Girls just love him.” Cassia told him with a small smile as she glanced one last time at the mentor’s box.

“Well... there's no accounting for poor taste. I'll tell you… the guys who have the biggest egos have got the smallest pricks.” He laughed and moved away, saying quietly, “I'm going for a walk tonight. Same time. If you wanna join be my guest.” Then he left and didn't look back.

The rest of the day went by in a blur and to say in the least, both Cassia and Neptune, got laid into by all of them pretty bad for that scene. Cassia took it with a grain of salt and caused another fight, but this time between her and Neptune. It ended with her storming off and spending the rest of the night in her room.

Rolling over, Cassia saw the time and thought back on Xander’s offer. Hesitating, she sneaked out at the last moment and hoped that Xander was still there. She made it to the hallway and looked around when she didn’t see him. Cursing to herself, she turned to head back into the apartment.

“I wasn't going to make it _that_ easy, Princess.” A voice came from a dark corner. Xander stepped out from the shadows and smirked at her.

Cassia jumped a bit and gave him a glare. “Stop calling me princess! I have an actual name so use it.”

He grinned and clicked the button for the elevator, pondering, “Princess Cassia. Yeah that has a good ring to it, though it's rather cumbersome to say.”

“You’re an ass. I don’t even know why I came out here for.” She hissed lightly.

He shook his head and whispered on the ride down, “Because I'm irresistible.” Before she could answer, the doors opened, and Xander once again led the way to the stables. They had one close call where he had to shove her in a corner, faces inches away from each other, until the Peacekeeper passed by. But they made it to the barns.

Cassia stood in the same position that she had the last time. She eyed the horses warily before asking, “why did you tell me you were coming down here again?’

He glanced at her while petting Pearl, “Because I like you. You're not like the others. You're quite refreshing.”

Cassia stared at him in surprise and felt her face go warm. “Oh. Thank you, I guess. You’re not so bad yourself.”

He laughed and watched her, “I guess not, if you decided to come with me. Or perhaps you like these beauties better. Doesn't matter. You won't offend me in the least if you do. I wish Dad could see them now. He'd be proud of them.”

Cassia moved a bit closer, but still wary of the horses. “They are beautiful. They make me nervous. This is only my second time being so close to them.” She admitted.

He gently smiled, “They are very nice. And we trained them to be easy to handle.” He moved to another stall and whistled at the horse who was eating at the back of the stall. The bay whipped around and thrust its head out at him happily. It had a bunch of hay in its mouth and shook it all over Xander. He sighed, “Great, now I have it down my shirt. I'm going to have to take it off and shake it out. Thanks _so_ much, Kelso.”

He pulled off his shirt and turned away from Cassia, shaking it hard. She had a glimpse of his muscled abdomen before he turned his back. Looking more closely, she saw it was lined with scars.

Cassia felt her feet move without realizing it until she was behind him. Gently, she traced her fingers over the scars and asked softly, “What happened to you?”

Without turning around, he answered quietly, “My district has hardass Peacekeepers. They don't like me mouthing off to them. I've been chained to the whipping post three times now.”

Horror filled her and she asked, “Why keep doing it? There’s no point. Nothing will change. No one will be willing to stand up to Snow and his ways. No matter how much we all want too.”

Xander sighed and turned around, not bothering with his shirt. He had a hard look in his eye. “Because there is always hope, Cassia. I just get pissed off at what they do. And how slow things are moving. But they are. I don't care if they whip me to death. They can't quench the fire inside.”

Cassia shook her head. She felt the stinging of tears and she said, “There isn't any hope. Everyone just does what they have to do. No one will be willing to stand up to Snow and lose everything. It’s hopeless. We’re all going to die in two days. I made a promise I can’t hope to keep. I know it. My mom knows it. She told me so on our first night here. My sister thinks the opposite. She thinks I can do it...but I don’t see how. I’m nothing compared to her.”

Xander scowled, “Keep thinking you're nothing, and you'll prove yourself right. That's how you die fast. And you're wrong. There is hope. I hear of it. But it's a small flicker right now. I had hoped to be around when it was fanned into a burning flame. All I can hope for is whoever wins will have that hope burning inside him or her.”

Cassia smiled bitterly and pressed her hand over his heart. His skin was warm underneath her hand. “I wish I could feel the hope that you feel. But I feel nothing but fear and despair.”

Xander cocked his head at her and told Cassia, “I'll tell you what my dad said about fear. It can stand for two things. Fuck everything and run. Or face everything and rise.” He gave a wry grin, “I do the second. But I also curse them too. Hence my decorations. So there's that.”

Cassia looked up at him. She was scared, more like terrified, but in this moment she just wanted to forget about everything. She wanted to forget about Snow, her family problems, the games, and everything else. So, she did it in the only way she knew how. Or in the way that Gwen had told to do if this kind of situation ever happened. She stood up on her tip toes and kissed him.

 ***

Xander was surprised for one second, and then the next he was kissing her back. He gently put his hands on her arms and held them. Her hand that was over his heart could feel the sudden jump in heartbeat. He kissed gently then passionately. He finally pulled back and watched Cassia.

 

Cassia tried to get her breathing under control. Finally, she asked, “Why did you stop? Didn’t you enjoy it?”

 

He smiled, “I did. But it seems you've caught me with my shirt off. Do you want to see more? Or if this is too fast… we can sneak out tomorrow night?”

 

“I’m not virgin if that’s what you’re worried about. I’ve had sex before. I wouldn’t have started something if I didn’t have any plans on finishing.” She told him honestly.

 

Xander grinned and carefully pulled Cassia’s shirt off, watching her to say no. She didn't, so he said, “I'm not worried. It's been quite a while since I was a virgin. So I know perfectly well how things work. So...what do you prefer? Empty stall or feed room?”

 

“The closest one.” She answered.

 

Xander led Cassia to a stall and thoughtfully spread a horse blanket down on the floor. He kissed her again and pulled her down to the floor. But before he did anything, Xander asked in a voice thick with lust, “Do I have your permission to make love to you, Cassia?”

 

Cassia nodded, “Yes. Just make me forget everything for a little while. That’s all I ask.”

 

Xander sighed and whispered in Cassia’s ear as he rolled on top of her, “Your wish is my command, Princess.” He kissed her neck and heard her groan in pleasure. Feeling encouraged, he made love passionately, feeling her hips in time with his, while still locking lips. At last, Xander knew Cassia was done, and he panted too as he finished himself. Rolling off Cassia, he smirked, “Well, gonna rate that or going to keep your numbers to yourself?”

 

***

Cassia let her eyes shut and wondered how she was going to explain this if anyone was up still. Hoping that she hadn’t just jinxed herself, she told him, “For my first one stand? I would have to say pretty decent. You got my mind off of everything for sure.”

He played with her hair as he propped up to one elbow, “Yeah? Glad to be of service, Princess.”

Laughing softly, Cassia smiled and then sighed, “I guess this will be the last we see of each other until the games...the next two days are personal training.”

Xander sighed, “And interviews. I don't know. I'm sure we can find the time to sneak out anyway. I've been with a few girls, Cassia… but I like you. A lot. I wish we had more time.”

Cassia sat up and pulled away from him. She frowned at him and said softly, “But we don’t have more time. And that’s not true. You can’t like someone a lot after only knowing them for four days. I like you, but not in that way.”

Xander stood up and pulled his pants on. “Well, if you knew me better, you'd find out I make up my mind fast. I'll take friends though.” He flashed a sexy smile, “With benefits?”

Standing up, Cassia made sure her clothes didn’t have any hay in them before putting them back on. Once dressed, she turned to Xander and asked, “Meaning you want to do this again before we go into the arena?”

He laughed and locked eyes, “If you'll have me. Tell you what. You said I was pretty decent. Next time I'll blow your mind. And that's a promise I **can** keep.”

Cassia snorted and rolled her eyes. Teasingly, she told him, “We’ll see. I still have lot to do before going into the arena.”

Nodding, he pulled his shirt on again and mockingly bowed, “Shall I lead the way, Princess? Get you past the dragons again?”

Giving a mock laugh, she made a shooing motion to let him lead her. Unlike on the way there, they didn’t run into anyone. They got to the elevator and arrived at her floor. Pausing, she turned to look at him and gave him a small smile, “If I don’t see you before then, I’ll definitely see you in the arena. We’ll be enemies then.”

Xander propped the door with his body and raised a hand and traced Cassia’s lips with his thumb. “That may be so… or we could form our own alliance. They want a show, right? Think they'd mind if we made it x rated?” He winked at Cassia.

Her smile widened a bit before it turned sad. Grabbing his wrist, she told him while deliberately ignoring his question, “The citizens want a story. It’s what makes them root for you. Makes them love you. I already know what my story is to catch their attention. I’m hoping that it’s enough.”

He had an unreadable expression on his face. Finally Xander stepped away from her and said in a slightly flat tone, “Well, the offer is there. Take it or leave it. You still need someone on your side, and it ain't gonna be Neptune. I'll be your knight in shining armour, Princess. Same time tomorrow night if you can.” With that he stepped backwards and let the doors shut.

Cassia sighed and leaned against the wall and wondered when and how her life had gotten so complicated. She was only supposed to come here for Gwen, not get attached to anyone, do her own thing, and win. But no...She had to go and sleep with the first guy that was nice to her. Just to get away from reality. Her sister really was rubbing off on her.

Deciding to think more of this in the morning, Cassia slipped back into the apartment. She was about to sigh in relief when she did a quick and brief look around, though that quickly disappeared when she heard, “Where in the hell have you been, Cassia?”

Turning to the picture window, Cassia froze as she stared at one of the people she really didn’t want to see at this moment: Finnick.

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

_“Adapt what is useful, reject what is useless, and add what is specifically your own.”_ \- Bruce Lee

* * *

 

Cassia stared wide eyed at Finnick. She really hadn't expected anyone to be up. Least of all him. She blinked owlishly and stammered out, “Um...I...err...I went for a…walk?” Unfortunately for her, her statement came out more like a question.

Narrowing her eyes, she took a closer at him. His clothes were wrinkled and he was covered in a sheen of sweat. It was obvious to her that he had been out and had just gotten in himself. Crossing her arms, she asked him with an accusing tone, “Where have you been? It looks like you just got in yourself.”

Finnick honestly surprised her by letting out a small bitter chuckle before he put on his signature smirk. “Where do you think I've been, Cass?” At her silence, he continued but lost the smirk, “You're not stupid, Cass. You know where I go and what I do. I know you know because Gwen knows. And Gwen knows because she knows the type because she's the same way. Only difference is that she likes doing it. I do it for different reasons.”

“And what are your reasons?” Cassia asked him softly. She had lost the accusing tone. Finnick studied her before walking closer. He gave her a small chuckle and shook his head. The only thing he said was, “The same reason why Isadora did it for you and Gwen. It's also why she's being so hard on you. She got you, and Gwen, into this mess. Have you talked to her yet?”

Cassia shook her head and muttered, “No. There hasn't been a right time. I don't even know what to say to her.”

Finnick sighed but didn't say anything. Instead he looked her up and down. As he did his eyebrow raised up. “Now I have a reason. What's your reason for being...out? And don't say that you were out walking. I don't believe you.”

Cassia felt her face get warm and blessed herself for having slightly dark skin. It made it a bit harder for people to tell when they got to her. But unfortunately Finnick has also known her for four years now. Sheepishly, she tugged on her curls and pushed her glasses up. “I was out looking at the horses.” she said quietly.

Finnick studied her again and this time when he spoke there was a hint of anger to it. “You were out with the tribute from District 10. More than out actually. You had sex the guy. The evidence is all over you. Why would you do something like that?”

Cassia frowned at his bluntness and got defensive. “It was only this once. Besides it got my mind off everything. I need that.”

Finnick got a hard glint in his eyes and he grabbed her arm. His mouth was in a straight line and the anger was evident this time. “You’re being stupid, Cassia. I told you not to talk to anyone so that you wouldn't get attached!”

Cassia stared at him offended and snapped back, “I'm not like you or Gwen! Even mom! I cannot form attachments. I haven't started doing that now nor will I ever start!”

Anger flashed across his face and he snapped, “I'm trying to stop you from getting hurt! I've been in this **_exact_** situation. I was younger than you. You go into that arena being attached to someone and make it back out...they're the ones that haunt you the most. The others will too, but the ones you call allies...they're the worst.”

The anger drained away from Cassia and left her feeling helpless. She didn’t want to be here, but she was, and she was hating every minute of it. Tears welled up and she whispered desperately, “You don’t think I don’t know that? I do...very well. Just like I know that I made Gwen an empty promise because I wanted to make her feel better. I also know that I’m not going to get any sponsors or get a good score. My mom is a total mess and we’re fighting. Everything has been happening so fast. I’m finding things out about things that I would have been happy to never know! I miss Gwen...I miss have her be there when I need her. I need her now and she’s not here. She was the one constant thing that I could count on not to change. Xander is like her. He’s not going to change. He’s going to be constant in everything he says and does. I...need that, Finnick. It is the only thing that is keeping me from falling apart into a million pieces.”

Cassia could feel the tears falling freely and sobs escape her. She stood there crying for a few seconds before she felt Finnick’s hand let go of her. Then arms were engulfing her and she was pressed against him and just cried. He let her cry until she was done and then pushed her back lightly. He kept one hand on her arm and used his other hand to wipe away her tears. “I can’t imagine what it must be like for you and Gwen. You’re close to each other. But that is how you’ll get sponsors by yourself. You care for her, more than you do for yourself. Enough that you volunteered for her. You will keep your promise to her. I have seen you practice with some of the weapons back home with her. You have surprisingly good aim with the throwing knives and some incredible moves that Gwen has taught. You’ll get a good score if you do what I’ve seen. Then you have the interview to win them over. That is where you will shine. You’ll be able to sweet talk them by just being yourself. Just be honest will your answers and I know they’ll love you for it.”

Cassia let out a hiccup and nodded. She wiped at her eyes and hugged him. “Thank you. I need this to get everything out.”

Finnick chuckled and pulled back. He gave her a small grin and said, “Good night, Cass. You have a big day tomorrow.”

“Night.” she said softly. She walked to her room and shut the door. She didn’t even bother changing out of her clothes. She walked over to the bed, flopped down on it, and went into a restless sleep.

* * *

 

The next morning came faster than Cassia wanted it too and before she knew it, she was sitting beside Neptune waiting anxiously for her name to come up for them to show off their scores. Her foot tapped on the ground as she played with her bracelet. She could feel eyes on her and looked up into Neptune’s curious eyes. “What?” She snapped.

An amused grin came to his face and he leaned back relaxed, “Nothing. Just thinking that if it were Gwen here...she would be the perfect picture of calmness and confidence.”

Rolling her eyes at him, she replied sarcastically, “I’m sorry I’m not my sister. I’ll just tap louder to annoy you. That’ll make me feel better.”

Much to her surprise, Neptune laughed and sat up straight. He snorted, “No, you’re definitely not Gwen. I have to admit, no matter how much I hate to, she’s even better than me at fighting. And I have to give you some credit too.”

Cocking her head at him, Cassia asked curiously, “Credit for what? Being annoying? A brat? Something else?”

Neptune still had that amused grin on his face as he shook his head. Lazily, he said, “I had a younger sister. I know what it was like to be annoyed and have her act bratty. You’re not doing either of those things.” He paused and studied her for a moment before continuing, “I have to give you credit because I’ve heard from some trainers back home that Gwen was working with you on your fighting and weapons. Plus, you have your mom’s blood running through you. I bet when you find yourself in a tough situation out in the arena...you’ll prove to everyone that you are as much as Isadora’s daughter as Gwen.”

Cassia stared at him with mixed feelings. She was wary of him from everything that Gwen had told her and he had acted like she was told he would. But...he had also been kind to her when she needed it and seemed to help her. She let out a small breath through closed lips. Why did all guys have to be confusing?

“ _Cassia Brownell._ ”

Cassia looked up and realized that it was now her turn to go into the score room. Her nerves came back worse and she let out a small groan. Panicked thoughts were a constant in her mind. Her stomach turned and her palms were sweaty. She made her way into the room and waited for the game maker's to acknowledge her.

“Cassia Brownell, District Four.”

Cassia took a deep breath when one of the game maker’s nodded at her to start. Standing up straight, she strode with make-believe purpose to the dummy. Pretending that it was an attacker, she used some of the moves that Gwen had taught her, plus the basic self-defense skills. She glanced up at them and saw some of them murmuring to themselves. She showed them the different knots she could tie and some of the stuff she had learned at the stations. Finally it came down to her show of weapons.

Cassia took another calm breath when she felt every single pair of eyes on her as she walked to the weapons rack. Picking the throwing knives off of it, Cassia walked back to where she had been and waited for the screen to show her where to aim. She took another deep breath and threw them at the intending targets. She managed to get most of them head on, though there was about three that had missed slightly and landed near the outer rings. Once she was finished, she took a few steps back and waited for them to dismiss her. Getting a sharp nod, Cassia was out of the room faster and back into the waiting room. Walking past Neptune, she gave him a nod and muttered, “Good luck.” to which he just snorted at and walked into the room when his name was called. 

* * *

 

Cassia shifted in her seat between her mom and  Mags. Mags was patting her hand and her mom was clutching the other one tightly. The room was loud from Neptune’s boasting, to Paprika’s constant chattering, and having both prep teams and stylists with them.

“They’re starting the scores! Let’s see how my little escorts did this year.” Paprika exclaimed excitedly.

Cassia spun her gaze up to the  tv. Ceasar Flickerman was on the tv with his purple hair and eyebrows as he started naming the scores out. District one tributes got 9 and 10 respectively, District 2 got both 10’s, and District 3 got a 7 and 6, and finally it was time for hers and Neptune’s.

Cassia waited while holding her breath as her name appeared. She tightened her grips on Mags and her mom and felt them squeeze back.

“Cassia Brownell - 8”

The breath she had been holding released and she breathed out a laugh. Her prep team let out cheers and squeals of happiness. And lots of words of joy. Mags leaned over and gave her a big kiss on the cheek. Glancing over at her mom, Cassia saw relief in her mother’s eyes along with something else. She got a hand squeeze and a small smile. Neptune’s name was next and he of course got a 10.

There was a lot of celebrating to do that night and everyone went to bed happy. Cassia couldn’t sleep from the relief that was flooding through her still. It meant that she had a chance in there. A chance of surviving and getting home to Gwen and her niece or nephew. Looking at the clock, Cassia realized with a start that this would be around the time she normally met Xander at. After how last night had ended, she wasn’t too sure if he would want to see her again. But she was too happy and relieved that she wanted to share it with him.

She hesitated for a brief moment before she was up and sneaking out the door. Shutting it quietly behind her, she inched her way out and said softly, “Xander? Are you here?”

“Yup, Princess.” Xander emerged out of a different dark corner and cocked his head at her.

Quietly, she made her way over to him and grinned up at him, “I got a decent score. I’m happy with it. Now all I have to do is nail the interview tomorrow.”

He smiled back, and gestured at the elevator. They did their route again, smoothly this time, and when they reached the safe haven of the stables, he sighed. Turning to Cassia, he told her, “I heard about your 8. Congrats on that. Not too surprised that big oaf got a 10 though. But I'm sure you deserved yours.”

Cassia hummed in delight and turned to stare at him. “What was your score? Our district escort wanted to celebrate both us doing so well. I never saw the rest.”

Xander blew a breath of anger. His knuckles tightened then he relaxed them. In a tight voice he said, “I gave them a good show. But some knew about my troublemaking past. I got a 5.”

Cassia blinked up at him. Her nose scrunched up and she said carefully, “Well...you haven’t really been on good behaviour while here either. But scores don’t really matter. You just have to be smarter than the rest of them. Strength just helps.”

He looked at her, then broke into a grin. “Yeah, it's true. You know what I usually do? I smile at the SOB’s who try to bring me down, laugh at the haters who are jealous, and point the middle finger at the asses who think they're better.”

“Of course you do.” Cassia muttered under her breath. She looked up when the horses moved and she stared at them. Then the stupidest question came out of her mouth, “Can I pet the horses?”

Xander looked at her in surprise, then laughed, “Of course you can. Try Pearl. She likes pets anywhere. Some don't like their noses touched, and only their necks. But Pearl is a big baby. She loves any kind of attention.”

Cassia glanced at Pearl and then back at Xander. Slowly she made her way over to Pearl and stood like a fool in front of her. Deciding that she might as well just keep asking the stupid questions, she asked, “Now what do I do?”

A chuckle from behind her. Then Xander’s calm voice, “She's not going to bite. Let her sniff your hand. Then just stroke her. She likes her nose and her star rubbed.”

Cassia could feel her heart beat faster as she held out her hand to the horse. She let out a squeak, jerked her hand back, and tried to walk backwards. “Ahhh….Nevermind...I’m good.”

Xander laughed loudly. “Aw, Princess. I didn't take you for a chicken.” He walked up to Pearl, who happily whickered at him and poked him. “Well, yes my girl, I did bring a treat.” He held an apple for her and the mare snatched it greedily.” Raising an eyebrow at Cassia he said, “Too bad you're scared of an innocent horse.’

Cassia knew he was goading her. It was something Gwen did all the time and yet, she fell for it every time. This time being no different. Narrowing her eyes at him, she let out a huff, and walked up to Pearl. Holding out her hand, she let the horse sniff her.

Xander grinned, “There, that's it. Doesn't her nose feel like velvet? I'm glad they are taking good care of my friends. She looks so fit.” He gave Pearl a loving pat before sighing again.

Cassia walked away from Pearl and closer to Xander. Softly, she asked, “Do you miss your district?”

He thought about that. Finally he leaned on the stall wall and slid to the floor. “I guess. I mean, I miss Dad and the horses. I don't miss the authorities. I always wanted to be free. Even though I could come and go as I pleased, I still felt caged. And here is even worse. And I … can no more escape than dog on a leash.”

Cassia slid down beside him. She brought her knees up to her and rested her chin on them. Playing with a curl, she told him, “I miss District 4. I miss listening to the waves and watching the sunrise over the water. It was a beautiful sight. I miss the smell of salt air and fresh fish. I miss feeling the sand underneath my feet. I miss the people. But most of all….I miss Gwen. I never wanted this. She was the one who always wanted.”

Xander shook his head, “I never wanted any of this either. Oh, they might tell you it's to punish all of us. But does it really make sense? It doesn't, Cassia.” He glanced at her, very softly saying, “I can't tell you much, because I don't know much either. But there are whispers. Something will happen. We will get our chance.”

Cassia let out a bitter laugh, “We’ll probably be dead by then. Besides, they just seem like rumors. I won’t believe in them until I have proof. At least your name got called. I volunteered of my own will.”

Xander shot her a look, “Yes, my name was called. But I wonder about that. I was my district’s rebel. I got whipped three times. It was my last year to get pulled. What are the chances of that?”

“About the same as my sister’s name getting called. It was our last year too. Too bad being a Victor’s daughter doesn’t give you any benefits over having your name called.”

Tilting his head, Xander pondered. He thoughtfully brushed his hand on Cassia’s arm. Agreeing, he replied, “No, it doesn't.” Sighing, he continued, “Well then. I just have to learn to sit tight until I hear more. But then you're right. I'll be dead anyway. But I've passed along messages to those at home who ran with me. Hard to do the same here. Too many eyes. And they know me too well. During the day that is. You know I've been here every single night? And they still haven't figured it out?” He gave his bad boy grin at that last part.

Cassia sighed, “From what my mom and Finnick have told me...plus overhearing things at home when I’m not supposed to...Snow has eyes and ears everywhere. He probably knows. I got told to behave the first day I got here. I figure he’s going to make my life a living hell in that arena because of who my mother is.”

Xander gave a short harsh bark of laughter, “And mine too. Say, since they have it in for both of us...we really should stick it in their faces and form an alliance after all. They won't expect that.”

Cassia’s voice was tight, “I told you last night I have a plan already.”

He ran his hand through his strawberry blonde hair, then said, “You want their pity, don't you? And if that plan falls flat?”

“Then I’ll deal. I’ll figure out another way. Why does this alliance mean so much to you?” Cassia asked him.

Xander shrugged, “I guess I've been alone so much. I don't particularly care for that at this time. It doesn't seem right. But I get it if you don't want to be associated  with  a character like me.” He glanced at her, his blue eyes piercing. 

Cassia locked gazes with him. “I don’t know what I want. I just know that I need to get home back my sister. That’s the only that is making me fight so hard to win. I can’t let her or mom feel the loss of my death. I just can't.” She whispered with unknown tears silently falling down her cheeks.

Xander reacted without thinking. He brushed her tears away, then leaned in and gave Cassia a gentle kiss, twining his fingers in her hair for a moment. Then he pulled back suddenly, “I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I just had to.”

Cassia didn’t respond other than to kiss him a bit harder than he had her. She pushed herself up against him as she felt everything start to disappear. This is what she wanted. To forget again. Maybe it was unlike her and a bit selfish but she didn’t care at this moment.

Xander moaned against her, but then pushed her away to look in her eyes. He had a small smile, “Are you asking what I think you're asking? If so… I want to know. Do you have feelings for me, or am I just a toy for you?”

Cassia hesitate before answering honestly, “You are a distraction from everything. Everything is moving so faster and I can’t deal with it….but you have become a constant thing that I seemed to have needed.”

He considered this information, and grinned, “That's your way of trying to say to _yourself_ that this is nothing, when in reality, and in a perfect world, there **are** feelings there. But this isn't the time to ponder deep stuff. Just letting you know that **I** know.”

“I don’t have any feelings for you. If you must know...you remind me of sister. Just in a friend way.” Cassia huffed at him.

Xander smirked as he stood up and pulled Cassia up, “Oh, really? And you have sex with her? Right. Of course. Just friends. Gotcha.”

Cassia let out growl and pulled him into her. Her back hit the wall and she shifted against him while kissing him hard again.

He leaned into her kiss, running his hands on her body. He pulled out of it, saying, “Wait, we'll use that stall again. Just let me put the blanket down.” Quickly, the task was completed and Xander was soon on top of Cassia. But he whispered in her ear, “You want a toy? I give you a toy. You'll be begging me before I'm done with you. Because, Princess, at home I was a player. I know how to do this just right.”

“Just give me a distraction for as long as you can and I’ll be happy.” Cassia told him in return.

He raised an eyebrow and thoughtfully told Cassia, “I promised to be mind blowing last night. Best way to do this is tease and denial.  Have you ever tried that?”

“Tease and denial? Should I be worried?” She asked him warily.

He laughed, and had a glint in his eye. Explaining, he said, “Nope. You think you're tough? This will prove it. Here's how it works. I'm going to make love to you, maybe I'll pleasure you, but as soon as you get close, I'm stopping until you calm down again. A little bit of that, you might curse me to the skies...but when I allow it, it'll be over the top. I promise. You game?”

Cassia hesitated before nodding slowly at him. Xander gave a wolfish grin and kissed her slowly from her lips to her chest as she lay under him. Then he drove into her, moving his hands and hips suggestively. As soon as he heard her gasp a little, Xander stopped everything immediately. “How you doing there, Princess?”

Cassia gripped the blanket in her hands as she arched against him lightly. “More. I...dam nit...need...more.” She panted lightly.

“Oh no you don't. Not getting it that easy.” Xander firmly told her. He waited until he was sure he could begin again. Then he happily made love once more. He pushed her to the edge again, and once again pulled back. She groaned but said nothing. Finally, Xander started again. He did it so well that Cassia was at that edge but not quite when Xander came. But it wasn't enough for Cassia’s turn. Xander panted and then laughed softly, “Not quite yet. A little more, Princess.”

Cassia trembled underneath him. She could feel the scratchy blanket underneath her, his warm breath on her neck, his hands on her giving her pleasure, his mouth giving her chills as he kissed along her neck that were driving her crazy with lust, and she could still feel him in general. She couldn’t take it anymore. She needed this release from this torture.

Untangling her hand from the blanket, Cassia dug her nails into his back, as she begged him, “Please? Oh please...give me release...I can’t...oh….I can’t...no...more.”

Xander growled and said, “You'll get it _when_ I  say so, and not before.” He perversely did nothing as he recovered himself. Now he began the process over again, enjoying the feeling of Cassia bucking against him. Closer, ever closer, then foiled her again. She let out curses mixed with begging, music to his ears.

Xander studied the sweating girl under him. He could do this for a very long time if he wanted to. But he didn't want to exhaust her totally. So they began the slow torturous climb again. Xander did know what he was doing, and timed it just right so he could finish at the same time she did. And at long last, he allowed her release and let her explode, riding her wave with his own.

Cassia bit into his shoulder to keep her screams muffled. It felt like she was riding out a storm in a rock boating until the storm died down. Her nails raked his back and she bucked against him until she had nothing left in her and the storm inside her had passed. She collapsed against the ground, covered in sweat, and shut her eyes trying to get her breathing under control. She felt him collapse on top of her, and she let her fingers run through his hair, she asked, “Are..you..okay?”

Giving a deep laugh, Xander replied, “I think... I should be... asking... **you**... that question. But...fuck...that was... **awesome.** ”

Cassia let out a soft moan, but said softly, “I’m great. More than..great. That...was...wow. I never...experienced sex...like that before.” She gave a soft laugh, “You did an...excellent job..of keeping me...distracted.”

Smirking at her, Xander teased, “As if you _could_ think of anything else! But yeah. It's not so much fun for the person but totally worth it. I did warn you that I was...experienced… with this kind of thing. Which was unfortunate for my father.” Giving a wink, then a slight grunt as he pulled out of her and dropped beside her on the blanket.

“If you’re as experienced as you say you are...then I’m very surprised you haven’t gotten a girl knocked up. That’s probably the thing your father worries about most.” Cassia paused and said very softly, so that Xander had a hard time hearing her, “I know mom was worried about that with Gwen.”

Xander shrugged and admitted, “Well, no one knows this. But I did...twice that I know of. But one lost the baby early. The other… I  don't know what she did with it. Suffice to say she doesn't have a kid with her and avoids me like the plague. Even dad has no idea. Probably just hopes I'm impotent!”

Cassia studied him before pushing herself up onto her elbows. Rolling over to her side and facing him, she asked softly, “Does it bother you? That your father thinks that? That the girls...lost...your unborn child?”

He sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. Looking at her, he breathed slowly before saying honestly, “I don't care what Dad thinks. It's easier and I get fewer lectures. As for the girls… I don't know. A blessing and a curse, really. It would have made things… awkward… if they lived. At the same time I do wonder sometimes.” Dropping the serious expression to cover with a laugh, “Ah well. I'm too much of a bad boy to settle anyway. As if they could make me!”

Cassia brushed her fingers across his cheek and told him, “Don’t do that. Don’t put this act on in front of me. I have a rough idea on what you might be feeling. I can help if you want to talk about it.”

Xander studied Cassia before casually replying, “It's cool. Won't matter in a few days anyway. I know that if the one who lost the baby first had actually had it...her dad would have killed me with his bare hands. And it wasn't as if I was going to stop what I do. So there's that. If I happen to have any more, I won't be around for them anyway.”

Cassia swallowed at his words. Tears welled up as Gwen and her unborn child sprung to mind. Her heart ached at the thought of never getting to meet him or her. She felt the tears fall and quickly laid back down again, so Xander wouldn’t see them. As much as she tried, she couldn’t stop the thickness in her voice, as she said, “Well...you did good on your promise. We should...probably go now.”

Xander agreed and grinned, “I need a shower after all that exercise. Pretty sure you do as well. But I guess we'll have to wait till morning or our people will be rather suspicious. Unless… you want something else? As in short and fast?”

Cassia hesitated before pulling a Gwen move and taking control. She rolled over until she was on top of him. Pressing a finger to his lips, she told him, “One more quick distraction before we head back. Remember this means nothing.”

Smirking, he told her, “Your wish is my command, Princess.”

When they were done, Xander again folded the blanket and led Cassia back. They had to duck once into a dark corner as someone came with a flashlight. But the person quickly moved on. Once on Cassia’s floor again, Xander nodded and grinned, “I can't wait to see what you wear tomorrow, Princess.”

Cassia rolled her eyes and told him, “Next time I see you after tonight is in the arena. I have...things to clear up before I go in and tomorrow will be the time to do it. It’s time to say goodbye, Xander.”

Xander looked at her and suddenly grabbed her arms, whispering, “Then permit me one last kiss. For luck.” Not waiting for an answer, he kissed her deeply and passionately. He felt her arms go around him, and pushed her up against the wall, lips still locked. They bumped against the small table in the hallway, knocking the plant on it off, but neither noticed. They were too wrapped up in their kiss.

“Cassia!”

Cassia immediately shoved  Xander away from her. Her face paled and she looked up at the voice. “Mom! Hi! What are you doing out here?”

Her mother’s eyes narrowed and Cassia winced as she realized that she had on her _“Career”_ face. Her eyes moved from her to the guy and then back to her daughter. “Get inside now.” Cassia hurriedly followed her mother’s instructions. She heard her mom’s voice saying something, followed by the door shutting and found herself with a very stressed and pissed mother.

 

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder: I should also mention there is mention of mature themes near the end of chapter. And will be in future chapters. Thanks for reading and enjoy this chapter!

_“Never underestimate the pain of a person, because in all honesty, everyone is struggling. Some people are just better at hiding it than others.”_

― Will Smith

* * *

 

Isadora sighed as she placed her head in her hands as she leaned against the closed door. Everything was moving by too fast. The training week had gone by faster than it had for her own games. Tomorrow her daughter was going to go into the arena. She was scared...very scared that she was going to lose another child. Cassia had done okay by Capitol standards. She had gotten a slightly above average score, and she wasn’t really worried about the interviews tomorrow, or should she say today, because she knew that whatever her oldest daughter would say they would lap it up and eat it out of her palm. There was just something about Cassia that made you feel calm and take to her. Just like her father.

Shaking those thoughts away, Isadora put on what her two remaining two children called her “Career face” and went up to Cassia to find out what exactly was running through her head.Cassia felt ashamed as her mom looked at her. Silence ensued without either one saying anything. Finally Cassia broke it first. “I...don't know what to tell you.”

“How about the truth? I find that's always a good start.”

Looking down at the ground, Cassia felt like she was six years old again and having gotten caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Stumbling to find words, she said, “It started...we have...I'm sorry.” Sighing, she looked up at her mother and explained quietly, “I'm sorry, mom. I really am. I tried to stay from Xander after I found him on our first night here. But he kept coming up to me and I don't know….things just happened.”

Isadora blew out a sharp breath and studied her daughter hard. Equally quiet, she said bluntly, “By the display I came across in the hallway...I'm guessing you've had sex with him.”

Cassia winced and felt her face heat up. That seemed to be enough for her mom because she snapped. “How long have you been sleeping with him?”

Cassia let out a small squeak and said quickly, “Just two nights. He had the codes to get outside. We have...err...umm...been doing it in the...barn.”

Cassia watched as her mom's face went red from anger. Her eyes had narrowed and she said in a dead calm voice, “What have you been thinking?! I thought I raised you better than this...but I guess I was wrong.”

Cassia felt her own face flush with anger. She stood up straighter and said calmly, “You have raised me right! You want to know what I have been thinking...I've been thinking that I'm going to **die**! So I’ve been acting like I am because I don't want to regret anything else other than leaving you and Gwen.” By the end of it Cassia's voice had risen and she could feel the stinging of tears

“ **YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DIE!”** Isadora shouted. Reaching out, she grabbed Cassia's shoulders and dug her nails into her. Giving her a light shake, Isadora continued with her voice growing more desperate. “You're not! You hear me, Cassia? You **aren't** going to die! I won't let that happen. Not to you. Not another child of mine is dying because of my mistakes! I'll do anything to make sure you get out of that arena...anything!”

Cassia felt her mom's hands loosen their grip on her shoulders. She watched with growing apprehension that quickly turned to despair and horror at seeing her mother crumple to the ground and cry. She was clueless on what to do for her. Her mom was strong and unbreakable. She was the one that took care of her and Gwen when they were upset and breaking down. She helped Gwen with her breakdown of finding out about her pregnancy. It was abnormal to her to see her like this. To see her...not weak...but more human than Cassia was used to seeing.

No that was right. Hadn’t she heard her mom crying years ago? Yes, she had. During the thunderstorm that had scared her. Even then her mom had put aside her own pain and tears to comfort her. Nodding to herself, Cassia decided that it was time to return that favour. Kneeling down in front of her mom, she inched her way forward and curled into her mom. Cassia felt her own tears fall silently as she wrapped her arms around her and held her.

Cassia felt her mom lurch forward into her causing her to shift slightly as she ran a hand through her mom’s hair. Her tears mixed with her mom’s as they landed on her. Watching her mom, she thought to herself with anger and despair, _It’s not fair...what Snow is doing to the Victors...it’s not fair! It’s sick and horrible...but there isn’t anything I can do to stop him. I don’t have the fire or the determination to do anything. But maybe...there has to be something I can do for mom!_

“Mom? Mommy?” She paused slightly before continuing, “Mom...I promise I’ll do my best to get out of there. I won’t give up again...I’ll come home. Because I have something else to fight for even harder now. You. Gwen. But you more than else. You’re not going to lose another daughter. I won’t let you.”

Isadora pulled herself up when she was under control and Cassia got a good look at her mom. Her heart broke in half at the sight of how...broken she was. Cupping her daughter’s face, Isadora pressed her forehead against hers and held her daughter tight. Whispering lowly with a voice thick with emotion, “I know you fight for us, baby. It’s what makes you strong in a different way than Gwen and I. You have the strength of your father. I am **proud** of how you turned out. You and Gwen...are my sun and moon respectively. You both gave me a reason to live again. A reason to fight...to rebel against _him_. A reason to make a better world for you both.”

Cassia cried openly at this and this time Isadora comforted her. Her mom held her like she had when she was a child. Cassia listened to her mother’s comforting voice as she continued talking to her, “I’m sorry for everything I said to you on your first night here. I was wrong...especially about you being like Celestie. Because you aren’t. You may act like her, or how I think she would act like if she were still alive, but you aren’t her. You are your own person with her own personality, dreams, and goals. And I love you for being you.”

Isadora sighed and tightened her grip. Her voice was laced with pain, “Celestie didn’t have a chance to grow into any of those. She was killed too young, along with my boyfriend, right after I won. Shot dead in front of me. I couldn’t do anything to stop Snow from doing it.”

Cassia felt her breath hitch and she shifted to look up at her mom. She asked hesitantly and quietly, “Why did Snow do that?”

Isadora blew out a hard breath and told her as quietly, “Because I told him off and refused his offer after my game. I told him where he and his games could go. I paid for it dearly. After that I had nothing until I met your father on my victory tour. I actually met him here in the Capitol. We had one night together and I got pregnant with you two.”

Cassia stared at her mom and gave her a small smile. Leaning against her, she told her, “I’m glad you met him and had us. I’m glad we gave you a reason to live...to love again. Is that why you were so mad at me out in the hallway?”

Isadora sighed and pulled away from her daughter reluctantly. Brushing a curly hair back, Isadora cupped her face and told her honestly, “I was mad because you’re making things harder on yourself baby. You’ll be going through enough pain without this...thing between you going on between you two. You’re just going to make yourself suffer more in the long run. I don’t want to have to watch that if I can help it. Seeing you or Gwen hurt....it hurts me just as much.”

Cassia looked ashamed and whispered guilty, “It’s too late for that. I’m already attached.”

Isadora gave her a tight smile and pulled her back up to her. Letting her chin rest on top of her head, she continued to run her fingers through her curly hair and rub her back. “I know you are baby. I know. But we’ll deal with it together when we get to that point. I’m here for you.”

Cassia relished in her mother’s unspoken promise and curled into her. She was emotionally drained and didn’t want to talk or think about anything else depressing. Instead, she spent the rest of the night with her mom and took comfort from the fact that her mom seemed to understand everything she was going through here. Neither of them got any sleep that night.

 

* * *

 

Cassia smiled sheepishly at Kouza at his look of disapproval. He wasn’t too happy with the fact that she hadn’t been getting lots of sleep at night. Even more that she hadn’t slept at all last night.

Cassia watched him as he walked around her closely, eyeing her up and down, until he came to a stop in front of her. He studied her face before letting out a sigh is disdain and waved his hand, “Hmph...I can work with this. They will never know that you looked...hideous beforehand.” His eyes glinted with proudness, “You will have them eating out of your hands.” With that he walked backwards and let her prep team do all the work. Afterwards, Kouza stepped forward and handed a dress to Honey-Lemon to which they put on her.

Cassia looked at herself in the mirror. “You did it again, Kouza. I look beautiful but simple.” She turned back to the mirror and smiled happily. Her hair was falling down naturally in gently curls with the top of her hair pulled back into a fancy bun. Her glasses were gone and replaced with eye contacts that Cassia knew she would always wear after this. Her eyes were layered with a dark blue/green eyeshadow that sparkled and her lips only had a simple natural gloss on them. She had her bracelet of seashells on her wrist and she was wearing black high heels that made her a bit taller than normal but you couldn’t really see them because the dress covered them. The dress...it was more beautiful than the first one she wore. It was a sky blue colour with a dark colour of blue on her hips making her think of the sea. The bottom was covered in layers of white, blue, pale brown, and some light purple. The top had swirls of gems in gold, white, blue, and a tinge of purple that formed a picture of the sea current swirling around the sand and fish.

Kouza smirked with pride but didn’t say anything to her. Cassia was about to ask him what was wrong when she heard a soft, “You look beautiful.”

Turning around, Cassia smiled as Mags made her way to her. Closing the distance between them, Cassia grabbed Mag’s hands and held them softly. Giving her a small smile, she said softly, “Thank you. Kouza knows what he’s doing.”

Mags smiled and slipped something into Cassia’s hands. Curiously, Cassia turned her hand around and opened them. When she opened them a familiar turtle necklace fell through her fingers and dangled from them. Mags smiled and cupped her face gently, “She is always with you. Remember who you fight for.” Before Cassia could say anything, Mags gave her a kiss on the cheek and walked out. Cassia stared at Gwen’s necklace in awe. This necklace meant as much to Gwen as her bracelet meant to her. They never parted with either of them. Turning to Kouza, who was watching her with an unreadable look, she asked him softly, “Can you help this on?”

Kouza gave her a long look before walking over to her and placing the necklace on her. “Are you ready to go and make the Capitol yours?” Curling her fingers around it, she took comfort in it. She now had her sister with her as well as her mom. Giving Kouza a determined smile, Cassia told him, “I am. I’ll make them fall for me.”

 

* * *

 

The journey to the studio wasn’t very long, but it felt longer to Cassia because of her growing anxiety. She was amazed at all of the people going in to see the interviews, getting into their respective places, keeping the citizens and reporters away. It was awesome and terrifying at the same time. Cassia watched as Neptune walked over to the rest of the Careers and started muttering to themselves and glancing at her now and them. Their alliance was a strong one for sure. She would have to make sure to stay out of their way in the arena. Cassia pushed those thoughts away and focused on the here and now. Her fingers wrapped around the turtle necklace and she calmed down a bit.

“Well, look at that. You clean up nice, Princess.” A deep voice sounded next to her, with a hint of snarkiness in it.

Turning to face Xander, Cassia looked him up and down and snorted softly, “I wish I could say the same about you.”

Xander looked at his suit that was a deep brown in colour, with a stripe of blue that set off his eyes. He had a white shirt on that just peeked over the buttoned up jacket. He only laughed and said, “Oh yes, I’m sure you’d much rather have me with nothing at all. I’d make an impression alright.”

Cassia hit him on the arm and hissed out, “Don’t say stuff like that in here! My mom and Finnick were both pissed when they found out about I was doing with you.”

He only shrugged and glanced over at them before sliding his gaze back to Cassia. “I’m well used to angry parents and brothers. They don’t bother me none. I’m just glad I get on that stage under my own steam. Nevermind that is a story for another time.” He looked at a Peacekeeper watching him and snorted. “I’m under oath to keep my attitude and language at an appropriate level. I have no idea how I’m going to swing that. But I suppose I must.”  

Cassia was about answer when the stage got dark and she went to go back to her spot. Before she did, she gave him a small smile and said softly, “Good luck out there. You’ll find out why I won’t do an alliance with you soon.”

His answer came through the darkness and she could hear the smile in his voice, “Knock ‘em dead, Princess.” Then he slipped away to his place.

Cassia hurried back to her place and stood in front of Neptune. Her fingers played with the necklace as she took a deep breath as each name was called until she heard her own. She hesitated briefly, when panic stopped her from moving, before stumbling out onto the stage.

Smiling sheepishly as she nearly tripped while walking the down the steps, Cassia gladly took Caesar’s hand when he met her halfway. He kissed her cheek and helped her down the rest of the way to sit down.

“Cassia, I have to admit you look as stunning as your mother did.”

Cassia felt her face grow warm and she spoke modestly, “Thank you, but I’m not as naturally beautiful as my mom is.  I owe this,” She waved a hand down herself, “To my prep team and stylist. They are the most amazing people I have met here in the Capitol.”

Looking out at the audience, Caesar exclaimed, “Isn’t she so modest?” There was sounds of agreements. He let them die down before turning serious, “Now let’s talk about your reaping. Or I should say your sister’s reaping. We have been keeping a close tab on you my dear, and I must admit, that we are all curious on why you would volunteer for your own very sister.”

Cassia took a deep breath and fingered the necklace. Reaching up, she unclasped it and held it out for everyone to see. “This necklace is Gwen’s. She never takes it off or lets anyone touch it...even me. She gave it to as a token to the promise I made her.”

Cassia felt tears well up and she patted at her eyes, while she continued, “I promised her that I would make it back home because she needs me to.”

Cassia was surprised by the actual concern he was showing while he asked, “Is she going to be okay with you and your mother here?”

Cassia felt the tears fall down her face as she admitted, “I hope she is. The reason why I volunteered in her place is because I would have been an awful sister to let her come here while she’s pregnant.”

There was gasps coming from the crowd along with sobs. Caesar reached over and patted her hand in his, while saying sympathetically, “What a sad situation for you both to be. Your sister and mother are glad to have you in their lives.” Pulling her up with him, he turned to the crowd and said, “Let’s help our beautiful Cassia here keep her promise to her sister and get her back home.”

Cassia smiled gently at them as a huge cheer echoed around her. Once she was backstage, she made her way to her mother, who grabbed her arm and led her away and out of the building. Cassia realized dimly that her mom was leading her back to the apartment. Once in there, she burst out crying and apologized, “I’m sorry mom. I had no choice but to them. I’m sorry.”

She was enveloped in her mom’s arms and rocked back and forth on her bed. She could hear her mom say comforting words as she cried herself to a rocky sleep.

* * *

 

When Cassia woke up, everything was dark and she couldn’t hear anyone talk outside. Pushing herself up, she felt gratitude that her mom had changed her out of the dress into comfortable clothes. She glanced at the clock and saw that it was later than she normally met up with Xander.  She had told him that she wasn’t going to be there tonight but she had an itching to get away from this. If she stayed in this room then she would think of what tomorrow was and other things that she didn’t want to think about. That made up her mind pretty quick and she was up and out the front door before she could think it through otherwise.

Cassia checked the hallway for Xander but couldn’t find him. Hoping that he wasn’t actually outside yet, since she didn’t know the codes, she hurried down. Making sure she was careful, she let out a sigh of relief when she saw him in the middle of punching in the code. Making her way over to him quietly, she whispered, “Is it okay if I still go with you?”

Xander didn’t turn around as he whispered back, “I heard you coming. You need to work on that. But let’s go.” He jerked the door open and they were silent as they made their way to the stables once more. Now he looked at Cassia, and cocked his head. “So...we both got the crowd’s interest. In different ways. You got sympathy. I got lust. Works for me.”

Cassia nodded. She smiled up at him and said softly, “It’s our last night by ourselves. One last distraction?”

He growled softly in interest but asked, “What about dear mother? She looked ready to kill me.”

“She was trying to keep me from hurting myself any more than I have to.” Cassia explained.

Xander scoffed and in a _who cares_ voice said, “And does it matter now at this point? You said I'm just fun and games. Or does this run deeper than you're letting on?”

Anger flashed in her eyes and Cassia stormed up to him. Glaring up at him, she told him smugly, “You **are** just fun and games. A distraction. Meaningless sex. Something that gives me relief from all this stress.” Her expression softened and she lost the smug tone, “But I do care for you as a friend. One I know who is probably going to die and I’m setting myself up to be hurt badly. All because I’ve grown to care for you. That’s why she was so mad...she doesn’t want me to feel this pain that’s coming.”

He sucked in a breath and looked away. Absently, he stroked a horse's nose. He had to snap out of when the horse got impatient and shoved him. Chucking, Xander scolded lightly, “Okay! Stop that or I'm walking away!” He gave firmer strokes as he answered Cassia, “I get that. That's all I ever had at home, with the sex part. Drove my grandmother nuts. But it doesn't matter. Do you still want it? Promise it won't be like last night. It'll be proper.” Xander grinned at that last bit.

Cassia studied him for signs of him hiding away his true feelings on her response. Not finding one, she answered his question by reaching behind her and tying her dress. Letting it fall to the ground, pooled around her feet, she asked, “Does this answer your question?”

Xander let his eyes roam over her body, then shrugged off his shirt and hanging it on a bridle hook. Then he slowly did the same with his pants and showed Cassia how ready he was. Only one question, “My scars do not bother you? Or make you uncomfortable?”

Walking over to him, Cassia went to his back and traced his scars. Not answering, she kissed every single one lightly, making her way around to face him again. An inch away from him, she said softly, “Does it look like they do?”

He groaned in pleasure and told her, “Nope. Do you know something? I like it when you touch them. Some are scared of them. There's one in particular I have to keep a shirt on if I want to do her. My dad can't stand looking at them. But… I don't mind. Or care. But you make me feel proud to have them.”

Cassia looked at him in surprise. “I do? Why?” She asked as softly trailed her hands on some scars littered across his front.

“Because you see beyond them.” Xander said before pulling her into a kiss. Letting go he finished, “I'm a rebel, and I won't ever change. But you know that I could be otherwise, if ever I was given a good reason.” Locking eyes, he smiled with a slight moan as her fingers did their work, “I have never shown the real me to anyone.”

Cassia didn’t know what say as she was overcome by this warm feeling. She turned her gaze to his scars and an idea formed. She started from the top and kissed every single one of his scars. She heard his moans, which spurred her on, until she was at the cause of his problem. Locking eyes with him, she gently wrapped her hand around him, before showing him her thanks with her hands and mouth.

Xander gasped when Cassia started this and trembled with need. He hissed in pleasure, “Yes, just like that. Oh...keep going. Fuck…” he trailed off as the need grew even more. Cassia kept it up until he came and sank to his knees, level with her eyes. “Damn...girl...you are...good...at that.”

Flushing red but having pride show on her face, Cassia admitted to him, “You learn a lot things when your sister likes sex. Most of what she told me was on how to pleasure a man...and you don’t argue with her when she’s giving out free advice like that. No matter how much you don’t want hear or know.”

Xander caught his breath and grinned at her, “Came in handy, didn't it? Perhaps...if you get back… you should thank her from me… _especially.”_

Cassia snorted and swatted at him. “It’s when I get back. And why would I thank her? She doesn’t need to know anything about this. Unlike her, I am quite reserved about what I share from my...nearly non-existent sex life.”

Xander laughed and said, “Opposite problem from me. My whole damn district knows what I do. And I don't care.” Pausing, he tugged Cassia to the stall again and laid out the blanket. “Get down. Spread them. My turn to return the favour.”

Cassia raised an eyebrow at him, but did as he told her. She laid down on her and spread her legs slightly. She watched him curiously to see what he would do.

Growling, he shoved her legs further apart and settled himself between them. Then he grinned and locked eyes with her as he used his fingers with various pressure. He didn't look away but waited for her reactions to tell him how he was doing.

Cassia cried out in pleasure quietly and arched her body. Moving her hips in time with his fingers, she made various sounds of pleasure as she about reached the edge. But before she could go over, she demanded him, “Not like this. I...want you.”

Xander looked up in surprise. But he was excited again. He cocked his head, then bent over and blew on her special place, making her moan again. Then he moved up, and showed Cassia how he got himself ready. When he was close himself, he plunged into her. Because of all the preparations, it didn't take much for either of them to finish.

Cassia kept one hand on his shoulder and let him hold her. Panting herself, she told him, “Thank...you...I needed...that...before tomorrow.”

Xander grinned and carefully pulled away from Cassia. He flopped beside her, running a hand through her hair. “Thank you too. I needed it too, believe it or not.” He paused and told her, “You know...I saw your reaping video. I should have guessed further about what you were trying to do.”

“What do you mean?” She asked softly.

“Because your sister is pregnant, yeah? She hid it well, but I watched it again. Her mannerisms are obvious if you’re looking for it. But of course all the attention was on you. It was a good move.” Xander smirked at her, “Did you see mine?”

Cassia sighed and looked up at the ceiling and said, “No, I was trying to come to terms with what I did.” She turned and locked gazes with him and kissed him lightly against the lips, “I don’t regret volunteering. I never will if it means that she’s safe. Both her and her unborn baby. I would do it over and over again if I had the choice. I’ve met so many interesting people here. Do you understand why I can’t be in any alliance? I’m better off on my own.”

He leaned over and brushed his thumb down Cassia’s arm, then across her lips before dropping his hand away. “I guess. Just know I'm on my own too. Unless I find you.” Here he gave a sarcastic laugh. “You really should have seen mine. I punched a Peacekeeper, and cursed them out. Yes on camera! I didn't care. I was too angry when they took me. To be safe, they chained me. There's a really nice shot of me on the train leaving with the fire in my eyes and of course they did a nice close up of my cuffs.” He shook his head ruefully.

Cassia let her hand drop and trail over his wrist. She looked at them and said, “I don’t know why you fight against them so hard. They just hurt you and prove that there’s nothing you can do.”

“Oh, but Cassia, that's where you are wrong. I told you before that things are happening. Little things right now. But before you know it, it'll be bigger. I don't care if they hurt me. They can hurt my body, but not wound my soul. And when the flame starts burning, there will be nothing that can drown it.”

“You really believe that. I hope, for your sake that is true then.” Cassia stated while studying him. She let go of his wrist and brushed her fingers across his cheek in a feather light touch.

Xander leaned into her touch and sighed happily. But at last he asked, “So… no one at home in that way?”  
  
“Boyfriends, yes. I had a couple. Meaningless sex, no. That is more Gwen’s thing than mine. But hey...I figure I might as well see what is so appealing to it. Don’t have to worry about getting attached. Nothing expected of us. It was brief and pretty decent. Doesn’t matter anyways. We’ll be dead the day after tomorrow.” Cassia told him quietly.  
  
Xander snorted, “Welcome to my world. The girls at home are wild about me because I'm hot, bad, and don't give a shit. I haven't ever had a steady girlfriend. Had to start sneaking off to the woods… which I might remind you, we aren't allowed in… just so I wouldn't piss off too many dads. Mine included.”  
  
“You really are like Gwen.” Cassia muttered. Her heart clenched at the thought of her sister and unborn baby. She couldn’t help the laugh from escaping her. It was ironic that each of them was getting the opposite of what they wanted in life. Focusing on Xander, she asked softly, “Really? No girl ever catch your interest at all in your short lived life?”  
  
He flashed a sexy grin, and replied lightly, “Oh now. They're all very nice. I'm generous. They all gotta have their share, or the others would be jealous.” He looked at Cassia and winked.  
  
“You’re very conceited. And arrogant. There is nothing remotely attractive about you. We girls just use you for sex.” Cassia told him while she sat up on her elbows staring down at him.  
  
Laughing, he shoved her over again. “Yeah, and you gotta admit that I do it well. There was that time when my dad caught me with this one girl. Oh, he whaled on me for that one. Then asked later how exactly I bent like that.” He went off into laughter.   
  
“I don’t even want to know what position he caught you in.” Cassia said in amusement. Sighing, she reluctantly pulled away from him and stood up. She trailed her eyes over his naked body, before forcing herself to walk away and get dressed again. She kept her back to him and crossed her arms around herself. It hit her then. She would never get this again with him. Never talk to him, see him, have sex with him. He really had become a constant in her life but one that would be torn from her. She slammed a hand against her mouth to stop the sob from escaping her.

Xander had sighed when Cassia dressed again. Reluctantly he pulled his pants on again and had just zipped up when he heard her. Not bothering with his shirt, he came behind and just held Cassia. The emotions ripped through him as well. He had never had a girl like her. The girl who had seen past him to his kind heart underneath the armour he wore. The girl he had fallen for. And knowing that it could never be. One or both would die. He could only wish it would be swift and together if possible. Xander blew a sharp breath and couldn't help but kiss her neck as he held Cassia in his arms.

Cassia was a whirlwind of emotions. Tomorrow was the start of the games. Tomorrow was the day she could potentially die. Tomorrow was the day she would find out if she was strong enough to keep her promise. Tomorrow was the day when her life would change forever again. She wanted to go home. She wanted to be with Gwen. She wanted to be there to greet her niece or nephew into this cruel world and show them good in it. But she also wanted to stay here with Xander. She didn’t want to have to kill. She didn’t want any of this. She didn’t want to leave him. Now she was angry at herself, at Xander, at her mom, at the game, at Snow. Then she was scared...no terrified that her death would painful and drawn out.  She cried even harder at this and gasped, “I’m scared.”

“I know” was his soft answer. “I don't mind killing the others, except Daisy of course. But I don't think I could kill you. But if I were forced to it, it would be swift. Could you do the same for me, if it turns out that way?” He whispered in her ear with a note of desperation.

Cassia shook harder and gasped for air through her sobs. Shaking her head wildly, her voice cracked replied, “No, I don’t want to...cause you more pain. But if you really want me to...I will.”

Xander sighed, then turned Cassia around to face her. He had an unreadable expression on his face, but then threw caution to the wind and kissed her passionately. He kissed her as if he couldn't get enough of her. Then he reached down and hiked her dress up so he could pull a leg up on his hip and continued with his kisses.

Cassia felt her tears mix in with their kisses. A desperation hit her and she hooked her other leg up around him, forcing him to hold her up. She wrapped her legs around him tightly and whispered against him, “Don’t let me go.”

Xander growled with passion and huskily said, “Never.” He held her easily but he had no purchase this way. So he moved forward until her back rested on the wall, leaving his hands free to roam on her body. There was only one issue. Xander gently bit her ear and in a lust filled voice said one word, “Zipper.”

Cassia gasped and rocked against him in a hurried way. Her one hand was gripping his shoulder, probably going to leave more marks, and used her other one to find his zipper. She stumbled around with it, accidentally brushing up against him, until she undid it. Reaching in to free him, she hissed in his ear, “Here. Now. Rough. Fast. Need you.”

Xander wasted no time questioning her. He snarled with need as he pounded into her with no preparation, “Might hurt. But don't care. I need...you too.” He bit her shoulder as he moved quickly. He could feel himself deep and somehow grew more than he ever had. Grunting with both effort and lust, he thrust hard, ignoring her yelp of pain, and didn't stop. His need for her was too all consuming.

Cassia yelped in pain again, but it was mixed pleasure. She didn’t want him to stop and instead pushed herself harder against him. Her head fell back against the wall with a loud thump and she could hear the horses moving around them. But none of that mattered as she dug her hand into his shoulder. Her other one slammed against the wall, above her head, and pressed against it as she cried out in pleasure.

He did the same, and felt the peak coming. Instead of doing it slow like he had yesterday, he pumped more. It almost hurt him too, but he ignored it. At last Cassia finished, and he only needed a few more thrusts against her bucking body to finish as well. He couldn't hold her after that, but just managed to stagger back to the blanket and fall on it. He dropped to his back so Cassia was straddling him. But they were still joined. He whispered, “Stay... with me... a while. Don't... move.”

Cassia only managed a weak nod before she listened to his heart beat. Her body shook from what they had just done and her tears still fell down her gently.

Xander reached and wiped her tears away. He very softly said, “Thank you for that. I know we are both going to feel it in the morning, but was worth it.” He paused, with a note of concern, asked, “Am I hurting you down there like this? I've never done that, letting them stay.”

“Only when one of us move slightly. That was painful...but what I needed.” Cassia whispered hoarsely.

He nodded, “As I did, as well.” Xander kissed her lightly, then reluctantly sat up on his elbows, wincing at her gasp. There wasn't a gentle way to do this. Xander shoved her off him quickly, moaning in pleasure as he separated, but sat up quickly after that.

Cassia lay on her back as she tried not to cause herself anymore pain from moving. How was she supposed to run tomorrow if she was still like this? She grunted softly as she tried to sit up but it quickly turned into a cry of pain. She stopped moving and lay back down again.

Xander smiled gently and stroked Cassia’s face. His voice had a smirk in it, “When you get back upstairs, try some ice cubes. In a bag of course. And try not to let anyone see _where_ you're putting them!”

“How come you aren’t as sore as I am?” Cassia asked him softly.

Smugly, Xander answered, “My dear, I was doing all the shoving. You just got me at my biggest. But in truth, I am a little… irritated. But nowhere near you.”

Cassia didn’t say anything other than press her hand against his cheek. “Can I ask you a personal question?” she whispered.

Xander took her hand off his face gently and kissed her fingers. He gazed at her with blue eyes piercingly, but answered, “Of course.”

Entwining her fingers with his, she kept her gaze on him as she asked softly, “Other than freedom, what were your dreams? Did you ever want to settle down with someone back in 10?”

Snorting in amusement, Xander shook his head. “No. Well, at least there was no one I liked enough to settle with at home. I just used them, the same as they used me. And I was okay with that.” Pausing, he dropped his voice gently, in a tone unusual for him, “I never thought I would ever find anyone I could care for. But I did here. Where it isn't possible.”

Cassia swallowed and licked her lips. Slipping her hand out of his, she reached down and played with the necklace around her neck. Hesitantly, she told him, “Try not ideal either. Its nuts.”

He chuckled and agreed. “Yeah. It's true. And not much we can do about it.” Cocking his head at her, he asked, “Did you ever hear the hanging tree song? The one that they forbade?”

Shaking her head, Cassia shifted closer to him, “No. Though I heard mom mention a song from twelve that was forbidden.”

Shrugging, he said, “I can tell you the words. Just be very careful who you pass it on to, if you get out of here. The last one I told was stupid and blabbed. He's here now in the capitol. As an Avox.”

Cassia shook her head furiously, “No, I don’t want to hear the words.” She sighed as she let go of the necklace and cupped his cheek. She let her thumb brush over his lips for a change and she said quietly, “Mom was right. I’m just causing myself extra pain and suffering by allowing this to go on for as long as it has. But I find myself not being able to stop and I don’t know why. Maybe it's because...we are all carrying some sort of suffering or pain inside us and I identify with you the most. I don’t know...but I do know that I don’t want this to end between us, but it has to. We’ll be enemies tomorrow and you’ll likely kill me if we run into each other.”

Cupping her chin in his hand, Xander told her, “I don't want this to end either. I just wanted you to know that I have never shown anyone the real me. Not even my father has seen it. But you have. And that is enough for me. But Cassia, do not deny there is no hope and no rebellion. I had hoped to lead it. But that honour will go to someone else. But that's okay. I don't mind, really.”

“I’ll try to keep an open mind, but why tell me to? It’s not as if I am actually going to win.” She answered.

“Because you need to know this. And…” Xander paused. He listened carefully. A horse was snorting in a different manner. He sharply called out, “Who's there? I damn well know you're here, so you might as well show yourself.”

Cassia went tense and sat up straight. She shot Xander a look and glanced around when a voice she knew answered, “I’m only here to get my tribute back where she belongs.” Cassia cursed and scrambled up. She gasped in pain as she did so, but quickly got up to her feet and staggered. Quickly buttoning up her dress, she watched as Finnick stepped out and moved towards him. He really didn’t look too pleased with her, but at her gasp of pain, his eyes shone with concern as he caught her with his hands and steadied her. Keeping a good grip on her, Finnick pulled her closer and asked her in soft concern, “Cass, did he hurt you too much from what...I heard? I heard you cry out in pain a few times.”

Xander growled and stood up, zipping up his pants quite casually. He glared at Finnick, “What's the matter, Finnick? Couldn't get any action tonight so you thought you'd come here? ‘Fraid you're a bit late.”

Cassia shot Xander a look to stop before turning to Finnick. Grabbing his hand, she squeezed it lightly and leaned against him lightly. “It was consensual, if you’re worried about him forcing me. I'm just sore. A bit more than I thought. But I'll be fine in the morning, Fin.”

Xander was still pissed, and reverted back to the old rebel. He swore and glared at Finnick, saying fiercely, “So what the fuck are you doing? And you can't do anything about what we did. So go back to bed and slip into something more comfortable… like a coma.”

Cassia watched as Finnick’s eyes glinted and she moved closer to him until she was pressed against him. Placing a hand on his arm, she tugged on him to go. He placed a hand on her back and ignored Xander, telling her, “I was coming back from a client when I saw you slip into the elevator. I checked to make sure it actually was you, which to my surprise it was. I waited to see if you were going to come back soon, but you didn't. I asked Isadora on where you could possibly be. Imagine my surprise when she cursed and said the barns.  We’re going now before you get caught somewhere you aren’t supposed to be.”

Xander crossed his arms and snapped, “I've done a good enough job so far, _sir._ I've heard already that Cassia doesn't always listen to what you say. She was safe with me.”

Cassia watched wordlessly with growing nerves as Finnick paused to look back Xander and tell him, “She has listened to me but one thing. That was more of a personal reason why from her. I’ve talked to your mentor, watched you, and found out a lot about you. She will never be safe with you around.” Turning to Cassia, he put pressure on her back to go, “We need to go now before you get caught by Snow himself. You don’t want that to happen, Cassia.” He said the last part softly to her.

“And are you so afraid, Finnick, of that old bastard?” Xander growled, “You are just another pawn in his games. You kneel down to them all, which is something I will never do. Have you ever been punished for merely speaking your mind? Have you ever been chained to a post, flogged while they laugh? No. I'm quite sure you haven't. Because you are too busy hiding behind people that will never speak up. I carry my scars proudly. And the rebel in me will never die, even if I do.”

Finnick let out a harsh laugh, “You’re not playing the game right. What you’re doing is what is going to kill you. I won’t let you drag Cassia down with you. She has a lot more hanging on the line than you ever will.”

Cassia spoke up before Xander could. “Finnick, let’s go. You made your point. Both of you have. The more you both fight...the more likely we’ll get caught. So, please. Let’s go.”

Xander sighed but nodded. “Hold on.” He turned to his favourite horse and slipped her a treat, “So long, Pearl. Hope you will always be treated well, and be happy.” He gave her one last rub then followed Finnick.

When they got up to Cassia’s floor again, Xander raised an eyebrow at the older man, lifting a lip in a slight snarl, “So...you gonna say anything about this?”

Cassia caught Finnick’s eye and winced lightly. He saw because he sighed and told her, “If you’re not in the apartment in five minutes, I’ll be out looking for you again. That time I won’t let you say goodbye.”  With that he left the elevator and walked into the apartment. Cassia sighed and stepped out of it and said lightly, “He went...easier on us than I thought. Though, he’s beyond mad now.”

Xander smirked, “Good. If he had threatened anything, I do have some sources that would take care of him. But he won't say anything. But you saw up close and personal how I normally am with others.” Cocking his head he asked, “One more, Princess?”

Cassia looked at him and said softly, “Finnick would never have told anyone. He never told my mom when he should have. I trust him with my life.”

Xander sighed but said nothing more. He only kissed her passionately one more time. Pulling away, he whispered in her ear, “See you tomorrow. As friends.” He backed away into the elevator and let it shut. He grinned and let one last word slip, “Princess.” Then the doors were closed.

Cassia sighed and walked into the apartment. Finnick gave her a look that was unreadable and left before she could say anything. Clutching the necklace, Cassia flopped down on the chair and wished that Gwen was here to tell her what to do about Xander and Finnick and what to do for the games tomorrow.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to give a shout of thanks to my good friend, blueroanmare, for writing this chapter from Xander’s point of view when I asked if she could. Thank you!

“ _The only way to deal with an unfree world is become so absolutely free that your existence is an act of rebellion.”_

\-- Albert Camus

* * *

 

Xander rolled out of bed before the sun even rose. It was a habit of years of working with the horses. He grabbed a quick breakfast and was out the door. It was the day of the reaping, but there was still much to do beforehand. He ran to the barns and starting feeding horses, checking in on the foals, noting a new one had been born last night. Xander grinned at the little black filly tottering around and spent a little time playing with her. She really was sweet. Finally he tore himself away from the filly before moving on to mucking.

He heard his father come into the barn, and called out, “Lady Roxanna had a filly. Granddad will be pleased.” But his father didn’t answer or go to see the new filly. Instead he walked up to Xander and watched him working for long a moment. Something was up. Xander leaned on his pitchfork, squinting at his father, and asked, “What’s up, Dad?”

Andrew hesitated, and told his son firmly, “Today’s the day. Are you going to behave or what, Xander? It’s a big day and there are going to be a lot of people watching, you know.”

Xander rolled his eyes and replied, “And when have I ‘behaved’? Especially when those stupid fakers come around and pretend that it’s all fortune and glory.” He pitched another fork load with contempt. But his father’s voice arrested him, “Xander, if you’re not chosen, do try to keep the attitude down. I won’t have you dragged to the post a fourth time. It was hard enough the other times. And I don’t think your grandmother could stand it again. Please, if you don’t do it for anyone else, do it for her.”

Blowing out a breath, Xander closed his eyes. He remembered too well the last time, which had been fairly recent. He’d mouthed off yet again to the Peacekeepers, and the head man had snapped. The feelings came back again to him...the cold metal around his wrists, the fire lacing into his back, and the blood running down. Oh, they could try to break him, the idiots. But they couldn’t quench his inner flame. Unless they tried to kill him, of course. He’d cursed them at the post instead of buckling to them. That had just made the ordeal longer, but Xander hadn’t cared. But it had broken his grandmother’s heart. Sighing, he nodded to his father, who gave him a long look and left him to his work.

He finished up his assigned stalls and groomed his usual horses. After today, would he do this again? They had sent a stunning matched grey pair of horses already to the Capitol to replace last year’s greys for the parade. Now they had demanded a roan team too, and Andrew had chosen two horses to send. They’d go with the new tributes from today. If Xander didn’t go, he’d really miss them. He’d broken both of the roans himself, and they were a pleasure to ride and steady in harness. It was just as well, he thought. Even in the Capitol, the horses have a better life than those silly frauds that actually lived there.

When he was done, he wondered if he should go and have a little sword practice. There were only three things he truly loved. The horses. Sex. And the feel of his blade in his hand. He was very good at swordplay, and probably that was the only reason he hadn’t been killed yet by angry fathers or brothers. They knew it would be hard to match him. Oh of course, a few upstart fellows had set on him unexpectedly before, when he was unarmed. But Xander had grown up with a sharp tongue and quick fists. Fighting was in his blood. Xander finally decided he should go see his grandmother instead of going to practice. If things went well today, he’d go and practice anyway.

He stopped by his grandmother’s house. His granddad was out, looking at the new filly. Xander needed to see her alone before everything happened. Just in case. She was the only one he was very close to and he knew his wild ways made her upset. He felt bad about that, but Xander couldn't change.  He stepped in and immediately saw her sitting in her usual chair, pondering. “Grandmother? You okay?”

She looked up at the young man in happiness and love and smiled. “You’re so handsome. No wonder all the girls are after you. But I wish you’d keep it in your pants more.” Xander laughed and stooped to kiss her old weathered cheek. She sighed and took his hand, squeezing it tightly in worry, “Xander? I have a bad feeling about today. What if you’re taken?” The boy sighed and ran his hand through his strawberry hair, and fixed his bright blue eyes on his grandmother’s matching blue ones. “Grandma? To be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised. I’ve caused a lot of trouble, and it’d only be their way of getting back at me. You see...the whispers grow stronger. There is rebellion in the wind. And I will be at the forefront of it.”

“No!” was the instant response. “Xander, listen to me. Stop this nonsense. Please, don’t do anything stupid. I couldn’t bear it if you left.” Xander yanked his hand out of hers and swore, “Fuck the Capitol. And all those assholes.” A gasp from the old lady made him look again. She scolded him, “Watch the language, young man! Honestly, I don’t know where you get it from. And you can’t be talking like that anyway. Please, Xander. Don’t make this harder.” But Xander only leaned over again and kissed his grandmother. “If I’m chosen, don’t stay when I’m taken away. Leave. For me, okay? I love you.” Without another word or glance, Xander left.

Xander sighed as he walked down the street. If he left, he was sure only his grandparents and his father would miss him. His mother had died shortly after he was born. He’d grown up among his father’s horses. Sure the old man had beat him sometimes, but Xander was a born rebel. He listened to no one. He walked by the beat of his own drum, to the exasperation of the many females his dad had tried to get to have a “female touch” in his son’s life. They were stupid, all of them. The only females he liked were the ones his age.

One of these females, the golden haired Layla, stopped Xander. She batted her eyes at him, and said, “I’m so nervous, Xander! I can’t think straight. I’m scared if I’m chosen...I never killed anyone before.” Xander leaned in for a kiss and huskily whispered in her ear, “I can take care of those nerves, if you like.” A nervous giggle, and then “Why not? We have a few hours.” Layla tossed her blonde hair and asked, “Now?” Xander winked and merely pulled her to the chain link fence, and dragged her through the hidden hole into the forest. Finding his usual spot, he laid her down on the blanket he’d smuggled there one night. He kissed her, and made love to her passionately. Layla sighed in bliss when he was done with her. “Thank you, Xander. No one can do it quite like you can. Oh, Nikki was asking for you too. Can she meet you here?”

Xander laughed and told her, “Yeah, I can do that. She nervous too?” Swatting him, Layla asked, “Are you ever serious about any girl, Xander?” He paused and looked at her. Almost apologetically, he answered, “Not at the moment, Layla. I like you. I like the others too. But I haven’t met the one yet that steadies me. But maybe I have to grow up some more first. I’m just too wild to be serious. Someone will tame me one day, I’m sure.”

Layla sighed, and kissed him again. She got dressed and looked at him one more time before leaving. Xander didn’t have to wait under the tree naked too long before he spied Nikki coming to him. He grinned at her, and satisfied her as well. But after, he looked at the sky. Shit. It was getting late. Xander reluctantly got dressed again and hurried with Nikki to the square.

Everyone was gathered there already. Xander inwardly groaned at the big fuss being made. He wished again he could just end the whole thing in one sword fight. Then there would be no need for all this ridiculous fanfare. And he’d start with that bitch Almeda.

Her grating tone announced, as usual, “Ladies first!” She dug into the glass ball with the names and announced, “Daisy Grant.” Everyone murmured, as the pale faced girl stepped forward. Xander frowned. She was a twelve year old. She’d likely be dead before an hour went out in the arena. Now he waited with bated breath for the boy’s name to be called out.

It was his own.

Andrew, his father, beside him sucked in a horrified breath. But Xander didn’t move. Not even to step forward. He rather expected this to happen. But it was still surreal. Finally the Peacekeepers came to him and nodded forward. Xander gave them one look, knowing the cameras were on him. He wasn’t scared. He was suddenly awash with anger, and snapped, “Come to get your puppet, you bloody fucking bastards?” Everyone stilled at his outburst, but Andrew only whispered, “Please, Xander.” The Peacekeepers weren’t happy though. They knew him all too well, and grabbed him hard. Xander managed to punch one before they dragged him down. He was led away to stand beside the trembling Daisy, hands cuffed in front of him. His eyes blazed his anger, cursed them a few more times, before he was shoved into the room where he was supposed to say goodbye.

His father came with pain laced in his face. “I suppose it’s pointless to ask you to behave after that display out there. Just...try to come back.” He didn’t say much more, and Xander said nothing. Sighing, Andrew awkwardly hugged his son, and left. His grandfather made an even shorter visit, whispering to him, “Your grandmother left as soon as your name was called. Just as you asked her to. Don’t forget everything I taught you. About you know…” he nodded significantly. But Xander still said nothing, but his eyes said everything.

When they left on the train, his mentor Lonnie Delmer stood beside him. Xander ignored him entirely. He was being taken away from his home, his district, his family. In chains, no less. Talk about fortune and glory. Xander went inside even before his town was out of sight.

Lonnie sat beside him. He was quiet and told Xander, “I’m sorry. I know it isn’t easy. I’ll help you. But I can’t help you when you rebel like that.” The boy only glared at him. He jangled his wrists at the Victor, “Gonna get these fucking things off?” His mentor hesitated, but asked, “Are you going to refrain from punching people? If so, I’ll talk to the Peacekeepers into freeing you. You’re a lot of trouble. They have a reason to not trust you.”

Xander glared at him but nodded. “Fine. I’ll keep my fists to myself. But I **will not** refrain from speaking my mind. So there.”

Lonnie groaned, but went and after a long pleading talk, got someone to take the wrist chains off Xander. He spent the rest of that train ride watching the reaping’s of the other districts. He noted carefully each tribute, and tried to commit to memory each one. There was the girl from 8...she looked big and strong with fire in her eyes. The boy from 5 who looked like a tank, but Xander already noted a nervous tic. He was a coward after all. The girl from 4 who was his age...no wait...there was a bit of confusion there. There was another girl, her sister likely, who volunteered in her stead. Xander studied this girl. Her fierce expression caught his attention. He couldn’t explain it, but this one might be one to watch. Volunteers usually were...they had a purpose, a drive in them. Xander wrinkled his nose at the boy from that district. He disliked the look in his eye, but noted the quick moment between the boy and girl. Hm. Friends? More than? Or faking it for the cameras?

Xander didn’t pig out on the food he was given. He knew enough to eat only what he needed, with one treat or two on the side. It was only the Capitol’s way of saying this whole thing was one big party. As if. He kept away from Daisy and Lonnie. Daisy seemed afraid of him, anyway. The mentor tried to reach him, but Xander only growled at him. Eventually Lonnie gave up for now. Better to not get punched out on the train ride into the Capitol, which Xander seemed perfectly willing to do, if angered enough.

When they finally arrived at the Capitol, people flooded in from all direction to see the tributes. He noted many looking his way. Xander shook his head. It was only them wanting to see the rebel. The only one who’d protested in such a manner this year. Or in any other year, to be honest. He put on his bad boy exterior and grinned at a few girls. Lifting his shirt and cocking an eye at them, he made them scream and swoon as they got an eyeful of his muscles. Now Xander did laugh. Girls were all the same everywhere. Even in this phoney Capitol. He could milk that for all he was worth. He nodded in satisfaction as he was led away, ignoring Lonnie rolling his eyes at him.

Later, he had a chance to see the other tributes. He watched them all carefully, but the one that caught his eye was the girl from 4. Cassia. Now she was interesting. He felt drawn to her in a way that he never did before. But Xander said nothing. Only watched. She had a distinct way about her. Something told him that she might understand the whispers going about. He’d have to see.

Xander observed when he saw an Official go through a door. He paused just long enough to see the code punched in, and grinned to himself. They can try to keep him down all they liked. Xander knew perfectly well what lay out that door. Outside. And not far from there, the stables. His father had told him plenty of times about the nice facilities their beautiful horses went to, and Xander knew he could find it with no trouble. He’d go tonight. And every night. They might watch him during the day, but not at night. And what could they do anyway? Kill him? That was going to happen anyway. Flog him? That had _already_ happened. Chain him? Well, yes. Okay. That could happen.

He shrugged his thoughts away and bumped into an Avox. He looked closely at him, for he seemed familiar. But Xander knew him. He cocked his head and said, “So...you’re still around. You’ll be glad to know I’m a tribute. You’ll get to cheer my death since I taught you that...song. But oh, right, you can’t cheer anymore. Never mind then.” The Avox glared at him in fury, but resolutely walked away.

Xander got in some more cutting remarks to other people before Lonnie bodily dragged him away before District 10’s tribute could be murdered before going into the arena. “When are you going to shut up?” Xander’s only answer was, “When I’m dead.” That silenced the older man and he said nothing more. 

* * *

 

Xander made his way back to his room after his last session with Cassia. He really liked her. Not just for the sex...though that was pretty awesome. What would his father say if he knew that his son was bedding another tribute before the Games? He would die on the spot likely. Though he did know his son was a player. And had despaired of breaking him of that. He had hoped Xander would find a nice girl to settle down with, the same as he had his wife. But Xander was too wild. Too free spirited. He hated this whole thing with a passion. He fell asleep cursing Snow once again.

When he woke again, he knew it was the day of the interviews. The day he’d have to get people on his side. As if they really cared about him. But it had to be done. What he’d _really_ like to do was just tell them all to go to hell, but he’d already pretty much done that at his reaping. Now he had to play nice.

Daisy came to him early that morning. She looked frightened, the poor girl. Xander watched her a moment. If she were older, he could help her out. But as it was, there wasn’t a whole lot he could do. But she surprised him and hugged him fiercely. Xander remembered now she had an older brother who she was really close to. She needed that now. He allowed her to hug him, but he didn’t return it. All he told her was, “Do your best.” She looked up at him with teary eyes and said hesitantly, “Everyone says to stay away from you. You’re someone who is bad. You cuss too much. You do things you shouldn’t. But you know what? I think inside, you're a nice guy.”

Xander blew a breath out and stared at her. _Out of the mouth of babes…_ He shook that thought away and curtly told her, “Get lost.” But he paused as the girl left, “Hey? Thanks.” Daisy was startled but smiled widely. Then she was gone.

He went down when it was time for interviews. His stylist had dresses him in a brown suit, the same colour as Pearl’s rich hide, with a blue accent strip that was the same colour as his eyes. At Xander’s request, he wore a white tee under the jacket. Satisfied with the young man who was one of the hottest ones he had seen in a long time, the stylist grinned, “Go get them, tiger.”

Lonnie had given him a severe talking to beforehand. He made him swear up and down not to say anything aggressive or use curse words. Xander growled, but knew that Lonnie was right. He had to win the crowd. In all honesty, that shouldn't be too hard. He could do this.

Xander was glad he had bumped into Cassia. His heart jumped when he saw how beautiful she was. If only...but there was no time. However, the brief contact steadied him, focusing him on what he needed to do. He watched carefully everyone's interview,   but Cassia’s the most. He groaned when he heard about her sister. _Of course. He should have seen that. Now it made sense._ Xander smirked as the crowd was swayed by pity. Might do it.

Finally, _finally_ , Xander heard his name announced. He stood up, and sauntered in a very relaxed manner on stage.

Caesar settled himself into the chair across from Xander and gave him a long look before saying, “Welcome to the Capitol. I must say that you are interesting one. How are you liking it in the Capitol so far?”

Xander grinned, “Ah, now. It's nice. I could get used to it. Only one thing bothering me though.” He cocked his head to the crowd. “It's hot! Okay with you if I take this jacket off?” The crowd murmured assent so Xander stood up, and shrugged it off. The white shirt underneath was tight and left little to the imagination, showing off his muscles and deep tan. “Yeah, aren't you hot in here?” He asked, gesturing the question. The girls started screaming in glee. Settling down again, he smirked at Ceasar, “Guess they are too.”

Caesar laughed and said, “You must very popular with the ladies back home. Now tell us, Xander, is there anyone special in your life that is waiting for you back home?”

Xander smiled sexily, “I am popular, but nope. I'm totally single. Only thing waiting for me is a very pretty black mare. I can ride well, you know.” Xander gave a wink to some girl in front, and finished, “And not just horses.” That started the screaming again.

Caesar seemed a bit surprised, and then hesitated for the next question, “Your reaping was...certainly interesting. Could you comment on that?”

Xander didn't even pause as he answered, “Ah. I do have a short temper. But it's all good.” Glancing out at the crowd, he said, “Probably looked _real_ sexy, didn't it? All part of the plan.” The girls went wild at that, and Xander smiled at them.

Caesar decided to move on and asked him a few more questions to get him to tell them about himself more before the interview was done.

Xander had gone along with him, and played the part of a sexy bad boy, and it was obvious the ladies were falling for him. At last it was time to go, and he waved one more time, grinning at the swooning girls. But Xander’s eyes were not on them, but locked eyes with Cassia. He gave a slight nod, then took his seat again.

That night, Xander was delighted when Cassia joined him. He was more than happy to take her then and there. Tomorrow was another day. Tonight, there were only two people in the world that mattered… himself and the beautiful Cassia.

He wanted to tell her how he'd felt. Never in his short life had he ever truly had a connection with a girl like he did with Cassia. She wasn't the prettiest one he'd been with, but the undercurrent of love and desire were undeniable.

_Love?_

Yes. Xander had to admit to himself. It was true. And this was a turnabout. He'd never been truly loved. He'd been loved for his looks, he'd been loved for his body, and what he could do with it. It was hard for him to see that love could be unconditional, that he could be himself and have value. He needed to know that people aren't perfect and love doesn't just end with a simple fling. But the timing couldn't have worse.

When Xander had caught Finnick, he had been angry. And jealous, another thing he hadn't felt before. It took all his self-control to not pound the man. _Patience..._ was what he kept telling himself. Xander did have contacts. Still, it burned him to know that Finnick was around Cassia, even if not in _that_ way. But the man was with her, in her presence, touching her, talking to her...no. Xander couldn't go there. He growled to himself. If Finnick overstepped, he could easily have influenced someone to deal with Finnick. Killed him if necessary. He knew he could get a message out to a certain person who would have done it for him. They owed him. But as it was, Xander didn't have to. He believed Cassia. And he knew Finnick would be scared of rocking the boat. Well, perhaps later he'd be on that boat. _The barge of the dead, someone had called it once._

Lonnie was awake when Xander came in. “How often have you been out? I know you and your tricks. This isn't the first time, is it?”

He snapped back, “None of your damned business. But if you must know… every night since we've been here.”

Lonnie sighed. “Do you know the trouble you could have been in? At the very least, locked in here? Or possible kept in a cell in chains? People have been asking questions about you.”

Xander looked at him at that, but asked, “And would these ‘people’ be Finnick?”

Lonnie was startled at the bluntness. He shook his head, “Yes, among others. If you listen to anything at all, stay away from his tribute Cassia. You don't need that kind of trouble if things go wrong.”

Xander’s eyes flashed. “And I'm going to say fuck off. Or not...seeing that's exactly who I've been doing these last few nights.”

His mentor’s jaw dropped in shock. When he finally got his voice working, he asked incredulously, “Are you serious?! Xander Larose, you have **not** been having sex with her. You're just trying to get my goat.”

But Xander laughed as he walked by Lonnie, “Oh yes. I have. And let me tell you...the sex was better than anything you'll ever have.” With that, he shut his door in Lonnie’s face with satisfaction.

He dropped off to sleep in an instant, but still rose out of habit early. He had a shower, a hearty breakfast, making sure he drank plenty of fluids, and to her surprise, took Daisy’s hand. Today was the day of the Hunger Games. Xander was ready. He swore in the elevator, but a squeeze from Daisy settled him before they stepped out again. Xander smiled at her, then put his hard expression on. Time to play this chess game. Time enough see if he was king or pawn.


	13. Chapter 13

_ "Wild animals never kill for sport. Man is the only one to whom the torture and death of his fellow creatures is amusing in itself" _ \- James Anthony Froude

* * *

 

Cassia was sore from last night's activities with Xander, especially that last round. She had never had it that rough before, always afraid that she wouldn't like it. Turns out she did like it but it wasn't something she would do often. She definitely preferred gentle sex to rough sex. She winced slightly in pain when she moved and brought her hands to her head. She had been embarrassed last night to ask for ice as Xander had suggested, but Finnick had understood. It had helped a lot… so it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

Cassia still had her head in her hands with her hands curled tightly into her hair when Neptune walked out. She heard the telltale sign of a chair pulling back and a body sitting down on it. Cassia peered through her fingers at him and didn’t say anything.

“I should have realized that there was something wrong with Gwen to make you volunteer.”

Cassie’s voice was muffled by her hands, but there was a touch of a snarl in there, “You make it sound like a disease. There is nothing wrong with Gwen being pregnant. She’s carrying a life inside her...it’s a miracle of life. Not some kind of disease”

He let out a disgusted snort, “Children are meant for nothing other than extra mouths to feed. If no one felt the need to reproduce then we wouldn’t be stuck here now. Would we?”

Cassia snapped her head up to look at him. Her eyes blazed with anger and she hissed at him, “Children are gifts. They are innocent...they don’t deserve this! We don’t deserve this...why are you so against them?!”

Neptune locked eyes with her and she noticed the dangerous, dead look in his eyes. He was dead calm as he spoke, “Because they cause you nothing but pain and grief. I know that from experience when my sister died. She was young...only six years old...and she died.” His hands clenched in anger, “My parents took it hard. Forgot that they had a son. I already told you that I trained to become a Career to get them to notice me. It worked.”

He smiled nasty at her as he walked over to her and whispered, “I’ll win this game, Cassia. And when I do...I’ll make Gwen and Isadora go through the same pain that my parents and I did when we lost my sister.”

Cassia’s breath hitched and she locked gazes him before he could leave. Determination shone in her eyes, as Mag’s words of fight for who you love came back to her. Her jaw locked and she told him quietly, “I won’t let you do that. I’ll go down fighting.”

Neptune’s laugh echoed throughout the room as he walked out. Cassia took a shaky breath of relief and sank back down into her chair. Her head hit the table with a loud thumb and she tried to get her breathing under control. She wasn’t sure how long she sat like this, but she could hear the Avox’s moving around and bringing out breakfast. She heard the talking of everyone as they came out and sat down and she still didn’t left her head.

A hand on her back caused her to look up. Her dark brown eyes met with the worried and stressed blue eyes of her mom’s. Cassia felt her mom’s hand rub her back as she instructed her gently, “Eat and drink as much as you can. Afterwards, you’ll be heading down to Kouza, who will get you ready, and then you’ll be in the arena.”

Cassia gave a grim nod and ate until she felt like she was going to be sick. She also drank a lot of fluids. After they were done, everything was blur from the elevator ride to her prep team with her to sitting across from Kouza. He had offered her something to eat and she had managed a few nibbles on some kind of cracker, before she left sick again. She wished one more time that she was back in the stables with Xander.

“You’ll do well out there.”

Cassia looked up at Kouza. He was looking at her with a careful eye as he continued, “You have a reason to fight. To win. The others don’t. That gives you an edge over them. Use it to your advantage.”

Cassia nodded because she didn’t think she would be able to speak without starting to cry. Kouza gave her one last look before saying, “It’s time.”

Cassia let out a small groan but stood up on shaking legs. She walked over to the glass tube and rubbed on the spot where the chip that they had placed was. She gave Kouza one look before throwing her arms around him in a tight hug. Her voice cracked but was full of emotion, “Thank you...for everything that you’ve done for me.” She felt him tense under her hug before his hands were on her hips and giving them a squeeze. Pulling back, she gave him a watery smile as he told her softly, “You’ll be fine. I have my money on you winning.”

Cassia let out a surprised laugh and reluctantly stepped into the tube. She panicked a bit when the doors shut and she was being lifted up. There was some darkness followed by a bright light. Cassia squinted her eyes and let out a gasp when she felt stifling heat. Already she could feel her curls become even fuzzier than normal from the heat. Opening her eyes, Cassia instantly took everything and felt her stomach drop in dread.

Surrounding them was heavy sand. The cornucopia was free of any sand and looked to be raised on a plain platform. Around the cornucopia where remnants of a walled fort with crumbling walls. There was buildings that were created from the same material but looked to be blasted solid rock. On one side, she could see what looked like an abandoned fort that was laid out like a maze with lots of tunnels and corridors. The opposite side, the one she was closest to, were buildings with open roofs. Surrounding the fort, is a mixture of sand and desert hardy plants with canyons on one side, sheer (but climbable) cliffs on the other. But it looked like they could just get out of the cornucopia by just running out through some weak spots in the outer walls. From what Cassia there was no water, but she knew that the game makers had to have some somewhere.

Bending her knees on the platform, Cassia saw a bag a few feet in front of. She would grab it, and run as fast as she could to a safe spot. There was no way she was going to be fighting in the cornucopia. A voice came on then and Cassia wanted to curse at him.

“Welcome to the 69th Hunger Games! Tributes on our countdown you may being. May the odds forever be in you favour.”

“ _3.”_

Cassia shifted into her position to run.

“ _2.”_

She took a deep breath to calm her nerves and leaned forward.

“ _1.”_

She ran.

Cassia ran as fast as she could to the bag. She snatched it up when a body slammed into her and sent the bag flying and then rolling. Finding herself on top, Cassia gripped the knife the girl had to stop it from going into her. A dark blur caught her attention. She instantly noticed the girl from two holding something in her hands. Whatever it was, she was aiming for her and Cassia really didn't want to find out what it was.

Cassia moved fast and rolled them over. Now she was on the bottom and the girl on top. She could see surprise though her expression quickly went blank and her grip loosened on the knife. The knife clattered to the ground beside her as the body fell on her.

Cassia could feel wetness dripping down the sides, and with a heavy heave, shoved the body off of her. She quickly grabbed the knife off the ground and the one out of the girls back. She stumbled up, grabbed the grab, and started running for cover. She could hear running behind her, jumped over a broken building, and crawled away.

Once she couldn't hear anything more she leaned against the wall and relaxed. Putting the two knives down, Cassia looked through her bag. Inside was rope, a bag of some kind of dried meat, and other small stuff that wouldn't be of any use to her. She knew the Career’s wouldn't be out hunting for people tonight, so she settled down for the night.

A female scream nearby rang out, then a familiar sharp voice snapped, “Shut the fuck up! You want to bring them down on you?”

Cassia perked up at this voice, but grabbed one of the knives in her hands. As quiet as she could, she peeked up over the edge of the building and her heart leaped in joy as she spotted Xander and a young girl.

The girl was already injured with a nasty gash in her arm. Xander stood by her, looking at her, “Daisy, cut the noise.” He turned his head carefully in every direction, gripping his sword that he had managed to snag. A small sound nearby made him shove Daisy away and he stepped forward to meet the boy from 2. Xander stood easily, and reminded Cassia of a coiled snake, just waiting for the right moment to strike. The boy rushed him with a sword too, but Xander side stepped him. He didn't even try to fight back, letting the boy get confident.

At last Xander got tired of this game and struck. He slashed the boy across the arm once, and as he yelped in pain and surprise, Xander had already sliced him across his jugular. He didn't live much longer. Xander looked around carefully before dragging Daisy away somewhere else safe.

Cassia sighed and slid down the wall again. She let the knife drop to the ground but she kept her hand loosely around it. The screams had died down now that it was night. She got comfortable for the night and watched as the cannons went off along with all the tributes who had died. She fell into a restless sleep and was content that she had made it through the first day. Tomorrow she would go explore and keep out of sight from anyone.

* * *

 

Cassia’s eyes snapped open when she heard a sound near her. Her knife was in her hand and she was alert. The sun hadn’t come up yet, but Cassia quietly scrambled up and gathered her stuff. There was no point in staying here any longer.

Putting the other knife on in her boot, Cassia grabbed her bag and slung it over her shoulder. She crept the opposite was of the noise and through the building. Outside, she saw a boy that was one of the younger ones, and hesitated. He posed to be a threat to her but could she really kill him? When he had nothing to warrant it?

_I need to be like mom and Gwen...I can’t allow my emotions or morals to rule me now. Or I’ll never make it home to them._ Cassia thought to herself desperately. With a heavy heart, she silently made her way over. She was behind him with her knife raised, ready to slit his throat, when he turned around.

Everything happened quickly after that. Cassia was moving and brought the knife down into his shoulder deeply. The boy retaliated by slicing in the air with his own knife which caused Cassia to let go off hers. The boy yanked her knife out of his shoulder and threw it.  Watching it land in the dirt, she watched the boys every move before taking a step back. When he moved forward to hurt her, she sidestepped him, hooking her foot around his, and spinning him around. Hearing his body hit the ground, Cassia scrambled to get her knife, when she felt a hand around her ankle, and yanking her.

Cassia let out a small yelp, which quickly turned to a small scream when she felt something dig into her skin and move down. Cursing, she brought her other foot back and smashed it into the guys face. She heard a yowl of pain and the hand let go of her. Ignoring the pain in her leg, she started to reach for her knife when she felt something heavy shove her down.

Cassia let out a grunt and then the weight was gone. Pushing her face out of the dirt, Cassia watched with dread as the boy picked her knife up and spun it in his hands. He turned to her with a wicked and cruel grin saying to her, “Hehe...this is what your looking? This knife to kill me with? Too bad it's going to be used to kill you.”

By now Cassia had sat up on her knees, with her hands by her boots. She kept her eyes on the boy, and moving slowly, took the knife in her boot out silently. She kept the knife hidden and watched him carefully for the right moment to strike. When he moved towards knife raised, Cassia moved faster than him. She threw the knife at him and grimaced when it hit its target: his heart. The boy stumbled a bit, the knife slipping from his hands, before he landed on the ground.

Cassia waited a moment, watching him make sure he was really dead, before crawling over to him. She grabbed the knife on the ground, keeping it in her hand tightly, as she placed her good leg and other hand on his upper body. Pressing down, she ignored the large pool of starting to soak her legs and hands, grabbed the knife out of his body with a heavy yank.

Breathing hard, Cassia tried to ignore the blood on her hands and pushed herself backwards against another wall. She shut her eyes, trying to stop the incoming panic attack, when she heard the cannon go off and sighed shakily in relief. Pushing herself up onto her good leg, she started to walk away with a slight limp, when she heard footsteps coming from her left, but upwards a bit. Her knife was quickly up and ready when she found herself face-to-face with Xander.

His eyes were blazing with battle fire but he cocked his head, “I'm no danger to you, Princess. You did good. You're safe with me.”

Cassia kept the knife pointed at him and shook her head. “No. I saw what you did with that boy last night. Lull him into a false sense of security and then kill him. I’m not going to fall for that.”

He raised an eyebrow, but gave a wry smile. “He hurt Daisy. It was only fair that I got him back. Too bad I lost Daisy anyway.” He sighed sadly and looked away, an act of trust. “I did tell you I would be surprised if she made it to the second day. Well, it wasn't for lack of trying.”

Cassia eyed him warily. They might have had sex a few times, but things changed in the arena and she really couldn’t risk it. She hesitated when she heard talking, arrogant talking, and cursed. “Fuck. Fuck. They’re out hunting already!”

Xander swore himself and grabbed Cassia by the arm and pushed her towards a hiding spot. Realizing they'd look there, he dragged her away to part of a crumbling building. Giving it a good look he hissed, “Climb! Those jackasses would never think to look on the roof.”

Cassia looked behind her and hissed at him, “Give me a boost up. I’ll be quick and then help you up.”

Xander instantly took her ankle and bent her leg. Grabbing her knee, he used it as leverage to boost Cassia up. It was a practiced move, from years of giving riders a leg up on their horses. Once she was up, Xander gave one more look, backed away and got in a running start. He gave a great leap up, caught Cassia’s hand and helped her pull him up. “Flatten!” was his next statement.

Cassia quickly laid down on her back and bit her lip. She could hear them coming and stopping at the building they were on. They called out nasty things and check things out. When they didn’t find anything, they moved until Cassia couldn’t hear them anymore. She let out a sigh and muttered, “Thanks.”

He grinned at her in relief as well, then sat up to study Cassia. He ran a hand down her leg from ankle up to hip, stopping at her groin. Smirking at her, he asked, “So… are you still… sore?”

Cassia ignored the pleasure his hand was giving her and sat up herself. Bringing back her hand she shoved him away from her. Standing up, she walked over to the edge of the roof, before snapping at him, “Can't you be serious for once?! Now is not the time to be thinking about stuff like that.”

Xander gave a low chuckle, and said, “Seems I have my answer if you're cranky. Hope you did my ice trick. But anyway, what do you say to getting the hell out of here?” He glanced around and added, “We need to get off this roof first of course.”

Cassia nodded, looked around carefully, before swinging her legs over the edge. She took her bag off and dug around in it for the rope. Tugging it out, she quickly tied a good knot and loop in it. Turning to Xander, she told him, “You’re going to lower me down to the ground by my arms. I’ll throw the rope to you for you to find something to tie it around so you can get down. I would suggest you just jump, but my leg is hurt already, and if we’re going to be in alliance, I don’t want my partner to get injured on his legs either.”

Xander stared at her. Then a slow smile grew on his face, “Are you saying we are in an alliance? Yeah?”

Nervously, Cassia glanced around and snapped, “Yes! We can talk when we’re safe. Neptune’s going to be out for me and I don’t want to be as close to where he’s hold up as possible.”

He nodded quickly and said nothing more as he lowered Cassia down off the roof. He looked about but there just wasn't much to the rope to. Finally Xander just looped the rope around a projection and tossed the other end to Cassia. “You're going to have to return the favour and lower me as well. Just don't drop me on my head.” He quickly slipped the rope on himself and got down fast. Taking the rope, he yanked it down and coiled it expertly, saying, “Never know when we might need this again.”

Grabbing it from him, Cassia placed it back in the bag, and looked around again. Nervously, she said, “We need to find some place to lay low for the rest of the day and night. I want to check my wound to see how bad it is.”

Xander squinted at her leg and sighed. Wordlessly he led the way, picking a direction at random. They made it across the “village” and found a certain spot that made them look closer. Xander whispered, “I think this rock moves. Looks like a hidden room. Help me push.”

Cassia scrunched her nose up and asked him like he was stupid, “You want to open it? What if there’s a mutant in there! We’ll both be dead then.”

Snorting he said, “We'll be dead if we don't find a hidden spot. And I don't know about you, but I'd rather die by mutant than tribute. So stop complaining and let's move this bloody thing.”

Giving him a deadly glare, Cassia let out a small growl but moved to help him push it. They grunted, but managed to move it so a hole big enough for them to crawl through was visible. Xander checked it out first and reported, “There's a whole damn tunnel system. But I think safe enough for now.”

Cassia sighed, but nodded, “We’ll stay near the rock for today and night...just to see what’s going to happen and find out who died. We’ll explore the rest of it tomorrow. Sound good?”

Xander grinned, “Yup that suits me fine. Seems like a good spot until tomorrow. Cassia, you have no idea how glad I am I ran into you!”

She didn’t reply just yet, and instead crawled into the tunnel. She slid down bit and sighed again. Embarrassingly, she told him, “The tunnel goes downhill. I’m going to have to lean against you...for the night. There’s not enough room for both of us to fit otherwise.”

Xander smirked, “And you think I would have a problem with that? Might be best too for warmth. The desert might be hot by day, but its cold at night. Sure was last night anyway. Cuddles would be just the thing.”

Cassia flushed and was glad he couldn’t see her face. “Just get in here.” Was the only thing she said.

He was by her in a flash and laid next to her. His warm breath was by her ear and he put an arm around her. But he also bumped hips significantly, and he managed to suppress a soft groan, but the intake of breath was audible.

Cassia let out a small grunt when she felt him against her. Struggling to turn around to face him, she was afraid she made things a bit worse for them both by the time she did. “Sorry. It wasn’t very comfortable the other way.” She muttered.

Letting her hand entwine with the one that has around her, Cassia pressed closer to him, so that there was no space between their bodies, and whispered, “I actually missed you last night.”

The soft answer came, “So did I. I was lonely after Daisy’s death. I wished for you.”

Cassia released a breath and asked as softly, “In what way? And why?”

Xander sighed, “I enjoyed having you around. You understand me, in a way no one else ever did. Or that I was willing to share. Thank you for that.”

“You have nothing to thank me for.” Cassia let the silence take over for them.

“The cannons should be firing soon. We need to keep track of how many are left. Besides us, obviously.” Xander said with a slight bite in his voice.

Cassia sighed lightly and squirmed against him while trying to get comfy again without turning back around. Giving up, she huffed out softly, “The ground is too hard.”

Cassia hummed and played with his fingers. Her other hand twirled Gwen’s necklace, “None of this was on my bucket list, and while enjoyable in some regards, I wish I was never given a reason to be here. It was my last year and I would have been home free.”

Xander sighed and answered quietly, “It was my last year too. But I wasn't sure they'd let things… slide… if I hadn't been chosen. I'm quite sure it would have been this or something else. I think I would have rather have picked the something else.” He gave a huff of annoyance.

“Do you regret coming here?” She asked softly.

A sharp look at her but then he settled. “It just may help things along. I don't want to say much. They are likely listening. But if my sacrifice helps the world, then so be it.” Xander snarled at that last statement, and felt the old anger course through him.

Cassia tilted her head back and touched his cheek gently to get his attention. Still speaking softly, she said, “That’s not what I meant. I meant do you regret coming here and meeting m...everyone that you have?”

He put his hand on hers and hoarsely said, “No. I have found the best thing in my life. And when I am with that special thing, nothing matters. Time stops entirely.”

Things were turning serious real quick. Her heart pounded faster and she felt warmth at his words for some unknown reason. She studied him and said with a thick voice, “Things like that can’t happen...not in such a short time.”

A deep sigh blew out from Xander’s lips. He smiled, and it reached the depths of his blue eyes as he tried to explain, “You know what? I never believed in love at first sight. In fact I never believed in it at all. However, I do believe in seeing someone from across the room and knowing instantly that they're going to matter to you. So take that as you will.” He gave her hand a squeeze, then dropped away.

Cassia felt tears fall down her cheeks and she told him quietly, “If a situation arises where I have to choose between me or you...I’ll choose me. I’m fighting for my family and I won’t let them down. Even if it means I get hurt in the process.”

Xander nodded and told her, “And I'm fighting for freedom. But if that happens, go ahead and kill me. You'll have a better chance than me. I'm only a rebel anyway.” He gave a smirk at that.

Cassia nodded and let her head rest against his chest. She didn’t know why her heart felt heavy or why she was as upset as she was, but she would do whatever it took to get back to them.

Xander perked up at a sound. It was the Anthem playing. He told her, “Hey, I'll go look and see who was killed today. Then we can plan for tomorrow.” He scooted off through the tunnel. The only sounds were cannon shots. Soon he was back. He reported, “Five today. The girl from 3, boy from 8, both from nine, and girl from 12.” He paused and thoughtfully said, “Okay let me get this straight. That leaves 11 alive. Both from one, girl from 2, boy from 3, both from 4, girl from 5, boy from 7, me from 10, girl from 11, and boy from 12.” Scrunching up his nose, he gave a nod, “Yup, that's right. I have a good head for these things. Counting foals, heh.”

At the mention of the dead tributes, Cassia felt her breath hitch as the images of the two she had killed came to mind. Her gaze went down to her hands, where there was now, the dried blood of both of them. They stained her and she knew that they would haunt her forever.

She started shaking as the realization hit her that she hadn’t cared in the slightest when she had killed them. There had been no hesitation. She had done what was needed. By now, her vision was blurry, she was shaking uncontrollably, and she was finding it hard to breath. The guilt consumed her. They had families, friends, people that loved them...that were waiting for them to come home and she took that away from them. That thought was what broke her. She started sobbing and pressed a hand to her mouth to cry quieter. She didn’t want to bring anything down on them.

Xander put a hand on Cassia’s arm and worriedly pulled her into him. “Hey….shhh...you're okay...shhh. What's wrong?”

“They had...people...waiting for...them...back...home.” Cassia got out through her sobs. “And I **killed** two of them! Taking away...their chance to make...it home.” She said the last part in guilt and anger at herself.

Sighing, Xander rubbed her arm, then cupped Cassia’s chin and made her look at him. Firmly he told her, “Yes. You did. So did I. It's done. We move on.” He finished abruptly, looking away.

“How can you be so...callous….heartless...about this? You took a person’s life!” Cassia whispered angrily.

He hissed back, “Yes I did! I gotta play this game, so I am! You saw me. I made a game out of it...toying with him. I don't see them as _people._ Only enemies.” Xander showed the old defiance in his eyes and manner.

Cassia glared up at him with eyes blazing in anger. “They may be our enemies, but they **are** people! Toying with them like some kind of cat and mouse game...that’s vile! You act exactly like how the Careers act.”

Xander flared at that and spat, “Do not **even try** to put me with the Careers! Stupid fakers who think know it all!” He gave a snarl with the next insult, “Brown nosers!”

Cassia felt pure anger flood in her at the last insult. She may not like them or agree with their methods, but she knew they were dangerously smart, cunning, and overall just dangerous. They weren’t to be messed with. Which is why Xander wasn’t expecting it when her fist came up and got him in the face with her punch.

Pulling away from him, she said deadly calm, “ **Don’t you ever talk that way about them.** Some of them **are different**. They have their own reasons, some for good and some for not, but they mostly are forced in one way or another to go through it. It’s in their upbringing. And some do it just out of curiosity or because of an interest they have that leads to it.” She paused before saying quietly, “Not all of them are horrible and cruel. They did exactly like you’re doing. Playing a game.”

Xander puffed out a breath, still angry. He stared her in the eyes before saying, “And I'm sure they didn't get treated like slaves like rest of us poor suckers do. But that's okay. One thing about that is we get underestimated. And that rolls in our favour.”

“True, but they get the most sponsor which means they’re more likely to get better things to survive.” Cassia pointed out. “But that’s not the point. You want to be treated right...to have your freedom...then try showing some compassion and morals instead of acting like you do. It’ll take you a long way.”

“Yeah, a long way to going crazy.” He answered back. Sighing again, Xander put his head back on the ground. In a quiet voice, he admitted, “I knew Daisy wouldn't make it to the second day. I wasn't going to even try to help. But she...she told me… it was before we went into the arena. She saw through me. And said I was a nice guy inside. I tried. I really did. But it wasn't enough. So yeah, I was _more_ than happy to destroy them. It made me… feel better. To cut his jugular and see his life flow away… I was... **am** satisfied.”

Cassia stared at him with a mixture of disgust and something else. So, Xander did have a softer side. She didn’t comment on either of those things and just said quietly, “That is a very dangerous thing to be feeling.”

Looking at her, Xander smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. “Perhaps so. But if you don't live on the edge, you'll never see the view.”

“You’re going to get yourself, and everyone you love, killed with that kind of view. Is that what you are aiming for?” Cassia whispered in dismay.

He reached for Cassia, and brushed her cheek lightly before dropping it away. “I'm aiming for something I'm not likely to get. Freedom. But it's dangerous. But I'd rather live in dangerous freedom than peaceful slavery.” He told her calmly, and looked up knowing he was being watched. He hoped his message was being spread far and wide.

Cassia shook her head at him. She wasn’t going to get into that conversation while they were being watched closely. She already had it out for her, she didn’t need another reason on top of it. For herself and her mom’s sanity. Instead she asked quietly with a half-dead voice, not mad, guilty, or upset, she was just tired and numb. “How is sleeping going to work? Take shifts or what?”

A laugh, and Xander pulled Cassia so her head was on his lap. “That's how. I'll watch a while. You sleep. I'm up insanely early anyway, so I'll sleep too in a bit. I do think most will sleep tonight anyway.”

Cassia sighed and chided him lightly, “You still need to sleep. Wake me up when it’s my turn. We’re both going to need the rest.”

“Have you ever...no you haven't. I've been on mare watch. They like to give birth in the middle of the night. Long since learned to sleep with one ear cocked. Don't worry about me. I'll get my rest too.” Xander leaned down and gave a soft kiss before dropping down on his back. He hesitated, then moved Cassia up a little, with a smirk in his voice, “Sorry. You were kind of… on my… yeah. Don't want to get me going again, right?”

Cassia snorted sleepily and muttered, “You really...do think with...your...other...brain…”

Xander watched her fall asleep and sighed. He cursed the Games again, but not out loud. He knew perfectly well he was being watched. He listened for a long while, but didn't hear anything suspicious. At last he too fell asleep to Cassia’s calming breaths and her heartbeat.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder: I should also mention there is mention of mature themes near the end of chapter. And will be in future chapters. Thanks for reading and enjoy this chapter!

_"Sometimes you have to choose between a bunch of wrong choices and no right ones. You just have to choose which ones feels the least wrong.”_ \- Colleen Hoover

* * *

 

When Cassia woke up it was excruciating pain coming from her leg. It throbbed and hurt like hell now that she wasn’t full of adrenaline. She tried to peer down at it but couldn’t get a good look at it other than noticing it was a bit redder than normal. Deciding to see what would happen when she moved her leg fast she instantly regretted it. Cassia bit back a gasp of pain by shoving her hand into her mouth hard. Okay, moving her leg that fast and putting too much pressure on it was out of the question. Moving it slowly and lightly this time, she pressed it against the opposite wall and put a bit of pressure on it. Thankfully it wasn’t as painful as the first time and she had winced slightly in pain when she moved it to test it out lightly.

Now that was out of the way and that she had a good idea on what she could do with her leg, Cassia became aware of a few other things. 1) She was in a _very_ personal position with Xander. She was pressed against him fully with her head on his chest. Her hands were curled into his shirt and her legs were entwined with his. The cut on her leg was pressed into the ground slightly which made it hurt even more. 2) Xander was actually at peace when he slept. It was the first time she had ever seen him fully without his walls up. 3) She was enjoying this….thing between them...a lot more than she should be. He was the enemy. A stepping stool to get her out of this arena and back to her family. She shouldn't be enjoying it. Hell, she shouldn’t even be _liking_ it or him. Yet, the more time she spent with him...she did like him more and it was wrong. But it felt...comforting.

Cassia shifted away from Xander without waking him up and managed to get over him. She bit her lip until she could taste blood when she accidently hit her leg on a rock sticking out of the ground. She cursed in her head and squeezed out of the small opening back out into the heat. She gripped the wall and leaned against it, trying to keep the noise down as little as possible, and only looked up with she heard a bell tinkling.

Covering her eyes from the sun with her hand, Cassia squinted as she watched curiously a parachute with a small steel box falling down towards her. Reaching up, she grabbed it in her hands and studied it closely. Dropping her hands closer to her body, she felt hope when she saw very familiar handwriting.

  _Use this wisely. You know what to do with this. - Mom_

Cassia felt hope and joy at her mother’s words. To get a gift on the third day in the arena was a blessing and Cassia didn’t care how poorly it was or what it contained in it. It meant that she had at least a few sponsors or that her mother and Finnick were doing great jobs of getting her some sympathy or maybe even a mixture of both.

Limping back against the wall of dirt, Cassia slid down and out of sight behind some different type of cacti.  Stretching out her bad leg, she put the letter in one of her pocket to keep safe, and opened up the box.

Cassia let out a small laugh of happiness at the stuff inside the box. There was a needle, some thread, bandages, and what looked like two small drinking container. She inspected the objects carefully and thanked her mom for getting her this. Most of this stuff could be used on her leg. The needle and thread to stitch it up and the bandages to well bandage it. She was about to go ahead use them but hesitated at the last moment.

Cassia wasn’t sure if she would be able to stitch it up herself and she was very wary of Xander doing it. Deciding to make a decision later, Cassia put everything back into the box, and took a closer look at her leg wound. It was starting to red but she wasn’t sure if it was from the dirt or an infection starting. She poked at it lightly, and only getting pain, tried to get the dirt out but only made it worse.

Sighing, Cassia let her head hit the rock wall. She needed water to rinse out the dirt but there was no water that could be found. At least from where she could see and it wasn’t like she had the energy to go and explore about. Getting aggravated, Cassia cursed under her breath. There had to be another way to get water!

She let out a hiss of anger and slammed her hand down on the ground. Or what she thought was the ground. Letting out a yelp at the sharp pain in her hand, Cassia turned her gaze to the sharp object. It was green, stood tall with two green arms sticking out on either side, and had a flower on top. Looking around, she noticed other similar green plants of different sizes and types. She faintly remembered that they were called cactus and that they carried water.

Cassia knew she was forgetting something important, but couldn’t care any of it, and jumped up to go to the nearest cactus. Jolting at the sudden pain that shot up her leg, Cassia put most of the pressure on her good leg, and limped to the cactus.

Taking out one of knives, Cassia stabbed the cactus in its body and cut down. Water started to drip out of it and she quickly got out one water container in the box and filled it. There that would be enough to wash her wound out a few times. Putting that one back in the box, she took the second water container out.

She was about to fill that one up too when something caught her interest. There was a bright pink flower on this one. She was curious as to what was in it. Cutting it off, Cassia was careful to peel it a part slowly, only to find more water.

Grinning in pure happiness at this stroke of luck, Cassia filled the second container. She was about to put it back in with the other when she stopped. She could use this as drinking water for herself. Hide it away from Xander. The thought made her stomach turn uncomfortably. It didn't feel right _not_ to share with him. They were a team and she did need him alive to help her.

With those thoughts she came to a decision. She would share it with him and get him to stitch her leg back up. Packing everything up, Cassia slowly made her way back to the small cave.

 

* * *

 

Xander woke up and instantly was wary. It was not often he slept late. Where were the horses? Then everything hit him and he cursed aloud but quietly. He looked for Cassia, but she was gone. He wondered if she had abandoned him or what. Deciding to be on the side of caution, he had his sword on his hand even before he got up.

A sound at the entrance! He'd show whoever was coming what for. He waited until he saw a head emerge and instantly pressed the blade against the throat of the enemy.

Cassia felt the cold metal on her throat and said warily, “I thought you said you weren’t any danger to me. Change your mind already?” Her hand gripped the handle of the knife tightly, ready to use it in case.

Blinking in surprise, Xander withdrew, apologizing, “Sorry, Princess. Didn't know who it was. Leaped before I looked.”

Cassia huffed but nodded in understanding. One couldn’t be too careful in the arena. She bit back a cry of pain when she moved from foot to foot and instantly went back to her good one. Limping past him, she sank down to the ground hard and panted lightly from the pain.

“Hey, that doesn't sound good, Cas. Let me look at that and see what I can do,” Xander said in a voice of concern. He eyed her. If she was really hurt, it wouldn't help either of their causes.

Cassia looked at him with a painful gaze. She hesitated before shoving the box over to him and stretching her leg out, “I got that from my mom today. I put water in the container to wash out the dirt from the wound. I’m going to need you to do the rest.”

Xander took in the contents of the box. He chose not to comment on that but sat down and pulled her leg onto his lap. “Okay, this is doable. I've done stitching before. But on a horse. And we drug them to the gills so they don't bite or kick. Um. I don't see any of that here. So, you need to bite something,” he warned her.

Digging through her bag, Cassia brought out the rope. It would have to do for now. “I know that there isn’t much in that box, but it had what I need to make sure the wound doesn’t stay open.” She said in a muffled voice as she put the rope in her mouth.

He watched a moment and then to keep things light, told her, “And here I thought you might bite me. Not that I would have minded too much.” He chuckled at her as he started washing the wound as well as he could. Now that it was clean, he checked the edges. “Looks good.” He tied off the thread he would need and got the needle ready. “Curse as much as you like. Hang on to whatever you want as long as it isn't my arm. I'll try to keep talking as we go. Ready?”

Cassia dug her hands into the ground and gave him a nod. When he started she let out a yelp of pain and tried to jerk her leg away.

Xander had been expecting that. “Oh no you don't.” He grabbed at her leg and thought a moment. The best way to do this was to straddle her, facing the leg. So he did, not caring that this could be misconstrued as a sexual move. He just needed her immobile. Now he continued his work firmly.

Cassia squeezed her eyes shut tightly and bit the rope hard. Her hands had curled through the dirt and were digging into her palms. She didn’t make any noise of pain as he stitched her other than silent tears that fell. Finally he was done with stitching part.

Spitting out the rope, she rasped out, “Thanks for doing that. I wouldn’t have been able to.”

He smiled and said, “No problem. Did I ever tell you of when I got beat up by a bunch of older boys? I was in bad shape after. They broke my arm, and then the doc set it. I just about bit his head off...He didn't wait long enough for any meds to kick in.”

Snorting quietly, Cassia grabbed his arm to stop him from moving when he was off of her. “I mean it. Thank you for everything that you’re doing and have done for me so far. Remember that always.” She muttered seriously.

Xander sighed. He shrugged her off. His walls were up again. He looked at the remaining water and asked, “Is that for me? Or am I fending for myself?”

Glancing at it, Cassia told him, “Pour the rest of it over the stitches to get the blood off.” She dug around in the bag and handed him the second container of water, “This is for both of us to share until we find actual water.”

Smiling faintly, he took it and sipped from it. “Thanks,” was all he said. Now that he was refreshed, he told her, “We have to get going. Should we do the caves, or try back outside again?”

Cassia had finished wrapping the bandages around her wound and placed everything back into her bag. Standing up gingerly, she winced slightly in pain but said, “The caves. Going down will be easier than trying to get in and out of that entrance again.”

Nodding, Xander packed up his own things and led the way. He wasn't comfortable with this, but it was the only way. He was honest and said, “I don't care for close spaces like this. But I'm okay if you're here.”

Cassia was a jumble of nerves. If they ran into anything down here, she wasn’t entirely sure she would be able to outrun it. Stepping closer to him to give herself some comfort, she was honest back, “I don’t like this either. But my leg wouldn’t be able to outrun a human. Especially a Career. I would be dead on the spot. At least I sort of have a chance down here.”

After she had said that, her bad leg slipped on some watery rocks and gave out on her. She let out a surprised scream as she landed on her back hard and started sliding down the steep, rocky hill fast. Cassia was aware of herself screaming loudly as she slid down before coming to a skidding stop into a huge, dark cave.

Xander instantly ran to her, and slid himself. He just managed not to step on Cassia but then the boulders fell. Cursing as he moved back, one slammed into him. Thankfully it wasn't too big. But he was stuck between two now. “Cassia? You okay?” He listened worriedly for an answer. He paused and tried to move. He was stuck. Really stuck. The old fear came back tenfold. He started to panic, “Cass! Get me out! **Now!** ”

Cassia had scrambled back when the boulders started falling and curled into a small corner. She wasn’t sure how long it lasted for but it eventually stopped. She waited a few moments and heard Xander calling for her. She was about to push herself out when she heard something skittering on the wall above her.

She went entirely still and looked around her not seeing anything. Thinking it was just her imagination, Cassia got out slowly from her spot and cried out in immediate pain. Gripping her leg, she ignored the pain and the rocks sliding against each other.

Pushing herself up to standing, she once again heard the noise from earlier. Looking around and not seeing anything in the dark she just put it to down to her fears. Limping over to Xander, she collapsed in front of him. Panting from pain and feeling fear run through her veins, she asked, “I would ask...if you're okay...but that looks...painful. So I'll ask...what can I...do to...help...you?”

“Get me the fuck out of here!” was his instant response. The rocks were pressing in on him. Hell, the whole damn cave was pressing in on him. He bucked and thrashed but it was useless. He had to stop, panting.

Cassia watched him in worry. He was reminding her of how her mother acted sometimes when the lights would flash brightly and she would just start panicking. It normally took Mags saying something things to her get her calmed down. _Is Xander scared of closed in places or the dark? He had been fine when we were up in that small entrance...it wasn’t until he was walking down into it that he said he didn’t like it._  Cassia thought to herself.

Furrowing her brows, she reached out, grabbed his face in her hands tightly, and kissed him softly. Pulling back, Cassia rested her forehead against his and told him, “I’ll get you out, but it won’t be by pushing the boulder. I’m not strong enough and I wouldn’t be able to get a good grip with my injured leg.” She paused and stroked his face before brushing her thumb across his lips, “I promise you that I’m not leaving you. I’m just going to go and take a look around to see if I can find anything to help get you out.” She didn’t pull away, waiting for his answer and to see if he would be calm enough for her to go.

The sweat was starting to bead on his forehead. “No. Don't go. They'll come. They'll come to hurt me. Please.” He seemed to be looking at something through Cassia.

Chewing her lip in thought, Cassia didn’t know what to do. She just couldn’t leave him here like this but at the same time...he would be a hindrance to her getting out. Should she leave him to die or try and help him?

She went back and forth before sighing softly. She just couldn’t leave him, no matter how much she wanted too. Cupping his face and forcing him to look at her, she told him firmly but softly, “They aren’t here. It’s just us. And I’ll come right back.”

Xander finally focused on her. He came back to himself and forced a smile and kept his voice clipped, “Ah, there you are, Princess. Yeah. Be fast.”

Cassia nodded and grunted as she walked away from him to look for something to help move the boulders. She kept on hearing the rock noises and it was making her jumpy. And nervous. Very, very nervous and she wanted out of the cave. This had been a bad idea on her part.

She kept on walking only to come skidding to a stop when something landed in front of her. Her eyes went wide at the...monster.

It was huge but slim. It had black eyes, slit for a nose, and was covered in rocks. They just stared at each other before Cassia let out a blood curdling scream that was followed immediately by a horrible roar from the monster.

Cassia fell backwards as it slammed her into a boulder. Pain shot through her back as she slid down. Trying to get a better look at the monster, she noticed that it had disappeared again. That wasn't good and Cassia felt panic rise up in her and drown everything out. She couldn't move or see where the monster. She backed up into the boulders and waited to have something happen.

Xander heard the sounds going on, and pushed as hard as he could to get out. He was stuck, but he **had** to get there! As in **now**. No matter what. Bucking and squirming he made a hollow from his feet. A hollow? That's it! He made it bigger and finally made room enough beneath him and wriggled out. He was a mass of bruises but he had no time to be thankful he got out of his predicament. He could see the back of the monster. Drawing his sword, he attacked. But the blade bounced and he got slammed into the wall. “Fuck it. Cass, we're going to have to work together!” He yelled as the monster swung on him.

Cassia had managed to get away from the monster by ducking and crawling away from it when Xander had attacked it. Now she looked around wildly for anything. Anything at all to use or anyway out.   _If there was one then there were bound to be more_ , Cassia thought to herself. They reminded her of sharks. Stalking and hunting their prey. Then attacking viciously.

As soon as she thought that, more shrieks echoed across the cavern. There were banging and skittering on the walls and ceiling. Even the one that had jumped on the ground was now on jumping from boulder to boulder and on the wall. They refused to go on the ground. But why?

Something caught her eye and she peered closer at it. There was another opening...and a familiar rushing sound. Water? But why would there be water in the cave systems and where was it coming from. Screwing her nose up, Cassia glanced at the rocks closely. Water. They were covered in water. Maybe these mutants didn’t like the water and that they only came out when it was dry. An idea formed and Cassia started making her way to the other opening before stopping.

Her eyes glanced back at Xander and she fought within herself. Gwen or Xander. Sister or Lover. Someone who meant the world to her or someone she just met? Which one was more important to her? No...not that one...they were both important to her. Equal. The questions were all wrong. She should be asking herself what would her morals allow her to do? Which one choice could she live with? Slumping and muttering an apology to Gwen for not being like her or mom, Cassia spun around again and yelled back, “Xander! I have an idea. Lead the monster this way towards my voice.”

He picked himself up after getting tossed once again. But he heard Cassia. He was just wondering how to do it. Finally he thought, _What the hell._ He ran towards the mutant, as if he would jump on it again. But at the last second, he skidded and went through its legs to the other side where Cassia was. “Right! Do it fast! He's pissed!”

Grabbing his hand, Cassia ran as fast as she could to the entrance and the water. She could hear other of those things behind them. Running into the opening, they ran a few feet to the water, and then Cassia pushed him into a small a small crook and pressed herself against him. There was rushing water before it slammed into them both and pushed them against the cave wall.

Xander grunted but the water felt good after all. He could just see Cassia and turned to look for the monsters. They had checked at the edge and shrieked. Finally after a while of poking around, they gave up and left. Xander breathed a sigh of relief. Then he looked at Cassia pressed up against them, both of them soaking wet. “Did you plan this whole thing just so I get this view?” He grinned in appreciation at her.

“No. Just trying to save our lives is all.” Cassia said with a grin. She couldn't believe that actually worked.

“Ah. Well, I love this date, but can we skip the monsters next time? They ruined the mood.” He was feeling much better now that they were, temporarily, out of danger. And seeing Cassia like this was, in fact, turning him on.

Cassia laughed sweetly. She pushed herself away from him and said in excitement, “Come on. I see a light up there. You go on up first and help me up. Then we can rest for the rest of the day and night.”

Looking up, he saw it too. “Yeah, sure. Give me a boost? Be careful though.”

It took a bit but she managed to get Xander up. Grabbing his hand, she let him pull her up. Pushing herself against him, Cassia relaxed against him and let out a breathless laugh, “Well….that was fun.”

He agreed and took his shirt off to wring the water from it. “And we got baths out of it too. We should fill what we can with that water. But first, this.” He leaned of and kissed her hard. He was just so happy that they both made it alive.

Cassia moaned into him and kissed him back. She moved her legs to straddling and pushed herself fully against him. It was in the heat of moment and she went with the flow for once.

Xander reveled in the feel of her against him. That fire inside of him burned hotly once again. He wanted her. So badly. He needed this. So he kissed her again and went to yank Cassia’s pants but stopped short of actually doing it. In a ragged voice, he asked, “Um...may I?”

Cassia was breathing heavily. She wanted him and she didn’t care who saw or what anyone thought. Damn the consequences and Snow. _Be yourself and they’ll love you._ That was what both Gwen and Finnick had said. She had done things that had kept her morals like saving him and growing attached to Xander. A lot more than just friends or an attraction. It scared her to feel the beginning of falling for him when either one of them, maybe even both, died.

Cassia gulped and studied him closely. She needed a hint, a small hint, that he wasn’t just using her like she had wanted to use him. But she didn’t know what to say or ask so she would just remain silent at his question. At least until he gave her some clue that wouldn’t confuse her anymore.

Xander breathed deeply. He looked at her and grunted, “It's...okay...to say...no. I won't...force you.”

“I know you won’t. I just...I’m just thinking is all.” Cassia whispered softly. While true that hadn’t been what she was going to say to him. She had been close to telling him her realization but held it in.

He watched her expressions. Finally he reached a hand to stroke Cassia’s face. It was soft and tender. “Thank you...for standing by me...in my...moment...of weakness. Let me...return the favour. You...I...I need you.” For once, words failed him.

Cassia furrowed her brow, but it quickly softened out. Grabbing the hand that was stroking her face, she entwined her fingers with his and leaned into his touch. Letting her eyes flutter softly, she said softly, “Okay.” She couldn’t bring herself to say the words he had just said. Fear and a voice in the back of her mind stopped her from doing that. But she hoped her gestures was enough of an answer for him.

Smiling in relief, Xander moved on top of her. He pushed her pants down just enough to expose the panties. He unzipped himself and pushed the panties out of the way. “Gotta keep _some_ clothes on, Princess,” he winked as he thrust inside Cassia and started a regular rhythm.

Cassia didn’t make a noise but her body reacted to him. She pushed herself up more and rotated her hips. Her hands explored his chest and back. The only sounds that let him know he was having any effect on her was her breathing. It was going rougher and more labored as they continued.

He laughed at Cassia’s self-control. So she wanted to be quiet, did she? Well dammit, challenge accepted. He started giving butterfly kisses all over her, and ran his hands on her breasts. He also started bucking hard against her, trying to elicit something from her.

She squeezed her eyes shut and her head tilted upwards. Her body arched into his body, providing warmth in the cold area, and her legs moved to entwine with his legs. Her bad leg accidentally hit one of his legs harder than she meant too. She took a painful breath in before releasing it. She moved her leg to a better position, and trying to ignore the throbbing it was doing now, she focused on Xander and the feelings he was making her feel. Her one hand dug into his shoulder and the other one clutching at the dirt before releasing it. She finally let out a small gasp and bucked against him harder as her finish was getting closer.

It wasn't enough to satisfy Xander. He was almost there himself, but he wanted Cassia to say something, beg him, anything. He didn't care about who might be watching. It was just him and Cassia. The unsaid challenge between them. So he slowed down his rhythm to a soft and teasing motion. He moaned with his own need, but asked, “Do...you...still...want...me?”

“Yes,” was her faint whisper in his ear before going silent again.

Xander grinned. He could make this big. So he reached a hand down her body to move at the same time as he did. He started slow and then built up dramatically. It would be a double stimulation for Cassia,  and that should do it for her. He groaned as he finished, but kept going a minute more until she did too.

When Cassia finally come over that edge it was hard. She let out a strangled gasp and clutched at him. It was like she was in the middle of a storm out in the sea. The waves crashed into her, pushing her down, but she kept on surfacing until the storm passed and she was spent. She became more aware of her throbbing leg now and it was starting to hurt like hell. She must have hit it on something during the sex. Breathing heavily from the release and the pain, she panted out softly, “We shouldn’t...have...done that. We...really shouldn’t...have.”

Xander lay on top of Cassia still, breathing deep pounding breaths. “But you... _really_...enjoyed that...So...did I.” He dropped his head on Cassia’s shoulder to collect his now scattered thoughts. They didn't move for a long time. At last, Xander looked again at her, but didn't pull away. “I should tell you why I got...like that...back there.”

Cassia blinked up at him in surprise. She hadn’t been expecting him to say that and she reached up and cupped his cheek. “You don’t have to. Everyone has fears. I would honestly be worried if you had never felt any fear before. Because that would mean you lost part of your humanity.”

He was silent at that. But then a soft voice, he told her, “I never told anyone. When I was young, my dad had a friend of his watch me. She'd lock me up when I was bad. Which was a lot. And she'd often get her husband to beat the hell out of me. That's why.”

Cassia looked up at him with sympathy. “I’m sorry she did that to you. I never knew what it was like to have anyone do that to me. I lived a sheltered but not sheltered life...in some ways.”

Xander smiled tightly, “Yes, you trained. You had a mother and sister. You probably had lots of people who loved and respected you. And the only hand laid on you was for training. You're lucky in some ways.”

“You’re wrong. Yes, I trained but it wasn’t by my choice. I was forced too. Fighting was something I never wanted. Yes, I have a mother and sister. They are my world and I am theirs. But I was different than them. I couldn’t connect with them in ways that mattered to me. Yes, I had people who loved and respected me but it was because of my mother. Not me. It was...is the image that they have of me being a child of a victor. Someone meant to follow in our mother’s footsteps. You’re wrong about the hands being laid on me. I may have been respected and love...but there are those that hate everything my mother stands for. That she got to have children, two of them, while theirs were brought out here and killed brutally. The ones that though like that either had their children beat us up or they themselves came after us. Of course, the grownups never touched us as the Peacekeepers normally saw and they were beaten or whipped. But still….that threat was always there. There is a reason not many Victors have children or if they do it in one of the better districts. Or they haven’t gotten on Snow’s bad side like most of them.” Cassia told him as a reminder to her words on not to judge the victors or her when they had first met.

Xander snapped his eyes to her at Snow’s name. It was dangerous. Well, really everything was dangerous. He reluctantly pulled out and got himself decent, gently fixing Cassia without a word. He spoke then, “Yes, and we've been living in fear for too long. But some of us are tired of walking on eggshells. I stopped long ago. And there are others. Others **_he_** will not find. But they are there. Just waiting. I am not afraid of him. My scars prove that. But as you can figure out, I distrust everyone. And that started very early. To have your trust broken by those who are supposed to in charge and care for you as their own...is a terrible thing.”

“Everything about this world is a terrible thing. You just have to look at the gifts that are given to you to make this world brighter and bearable. If you don’t...it just leads you down a dark road of anger and loneliness. I look to Gwen, my mom, Mags, and Finnick as the ones that make my world brighter and bearable. In here it’s you. But...you don’t seem to have anyone that makes this world brighter for you. And that’s the most horrible thing I can think of above all else.” Cassia said softly as she studied him in the dim light.

Unbidden to his lips came, “My grandmother.” Xander sighed and was quiet and tired sounding, “She lights it up. But I never told her that. I tried to protect her from me. The day of my reaping...she feared it would happen. I told her to go if I was called. There would be no goodbyes.”

Tears fell silently down Cassia’s face. She reached for his hand and gave it a squeeze, only saying, “You're like Gwen. The last time I talked to her was in that damn room. She exploded on me, downright pissed, before she broke down crying. I can count on one hand how many times that Gwen has done that...and that scared me because I thought it meant goodbye for good.” A small smile came to her lips, “She did the opposite. She didn’t say goodbye and said that she would see me coming off the train. She cursed like you did too. I’m sure your grandmother knows what she means to you and that you mean the same to her. You can never break a bond like that.”

Cassia pushed herself up to a sitting position, giving a slight gasp of pain when she moved her leg the wrong way when she sat up, and grabbed Xander’s wrist. Unhooking her bracelet from her wrist, she placed it on his own wrist and said, “I know it probably won’t mean much to you or your grandmother...but this is my favourite bracelet. Has a lot of meaning behind it that means a lot to me. I want you to have it to give it to her when you get out the arena. Give it to her to show her what you can’t tell her.”

He stared at it, dumbfounded. When had _anyone_ done that for him? He shook his head, “Cassia, I can't take this. You'll be the one to get back. Besides, the only thing I've ever worn on my wrists are chains.”

“I want you to give it to her. My mom gave it to me to show her love for me and Gwen gave me her necklace to show her love and support and belief in me. I gave my bracelet to you because I...Io...care about you and you love your grandmother more than anything. Pass it along and show how much you care about her. How much you love her. How much she means to you. Just take precious care of it.”  Cassia said sternly. She wanted to do this for him when she knew that she wouldn’t be making it back home. Not with her injury.

Xander curled his fingers around the bracelet. He wondered at it, and _her._ Finally he nodded. “Okay. Okay. Here's how I'll take care of it.” It was just long enough to go around his ankle. “There. It's safe. Won't get ripped off. Or taken.” Meeting Cassia’s eyes, he told her without emotion, “Did you know not one girl thought of doing that for me? And for the room...I said nothing. Did nothing. I was too pissed. I left my father and grandfather with that memory.”

“Then give them a new memory that shows them what you wanted to say but didn’t.” Cassia replied back quietly.

He looked at her, then up to where he was surely being watched. Then the old fire came back to him. “Name that black filly Xena for me. And take good care of her until I get back! She's got as much fire and spirit as I do!”

Cassia smiled as she watched him. It slipped off her face as her eyes went to his leg. Her fingers curled around Gwen’s necklace and she prayed that Gwen understood the choice she had just made. There were no right choices in here. They were all wrong, but Cassia had picked the ones that she could live with and that felt right to her. Including choosing to help Xander get home to his grandmother. He deserved it more than she did after all.

Shaking her head hard, Cassia slapped herself lightly. What was she thinking that he deserved it more than she did? They all deserved to go home equally but Snow wouldn’t allow. She **couldn’t** forget what she was fighting for: Gwen, her unborn niece or nephew, her mom, her life. It wasn’t fair, and while she wouldn’t kill Xander unless she absolutely had too, but she would put her promise above his. Even if it hurt her to do so.

He laughed again, and kissed her, feeling like a weight had lifted of him. It would be back, he was sure, but as long as _she_ was here, he'd be okay. Despite everything. He pulled back and asked, “Well, Princess? Shall we actually look outside?”

Cassia grinned at him and said, “Outside sounds a lot better than being in here.”

 


	15. Chapter 15

_“You don’t always need to breathe, trust, let go and see what happens”_ \- Mandy Hale

* * *

 

Cassia didn’t wait for Xander’s response to what she had said. First thing she wanted to do was get out of this damn cave system and back outside. She didn’t care what the outside held as long as there were no more _horrible creatures_. She limped a bit more heavily than she had been doing before, but it couldn’t be helped. She would have to look at her leg later to see what damage had been done when she smashed it on everything insight down there. Plus, she wanted to check Xander’s upper body from where he had been pinned between the two boulders. Then have a look, or get him to have a look, at her own new bruises.

Scrambling forward, Cassia had to twist sideways and press herself against the rough wall. Grunting with effort and pain, she managed to worm her way outside, banging her wound on a rock that sticking out of the wall that got a loud yelp followed by cursing from her. Stumbling to get a good stance, Cassia twisted her leg to get a good look at her wound.

The bandages were covered in dust and soaked but she didn’t see any dark spots indicating that it was bleeding again. Sighing that this was the best on how good her wound was going to be, Cassia decided to look around at her surroundings. It wasn’t really anything spectacular looking. The same sand with various different plants and Cactus. Though there was something that caught her interest and made her itch to go closer: on the side closest to the area that they just escaped from was canyons.  In the far distant, and in the sun that looked about to set, were cliffs. She wondered briefly if they were climbable and if there was anything more to them than they looked.

A grunt had Cassia turning back to Xander. She watched with sympathy as he finally managed to get out. If she had found it hard to get through, and she was smaller than him, then it must have been harder for him by being bigger. Plus his fear of enclosed spaces probably acted up. She waited until he was fully out before saying, “I’m not sure about you, but I’m getting exhausted. What do you say to about finding a place to stay for the night and then explore more when we have actual sunlight?”

Xander grunted but was relieved to get out into open space. He looked around, studying things. Nodding at Cassia, he agreed and started walking. Now that he was in open space, the battle hardened armour was back.

Cassia sighed softly and blew out a sharp breath. She was content to let him lead. Time went by in silence and the more they walked the more her leg hurt. At first it was just the normal throbbing until it became painful to even move it in the slightest moment. Worry trickled into her as she finally spoke up quietly, “I can’t walk anymore. It’s too painful.”

Xander looked back at her. He had noticed Cassia limping but had hoped it wasn't too serious. But apparently it was worse than he thought. He sighed and cast about for a place, any place to rest. He was hot and tired and for that reason he snapped, “We passed a perfectly good place to stop an hour ago. Why the hell didn't you say anything then?”

Cassia wasn’t in the mood to deal with his mood swings right now. Her eyes narrowed and she snapped right back, “Because I don’t have to tell you jack shit what’s wrong with me if I don’t want too.”

He stared at her, then had to grin. “You're plucky, you know that? Not too many girls talk back to me like that. I think I like it.”

“Yeah, well...get used to it. I’ve already told you not judge me based off of what you think of me.” Cassia snapped crankily. She was exhausted, her body hurt from being thrown around, her leg was killing her pain wise, she was hot, and she wanted to be back home with her twin. Not here fighting for her fucking life every second of the day.

Xander gave her another look before turning to the scenery. He could see a large rock ahead. Perhaps that would give enough cover from the sun and prying eyes. He could dig into the dirt for the cooler soil. Deciding that's exactly what would happen, he turned back to Cassia and, without further ado, scooped her up in his arms and headed towards the rock.

Cassia let a small hiss escape her and she pounded her fists on his shoulders and chest. “For fucksakes...put me down! I can walk a bit more without you carrying me. You're making me look weak!” she snapped.

He laughed and kept walking, saying in amusement, “One, we get there faster. Two, you get to get there in style. Three, don't tell me you're not enjoying this.”

Cassia let out a huff and gave him one more hit before muttering, “This definitely isn’t style. More like kidnapping.”

Xander thought a moment. “Okay, I've done that. Sort of. Heh.” He grinned and then plunked her down in the shade of the large rock. “Now do you think you can behave yourself while I make the place more comfy? No lace curtains unfortunately.” He smirked at her while starting to dig for the cool dirt.

Cassia rolled her eyes and went to inspect her leg. As gently as she could, she unwrapped it and frowned worriedly. It was starting to get red around the edges and when she pressed her fingers to it she could feel heat coming off of it. Deciding not say anything, Cassia cleaned it up the best she could and rewrapped it in clean bandages.

Stretching out her leg, Cassia leaned back against the rock and shut her eyes. She wasn’t even aware of the fact that she was starting to fall asleep.

Xander made a nice hollow for them both and had made it so that they could see around except behind the rock. Seeing Cassia asleep, he chuckled and moved her deeper into the rock. Then he snuggled up and watched for a long time. There were no deaths today surprisingly. After that, he fell asleep too.

Cassia felt pain. A hot burning pain as if her leg was on fire. She moaned in distress and peered open her eyes. She wasn’t feel too good. She felt cold but hot at the same time. Something was wrong with her but it disappeared when Xander shot up and accidently kicked her in leg. She slammed her hand over her mouth to try and muffle the scream that escaped her. She jerked away from him and bite her hand until she tasted blood and tried to get the pain under control.

Xander was still asleep as he sat up. His face was a mask of hate, and he was turning the air blue with his swearing. But not much was clear but that and, “Get your fucking hands off me you bastards!”

Using her free hand Cassia shook him and pleaded in pain, “Xander! Wake up. You’re dreaming. It’s only a dream. You're hurting me.”

He finally snapped out of it and looked at Ava in confusion. He looked at his hands and plucked at his shirt, which was drenched in sweat. He was still off, but asked, “Are you okay? Sorry if I did something. I've punched my dad before in my sleep.” He sighed and rubbed his eyes, now awake.

Cassia wiped the blood off of her hand and spit out the blood in her mouth. She gasped in pain and doubled over when she tried to move her leg. Deciding that lying back down on her side would do for now, she said softly, “It’s fine. You didn’t hurt me that much. Do....do you want to talk about what you were dreaming about?”

Xander blew out a breath. Only his father knew about it. There was no harm in having her know. He hesitated before lying back with Cassia. In a quiet voice, he admitted it, “Yeah. It's not a big deal, really. I was...getting whipped again.”

Cassia hesitantly reached out to him but dropped her hand to beside him. She studied him and knew that his walls could easily come back up with a conversation like this. So, she told him evenly in a dead voice, “I saw someone get whipped once and then they killed him.”

Closing his eyes, Xander sighed. Finally he told her, “I once wished they would do that. But they only wanted to break me. Which won't happen. **Ever**. If I woke you...you must have been treated to some of my...vocabulary.” He opened his eyes and gave her a small sheepish smile.

She hesitated on telling him the real reason why she had woken up but said, “I was. I heard most of them and worse. I live in a sea district. The sailors there...have some pretty amazing curses for the sea and catching fish.”

He laughed at that. “My dad used to whale on me when he caught me doing that. But when he found out it was my grandfather’s fault, well then. And I hung out with a lot of the rougher men. So...I learned a lot.” His eyes clouded again, “Which the Peacekeepers didn't like. They don't like someone who can talk back and make them look stupid.”

Cassia blew out a soft breath. Her leg was still throbbing something awful and bringing back memories she wanted to forget wasn’t helping. But if it helped Xander in any way...then she would share it to get him to open up. “In district four we sell fish to the Capitol. It’s what we’re known for. We have to sell a certain amount each month and they keep track on it all by using these gadgets they have in all the boats and then at the shops. One fisherman...he hated the Victors. His son got called and he never came back. That was the only family he had. He blamed my mother. She was his mentor and she couldn’t bring him home.”

Cassia took a sharp breath, “He started wanting revenge on her and on Snow. A child’s life for a child’s life for my mother and no money from him on catching any fish. I guess he concentrated too much on his revenge because he stopped bringing in money and started selling it out of his own pocket. One day, I was at the beach by myself. I was 7 or 8 and this was before we got sent into self-defense. I caught him selling some fish to people. Long story short, he tried to stop me from getting away and I screamed when he caught me. He was dragging me towards the ocean and well...the Peacekeepers heard. He got whipped for his offenses but Snow found out and ordered him to die. It was horrible.” She trailed off there remembering the fear, his crazy words, the sickening sound of the whip, and then watching the bullet go through the guy's head. It wasn’t often that something that big happened in one of the more well-known districts. Usually it was the lower ones that got the most attention for stuff like that.

Xander listened to the story quietly. In a calm voice, he said, “He was lucky. With me...I curse them to the skies when they drag me to the post. Last time was the worst. I wouldn't buckle under. Sometimes I can still feel the chain on me, hear the sounds of it… and my back is on fire. Like a knife cut, but so much worse. It bruises the muscles underneath too as well as slice through them. Last time...they didn't stop until I stopped cursing them. That's why I get nightmares sometimes.”

Cassia lay her head on his shoulder in hopes that it would give him some comfort. She didn’t know what to say or do, so she asked something to get his mind off of it, “Has your father or your grandparents ever talk to you about your mom?”

Xander pondered, running his fingers on Cassia’s arm. “Dad wouldn't. He mourned her. She must have been special to him. My grandmother sometimes did. I'm a lot like her. In looks and attitude. She was sassy too. I think that's partly why dad despairs of me. He… loved that part of her, but it was too dangerous. I'm worse. I don't remember her...I was too young.”

Cassia played with her necklace in thought. “I don’t think he despairs of you. More like he’s very worried for you. Parents have weird ways of showing their true intentions when we remind them of someone they lost. They mean one thing but act another. They don’t mean it. They’re just trying to protect us so that they don’t lose the remainder of what they lost.” Cassia said softly thinking back on her mother, Celeste, and herself.  

Xander decided it was his turn for a question. “Do you have grandparents?”

“Yes, but I never see them. They disowned my mom long ago and want nothing to do with bastard children.” Cassia tried make it more lightly than serious.

Nodding at that, Xander replied, “I get that. I wonder sometimes what would have happened if I actually did have the babies from those girls. Would the family have accepted them? Or tried to have me care for them? Or disown both of them altogether? I'll never know. Probably that's best.” He was thoughtful and quiet after that.

Cassia let her thoughts drift to Gwen and her baby and the whole no father thing. Her mom hadn’t disowned her sister, although she had been upset and slightly disappointed in her, but had accepted them both with open and loving arms.

Xander watched Cassia carefully. He wasn't sure what she was thinking. So he hesitated before asking, “How about you? Ever want kids one day? Or do you prefer going it alone like me?”

Cassia smiled warmly, “Yes, I did. Still do one day. If I make it back alive. I know it’s selfish of me to wish for that on any child of mine, but I believe that children bring so much joy and light to this world. It’s why I would fight. Why I am fighting now. They’re our future and we can help make it better for them. Even if it’s just a little bit.”

Tracing his fingers on her lips, Xander answered, “Yeah? They make me feel strange. Like Daisy. I didn't know what to do with her. Guess I'm better with the young foals than babies. They're cuter too.” He let out a laugh at the thought of watching a foal figuring out its legs.

“I think you would be a good father to any of those children you might have had.” Cassia said quietly.

“I think that they'd just be young demons with a tongue like their dad though. Why inflict that misery on people?” was his roguish answer.

“There’s more to you than a sharp tongue. You helped Daisy despite knowing that she would die, you comforted her I bet, and I bet if given the chance with the right one that you would be a good dad.” Cassia told him stubbornly. She didn’t know why she was fighting so hard about this but he reminded her of Neptune and his views on children.

Xander shook his head. He was about to retort but then noticed in the growing light that she didn't look good. Immediately, he pressed a hand on her forehead, and swore, “Fuck it, Cass. You're burning hotter than Hades. You could have said that.”

“I’m fine. I’ll be alright once I get some rest.” Cassia told him sternly.

Pursing his lips, Xander let his eyes trail down to her leg. It was raised, and that meant it hurt. Testing it, he lightly brushed his hand over the bandages without warning to see if he got a reaction.

Her eyes snapped open wide and she let out a painful cry and jerked away from him. The pain flared to the worst it had yet. She fought back tears and blew out a sharp breath, “Don’t touch it.”

Xander’s eyes flashed and he told her in a no nonsense tone, “Princess, that is fucking infected. You need medicine. As in **today**. You've got sponsors. Ask them for something.” He crossed his arms, refusing to take no for an answer.

“Do you have any idea on how expensive medicine like that is? It’s a lot more than any sponsor is going to be willing to pay. And trust me, Finnick is known for getting his tributes good things when they need it. If he can’t get any than that means I’m shit out of luck because they’re too expensive.” Cassia snapped at him.

Xander sighed and dropped his head in his hands. Then he told her with a hint of steel, “Then I'll get it for you.”

“No,” was her instant reply followed with a harsh glare. “You aren’t spending your own hard earned sponsors on me. **We are enemies. We will become enemies.** There is no use in helping your enemy. I’m not important enough for you to throw it away!”

“Who said I was throwing it away? I'll give them something in return. Do you trust me?” Xander asked with a cock of his head.

“I don’t know.” Cassia muttered. Her gaze fell down and then back up to him, “But I do know that I don’t want you spending anything on me. Leave my wounds to me and my mentors. They’ll come through for me. I trust that they will.”

Sighing, Xander settled down next to Cassia. “This is fast becoming an emergency. I'm giving them an hour. If there's nothing, then I will give it a shot. And I'm not going to listen to any arguing from you. Got that, _Princess?_ ”

“I’m not worth the trouble of saving, Xander. It’ll just be more painful later on when I die.” Cassia told him quietly.

Cupping her chin in his hand, he firmly told her, “You're important **to me**. And who knows? You might win after all. Who wants an old rebel like me anyway?” Xander winked, then kissed her lightly before pulling away to wait the hour.

* * *

 

Xander looked at sun and the sky. The hour has been up a while ago. And nothing had happened. He knew just what to do though. He leaned in and kissed Cassia’s temple, saying, “Looks like it's up to me. Watch. You might enjoy it.” He winked then went to stand in the sun, checking first to see there was no one about.

Cassia tried one more time to stop him. Grabbing his hand, she begged him, “Don't do this. I don't want it. It's just going to be a waste. Hell, you might not even get the medicine you need. Just leave everything alone.”

Xander agreed, “You're right, I may not get it. But I say it's worth a try. And I think our ratings will go up anyway after this. So it may work in the long run. Which we may need. So, shut up and relax.”

Cassia really did consider slamming a knife into him to get him to shut up. He was stubborn and she hated it. Her eyes narrowed but there wasn't really anything she could do. Not wasn't as if her leg would let her get up and walk away. So, she shut her eyes, leaned back, and let her thoughts go to Gwen and happier times.

Xander shook his head. He popped her lightly on the cheek, saying, “I'm doing this for you. You'd better damn well watch.” With that he stood up and looked up at the sky. Now he slowly shrugged off his shirt, letting his hands roam over his scars. Next went his pants. He wore nothing under them, and he stood in full display. Then Xander went roguish. He stroked himself to give everyone a good view and finished his strip tease. His cocky grin was on his face and he was completely relaxed and at ease with what he was doing.

Cassia kept her eyes shut. Though it was pain this time. If only they could numb it somehow then she would be fine. At last she heard a tinkling sound like a bell and opened her eyes to look up at the sky. “Read the note before you open it.” She muttered exhaustedly.

Xander grabbed at the box in midair and opened the note. He grinned, “It's from my mentor. He says he doesn't want to see that ever again. So he's giving me this so I won't have to.” He laughed at that and didn't bother getting dressed as he sat next to Cassia.

Cassia peered in the box and saw a few items. The first was one of the best pain numbing creams. The second was pills that looked it might help with the redness and some of the infection. Or at least bring it down to a low. If what she was reading was correct. The last thing was a bruise cream. She snorted at this one and threw it to him saying, “That's for you. It'll help with your bruises. I wonder who sponsored you to get all of these top of the line things. They're not exactly the ones we wanted...but they are the next best thing.”

Xander caught the cream and looked at. Then he smirked and said, “I told you, Princess. Sex can get you a lot of things. Good thing I have tons of...appeal.”

“Yeah, yeah. Stop being full of yourself. And cocky. That's not very appealing.” Cassia muttered as she reached down to take off the bandage. She winced at the sight and was hesitant to touch it.  It was red and angry looking.

Xander glanced at her. “I'll do that if you do the cream after. I can't reach all my spots. Or should you do me first so I can get dressed?” He asked with a grin and a look at his clothes, still out in the sun.

Rolling her eyes, Cassia placed her cream on the ground and grabbed his saying, “Turn around so I don't have to move around so much.”

Chuckling, Xander did as she asked. After she had finished, he did the rest, and got dressed. Now he bent over Cassia and put her leg up on his. He hesitated and then carefully started putting the cream on, saying, “I know this hurts. But it'll feel better soon. I wish I had the numbing stuff after my trips to the post though. That would have been great! And maybe a little purpose defeating, hmm.”

Cassia had gasped and grabbed at his leg in pain. She tried to keep the sounds of pain to a low but a few loud ones escaped her. Clenching her teeth together she said in pain, “Tell me about a good memory. A happier one of your family. Distract me until the pain numbs.”

Xander thought a moment. Finally he said, “I liked working with my grandfather and the horses. I remember watching him with the young horses. He was so patient with them.

He'd say that you had to treat them right when they were small, so when they're big they would trust you and do everything for you. We must not scare them, or be mean to them. Just lots of love and discipline as needed. I loved helping him. He...treated me the same as those young colts. The filly I left behind...her mother I raised too. She was a wild one too. She tried to trample my dad once, but I saved them both. She trusted me and followed me like a lamb. So dad gave her to me, and I bred her with one of our fine stallions. You should see Xena. She's perfect.”

Cassia smiled softly and relaxed her grip on him. “I'm sure your Xena will be raised properly by your grandfather. He sounds like a good man. I wish I could meet them. Probably not though. We'll see how things turn out though.” Cassia said lightly and tested out her leg. Pressing it down made a small twinge of pain but for the most part it was gone. She sighed in relief.

Xander sighed, then said, “Sometimes… I wish my dad treated me like that. But never mind. Do you think we can get moving now?”

Cassia dropped the subject and nodded. Pushing herself up, she gingerly walked a bit in the hole, testing out her leg, before pulling herself out of it. She took a few steps back before remembering the pills. Grabbing the bottle, she shook one out and swallowed it without any water. Probably not what she was supposed to do but better than not taking it.

Xander waited until she was ready. He moved off once again, this time being more aware of her pace. They had almost reached the sides of the canyon when they heard two things. Water. And voices.

Cassia snapped her eyes up towards the canyon. She knew that there had to be water somewhere! The canyons were probably connected to the cave system. It would explain a lot. But a certain voice caught her attention and she scrambled backwards to get out of sight.

Instantly a knife was in her hand and she grabbed Xander, pulling him back with her, and hissed in his ear, “Neptune and some of the Careers.”

He swore softly, but nodded. “There's gotta be a way around them. We need the water.” His sword was in his hand, ready for action. He waited a moment before saying, “Shall we try upstream or down? There's obviously a river. They can't possibly commandeer the whole damn thing.”

Cassia was silent as she studied the canyon. Her eyes took everything and she bit her lip. “No, they can’t. But they can easily see us no matter which way we go. There’s not much coverage to sneak by and they have advantage with weapons. Most of them carry ones that you can throw. As soon as they spot us, they’ll attack and we’ll have nowhere to go.”

She blew out a breath and ran a hand through her tangled hair. “We have two options. First, we go straight, keep pressed against the rocks, and hope against hope they don’t see us. Or we go back down to the caves and look for the water there and up to the river. They’re connected, while yes, we would have to deal with those mutants...we would have the water to protect us mostly from them.” Cassia suggested reluctantly.

His answer was immediate, “There's no bloody way I'm going into those caves again. Once was enough. It's better out in the open. I'll go first. You get back fast if anything happens.”

Cassia shook her head. She didn’t like this plan. But she didn’t like the cave plan either. This one though had too many open ways and wasn’t very secure. It made her antsy. It was too risky and out in the open. “I don’t like this plan. Too many things can happen that could go wrong. Too many possibilities of dying. I can’t take this risk.” She hissed to keep her desperate voice low.

Xander groaned and rubbed his temples. “Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Cass, we have to face them at some time. We can keep trying to pick them off one at a time. Look...they'll have a sentry. If we can find it, we'll take it out. Then go from there.”

“And how in the hell are we supposed to take out a sentry that is all the way up there. I’m good with knives, but not that good.” Cassia snapped.

“But I am good with a sword.” Xander looked at her before saying, “Fine. You leave that to me. See if you can figure out another way while I _dispose_ of whoever is there.” His eyes started to blaze with the excitement of battle.

Cassia grabbed his arm hard and pulled him back even more when the voices sounded just above them. Her hand tightened on her knife, while the other one stopped Xander from rushing off without a damn plan. If they were going to do this, then they were sure as hell going to do it by a plan and not right now because he wanted a fight.

Xander’s lip curled, but he stayed. He trembled with the need to go after his enemies. If it had been anyone other than Cassia, they wouldn't have stayed him. As it was, he gave her a glare, but remained quiet.

Pressing herself against him, and being mindful of the voices above them, she breathed into his ear, “I have a plan. But it requires full trust on both of our parts. Can you trust me that much?”

He gave a gulping breath. Did he? He'd never trusted anyone with his life before. But he did. Not trusting himself to speak, he gave a curt nod to the only one he did trust.

Cassia blew out a breath at his answer. He trusted her, but did she trust him? There were a select few she trusted and she wasn’t sure if she could with him. Too much rode on him that could wrong. But...he hadn’t left her yet. He had come back to her in the caves and had gotten some medicine for her. That did require some trust between them. At the same time, everything could be taken away from her. She would never get to talk to Gwen again, see her niece or nephew, and just be with her family again.

Her eyes took him in and she released a breath that she had been holding. She would trust him with this. She would trust him with her life and her dreams of getting back home. “Okay, I’m going to need you to be patient. I’m smaller than you, but your better at reading people. I’m going to sneak out a bit and see who’s were and who we’re dealing with. Then we’ll come up with an actual plan. Okay?”

Xander grunted softly. He didn't like that either. But he nodded, quickly brushing a thumb on her lips before tilting his head to say _get going._

Giving him a tight smile, Cassia pulled away and slipped out of sight. She was aware of her surroundings and kept her knife out. Cautiously, she peered up and took notice with a wince. Neptune was sentry. That wasn’t good, especially with the spear in his hands. Moving a bit more, she saw with displeasure both male tributes from district one and two. Cursing in her head, she couldn’t see the two females but knew that they were around somewhere. She started to make her way back slowly to Xander to tell him what she saw.

Cassia had made it three quarters of the way back when she heard two female voices near her. Pressing out of sight, she held in her breath and hoped that they wouldn’t notice her. Thankfully, they didn’t and walked right by her. Cassia waited until their voices disappeared before getting back to Xander and leaning against the wall. That had been too close of a call.

He had been gripping his sword so hard his knuckles were white. He murmured in her ear, “I was so close to killing them if they had noticed you.”

Brushing her hand across his knuckles, she smiled faintly and whispered, “I told you to trust me. I can handle myself when push comes to shove. But I did find out where everyone is.”

He raised an eyebrow as she told him everything. “Okay so, they're literally acting like lions. The males guard and the females hunt. We need to take someone out. Let's do the girls. The boys will at a loss without them.”

“I agree with killing the girls first, but we need to do it carefully and quietly. If we don’t, then they will make noise and bring all of the guys down on us. We can’t afford to let that happen. I was thinking that we each go on one side of the canyon and take a girl each out of Neptune’s sight. Then after, I’ll act as a distraction to get Neptune’s attention.” She explained as her thoughts swirled.

“The only thing I don't like is you and Neptune. But I can handle the others. They're wusses. Fine, if one of us gets in trouble, the other will just have to make the best of it.” Xander told her firmly. He didn't want to think about that, but it would give the other a chance of survival.

“I have a plan for Neptune, but I need time to get it set up. We’ll have to go back to where we were before and wait until I’m done. Then I have to sneak past them and set it up. Then we can do the actual plan. Are you okay with that?” Cassia asked him softly. She knew that he wanted to go straight into action but she need to have an edge over Neptune. Otherwise he would kill her on the spot.

Huffing at that, Xander had to nod. She was probably right in waiting. He wanted to get his hands on the bastard though. He said nothing as he huffed again and moved back along their track.

 


	16. Chapter 16

“ _Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows_.” - Unknown

* * *

 

Xander allowed himself to be led back with Cassia. His blood was still up, but he trusted her. Now he watched silently as she got things ready. He knew she'd tell him when she was ready. He casually fingered his sword blade as his eyes followed her.

Cassia had taken out the rope. Spreading it out to see how long it was going to be and if it would work with her plan. Eyeing it, she felt smug when it would do just fine. Cutting it in half, she rolled one half up and placed it beside her. Grabbing the other half, she looked at the needles on the nearby cacti and knew that she would use them when the net was done. Then she started the long process of unraveling the rope into small, but sturdy enough strands.

It took a long time but she finally got that done and started the process of threading a net.

Stopping, she glanced up at Xander and dug out the empty container. Passing it to him, along with one of her knives, she told him, “You see the cacti around us? Use my knife to cut into them. There’s water in them and I want you to fill the container with it. About three quarters of the way and then put sand in it until it turns to mud. Oh and if you have time...pick off the needles from the cacti. A lot of them.”

Nodding and glad of something to do, Xander grabbed the knife and stabbed a cactus. He grinned as he pretended to gut it like a person. This was fun. But he was quick to catch the water, and drank his fill before using the container. Then he experimented with the sand. It worked. Way better than he thought and he watched the sand soaking up the cactus juice. It reminded him of something long ago, when he had been carefree. Impulsively, he snatched a little and tossed it at Cassia.

Cassia looked up when she felt a familiar spat of something hitting her arm. Glancing at the mud on her arm, Cassia looked up at Xander and gave him a no nonsense look, “Really? I’m trying to make sure we survive the Careers by picking them off one by one. You playing with the stuff needed isn’t helpful.”

Xander grinned and admitted, “Well, it's been a while since me _playing_ didn't involve...intimate matters. Sorry. I did make the container you wanted though.” He was sheepish as he showed it to her.

Nodding, she beckoned him to come back to her, “Good. This part is going to be tedious but it needs to be done. Since you like playing with the mud...you can rub it into the part of the rope that is already done. Make sure that the white of the rope is completely gone. It has to be able to blend in. You’ll also need to go and make more mud a whole bunch of times to cover the entire thing.”

“That's okay. The cacti seem to be fuller here than where we were before. Must be because of the river.” Xander sat down and started his task. He was quiet a moment, then asked, “What was your favourite game as a kid?”

Cassia kept her eyes on the task. Her hands moved in the way an expert would as she answered, “I didn’t really play any games as a kid. I just went down to the beach to explore or watch the water. On the few times that Gwen would actually follow me is when the games would happen. She would push me into the ocean and I would chase her. We would end up having a massive mud, sand, and water fight.” Cassia paused and her voice went bittersweet, “But then we started training and those games stopped.”

Xander looked up at that tone. He shook his head and replied, “That would do it. As for me, I fought a lot. So the boys and I didn't really get along. They were never quite sure when I would turn on them. And the girls...well, once I got old enough, you can figure that out.”

Cassia gave a small smile. It was her turn to ask a question. “Did you ever wish to have a sibling? I can’t imagine being without Gwen. It’s...a scary thought.” Cassia shivered at the thought of not having a twin. She definitely wouldn’t be who she was now.

A chuckle from Xander. “Not really. Although it would have been nice to have someone else to blame things on.” He grinned as he stood up to make more mud.

Cassia chuckled at that. She waited until he had come back to reply. “That is a bonus. Especially when we were younger, before we went with different looks, we would always switch clothes and trick people into thinking that we were the other one. The only one it never worked on was mom. And we could never bring ourselves to do it to Mags. Not when she helped us out so much. She’s the grandmother we never got to know.”

Xander laughed, then handed Cassia some cactus pears. “Here, eat these. They're bitter as all get out, but nutritious. I've already had some. Those ones are yours.”

Shaking her head, she said, “I need to finish this part of the net before I eat. Then I’ll take a break.” She wasn’t even nearly done the net and her fingers were starting to hurt. Distracting him, she asked, “I know District 10 isn’t one of the wealthy ones, but is your family on the higher end, lower end, or in the middle?”

Xander ran his hand on his forehead to wipe the sweat away. He thought a moment before answering, “In the middle. We get good money for the horses, but not as much as the cattle folk do. I...um...think our social standing would be higher if it wasn't for me. I'm the black sheep of the family, heh.” He gave a look that said he didn't mind or care.

Cassia finished the part of the net that she wanted to get to and placed it gently on the ground. Tying her hair up into a loose bun, she said softly, “I know what that is like. Being the black sheep. So does Gwen.” She started playing with the pear before continuing, “In four, everyone either has tan or pale skin, blonde, brown, red hair, and blue or green eyes. With the rare exception. As you can see...I fit in the rare exception. I’m darker skin than most, have dark brown eyes with dark brown, almost black hair. Got picked on a lot as child for being different. You get used to it though and learn to ignore them.”

Xander nodded in response. Then he smirked as he said, “I'll never know why they say black sheep are bad. The real things are cute. And they don't show dirt. And you can tell them apart. Give me one of those any day, I say.” He told her decisively.

Cassia could feel her skin heat up and was glad that it didn’t show. She bit into the pear, her nose screwing up in disgust at the taste, but swallowed it. “Ugh. This is awful. I wish I could have some fish.” She muttered as she thought about the food at home.

“Mmm...steak for me, “Xander said with a longing sound in his voice. “And bacon.”

Cassia hummed as she ate. She very rarely had steak or chicken since her district was a fishing district. But it had been good the times that she had ate it. Finishing, but not ready to go back to work just yet, she hesitantly asked, “Xander? Can I ask you something about you said earlier?”

He had reached for one of Cassia’s knives and now was making sure it was sharp on a stone he'd found for the purpose. Pausing mid stroke, he looked up expectantly, “What is it, Princess?”

Cassia shifted and grabbed the net. Starting to go at knitting the threads together again, to give herself a slight distraction, she asked softly, “Earlier you said I was important to you. Why did you pick me to single out on since the first day?”

He sighed and resumed his task. Finally he answered, “You forget, Cass, I'm good at reading people. And there was something in your eyes that agreed with me. I just knew you had the right stuff. And then...you grew on me.”

“You make me sound like a fungus or something,” Cassia muttered under her breath.

He snorted at that. “Well, what can I say? Not too many people can or do put up with this son of a bitch. You...are pretty good at it.” He finished with a friendly poke.

Swatting at his finger, she said dryly, “I have a stubborn twin that acts like you in many ways. I’ve spent 18 plus years putting up with her.” She placed down the mostly finished net down to dry and stood up. She would finish the rest in the morning. Then she started walking around looking for what she would need.

It took a while for Cassia to find a sturdy enough stick and unfortunately no small rocks that would do. Bringing her finding back to her spot, she dropped the stick to the ground and grabbed the remaining knife and started to cut one of the ends into something sharp. Grinning at her handy work, she said, “There. Everything is nearly done for my plan other than finishing up the net and setting it up. Oh and I need to get the needles but that can wait until the morning. I don’t want to accidentally roll over onto them while we’re sleeping.”

Xander couldn't help it. He had to say it. In a slow impish drawl, he asked, ‘So let me get this straight...the only prick you want to feel is...mine?” He licked his lips in a smirk.

Cassia gave him a glare and snapped from embarrassment, “I’ve felt pricks before you and I’ll feel them again after you. You’re not very special.”

Grinning, Xander made himself comfortable. “Just as well, Princess. You can afford to be picky. Too bad I won't live long enough for you to decide.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? I ain’t picky. I just haven’t found the right guy yet. Or ever. If I get out here there is no way in hell I’m going to bring an innocent person into my damaged life. I’ll be better off alone.” Cassia told him as she put everything in a safe spot and put more pain cream on her leg. Then she swallowed another pill before lying down beside him, but not really touching him.

“I get that, Cass.” He answered after a pause. “I've always been the lone wolf. And you want damaged? What the hell do you call me? I don't think there's a category for me. And I'm cool with that.”

“You may be damaged but it isn't in the way how Victors are,” was her soft reply.

Xander didn't deign to reply but merely dropped onto his back to sleep. He did snuggle closer to Cassia, wanting her comfort without saying so. And perhaps the nightmares would be kept at bay tonight.

Cassia sighed but didn’t sleep. She couldn’t sleep. Her thoughts were all over the place from memories of her childhood, to what Gwen was doing, if she was watching her and cursing her out for the decisions she was making, to what her mother was thinking, if Finnick was helping her or Neptune, to all of the killing that she had done and the killing she would do, and finally on Xander and her feelings for him.

Xander was...he was a downright arrogant, blunt, sassy, cocky, stubborn, sharp tongued asshole. He drove her nuts and made her question everything that she knew and was comfortable with. She had been fine with who she had been and going on with her somewhat normal life. Then he came into it and made shifted everything until she wasn’t what she wanted anymore.

_No...that’s a lie. I know what I want. I still want to have my dream with a man that loves me, get married, and have children. The only thing that is different that I know **who** I’m starting to lean towards...but that will never happen. _Cassia thought to herself desperately.

Yes, she still wanted her dream and she still wanted to get home to Gwen. But she wanted, or was starting to want if she admitted it to herself, Xander to be that man. But she knew it would never happen. For one, one of them was bound to die. Two, they would have never met if it weren’t for the games and the circumstances surrounding them. Three, they lived in different districts with opposite lifestyles...that would never mesh well together. Besides, marrying out of a different district wasn’t heard of. Four, he didn’t seem to want to settle down or have children. He was only interested in using girls for sex. And five, there was going to be death.

Cassia squeezed her eyes shut in pain at that thought. Death...he could potentially die. Or she could die. She shouldn’t be having thoughts of Xander and a future when there was no hope for one. She should push him away, push him out of her heart, and just part ways with him now. That way it wouldn’t hurt as much as when he did die. But she couldn’t. Not when he put away all of those bad qualities and showed her his more human side. How he just wanted to be free from all this...how he cared and tried to help, only to get the bad results in life...it wasn’t fair! _None of this is fair, I said so myself. Its how life works. We just have to take the good with the bad._ Cassia sighed and her heart squeezed in a painful way.

No matter what happened in the upcoming days...it was going to hurt anyways. Her mom had already told her that and warned her about it. Finnick had warned her, told her from his own experience, of what getting close to people in here would do to oneself. Cassia hadn’t listened to either of them and she knew she would pay the price for it sooner or later. But if she would regret doing so was the question for another day.

Cassia was drawn out of her thoughts by the sound of cannons. Quietly, she slipped out of the hollow to get a better look. There hadn’t been any deaths yesterday and there had been 11 left surviving the last time either of them checked. Her brow furrowed as she saw three pictures come up for the deaths of the day: the boy from three, girl from five, and the girl from eleven.

Cassia crawled back into the hollow and curled up against Xander. She felt dread at the ones that were left. _There’s both from district one, the girl from two, Xander, Neptune, me, the boy from seven, and the boy from twelve,_ Cassia thought as she curled deeper into Xander. They were all pretty good and knew how to survive if they had made it this far….and it meant that the games would be over sooner or later. But it also meant that she was so much closer to losing Xander. And that thought scared her more than it should have.

Sighing, Cassia buried her face into the crook of his neck and breathed in his unique scent. It comforted it her and she felt herself relax slightly. She let her eyes close but soon she was stuck in a nightmare. One where she was in her mom’s place and lost everyone that she loved.

* * *

Xander woke slowly. He'd had pleasant dreams for once. He'd dreamed of a certain girl...darker skin and brown hair and brown eyes. Then he opened his eyes and saw _her._ But she didn't seem to be sleeping well. Should he wake her? Looking about, Xander noted the sun rising. It was time to get up. Cassia should take her pills too. So he scooched over and shook Cassia, “Come on, Princess. Time is ticking.”

Cassia jerked awake with a violent jerk and a scream on her lips. She panted hard and her body shook from fear. She made a sound of despair, gripping her hair tightly with one hand, and not seeming to notice Xander, muttered to herself desperately to convince herself, “It’s not going to happen. It’s not going to happen. They’re alive. They’re safe. I won’t let it happen.”

“Cass.” Xander gently called. But she didn't hear him. He knew he needed to snap her out of it. But how, without scaring her? So Xander did the only thing he knew how: he took Cassia in his arms comfortingly, then kissed her.

Cassia was aware of something warm around her, something pressing on her mouth that she reacted to instinctively. She kissed back softly before pulling away in confusion. Her eyes danced around her, taking in her surroundings, as memories came back to her. She was in the games. She wasn’t at home yet and Snow hadn’t killed them all because of her. Drawing in a shaky breath, Cassia closed her eyes and pressed her forehead against Xander’s shoulder. “He killed them.” She muttered voice full of fear.

Xander sighed. He didn't need to ask, for he could guess. His eyes blazed for one brief moment but then he calmed and kissed the top of Cassia’s head. Wondering at himself, he told her, “Princess, I'll make you a promise. If I'm the one out of here, your family will be safe. Okay? I promise.”

Cassia tilted her head to the side to look at him. Her eyes met his and she could see the promise in them. He really would do it for her but she didn’t know why. Lowering her gaze, she nodded and told him, “Thank you.”

He let her lean on him a while longer, then asked, “What are the stats now? I fell asleep too early. Who's still here? Other than us and that asshole Neptune.”

Cassia rubbed her eyes and pulled out of his arms. She sighed as she grabbed the unfinished net and started the remaining process of finishing it. It would take a few more hours before it was done and replied, “There’s both from district one, the girl from two, the boy from seven, and the boy from twelve.  Eight still alive in total.”

Xander blew out a breath. He recalled all of the tributes, and said with surprise, “That runt from 7? Really? Well, surprises abound.”

“I keep telling you not to judge them. Tell me what you know about them all from watching them. Their strengths and weaknesses.” Cassia told him. She would need to know to cement the plan better on how to attack and when.

Xander nodded. He sat and thought carefully before he began. “The 1 tributes are both big and arrogant. But they don't really know to care for themselves. Never had to do it, I guess. The girl from 2 is crafty. She likes the throwing weapons, but I bet if you got in her face, she'd be quite at sea. Neptune...well. He wants to be the boss and won't take no for an answer. But he's weaker on his left. He doesn't really protect his left leg well. Who next? The kid from 7. Well, he must be fast. And likes to hide, apparently. We'll have to flush him out. And the one from 12. I think he's smarter than the rest, but since he's from 12, they underestimate him. I can tell he's got loads of stamina. But perhaps not speed.” Xander took a deep breath after all that. It was the most he'd spoken in eons.

Cassia listened to him with a frown on her face. The two unknowns were the ones that would be a problem. They knew how to survive and hide to last this long. But Xander had left two people out. “You forgot two people in your explanation.” She said quietly.

“Us, you mean?” he answered. Cocking his head, he then said, “Well, then, why don't you do me, and I'll do you?”

Cassia paused a moment before looking into his eyes, “You have stamina and you have brute strength. You like to play games with your prey, luring them into safety until it either suits you or bores you. You’re good with the sword and know hand to hand combat well enough. But you don’t have the speed and you’re not good with long distant weapons. You’re impulsive and you rush in without a plan. Someone smaller and quicker than you could easily kill you. Like the girl from two.”

Xander laughed, “Very good. Yes, I do rush in where angels fear to tread. But that's okay...I ain't no angel, but a devil as my grandfather used to say. Very nice, Princess.” He was proud of her...she had impressed him.

“You learn things when you’re not very good at fighting. Especially with a twin who is the opposite of you. You learn to study her movements and her opponents to predict their moves. Mostly I can tell by the personality or by being around them and getting to know them.” Cassia told him with a small smile.

He grinned, then said, “My turn. Well, you aren't always confident. You overthink things. But when you make a plan, it's well thought out. You're not the best with your weapons, but you do a fair job with them. You can react instinctively when you let yourself do so. You're light and fast, but right now you are injured. So that will slow you down, but if you play your cunning cards right, it'll be fine.” Xander paused, and then winked, “You're also the best looking one of the bunch. That's gotta count for something.”

Cassia snorted at the last part but nodded to the rest. “I’m not very confident but if it depends on it I can let myself go without thinking. Like in the cave.” She paused in her work and asked, “What were your first thoughts on me?”

“That you needed to be watched. Volunteers usually have surprises, for they have someone to live for. They're usually more determined. You had the right look in your eye. I thought you might be able to handle some of the truth after that first... _bit.”_ He looked significantly at her on that one. He didn't need anyone finding out about the nocturnal activities. “And you're a sassy go getter. Just the right sort we need.”

Her eyes snapped up and met his blue ones. She quickly looked back down and didn’t say anything before suggesting, “I think we should split up after this plan.”

Xander was surprised, but nodded. “We could. Probably should. Once we break into this group, they won't be a group anymore. Then it's everyone to himself. I'm hoping with everything I got that it isn't you and me.”

Cassia’s hands trembled at thought of fighting him, but then nightmare from last night came back to her. She took a deep breath and told him, “If it happens...then we fight like we would with another.”

His breath caught, but Xander’s expression hardened. Leaning in, he whispered low, just for her ears only, “If you win, go to my grandfather. He'll tell you what you need to know.” Pulling back, he covered his move with a kiss on the cheek for the cameras.

Cassia turned her head to rest her forehead against his. Whispering just as low, she asked, “Want me to pass any messages along in case I win?”

“No.” His voice was sharp. He rubbed the bridge of his nose, and amended, “Tell my grandmother I love her.” A wry grin, “And sorry to dad that I was an asshole.”

“I will.” Cassia promised him. “Can you pass along a message to Gwen if I die for me?” Cassia asked him softly with pleading eyes.

He squeezed Cassia’s hand and promised, “I will.”

“Tell her that I’m sorry I couldn’t keep the promise I made. That every decision was made with her in mind and that I really did try to make it home. That she’s the best part of me and I love her unlike anyone in a way I can’t explain…” Cassia trailed off as her voice caught in her throat and tears sprang to her eyes. She wanted her sister. She needed her sister. But couldn’t have her here and it was killing her to apart from Gwen so long.

Xander waited until Cassia was calmer, then stood up. “Well, enough mushy stuff. We need more food. The pears just aren't enough. I think I saw rabbit tracks, so I'm thinking a snare. There's gotta be fish in the river, but we can't get to it. I wonder if I can get a bird by throwing a rock?” He eyed the surrounding small rocks and weighed them mentally.

“I don’t think you can. But you can try tracking the rabbit. I’ll stay here and finish the net and then go and scout for a good place to set it up.”

Xander nodded and picked up his sword. He also took a few rocks, just in case. You never know. He glanced back at Cassia, but moved along without saying a word or looking back.

* * *

Cassia worked on the net until it was finally done a couple of hours later. Then it took another two hours to get the mud, put it on, and let it dry. Then another hour to pick off the needles and place them on the net. Finally about mid-day, or just a bit later, she started to scout.

She had taken her pills and put the cream on her wound before leaving. Cassia looked around and thought. The canyon would be too obvious but she didn’t want to go near the cliffs. Ah...there would be perfect. It was a small crack between where the cliffs and Canyon merged. And it looked like it didn’t leave until back into the damn cave.

She got to the spot and carefully laid the net down and covered it with sand. It took a bit of time but she climbed up the rocks, making sure that the ropes were covered from sight on either side, to make the net fling up and capture whoever was in it. She moved down a bit more, where it was narrower, and used the rest of the rope to tie up the spear so that it would swing down with a simple cut of her knife.

Satisfied with her work, Cassia made her way back to the campsite and hoped that Xander was back with food. She stopped when she heard rocks falling behind her and turned to look around with her knife in her hand. Not seeing anything, she spun around only to see a flash of white followed by a sharp pain in her head.

The boy held a baton like his life depended on it. Which it did actually. He had smacked her then jumped back, balancing his light weight on the rocks.

Cassia groaned and pulled her hand away from her head. She blinked up at him and stumbled up. She swore when she saw double but gripped her knife tighter. She just needed to concentrate on him and he would come into focus.

Cassia watched him carefully, remembering Xander’s words. She was screwed. She had a leg injury and now a splitting headache. Her knives would useless until she could see properly again.

The boy from seven once again leaped forward to Cassia and gave a mighty shove unexpectedly, making her stagger back on some loose rocks. Then he went back to his own spot, knowing he was safer on the rocks.

Cassia let out a yelp when she hit the ground hard. She let out a growl and pushed herself up to study the boy. Thankfully everything was starting to focus. She needed to know more about his fighting style. So far it seemed like he preferred to shove or swing and then move back to safety. So, Cassia stood up once again and watched his movements carefully.

She stalked him, holding her knife out, and took notice on how he only kept to the rocks. Gwen had an opponent like this once. The girl had jumped from every piece of furniture, managing to hit Gwen without being hit back one. Gwen had got the girl in the end, but Cassia didn’t have reflexes like her sister did. So, she would have to wait and see what he would do first.

The boy seemed surprised that she didn't wasn't immediately trying to destroy him. After a moment's thought, he tried to pounce towards her and then lure her back while he balanced on the loose shale that barely moved under him.

Unfortunately for him, Cassia had guessed his movements. When he moved forward to pounce on her, she turned sideways at the last moment. The momentum of his weight shifted and she caught his arm and pulled him downwards. Once he was on the ground, she pounced on top of him with her knife raised. Only she made a fatal mistake. She looked into his fearful eyes and hesitated in her attack and loosened her grip on the knife.

The boy reacted instantly. He managed to roll in that second’s pause, and rolled onto the small rocks, and got in a good swipe before heading up the cliff carefully, because it was shifting.

Cassia cursed under her breath for making the stupidest mistake ever. She had gotten lucky that the boy seemed to prefer to run instead of kill. Her eyes danced around on the cliffs when she noticed a loose rock on the boy's path.

She hesitated at her plan but steeled herself up. Picking up her knife, she aimed it at the loose rock, and threw it. The knife hit its mark and lodged into the rocks. It took a moment before the rocks came tumbling down into the boy's path.

He let out one scream as he was falling. That was all the sound he had time to make as he was flung into the air. The next second he was buried under a mountain of rocks. There was silence for a moment before the cannon fired.

* * *

Xander kept his eyes on the ground. He had found the tracks he wanted, but he was also wary. He kept looking up and scanning for any unexpected visitors. At last, he saw a recently dug hole, surely made by the prey he was seeking. And...a snare.

He stared at the snare and snapped his eyes around again. Someone had set it, therefore that someone would be nearby. He gripped his sword again, but then saw another snare, this one with a hare in it. Food. He must steal it. So he stepped towards the easy meal.

An arrow came out of nowhere and brushed against his shoulder. Then a voice sounded around him, “Next time I won’t miss my mark.”

Xander growled as he turned to face the boy from 12. He eyed him up and down and said sharply, “Right. And you missed half the targets in practice. Do try not to shoot yourself when you aim at me.”

The boy narrowed his eyes at the sass and only cocked his arrow back and aimed it at him. Ready to shoot if the boy from 10 moved an inch. They were in a stand still when a cannon was fired. He grinned at it and said hauntingly, “Someone up and died. I bet you anything it was that girl you’re teamed with. She was no good anyways. Pathetic really, since she’s a victor’s daughter. Should have killed her off way before now.”

Xander curled his lip, refusing to think about that. He snapped back, “You know, it's better to let someone think you're an idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.” So saying, he made a glance to the side, pretending to be a little nervous of something that could come that way.

The boy turned his eyes towards the side too. He couldn’t see anything, but out of the corner of his eye saw a blade come at him. He stepped back and to the side and let his arrow go and shoot at the other guy.

Luckily for Xander, it went wide, and he had anticipated his enemy moving. Just not that direction. He lunged past but was able to turn on his heel and thrust at the boy. The blade went into his stomach and dropped him where he stood. Xander paused one moment, a snarl in his voice, “Anything to say before I gut you like a pig?”

The boy gurgled on his blood but smiled, “She’ll never...win. Too...soft…” was all he said before the life left him.

Xander waited until the cannon fired. He swore, but then grabbed the boy's weapons. He wasn't great with them either, but weapons were weapons. He started to leave, but then remembered what he had come for. Snagging the hare, and a bag that the boy had, Xander finally went back to his camp, hoping the idiot had been wrong and Cassia was still there.

* * *

 

Cassia had sank to the ground once the cannon had fired and just stared at the rocks numbly. She felt guilt, more than she had for the other two deaths she had killed, because the boy had been like her. He fought similar to her and acted scared like her. She had basically killed herself which wasn’t a good thing. That meant that she could easily be killed if she didn’t think sharp or fast enough.

She just sat there in a numbness for an hour or so. She had heard another cannon go off but didn’t really care. The only thing that got her moving again was when her stomach growled in hunger. The sun would set soon and it would take her a bit to get back. She got up numbly and made the way back with her thoughts stuck on the boy and her upcoming death that was sure to happen.

Xander was there already, waiting in hope for Cassia. He had gotten a small fire of sorts going and had the hare roasting on it. He was just starting to clean his bloody blade when Cassia showed up. He couldn't keep the delight out of his voice as he exclaimed, “Cass! You came back! Come on, I got some real food for a change.”

Cassia looked at Xander with a defeated look in her eyes. “What’s the point? I’m just going to end up dead sooner rather than later. Why prolong it any longer?” She croaked out in a dead voice.

Raising an eyebrow, Xander said a bit sharply, “I'm guessing this change of attitude has to do with the first cannon shot I heard. Sit. Talk to me.” He made that an order as he motioned beside him.

Sitting beside him, Cassia talked with the same dead voice, “I made an empty promise to my twin. I can’t keep killing kids. I **can’t**. Not when they have what I have and deserve it. The boy from seven...he was me. In every way. And I killed him. Just by throwing a knife into a loose rock or two. The avalanche of rocks killed him.”

Xander nodded in approval, “Good. You use what you can. But Cass, don't think of them like that. You'll drive yourself mad. If you hadn't done it, I'm sure he would have figured out how to get you.”

Anger flushed through her and she let out a tiny scream of rage. She shoved him hard and hit her fists on his chest, “ **They are kids! They’re like us! Younger than us or the same age! And we’re killing them without a second thought! It’s. Not. Right! It’s wrong. So wrong and I want it to stop! I don’t want to kill anymore!** I can’t kill anymore.” Cassia sobbed out before collapsing into sobs. She couldn’t take lives...she couldn’t plan out their deaths...and she was going mad thinking that she was killing people exactly like her.

Xander growled at this outburst. Snapping back, he told her, “And what about me? I just killed the boy from twelve. I distracted him and got him. His blood is still on my blade. And he won't be the last. I've accepted that. I am ready for the fight. I want freedom. And I am willing to die for that to happen.” His eyes were burning in anger at the whole stupid system.

Cassia felt her anger flare more and she started a fight with him. “And that’s exactly why you’ll end up fucking dead. You don’t care for nothing or anybody! You might as well just rush out there and go out fighting.” She snapped back.

“Don't you think that's exactly what I want?” He shot back in anger. “But I don't. There is too much at stake here! The entire fucking world for one!”

“The world doesn’t care about you!” Cassia shouted. Tears fell down her face, “It doesn’t care about you. It doesn’t give a fuck if you die for it. But you have people that care and love you and you shove them away because you’re too scared to let them in!”

Xander blew at that. “I'm too scared to let them in? **They don't want me!** I'm too wild for them. And as for the bloody world, I know far more than **you** think! It's just waiting for a spark... **before the whole place goes to hell.** Then… and **only then** , shall it be made new, like the Phoenix rising from the flames! I might be the worst person to want it, but **I am not selfish and feel sorry for every little thing!”**

Cassia exploded at that. Her eyes flashed dangerously and she moved quick and punched him hard. Watching him stagger back, her voice came out in a deadly calm, “At least that makes me more **human** than you will ever be. **The world is already in hell.** I’m just trying to make the best of it.” She paused before telling him, “And you are **scared.** You’re scared of disappointing your family. Of making things worse for them because you can’t help but act out. You don’t want anyone close to you so that they don’t have to feel the pain of losing you! **Guess what? The world doesn’t work that way! Your family cares about you! I care about you! And you’re just shoving us all off to the side because you are being selfish!** ”

Xander had sworn when Cassia punched him. He waited for the end of that speech before grabbing her hard by the throat. He was beyond pissed. But then...her words sank in. Tilting his head, the anger starting to lessen, he asked in faint surprise, “Did I hear that right? _You care about me?_ No wants a snarky, stubborn ass rebel like me around. But…?” He let his unspoken question trail off.

Cassia growled when he grabbed her throat and struggled against him. When he didn’t let go, her foot came up and kicked him between the legs. Scrambling away from him, she snatched her only knife up and held it in front of her. “I care about you, yes. But it’s obvious that you don’t give a damn about anyone other than this freedom.” She snapped in anger.

Xander groaned on the ground, and barked, “You **fucking bitch.** I care about **you.** Did you think I did a strip tease for **just anyone?** And I could have left long ago. It's what I'm best at doing! But I…” he finally stopped. Shaking his head, he looked away, “I don't know why the hell I'm staying. But... **I must.** ”

Denial was her first reaction. “You don’t care about me. You just like that I’m different than the others. And you got exactly what you wanted from me: a play thing to have sex with. Which is all good with me because things are now in focus for me. I know what I need to focus on. And that is getting home to my **twin.** I won’t break her heart for anyone. Including you.”

Xander watched Cassia. He grunted then said in a calmer tone, “Well then. I won't argue that you got more to live for. So… I'll help you. And they tell me I'm stubborn as a mule and kick back harder than I'm hit. So I'll make it happen. And if you still wanna kill me, then here.” He tossed his own blade, blood still staining it, at her. It came to rest with the point in the sand within easy reach of her hand. “Do it. Just fucking put me out of my misery then.”

“No,” she snapped with tears. “I **refuse** to kill you because you want me to. If I do then it’ll be when we fight. Not before.” She kicked the blade away from them both and lowered her own slightly.

Xander sighed. He had enough of this. “Okay then.” He glanced around quickly then said, “Back to the original thing. I still got food. Might be slightly burnt now, but there is enough for us both. Cease fire then?” He waited tensely for her answer.

Cassia was silent for a long time. Finally, she said quietly, “We eat and then I’m leaving.”

He eyed Cassia, and sat down and divided the hare for them. Softly, he told her, “I'd rather wait until after the plan. It needs both of us to work. Then, yes, we'll separate.”

An exhausted sigh escaped her. She wasn’t sure how much more she could take before she broke completely. But he did make a valid point. “I’ll stay then,” she replied just as softly. There was a tension between them now and Cassia had no idea on how to get rid of it.

Xander fought with his feelings. She had lambasted him with her words, and in a way, he liked and respected Cassia even more now. But they would likely both die. Why was life so _bloody complicated?_ He watched suspiciously, but Cassia didn't make any moves toward him. Of any kind. Finally, Xander tried to diffuse the situation, “That really hurt by the way. You gonna fix that? Or am I out of luck again?”

Cassia eyed him with wariness. She had basically admitted her feelings to him and he still used her as a sex relief. Men were are the same. She gave a disgusted snort, and not answering, lay down on her side of the fire with her hand curled around her knife.

_Well that went well_ , Xander thought. He pondered and then sighed. Okay then. She was way too tense. He eyed the knife and touched Cassia’s shoulder. Nothing happened, so he grew more confident and started massaging the almost rock hard muscles to get her to relax.

“Why are you doing that when you see the knife in my hand?” Cassia asked quietly. But she didn’t roll over to face him or move her knife to stop him. She just stayed in the same position and looked out into the darkness.

The answer was a soft whisper, “Because I trust you. That doesn't sound like a big deal. But for me, it is.”

Cassia turned her head more into the ground. Silent tears fell down her face and she whispered back solemnly, “You’ll die because of that trust but not from my hands. But by other hands.”

Xander kneaded into a hard spot, feeling the muscles finally give way. “The boy from twelve already tried that. He told me you died. He was wrong. It was him instead.”

“A part of me did die today. And you’re judging the others again. That will get you killed.” Cassia muttered sleepily.

“So what? They judge me too. Only you've seen the real me. And then, only glimpses.” Xander replied, starting to stroke her arms instead now that she was starting to fall asleep. He could just keep touching her silky skin. It felt right under his fingers.

Cassia felt goosebumps on her arms from where his fingers were trailing. She only let out a sigh and whispered softly, “I told you before that this will never work between us. I was right,”

Xander blew out a breath and gazed at the stars. “I know that, dammit. But I think it's a good way to spend the last days of our lives. Being with someone you care about and try to protect until you can't any more. That just seems… honorable.” He finally lay down himself and buried his face into her shoulder.

Cassia squeezed her eyes shut and her tears fell down faster. They landed on their joined hands and she wished, not for the first time, that she was back home with Gwen. At least then she never would have met him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	17. Chapter 17

“ _ All human plans (are) subject to ruthless revisions by Nature, or Fate, or whatever one preferred to call the powers behind Universe. _ ” - Arthur. C. Clarke

* * *

 

_ “Cass!” _

_ Cassia spun around to her twin’s voice. She was on the beach back home but it was on the cool months. Her breath puffed out in small, white clouds. She pulled her sweater around her tighter and glanced up at the clouds and winced. There was a bad storm was heading their way. The clouds were dark and thunder rumbled around her. It didn’t help that the ocean was growing more fierce and aggressive. The waves were becoming for rougher, choppier, and higher. Yup, it was going to be a really bad one. Her nerves started to act up and she shifted from foot to foot, looking around anxiously for her twin, but not seeing her on the beach. _

_ "Cass! Cassia! Come on, scaredy cat! I’m over here!” _

_ She started to walk towards her twin’s yells hoping that she would find Gwen soon. She had been walking for a bit, the beach going on longer than she remembered, when she heard a scream. A high pitched scream that was followed by a loud bang. _

_ Pure fear hit Cassia and she burst out into a run towards her sister’s scream. “Gwen!” she screamed out when she skidded around a bunch of rocks. Only find her sister lying on the ground. Her baby bump was showing and there was a bullet hole in the middle of her head. _

_ “ _ **_No!_ ** _ ” the scream escaped her lips desperately as Cassia collapsed on the ground beside Gwen. _

_ Her hands moved fast and wildly shook her sister’s shoulder to wake her up. But Gwen wouldn’t wake up no matter how much she tried to plead, beg, or cry. Tears fell down her face and Cassia buried her face into her twin’s shoulder. She let out a desperate, piercing scream of pain. Gwen was dead because of her. Her unborn child was dead because of her. Because she hadn’t been strong enough to protect them both. _

_ A hand wrapped around her wrist and Cassia sat up frightend but with some hope. Hoping that it was her mom or Finnick to come and save her from herself. Her hope disappeared when she saw it was the man that had tried to kill her. She let out a surprised yell and tugged on her hand harder, but he was stronger than her and yanked her hard into the sand. _

_ Cassia tugged on her hand when she felt more hands grab at her. Her head spun around wildly and she let out a whimper of fear. Along with the man, there was the girl she had killed on the first day, and the two boys. They kept good grips on her as they carried her to the ocean. She hit the icy cold water with a gasp but they didn’t push her under. No, that was left for the last figure that cast a shadow over her. _

_ “Xander?” She whispered out in confusion and fear. Was he here to save her? Cassia took a better look at him when he stepped into the light. Her eyes widened at the various bloody wounds on him and snapped her brown eyes to meet his intense blue ones. He had that dangerous fire burning in his eyes and he smirked at her in a coldness that terrified her, “Princess.” _

_ That was the only thing he said to her before he was on top of her. She felt his hands go around her throat, and the others grip her arms and legs tighter, so that she couldn’t move. She didn’t have time to fight or panic before she was shoved under the icy cold water and started to breath it in. _

Cassia woke with a beating chest, sweat smothered across her face, and coldness that she couldn’t escape had seeped and settled in her bones. Memories of the nightmare still clung to her brain, haunting her, teasing her. It took her a moment to realize that she wasn’t in her room back in District Four. She was still in the arena and it was still night out with no hint of the sun coming up.

She take a look around the spot they were in. The fire was barely there, not enough to give off very much warmth, but it gave her enough light to look around.  Darkness sagged in the corners as if hiding from the illuminating moonlight shining through the openings. Shapes danced on the rocky walls as if sensing her fear and trying to make it grow larger.

Cassia squeezed her eyes shut as the images of her nightmare and the kills she had did played in front of her eyes. Lying back down, she felt arms tighten around her, pulling her even closer, and warm breath on her neck.  _ Xander _ , the name entered her mind unwillingly. He was still here with her, and while the dream him still terrified her, Cassia couldn’t help but take in the comfort he was providing her and stayed awake for the rest of the night until the first morning rays gently hit them.

Xander woke then, as was his ingrained habit. He opened his eyes and took in Cassia. Instinctively, he brushed his hand on her jaw tenderly, then frowned as his fingers trailed down to the bruises he had left on her neck. He looked into her eyes again, wondering how she was feeling about him. They hadn't actually tried to kill each other, but still...

Cassia felt her body tense when she felt his fingers brush her neck. Memories of last night and the dream hit her and she curled her hand tighter on her knife. She moved it towards her, but other than that, didn’t raise it to him or say anything. There was a tension and wariness that she was feeling towards him and just didn’t know how to act in general.

He dropped his hand instantly as soon as she had moved the knife. Moving away, Xander glanced around carefully. Then he spoke with a slight bite, “You'd better outline the plan. We go in, do it, get out, and go. We can't stay here any longer. It was dangerous enough to do so in the first place.” He kept his gaze out and away from Cassia, but he could still see her out of the corner of his eye.

Scooting up, Cassia sat crossed legged and kept her knife in her hand. She wished desperately for her other one but it was long gone by now. Giving her knife a wistful glance, she started a rough drawing of what she had scouted out in the past two days. Outlining where she saw the Careers, she told Xander, “The two girls need to go out first. That will be easy and tricky. We’ll have to split up and go on a side each and it’ll have to be done before they get in line of Neptune’s sight. We pull them behind some rocks and kill them quickly without making hardly any sound.” She paused to see if that was okay with Xander before continuing.

He glanced over at the drawing and after a moment's hesitation, came over and sat down. He laid his sword across his legs and nodded. The only comment was, “The loose rock might be hard. But it does fall all the time. Should be okay.”

Nodding in agreement, Cassia continued, “Now, I’ll be the one closer to the loose rocks on the opposite side and in line of Neptune’s sight. It’ll be easier for me to draw him out and anger him. Then when he comes after me, I’ll lead him away and might have to fight one-on-one with him. But that will give you the time to climb up and get to the river and the other ones that are up there.” She winced at the fighting hand combat part and fingered her knife nervously.

Xander blew out a breath, and studied the rough map carefully. Then he looked up at Cassia and warningly told her, “If you do end up fighting him, just remember everything I told you. And…” here he sighed. It was a good plan. Still could go wrong. There might not be time for a plan b. “I'll do my best. One of us is going home. I'm rooting for you.”

Cassia stopped her finger movements and finally looked up at him. Wariness shone in her eyes as she asked softly, “Why? I thought you preferred your freedom over anyone.”

He admitted, “I do. But… I'm not sure it'll be me. I'm good at what I do and bullshitting my way through when I need to. But you have more to live for. Besides… there are things out there bigger than us both. I may not be the right fit.” He ran a hand through his hair and had a grim look on his face.

Cassia studied him for a long time before saying, “You have things to live for too. You just shoved them away.” She stood up after that and went to do the routine of making sure her leg wasn’t getting any worse. She took her time and left him to his thoughts.

Xander was quiet as he watched Cassia. There was dead silence between them. Finally, in a very quiet voice that Cassia had to strain to hear, he said, “I learned that if I keep pushing people away, eventually they're going to realize that it's best for their life to stay away.”

Keeping her back to him, she replied, “Your family can decide for themselves on what is best for their lives. And I can honestly say from what little you told me that they want you in their lives and don’t care who the real you is. They just want you.”

Xander only grunted. Then he glanced at the sky and tersely said, “Should we go now? Careers tend to be up late. It's early enough they should be sleepy if they're not actually asleep. Unless Neptune gets them up?” He looked at Cassia at that question, hoping she knew something about her district partner's habits.

Cassia thought back to everything Gwen had told her about Neptune. She sighed and rubbed the sides of her head. She could feel a headache coming on with all the stress and not sleeping. “He would have been up with the sun. All of them would have unless they had taken shifts during the night to keep a watch out. Even then they’ll all be up by now anyways. Don’t underestimate Neptune, Xander. I know he’s putting up a asshole front, and he is one, but...you haven’t seen him fight. He’s very deadly and dangerous when fighting. Gwen has a hard time beating him. Even though she has each time...she’s come out of it worse for wear.”

“That's the one tribute I don't underestimate. He's too much like me, Cass. Except he's got a mean streak in him a mile wide. He does toy with people like I do, and looks for any opportunity to trick you. Same as me. But one thing...He gets angry too easily. And that could be his fatal flaw,” Xander told her with a strange light in his eye. If Cassia saw herself in the boy from 7, he saw himself in Neptune, and didn't like that at all.

“I know. If we fight...he’ll use Gwen and her pregnancy against me.” Cassia admitted in acceptance. Gwen was going to be her downfall, she just knew it. But she found that she didn’t mind it if it meant Gwen was safe and sound

Xander nodded, then said, “Do you want to go now? Or wait? They'll know that it's just us and them now. We just made their job easier  by taking out the last two others.”

Cassia looked around her, thinking before saying, “We’ll go tonight when it’s dark out. Use the darkness of the night to setup and then first thing in the morning we set it in motion. But...we should move from here and rest somewhere else until then. They’ll all be out hunting and I don’t want to stay here for them to find us.”

He was agreeable to that and looked at the cliffs. “What if we go up there? There are lots of boulders there. Not much shade, but it would be harder for them to see us.”

Cassia looked at the cliffs in distaste. The memory of the boy and the rocks hit her and she flinched in guilt and fear. But he had a point. “Okay. But there are loose rocks on the cliffs and my leg is still hurt even with the medicine. You’ll have to climb up first and then help me up. I’m not sure I’ll be able to even climb halfway without any help.”

“That's okay. You keep an eye on things and take it slow. We have all day. And it's not like I can carry you up there!” He grinned for the first time.

Cassia gave him a smile that looked like a grimace. Her eyes lowered and she let out a sigh. She was exhausted from everything but knew that the nightmares would only come back. Closing her eyes briefly to gave her wits, she opened them and mumbled, “Let’s go. I want to get far away from them as I can.”

Xander led the way, and examined the cliffs. Finally he chose one and started up it and helped Cassia as well. They only had one bit of trouble, when they both started to go in a rockslide, but Xander managed to grab onto a large rock that didn't move and snag Cassia by the arm. He heaved her up ahead of them and stopped for a break. He panted with the nearness of that almost disaster, and asked, “You okay? That was close.”

Cassia breathed heavily and gripped Gwen’s necklace hard enough to leave indents in her palm. Her body shook from the near death, and she said quietly, “Thanks.”

Xander nodded, then determinedly continued. They finally reached the top, and found a handy rock that would hide their silhouettes against the sky. And they had a perfect view of most of the Arena.

Now that they were relatively safe, Cassia played with the necklace and looked around. “For an arena it has a different kind of beauty to it.” She said without really thinking.

“Every place does, I suppose,” Xander answered. He gazed about and shook his head, “I prefer more animals. But that's probably because of my district.”

“I’ll be glad to get the river. It’ll make me feel more at home. Or closer to it anyways.” Cassia said with longing.

Xander was deep in thought. He spoke aloud without really meaning to, “There is a lot of beauty in things if you look. The whiskers of a cat. The green of a leaf. A spider's web in the dew. The misty rain. The shiny hide of a well groomed horse. The curve of a woman.”

Cassia smiled faintly at the last one but it quickly disappeared. They had yet to talk about anything that had happened yesterday and thinking back on her nightmare wasn’t really helping her be relaxed around him. A part of her wanted to go back to how they had been before. But another part of her told her that it was a bad idea. That he was using her for now and would kill her like he had in her dream.

Cassia felt her muscles tense up again and her headache came back with a vengeance. She was tired, hot, exhausted, hungry, thirsty, stressed, confused, and on her way to breaking down if yesterday was any indication. She wasn’t sure how much more she could handle. She just wanted it to end already. Without even thinking, she asked him quietly, “Can you just kill me now? That way I don’t have to worry about it later on.”

Xander’s eyes snapped to her. He snapped, “What the hell, Cassia? Are you just giving up without a fight?” Reacting quickly, he had his sword at her jaw and with blazing eyes asked her, “Well? Do you still feel you want to die? Or is the life inside you struggling in want to live? And how  **the fuck** do you want me to explain this to your family?”

“Mentors can hear what’s going on in here. Mom’s probably listening. She’ll understand.” Cassia told him. But she knew it was a lie. Her mom would never understand why her daughter chose this path. And Gwen...she would be devastated and pissed at her. Could she really be selfish and take away her own pain only to leave her family with even more pain?

Cassia slumped in defeat. No, she wouldn’t be able to. If Xander where to pull the sword down on her now...she would fight back with everything she had. But she didn’t deserve to live when so many others had died in here. She wanted to live but not if it meant having to face the other’s families and trying to explain why she won and how guilty she felt.

Xander saw the change in Cassia’s eyes. He slowly slid the blade on her jaw, gauging her, then with a look of satisfaction dropped it down. He sat and leaned on the rock. The only thing he said was, “Good.”

“Not good. What does this make me?” Cassia asked torn.

He looked at her her, and quietly said, “Human. It makes you human. We aren't machines, Cassia.”

Cassia sighed and brought her legs up to her chest. “I wish I was a machine. Then I wouldn’t feel so lost.” Her voice was muffled by her knees.

Xander moved next to her. He brushed the hair out of he face and said, “It's a blessing and a curse. We feel, and often painfully, but just as often wonderfully.” He leaned back again and pulled Cassia so her head was on his chest and sighed. He was so used to pushing down those feelings. It was hard to let them show now.

Cassia tensed when he pulled her to him but relaxed unwillingly. She needed sleep but refused to actually do it. She was silent as she listened to his heart beating and the movement of his chest from breathing. She wanted to stay like this but didn’t want to. Eventually against her will, her eyes shut and she was sleeping restlessly.

Xander looked down at Cassia. He lay awake, since he had slept last night. His eyes roamed the scenery, but he made sure he didn't disturb her. He felt conflicted with her. It would never work out. So why did he put himself into this position? Because… because he needed someone like that. Xander groaned but was quiet. He told himself to stop thinking.

At last it was evening. He shook Cassia, saying, “Cass? We should eat something, then get down before it's too dark.”

Cassia blinked sleepily at him but nodded. She stumbled to sit up and took her pill. “What are we going to eat?” Her voice cracked from lack of use and water.

Xander pulled out the bag he had gotten from the boy he'd killed. There was jerky and two granola bars. “He must have been saving the stuff. Eat a bar...save the jerky,” Xander advised.

Taking a bar, she ate it in silence. If she got home she was going to go and eat at her favourite restaurant. Once they were both done, Cassia let Xander go down first and followed in his steps until they landed safely on the ground. Grunting in slight pain at the landing, she whispered, “I’ll take this side. You go over to the other one. As soon as we see the two girls, we grab them, and kill them. Then wait until I’m gone with Neptune and climb up and deal with the others.”

Xander nodded, and started to head out. But he was back in an instant and impulsively kissed her passionately. “Be safe, Princess.” Then he was gone.

* * *

Cassia kneeled in between the two boulders she had ducked behind. She was able to see the cliff Neptune would look out and the entire area of where the two girls would come. Her stomach flipped in nerves and she fingered knife nervously. She didn’t want to kill anymore, especially two Career girls, but she knew that she had to. She needed to if she wanted to get home to Gwen. 

She blew out a sigh and touched her lips like she had been doing since Xander had kissed her. They still tingled from his kiss. Why was he affecting her like this? Her goal had been so simple: do what she had to and go home. No one involved. No conflicting feelings. No feeling like she was going against everything that was  **her** . Well...the last one would have happened with or without him. He just made things more complicated.

Shaking her head, she gently slapped herself to get her head back on straight. Now was not the time to be thinking about Xander or whatever feelings she had for him. Now was the time to focus on the plan and make sure it goes as planned. Speaking of the plan, Cassia glanced up at the sky. The sun was coming up which meant that it really was time to get focused on the tasks at hand.

Pushing herself into a more ready position, Cassia made sure she was still hidden from the shadows of the rocks, and waited silently. They would have to do this at the same time or it would bring everyone down on them. Finally she heard two female voices. Peeking over the edge of the rock, Cassia locked her eyes on the figure closest to her.

A groan escaped her silently, but she counted down from three in her head. As soon as she hit one, Cassia moved swiftly and quietly and wrapped a arm around the girl’s body, pressed a hand to her mouth, and yanked her back to her spot. Quickly her knife was up at two’s throat but she didn’t have a chance to cut down on it.

The girl elbowed Cassia in the gut and managed to hook an ankle around hers, kicking her foot out. She made a grunt sound as she tried to throw her weight into it.

Cassia made a gasp of pain, but hooked her arm threw the girl’s elbow and yanked her down along with her. Cassia twisted her body at the last minute, and ignoring the pain in her leg, managed to get back on top of the girl as they hit boulders. Her knife was up again and she lunged it at the girl quickly.

The girl ducked, so her shoulder was hit but nothing more. She grimaced in pain as she grabbed Cassia’s wrist, trying to keep the knife at bay. Finally she found breath enough to snarl, “You think you're going to kill me? Neptune has told me a lot about you.  _ A lot _ .”

While the girl was talking, Cassia had noticed a rock laying at their feet. So she let the girl hit her back and take the knife from her. A dangerous move, but she landed beside the rock and pulled it into her hand without the girl seeing. Her eyes flashed up to hers and Cassia lunged at her, sending them flying into the wall this time. “Neptune knows shit about me,” was all Cassia said as she dodged the knife swing and swung the rock at her head. There was a sicking sound before the girl dropped to the ground.

Cassia breathed heavily as a fire cannon went off. Not waiting to see if she could hear another one, she snatched her knife up, keeping the rock with the girl’s blood in the other hand, and slipped out of her hiding spot. She winced in pain as she walked with a slight limp towards Neptune. Their eyes caught and she acted exactly how Gwen would have: cocky and confident.

“I think you’re missing something, Neptune! You shouldn’t be going around telling stuff about me when you don’t know me. It’s not very nice, you know.” She taunted him with sweet but cocky voice.

She cursed when she saw a glint coming at her and dove to the side. There was a bang and Cassia glanced warily at the spear that had just missed her by an inch. Well...she had done her job and got him pissed enough to get him to come after her. She tore out of there and ran back to cliffs and hoped that the rocks would make it more difficult for him to fling dangerous stuff at her.

* * *

Neptune snarled as he watched Cassia run off. No, limp off. She was injured and that would make it easier for him to chase after. Will, the brute of a boy from one, had come up beside him and saw the whole thing. Not giving him a chance to say anything, Neptune snarled in a dangerous glee, “Stay here and capture anyone that is alive.  **_She’s mine._ ** ”

He didn’t wait for an answer, but instead took off running. He quickly found the place that they had made it up and scaled down it with practiced ease. He let go a couple feet from the ground and took off in the direction that her footprints had gone: to the cliffs.

He quickly turned around a corner and saw her climbing up a mountain of rocks that had gotten in the pathway. He let out a pleased laugh and took off into a run again. Cassia was at the top by the time he hit the bottom and he quickly caught up to her. He grabbed her leg and pulled on it hard. She slid towards him and he raised his spear when her foot came up and kicked him in the face.

“ **Fuck** ,” he snarled in pain as her foot slipped from his fingers and she scrambled away. He was instantly after her and slid down the other side. He tackled her half way and they rolled down the rest of the way. Picking himself up, Neptune wiped the blood from his mouth as he watched in pleasure as she scrambled back on her hands and knees in fear. He noticed that her knife had skidded away from her and that meant she was injured and weaponless.

Neptune grinned at that observation and moved quickly. He was about to pounce on her when she rolled off to the side and he hit the ground. Only it wasn’t just the ground but a net. He grunted as he was swiped upwards and gnashed his teeth together when he felt pointed needles go into every inch of his skin. He snarled at her and used his spear to cut himself out.

Ignoring the pain, the needles, and the blood, Neptune stepped towards her and threw his spear at her. Her scream was a perfect sound of delight to his ears. He stalked over to her like a predator and pushed down on the spear that was in her side. “Cassia. Cassia. Cassia. I have to admit you got me good. Very good. That net...I wasn’t expecting that. But you aren’t Gwen. Which means that you’ll never get the best of me.”

Coughing from pain, Cassia smirked up at him. “That’s...where I...prove you...wrong.” She gasped out.

Neptune narrowed his eyes and cursed when he saw that she had her knife in her hand. But instead of using it on him, she swiped at something only she could see, before her foot came up and drove right into his stomach hard. He yelled out in a breathless pain and jerked backwards away from her. His spear was still in his hand when he hear a whooshing sound.

Then the most incredible pain come from his shoulder. He looked over to it and found a hand crafted spear sticking right through his shoulder. Snarling in pain, he quickly snapped the spear in half but left the end part in his shoulder. He spun around to kill Cassia but she wasn’t in her spot any more.

Neptune was about to go and hunt for her when he head female shouts. Turning towards them, he walked back the way he came to find Nilla walking towards him holding her bloody head.

“What in the  **fuck** happened!?” He snarled in pure fury as he grabbed Nilla’s shoulder tightly.

He watched her lips curl in disgust as she replied, “They planned a sneak attack on us. Emerald is dead. Killed by the boy from 10. Your district mate must have thought she killed me.”

Neptune went dangerously still and let out a yell of fury. She had taunted him as part of her plan! And what was worse he fell for it. He paused and grinned dangerously, “Their plan won’t be going as planned anymore. Cassia will get her due. But first...let’s deal with a little measle problem that is waiting for us at the top. My district partner likes him. Hurting him will hurt her and she’ll come for him. When she does...we kill them both.”

Sharing a grin, Neptune turned and led the way back. He may be hurt but Cassia was about to get hurt even worse.

* * *

Xander walked carefully, noting anything that might betray his presence. Every time he heard a noise, he'd freeze. He felt like the wolf he'd seen once in the forest, quietly stalking but hyper aware of everything at the same time. 

At last, he reached the other side of the camp. He saw a cleared area that seemed a  bit more private than the rest. Guessing this would be where the girls were, he headed to a hiding spot nearby. There was sand grass that he could crouch in. Xander grinned. The grass, which afforded the girls shelter from the other boys, would betray them now.

He didn't have long to wait before one of them… the girl from one… came to check her pack. Xander watched carefully. She was armed with a throwing knife and could hit him if she knew he was there. He could have surprised her there and then, but he preferred to wait. A memory of what Cassia had told him...that he toyed with his prey until he got bored or suited him. It was true. Xander’s legs were starting to ache from the sustained crouching, but still he didn't move. He wanted her closer.

Finally it happened. She went to straighten her sleeping bag and scooted closer to him. The last thing Xander remembered before leaping was her name.  _ Emerald _ .

He had his sword high but he did make a slight mistake. He stepped on a rock a stride away from Emerald, betraying his presence. But he has the element of surprise and was close when she turned suddenly.

Emerald reacted faster than he thought she would, and side stepped. He slammed his shoulder into hers though, knocking her off balance. But she had her knives in both hands now and started sparring with him. Xander had to raise his sword defensively and lightning fast to parry the blows. She was quick. But he was strong. And he was more patient. She was just hitting out, not planning on blows.

Finally Xander knew he had the upper hand. The pace of the fight was fast, but he could see her tiring. And she knew it. She knew that he had more stamina, and she was going to lose this.

Xander finally made his move. He made a sweeping motion with his leg and drove in hard with her sword. Emerald only had time to raise her knife hand when she was knocked back to the ground. She shrieked and ducked as Xander drove the sword down. He'd missed the vital place, and snarled. She had only made it harder on herself. He fixed his error, and was satisfied when the cannon fired.

Xander panted with the after effects of the fight. Then he made his big mistake. He should have been paying more attention. Instead, he failed to scout around immediately after the cannon, but only stared at the girl. She was pretty. Not as pretty as his Cassia, but still. Then he heard a sound near him, far too close.

Will moved towards the shriek quickly. He stopped in his track and stared at his dead district mate. His eyes instantly flickered up to the boy from 10 and he got ready in a fighting stance. He watched the guy move towards him but then stop. There was movement from behind Xander. He laughed loudly at the bloody walking bodies of the his...partners...came more present.

A grin made way to Will’s face and he asked in amusement, “Your district mate give you more trouble than it was worth?” The glare that he got only made him laugh harder. His grin grew wider when he saw Nilla and he turned to Xander saying, “You might as well give up now. Three against one. One of which is pretty pissed.”

Xander knew he was fucked. If he could take one of them with him, he'd be more than happy. He  **had** told Cassia he'd rather go out fighting, after all. So without a sound or warning, he threw himself on Will and grinned when he sliced his arm.

Neptune snarled in fury. He moved as fast as his wounds let him and grabbed Xander by the shoulder. Pulling him back, he brought his knee up into his chest and sent him backwards. Kicking the sword away from him, he snapped to the other two, “Get the fuck on him and hold him down.”  Once they did as he told them, he slammed a foot on Xander’s chest, he placed the spear of his throat and said deadly quietly, “You are going to wish that we just came straight out and killed you. But I won’t allow that. Not after that  **fucking bitch of a district partner** tricked me.”

Xander kept his breathing as calm as he could. He was screwed no matter which way he looked at it. But the fire blazed in his eyes. He was no stranger to torture, if that's what they wanted before they killed him. So, he glared at Neptune, but then had his cocky smile, “You seem like a man quite frustrated. But I'm thinking the only way you'll get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.”

Neptune raised his spear to kill but stopped when he saw the blood. He knew that Cassia had snuck out almost every night to see the guy, what they did, and how they partnered up. He wondered curiously of what this guy thought of her. Deciding to find out he told him with a grin, “You see the blood on the end of this spear? It’s Cassia’s. Drove it right through her stomach. I have to say if her screams of pleasure are anything like her screams of pain...I enjoy them very much. She’ll come for you and when she does...I’ll find out that answer for myself.”

Xander’s eyes flashed, and he tried to buck, but the others held him too tightly. He insulted him instead, “Really? Wow. Didn't know you had it in you. Out of 100,000 sperm, you were the fastest? Huh.”

Neptune moved fast. He swung down with his spear and made a nice long cut over his eye, warning him, “Next time I won’t be so nice and you’ll lose your eye.”

Xander had to breathe through the pain. He blinked to  check that his eye was still working, and felt the blood running above  and below in his cheek. He grunted, “You don't scare me. I've felt worse. Do what you want.”

Kneeling down, Neptune harshly grabbed his chin and forced him to look at him, “It’s not yourself that you should be worried about. You should be frightened of what I have planned for Cassia when I get her. Because you will watch her slow, torturous death with the knowledge that you couldn’t do a single thing to save her. You just made it so much worse for her.”

Xander snarled at Neptune’s touch. He wanted to kill the guy here and now, but he was helpless. “Don't underestimate her. She's a lot smarter than you. You should watch that attitude of yours. Just because you have one…” here Xander looked significantly down, “Doesn't mean you gotta act like one.”

Neptune watched him with an unreadable face. Ignoring the pain in his shoulder, he stood up and walked over to Nilla’s side. Grabbing Xander’s arm from her, and twisting it backwards, he told Nilla calmly, “Do whatever you wish to do to him.”

Nilla grinned in delight. Walking in front of Xander, she bent over and purred, “Let’s get this top off of you. Then you’ll get something from it.” Reaching down, she cut his shirt off with one of her throwing knives. She didn’t care that she cut in deep, leaving long, red cuts on him.

Xander gritted his teeth, but said nothing. It hurt what she was doing, but the memories flashed through him. It didn't hurt as much as what had happened before. So he only glared at Nilla and chewed his tongue lightly to try and not react.

Nilla raised an eyebrow in surprise at the scars that littered his back. “You really are a bad boy. Lucky for you then...I love bad boys.” She told him with a smile as she trailed a finger down his chest.

Xander shivered lightly at her touch. He flicked his eyes up at her. He knew what she was doing. And it was working. He was getting turned on, even if it was the last thing he wanted. He squirmed uncomfortably, but then in a flash of anger, he spat on Nilla.

Wiping the spit from her face, Nilla wagged a finger at him in disappointment. “Now, now. That wasn’t really nice.” She made sure that Neptune and Will had a good grip on him before sliding into his lap. Pressing her knife against Xander’s chest, she leaned over and whispered alluringly in his ear, “I can make your last time very pleasurable before you die. I know you want me. I can feel you. It’ll be the best punishment you get while you’re still with us.”

Xander groaned as she wiggled on him. This wasn't fair at all. He bucked a few times, trying to get away, before realising he was making the whole situation worse. He studied Nilla, then decided to play along for the  moment. He purred back in the way that drove most girls wild, “I think I like the bondage thing. Nilla… those lips… kiss me, honey.”

Nilla laughed and pulled away and off of him totally. “Sorry, but I think I’ll let Neptune have his fun with you.” She told him with a wink as she went back to her original spot.

Neptune walked around Xander and studied him. Finally, he said, “Let’s bring him back to camp and tie him up out in the open. We’ll add as many scars to his chest that he has on his back. We can each take turns.”

Xander struggled as they started to move him. He did manage to snap at Neptune, “I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works for you. I still ain't afraid. And you'll get your comeuppance one day sooner than you think.”

Neptune didn’t look back as he led the way back to camp, “Will that be before or after I kill her?”

“Does it matter? We are all haunted by something." Xander remembered what Cassia had told him, and also used some guesswork. “For you...you want your parents to pay attention to you. Well guess what? If you come back a beast, you'll drive them away. You'll drive everyone you know away from you. And that girl you liked? She'll be scared shitless of you. You'll be alone for the rest of your days, however long that may be. Perhaps you'll end up killing yourself. Well, good riddance if you do. Everyone will be quite relieved when you're gone.”

Neptune listened in silence and paused when they got back to camp. Tying Xander up, with knots only known to four,  he told the other two, “Have your fun with him now and get it out of your system. Once you both are done...he’s mine.” With that he walked away and went to look out at the arena. He would not miss Cassia this time. As soon as he saw her...she was dead on the spot.

Xander grunted as Will punched him. He was done insulting them. The goal now was to keep as silent as he could through whatever they did to him. Which right now seemed to be trying to give him as many bruises as possible. Xander knew the game. Start cutting a bruise, and you'll bleed quite a lot. He did wish that they would get on with it. He hoped Cassia was safe, and that she'd get that asshole Neptune after this.

  
  
  
  


 

 


	18. Chapter 18

“ _If there’s a single lesson that life teaches us, it’s that wishing doesn't make it so. Words and thoughts don’t change anything. Language and reality are kept strictly apart — reality is tough, unyielding stuff, and it doesn't care what you think or feel or say about it. Or it shouldn't. You deal with it, and you get on with your life_.”  ― Lev Grossman, The Magicians

* * *

 

Cassia wished for many things as she lay curled up on the ground out of sight from Neptune and the other two Careers. She wished she had been faster and not hurt her leg. She wished that her new, bloody side wound wasn’t hurting now. She wished that she never met Xander. She wished that her mom hadn’t pissed Snow off. She wished she was back home with Gwen. She wished for everything to be over with. A part of her wished for a death that wouldn’t be coming to her that night.  She wished like hell that her plan had gone better and then she wouldn’t be in this mess.

Yes, she wished for many things. But none of which would come true.

She hadn’t been fast enough and had gotten injured. She had gotten a new wound thanks to Neptune. Did it hurt? It hurt like absolute hell and wouldn’t stop bleeding. Thankfully Neptune’s spear didn’t go straight through to the other side.  Her wish to being back home with Gwen would hopefully happen soon. She missed her twin more than words could describe. And everything seemed to be happening right away which meant that she might be going home sooner than she realized. The wish for death...she wasn’t sure if she would ever stop wishing for that one. A part of her had been wishing for it since her first kill. She had blood on her hands now and she would be scarred for life from it all.

Her heart squeezed painfully as she thought about her plan. It had gone so badly near the end and it was all her fault. Cassia had cursed herself up and down when she had seen Nilla up and talking to Neptune. It was one of the first things Gwen and her had learned in self-defense: _make sure that the person is dead before you go off. It could cost you your life._ Only this time it hadn’t been her life, but Xander’s life that she had ruined.

_Maybe this is a good thing? This way Neptune can kill him and I won’t have to worry about it._ The thought came to her and she winced at it. No...that wouldn’t be a good thing. Would it? It would save her the trouble of having to kill him later on. Then she would only have to worry about Neptune and the two other Careers. Then she would be one step closer to home and to her wish of forgetting about him. It would be like she had never met him.

But she had changed in ways she would never have thought because she had met him. Hadn’t she or was that just her imagination? No, she had changed. When she had first arrived at the Capitol she had kept to herself, pushed everyone away, and she had been so unsure of herself. But now...she knew she had a chance if she put her mind to it.

Even though she had changed it didn't change the fact she **needed to win**. She needed to get back home to Gwen. She just couldn't up and leave her sister and mom by themselves. They were a lot alike...they would pull away from each other. They wouldn't be a family anymore...she couldn't let that happen!

But that would mean leaving Xander to die. Would it be better to just let Neptune have him and kill him? Neptune would surely drag it out but in the end Xander would die by his hands.

_No. I can’t start thinking like that yet. He may have been captured, and god knows what is happening to him, but he needs me! Even if I shouldn’t...I need to save him. For my own self. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t at least try something. But first...I need to patch myself up and think of a plan to get him out. For that to happen I need to get back to our campsite._ Cassia thought to herself with some determination.

Grunting in pain, Cassia hissed as she looked down at her stomach wound. It was bleeding profoundly and she needed get back to their old camp.

She sighed and pushed herself up. She pressed a hand to her wound. Her leg was starting to throb and she was just thankful that the stitches had held.

Cassia looked out into the dark and sighed again. This was going to be a long and slow walk. The only comfort was that when it got dark she would blend right in. That was one blessing she was thankful as she started the walk back to the old camp.

* * *

 

Xander leaned back and grunted. He hurt like hell. His body was laden with bruises. They had cut him a few times, and the one on his face hurt the most. He wished they had just skipped the torture and gone straight to the killing part. Well, what could you expect from Careers? They were trained that way. To be ruthless killers.

That made him think. He could be a ruthless killer too if he wanted to be. And he _hadn't_ been trained that way. Xander shook his head. He didn't want to think about that. Think about something else. Something pleasant. Away from the current situation.

Cassia popped in to Xander’s mind. Cassia. She was so lovely. He hoped she was safe. She deserved to win. She had a lot going for her at home. People who loved her. And would welcome her with open arms. If only some of those arms were his own.

Xander grunted as he tried to change position. Now why had he thought of that? The simple truth. He couldn't imagine life without her. She had been the only person he'd truly opened up to. She had been just right for that. He felt safe with her.

Safe? He didn't need protection from anyone! He was just as dangerous as the next man! No… it was true. He was able to let that armour go when he was with Cassia. She told him as it was, but was accepting of who he was too.

Xander told himself to stop beating around the bush. The simple fact was he loved her. But he didn't know how to say that. Does one just blurt it out? Just let it be known in kisses? In making love? How? With all the girls he'd lain with, not once had Xander ever said those three little words. And he wasn't sure how to start.

Well, it was too late now. If he read Neptune right, he'd be killed soon. Likely they wanted Cassia. Would he be killed first, or her? Xander growled to himself, and winced with the pain that brought. If only he had his sword. But then again, this just might solve a few problems. He wouldn't have to destroy his lover. Or vice versa.

Fuck that. It wasn't fair play. No one should have to sit there and get tortured for someone's mind games. He'd fight as long as he could. And come what may with Cassia.

* * *

 

Cassia was panting in pain by the time she made it halfway back to the campsite. Well, she hoped it was halfway or at least close. She couldn’t take much more of the pain or losing so much blood. She wouldn’t be able to make it back to camp at this rate.

Hopelessness hit her hard. This was useless...so useless. She may have been taught from the best of the best, read everything that could be applied to the games, but all that information turned out to be useless to her now.  Now when she stuck in the middle of a _fucking_ desert, probably bleed to death because she wasn’t near her bag which had the tools she needed to stop said bleeding.

A sob escaped as she sank down against the rocky wall. It scratched her back and she could feel the temperature starting to drop as night came out. She looked around with watery eyes in hopelessness for anything. But the only thing she had on her was her one knife and some dry plants nearby that would make good for fire.

Cassia shivered slightly from the cold air. She missed Xander’s body heat. She had gotten so used to having him next to her to keep her warm that she had forgotten what it was like to be cold at night. Then she heard a small, bell like in the air above her head.

Watching the box land near her, Cassia reached over and picked it up. Her eyes flickered down to the note and squinted her eyes to read what it said.

  _You look like you could use this. Lucky for you I struck lucky enough to get a sponsor each that were very generous for each of you to win. Only the best for the both of my tributes. - F._

A frown made a way to her lips in concern. For both of his tributes Finnick had written. Which meant that Neptune got a box too. It worried her that Finnick might have gotten Neptune something dangerous like a weapon, but she couldn’t blame him. He had to play by the rules too.

Sighing softly, Cassia opened the box to find two things in it. The first time was something she didn’t recognize. It looked like a round metal rod. She picked it and ran her fingers over it. It was cool to touch and she had no idea what it was used for. Putting it back down, Cassia took the wrap covered bundle.

A gasp escaped her as she looked down in awe at it. Inside the wrapping was her mother’s dagger. The one that she had used to win her own hunger games. How on earth did Finnick manage to get her this? By this point in the games the prices on everything were crazy scary. Lots of tributes didn’t get enough sponsors to buy them a slice of bread at this point let alone an expensive weapon like her mom’s. The dagger was beautiful. It had a 7” blade that was sleek and dangerous looking, along with an ivory grip - the pommel, the very end of the hilt or grip if Cassia remembered Gwen’s words right, had come to a point which looked, and had been used by her mother, to strike at a person’s head or temple.

_I don’t understand. Why would Finnick get me mom’s dagger when I have my own knife. Unless…_ Cassia trailed off her thought as she picked up the first item again. Her eyes studied it, trying to figure out it did and why Finnick would give her mom’s dagger. It was obvious to her now that she needed to use her knife on it but how.

Picking up her knife, she held it in her hand with the rod in the other. Shifting away from the box and herself, Cassia brought down her knife on it. She jumped and dropped both items as sparks came out from it and she stared at it in surprise.  Then her eyes went wide with excitement. The rod was meant to be used as a means to start a fire!

As best as she could, Cassia grabbed all of the stuff around her to build a small nest of small tinder. Then she started experimenting on how to actually use this rod properly. It took her a few tries but she finally figured out the best way. First, she needed to hold the rod close to the tinder at about a 45-degree angle. Second, she needed to place her knife at the top of the rod. She had found out the hard way that to create sparks and not hurt yourself that the knife needed to make solid contact with the rod. Lastly, she had to pull the rod back away from the tinder with a slow and steady motion.

Cassia let out a joyous laugh as warmth of the small fire hit her. She basked in its warmth before looking down at her knife and then to her mother’s dagger. She hesitated as she looked down at her wound and then to the fire. She knew what she needed to do and she didn’t want to do it. But it seemed to be the only way to get the bleeding to stop.

Sighing, Cassia said farewell to the blade that had gotten her far in this game and placed it into the roaring fire. She held it there for about five minutes and pulled it out. The knife wasn’t red hot like she thought it would be like. Instead it looked just like a normal blade expect with heat coming off it and stared at the blade in anticipation.  Looking around, Cassia grabbed a nearby branch, stuck it in her mouth, and leaned back against the wall. Reaching over, she uncovered her wound and breathed heavily in fear. This was going to hurt badly. Squeezing her eyes shut tightly, she pressed the knife to wound and screamed in pain.

The pain was the worst thing she had ever felt before. It shot through her and consumed every nerve in her body. She was barely aware of the knife slipping from her fingers as she dropped down to the ground. Her eyes blurred at the fire briefly before she let the darkness take over.

* * *

 

Xander sat with eyes half closed. He was still tied, and he appeared to be out of it. Quite the contrary. He was watching them carefully. Slowly twitching every muscle group, he bit back a groan. Well, he just plain fucking hurt. And getting thirsty. When he realized that, he jerked himself up a bit more.

He wasn't quite sure what the others were doing, but whatever it was, it would involve searching for Cassia. He hoped she'd come up with a different plan, since this one was obviously screwed up. He needed to be on the ball. Seeing Will go by, he swallowed his pride and asked, “Water...please?”

Will stopped and sneered at him, “And why should we share our water with a dog like you?”

Xander shrugged, “I'm thinking you wanna keep me alive for a purpose. If I don't get some, I'll be dead sooner than you want.”

The guy had a point. Will considered for a moment. This tribute didn't need any of their food. And they _did_ have more water than they could drink. But he wasn't going to help him drink… that was for babies. That meant one of two things: denying him. Or switching his hands to the front so he could drink himself. Deciding the latter would be better so the guy could be kept alive for Neptune, he called to Nilla, “Come and help me with this idiot. Don't want him crawling away, after all.”

Nilla grinned as she twirled her knives in each hand. Putting one away into her bag, she stalked over to Will and Xander. Pressing the knife against Xander’s cheek, she said, “He’s smarter than that. He knows if he tries anything to hurt us or escape Neptune will let us kill him immediately. We just needed him alive for the night to reassure that spoiled brat her play thing was still alive and to make sure she would come to us. We don’t need him anymore.”

Xander grunted as Will cut his hands free, then yanked them painfully forward and lashed them together again. He inwardly sighed as he watched the knots being made. There would be no way for him to get free unless he could cut it. But after that, a cup of water was pressed into his hands and he gratefully drank his fill. Xander didn't bother snapping at Nilla, knowing she would just hurt him more for the fun of it.

Now that he was refreshed, he was far more alert. Still fucking hurt everywhere. But he pretended he couldn't move much. Which, to be honest, wasn't that far off the mark. Xander’s eyes darted everywhere, and then caught a very slight movement in the long grass. A movement that could be an animal. Or a person.

Cassia moved through the long grass silently. It had been a long night and an even longer morning. Her side with the burn was killing her along with her leg throbbing, but this needed to be done soon. She needed to rescue Xander and it hadn’t been until she got back to the camp when she came conscious again that she had noticed the bow and arrows by Xander’s bag. She had grabbed an arrow and after finding out it could be flung like a knife -sort of like a knife as in it was too wobbly in the air - she had come up with a plan and collapsed into a painful sleep.

She had the arrows clutched in her hands tightly but had left the bow back to the safe spot she had moved to earlier. The bow itself was useless to her, but the arrows were far more useful. She stopped in spot where she could see everything and watched. She would wait until Will was by himself before making a move. She didn’t want to take on all three of them.

Xander stared at the spot, then looked away. If it was Cassia, he didn't want to draw attention. He wasn't stupid. Finally, _finally_ he saw the other three get up. Hunting time? Will sauntered over him and kicked him the side, making him hiss and double over. “We're going to look for your precious girlfriend. And then have fun with you both.”

“And...shit that hurt...leaving me...alone? Is that...smart?”

Good point. Will turned to ask Neptune, “Think he's safe on his own? I mean, he ain't going anywhere.”

Neptune looked around carefully. His eyes swept over the area taking everything in. “Stay with him Will. Cassia is smart. I’ll give her that much. Better safe than sorry. Keep up your guard.” Neptune told him.

Will pouted at that. He knew perfectly well once the two were gone, it would be the three of them turning on each other. But perhaps Nilla would. Then he could finish her off. Fine. He'd stay. After watching them leave, he glared at Xander, but picked up the prisoner's weapon. It really was a beautiful sword. He grinned as Xander’s eyes burned into him but just kept on studying the sword.

Cassia blew out a soft breath as she moved around to watch Neptune and Nilla leave for good. She made her way back to her original spot after the two had become distant spots. She would only have a short amount of time to do this before they came back. Her plan was kill whoever was watching Xander, get Xander out while the other two were hunting, and leave no traces. She had managed to get the first step done. Now onto the second.

She raised the arrow and frowned slightly. It was different than knives or even tridents she was used to throwing. But there was no way in hell she was going to lose her mother’s dagger and her own knife had been ruined with the fire and wound thing. Even if it didn’t work and she only grazed Will….then maybe it would be enough to get him into the long grass and kill him in here. She had the slight advantage after all. So with that plan in mind, Cassia threw the arrow and watched as it buried itself into Will’s shoulder.

Will gave a cry of pain and spun to face… no one. The next moment he was flat on the ground. He'd forgotten Xander was so close, and the guy had kicked him. Writhing with the arrow sticking out of him, Will cursed. But Xander had managed to snag his own sword back, and with a few hacks, had gotten his hands free. His strength was already ebbing, so he knew he had to be fast. “Cass! Your kill? Or mine?” He asked, with the sword already at Will's throat. Even in this crisis, he wanted to be fair.

Cassia stayed hidden in the grass but dropped the arrows to the ground. She picked up her mother’s dagger, got a good feel for it, before she flung it. This time it landed on its actual mark: buried deep into Will’s head. She waited until she hear the cannon go off before stepping out of the grass after she picked up the arrows again.

She walked up to Will’s body and tugged out her mom’s dagger. Taking out her old ruined dagger, she placed the old one back into Will’s head. “There now Neptune will know who actually killed him.” She muttered to herself.

Xander grinned before wincing. His face hurt too much for that just yet. But that gave him an idea. “Hang on.” He lifted his sword and deliberately cut Will's face twice. “There…. Looks better...too. Now...cut...me loose...and let's...get...the fuck...out of here.”

Cassia knelt down and cut off the rest of his bonds. Helping him up by throwing his arm over her shoulder, she grunted out, “Let’s go. I found a new spot that I moved to.”

Xander groaned as he moved. He almost collapsed with that first step, but sheer will power made him keep his feet. Now was not the time to give in to what he wanted. Release from his pain. Sleep. He had to move. If only to merely keep Cassia safe. One step. Then another.

* * *

 

Cassia grunted from pain and effort as she half-dragged, half-carried Xander back to her safe spot. Neptune wouldn’t follow. Not tonight. Which she was glad for because it gave her a chance to look over Xander’s wounds.

She got them back to the camp and gently lowered him onto the ground, being mindful of his wounds, and gently stroked his face once before dabbing at them to stop the bleeding.

Xander was still a bit in shock, especially with the rescue. He blinked up at Cassia, and finally spoke, his voice cracking for once, “You… came back. Why… did you… do such… a… **stupid** … thing?”

Keeping her eyes on the task at hand, her answer was soft, “Because I care about you. A lot more than I should.”

He hissed in pain when she went over a deep gash. Taking a sharp breath, he said, “You know… what? I… found a...bigger… asshole… than me.”

Cassia let out a watery laugh. Her eyes filled with tears and she let them fall. She had missed his bluntness. “I never thought that I would see you again.” She whispered softly as the tears fell harder.

He shook his head and winced at the pain that brought. Firmly, he told Cassia, “You should...have left… me. I… was willing… to die. They… would never...have broken… me. No one...can ever...do that.” He groaned again in pain as he tried to shift to a more comfortable spot, unsuccessfully.

“I could never have left you to die. I can’t...not when...I...when I….” She trailed off as she pushed him down gently.

Pushing away his clothing, Cassia started to gently scrub away the blood and dirt. Her nose scrunched up as she thought on what she was going to say.

_I love you._

Three simple words that held a lot of meaning. It wasn’t ideal to be thinking...no feeling...like this. Not when she had so much at stake and so close to the end. But it was true. She loved him. Maybe that wasn’t right. She wasn’t in love with him....more like starting to fall in love with him. Yet, it was still love and the thought terrified her.

He made her feel funny but in a good way. He had kept her going through this whole experience. But he would die. So could she. But she was determined to make it home to Gwen. Besides, they had made a promise to never let a guy come between them again. And Xander was an obstacle standing between her and her twin.

Cassia went to tell him that she would be leaving after she tended his wound. She really meant too, but the words that came instead were, “I love you.”

Her hands froze and her eyes widened. Kept her eyes down, her mouth in a straight line, and her hands trembled. Why had she gone and blurted that out? It was inappropriate but right. Cassia let out a soft, tired sigh. She was exhausted of fighting herself about this. Maybe it was time to take another page out of Gwen’s book and just let the pieces fall where they may. She obviously had no control over what she was going to say or do.

Xander locked eyes with her. She was serious. Very much so. He could see it in her expression, her eyes, and the tremble of her fingers. He winced as he reached to cup her chin. “Princess. **My** princess,” was the only thing he could say. He didn't know how to express his feelings. He sucked in a breath as he pulled himself up and kissed her. He couldn't go as hard as he had wanted, but the fact that she was _there_ was enough for him.

Cassia gasped for breath and she pulled away slightly. She knew that he wasn’t good with feelings and she wasn’t sure what she meant to him, so she asked softly, “Show me how you feel about me. In anyway. I just...I just need some kind of answer in return.”

Sighing, Xander laid his head on Cassia’s shoulder. He breathed in her scent and felt himself relax. In a whisper, he replied, “You are...my world. In a way… that has...never happened before. I need you. I want you.” He moved again and gasped with the pain. “Please. Let me have you. Take my pain away.”

Brushing her fingers across his face, down his neck, and to his chest. “Okay. Let me take your pain away I...I just don't want to hurt you anymore than you already are...” She whispered against his hair.

He sucked in a breath as he moved carefully. “You...just let me...worry about that.” He started to kiss her, but then abruptly pulled back. “Are you doing this… out of pity… or because… you want it? I…” he winced as he touched the new gash on his face, “I must look… like a… monster.”

Cassia gently cupped the good side of his face. Softly she kissed his forehead, his eyes (being careful of the gash), his cheeks, his chin, his nose, and finally his mouth. “I have seen monsters and you look nothing like them.” She told him honestly.

Xander sighed in relief. “Thank you. I…” he was at loss for words for a moment, a rarity for him. Then he smiled, “You’ve been such…a strength to me. I know I act the tough guy. And I am...but you… keep me going. Thank you for seeing the inner me. And making me feel whole.”

Cassia sobbed. She buried her face into his shoulder and tightened herself around him. This was it...more than likely their last night together and it hurt her heart so much with that knowledge. Very much like on their last night in the stables, she just cried from everything.

A groan of pain came from Xander’s lips as he shifted position. He finally leaned back with a sigh. “I… wanted to make love to you. But I can't. I'm not strong enough. Hurt too much. I'm sorry, Princess.”

Cassia shook her head. She lay next to him and whispered, “I didn’t want sex anyways. I just want you to hold me. I just need to know you are here.”

Xander wrapped his arms around her and was quiet for a long time. When he spoke, it was with a note of remembrance, “Can I tell you something my grandmother said that I never forgot? I think it'll help you.”

Hiccupping, Cassia nodded but couldn't find her voice.

He caressed her face, then told her, “I wasn't supposed to hear this. But she and my grandfather were in a heated argument. He was going to do something that was dangerous. He had brought his friend to help out, but she caught them. I never forgot what she said. _I've battled my whole life to become the strong woman I am today. If you think you can take me down after all that I've already been through, give it your best shot. You will not succeed._ ”

Cassia went silent before saying quietly, “I'm only strong when I have people that are stronger than me around.”

“You are strong enough, Princess. After what you did… letting yourself love me, coming back for me, and your reasons for doing this for your sister… you are strong enough. Soon, you'll be stronger than anyone.”

Cassia took a deep and shaky breath. She didn't say anything but instead relished in his presence. Her mind went over everything that had happened since they had met and she asked hesitantly, “Xander?”

“What, Princess?”

“We were never careful. A mistake can happen from it.” She muttered softly.

He laughed gently, “I am not usually careful. And I don't think anything we did is a mistake. You are worth everything. Including getting tortured for. Wait that **did** happen. Oops.” He gave a wry grin, but his expression told her he had no regrets.

This time the question came out breathless, only letting him hear, “What...what if I'm pregnant? I can't raise a child in the same way I was.”

Xander was surprised at the question. He shook his head and had a bite in his voice, “Then get rid of it. That's what the others did. You don't want a kid turning out like me. I don't care what you do.” He couldn't help the walls starting to come up again, but he didn't want to think about such things.

Cassia felt anger flash in her and she hissed at him, “If you for one second honestly think I would get rid of an innocent life that **I'm carrying inside me**...then you don't know me all that good. I said I can't raise it that way...never once said I wouldn't. Besides I would make sure as hell it didn't turn into your bad qualities.”

Staring at Cassia, Xander considered her. Finally he was content to shrug it off, “Well anyway. I don't think it'll happen. And I won't be around anyway. So, don't worry about it. Let's just focus on living another day.”

Cassia huffed and smacked him in the chest for his blunt honesty. Gently pushing him off her and back onto his back, she got herself decent before going back to tending his wounds in silence.

When he saw the numbing cream in her hand, Xander grabbed at Cassia’s wrist. “Don't bother with that. Save it for yourself. You want that leg strong.”

“My leg is fine. So is my side.” Cassia snapped testily. She jerked her wrist from his grip and went about putting on the cream whether he liked it or not.

Growling softly at the feeling of her rubbing the wounds, he watched with a glare. After the stuff had kicked in, he was calmer. Then he half grinned, “You'd have been useful after my floggings. Make me feel better, bite my head off for being stupid, but not blaming me anyway. And your hands always feel nice.”

Cassia sighed as she held the now empty bottle of cream. Hopefully her leg didn't start hurting. Digging through her bag, she came back with two of her pills. Giving him a glare, she told him sternly, “Take these without a fight. Or I will shove them down your throat myself.”

Now Xander laughed genuinely. He loved her like this. It was rather refreshing. But to keep up appearances, he pretend snapped, “Fine. Might have barfed them on you anyway if you tried that.” He swiped the pills and tossed them back in his throat with a gulp. “Wouldn't have any liquor on you? Would have gone down better,” he teased.

Cassia rolled her eyes but slid down next to him. Laying her head on his chest, she just lay there in silence. “I want to make it home.” she whispered after a long time.

Nuzzling her hair, he replied, “So do I. I mean, I want you to make it home too. There's not that many people to miss me anyway.”

Cassia sighed but didn't say anything as to not start a fight. There would be more fighting coming sooner or later. Probably sooner. Her mind went back on the conversation and she asked softly, knowing that this might piss him off, “If I were to have your child...what would you hope for?”

Xander couldn't help the rumble in his tone, “No. We're not going there.”

“Please? I...need to know. You talk about all the other girls that were pregnant but when it gets to me...you just shut down completely!” Cassia said in hurt.

Xander closed his eyes. He couldn't have told why he felt this way. But he just did. Nevertheless, the last thing he wanted was to hurt Cassia. That would happen soon enough. He wanted to be silent, but it just popped out, “A boy.”

Cassia was surprised. “A boy? What does he look like?” She asked as she shut her eyes to try and picture the child.

Pondering that, he slowly answered, “I'm not sure. I like my eyes best of my features. He should have them. I like the colour of your hair. Perhaps that, but straighter, like mine. Skin could go either way. No predicting that.” He shrugged and fell silent.

Cassia hummed happily. “I can see a girl.” She said at last.

He looked over at her with that one, and asked, “Did you talk names with your sister?”

“I did. She didn’t. She would rather not think about it until after the baby is born. Something about getting attached to soon. I don’t see how she couldn’t get attached...she’s carry it inside her. But going back to your question...I like the names Hali and Maya for girls. If it is a boy Zeke or Bo.” Cassia told him with a soft smile. She really wanted to be there to meet her niece or nephew.

Xander nodded, then brusquely said, “Well then. Should we actually find out how pissed Neptune is?”

“No,” she let out slip out. “Just...let’s have this one last night to ourselves. We’ll go tomorrow morning.” Cassia said reluctantly.

He was very agreeable to that and snuggled in as much as his wounds allowed. He needed her warmth and comfort. And he knew she needed his. And this was something else new. Wonderingly, he admitted, “You know what? I've actually only learned snuggling with you. Thanks.  

Cassia hummed sleepily, the events of the day and night before catching up to her. She would have answered but she was lulled into what would be her last good night sleep for a long time.


	19. Chapter 19

 

 

_“The fear of death follows from the fear of life._  
A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”   
  
 -- Mark Twain

* * *

 

Xander groaned as he woke after a very short sleep. He looked over at Cassia, and drank her in. Life just wasn't fair, was it? At least it hadn't been to him. Shaking his head, he tossed those thoughts away. You played the hand you were dealt. Even if the cards were crap.

He snapped his eyes around him, taking in the surrounding area. He grunted as he sat up, wincing. Then he saw the extra blood on the sand. He had been so out of it yesterday, he hadn't noticed that Cass was hurt too.

Cursing, he rolled her over and inspected the wound. Not too bad. He was washing it out with cacti water when she stirred.

Cassia groaned in pain and tried to roll away from the pain. Her eyes blinked open and she looked down to see what was bothering her. She grunted when she saw what he was doing and closed her eyes. “Neptune got me with his spear when he came after me. Couldn’t get away in time.” She told Xander softly.

He made a non-committal sound as he did his best. Then he flicked his gaze at her face and shrugged. “That's how he got me around my eye. Except I was mouthing off to him.”

Cassia blew out a sharp breath and sat up with a grunt of pain. Pushing his hands off her, she fixed her shirt and said, “We need to go and find them. Better than them finding us. We are down to the final four...gamemakers are going to make sure we run into each other.”

Looking about, Xander suggested, “Why don’t we head down to that fucking river like we've been trying to all along? For one, we get a drink. Two, we can actually do something with these wounds. Three, they'll not want to leave such an easy source of water.”

Cassia sighed and pressed a hand to her head. Her other hand curled against the necklace and squeezed. “They won’t be easy to fight. Neptune is going to be absolutely furious and will want revenge. And Nilla will want revenge too. They’re going to have the upper hand if we go to them. They know the area better than we will.” Cassia talked to herself nervously.

Grunting as he stood up. Cocking his head, he thought out loud, “They do, that. Will they expect us though? Or perhaps we go either downriver or up and pick a spot and make them come to us. Or… we separate as we planned in the first place.” Xander didn't like that idea, but it had to be said.

Cassia went still at the suggestions. She didn’t like any of them, but there was one she would rather do over the rest. “I guess we separate then.” She said quietly. She knew she couldn’t be around when either of their deaths came. It would be too hard to witness either way.

Xander rubbed the bridge of his nose. He was silent, but nodded acceptingly. But he looked at her, and pleadingly asked, “Then, one more kiss, Princess. Before we go from lovers to enemies.”

Cassia looked away from him and shook her head. “We really shouldn’t. It’ll make it harder and I’ll...want to stay.” But she didn’t move away from him either. Reluctant to actually leave him just after she had told him that she loved him.

His lip curled slightly, and he told her, “You know, most people think I don't pay attention to the rules. But that's not true. I do, so I can break them.” He laid his hand on her arm, cupping her chin with the other hand, and let his piercing blue eyes bore into her soul.

Cassia's breath caught in her throat at his gaze. Her body moved forward and she reached up to kiss him hard.

Xander moaned into her, and he poured out all his feelings for her in that kiss, including desperation and regret, but love bubbled to the surface. Abruptly, Xander pulled away. He paused with burning eyes on Cassia, then turned away and walked off resolutely. He didn't look back once.

Cassia panted hard from the kiss. She was glad that Xander had walked away when he had. It had been about to go in the opposite direction of what they had agreed to do. She watched after him before turning the other way to go.

* * *

 

Xander walked away, far away. It tore out his very heart to leave her, but he must. He'd get that bastard Neptune. The thing to do was track him. He was injured too, so he couldn't have gone far from his camp. Xander decided that it was the best plan. If he wasn't there, then he'd be close by. Or perhaps he should follow Cassia? Torn, Xander stood still. Then he chose a direction, and headed there.

Cassia winced in pain. Without the cream her leg was starting to hurt again and there was a feeling like something was dribbling down it. Plus having Xander try and clean out her burnt side wound had made it hurt more than it was. Her hand pressed against her leg and came away bloody. The stitches must have broken.

Worry prickled in her mind that she needed to do something about the bleeding. Looking around for something to help her with, Cassia let out a “Fuck off.” when she saw the sand behind her.

There was a trail of blood droplets leading anyone straight to where she was going. That was bad. Very bad. She chewed on her in worry and pressed her hand against it again in hopes that it would help slow the blood down.  Then she started to limp away, hunched over to keep pressure on it, looking for a good place to rest.

Picking up speed slightly when she heard the littlest sound, Cassia walked aimlessly until she heard a gentle rush of water. Perking up at the sound, she eagerly walked towards it and grinned widely when she saw a small waterfall that led to a small river that led down into the caves. She knew that they had been connected! Humming happily to herself at the find, Cassia made her way to the river bank.

Carefully, Cassia kneeled on the soft bank of the river. She took a deep breath in and smiled wistfully. While there wasn’t any salty air to it the river smelled like ocean back home. She felt a pang of longing before shaking her head and leaning over the water. She had better clean out her wounds to try and wash off the grim and blood from her body. She didn’t want a worse infection to start up again.

It was when she looked into the water and saw the reflection of a person behind her. Cassia didn’t think, but acting instinctively, dove into the water. She heard a knife hitting the sand on where she had been and scrambled up into a fighting stance.

Nilla huffed at that. She instantly pushed herself into a roll, swiping the knife on the way, and came up standing. She was gripping both her throwing knives in her hands, and matched Cassia’s stance. “Time for round two, is it? Don't worry… when I kill you, I'll make sure you're dead.”

Cassia gnashed her teeth together but raised her own dagger. She didn’t bother answering Nilla, instead watching her every move carefully. She just had to picture that she was fighting back home with Gwen...only that Gwen wasn’t trying to kill her and Nilla was.

Nilla prowled on the edge of the sand. She didn't want to go into the water. But it was looking like she may have to. Indecision crossed her face, then she put one foot in. Hissing at Cassia, she told her as she made an experimental thrust, “You know… Xander was delicious. He never yelled when we tortured him. All those scars… did they turn you on like they did for me?”

Cassia could practically hear her mom yelling at her _do **not** to fall for the tricks, to keep calm and think _from wherever she was watching from. So she kept her calm, only letting her irritation show by the narrowing of her eyes. She smiled as she watched Nilla slip, “What do you think they did to me? This right here...it’s my turf. Looks like you’re having a tiny bit of trouble.”

Nilla snarled, but to her credit, didn't lunge, even though it seemed she wanted to. She wasn't stupid. She knew the game as well as Cassia. She flicked her eyes quickly at the water. Surely there must be something sturdy to stand on. Nilla saw her chance. She backed away, pretending to give in. Once she was on solid ground, she made a dash, leaping out past Cassia, into a rock. It was smaller and wetter than she'd like, but she was with reach, and immediately slashed at the girl from Four.

Cassia cursed and immediately backed away, going with the current, and brought her dagger up to block Nilla’s. She backed up some more, making sure there was a lot of space between them, and made sure there were no rocks or the banks weren’t near her.

Nilla knew there was nothing for it and threw one of her knives at Cassia while leaping at her, intent on actually getting her this time. She wielded the remaining knife high and made a yelping noise when she got wet.

Cassia twisted out of the way of the knife but hissed when it sliced her arm lightly. Her eyes narrowed, and she snorted at the noise Nilla made when getting wet, and went to attack when she heard a familiar whooshing sound and jumped backwards. She eyed the spear that had landed in the middle of the water. Right where she had just been standing.

_Fuck...just what I need...two Careers and one that is my district partner._ Cassia thought to herself in desperation. There was no way she was going to make it home alive. She hoped Xander kept his promise to make sure her family was kept safe.

Nilla looked up at Neptune, and grinned at him. “Get your ass in here and help with this little fish!” Again she plunged forward at Cassia, brandishing her knife, and a murderous gleam in her eyes.

Cassia went to move away from them both in a panic, but let out a loud scream as a spear swung up and missed her throat by an inch. She tripped over her feet in her panic and grunted as she landed on her back in the water.

Nilla started to leap at the defenseless girl, but she never made it. Suddenly Xander was there between them. He had the battle fire in his eyes and sword raised. Nilla couldn't react fast enough. Her jugular was slashed and she fell into the water, which now stained red with her blood.

Neptune took the opportunity of the distraction and leaped at Cassia. He went to bring the spear down on her, but it seemed that she had gotten her wits back and stopped the tip of his spear with the blade of her dagger. He smirked down at her and asked cockily, “Do you honestly think that little thing is going to beat my spear?”

Cassia grunted at the pressure as he down harder. “No...but a sword will.” She grounded out, letting her dagger drop, and quickly rolled off to the side.

Xander brought the sword down hard on Neptune’s spear, breaking it in half, then he smoothly shoved the other boy away. “Miss me? Come on, shock me and say something intelligent.” Xander’s eyes flashed and he had a smirk on his face.

Neptune backed away but stopped while he was still in the water. He spotted Nilla’s throwing knife and glanced between the two people standing in his way. His lips curled upwards, “No, but I must say I did miss my district partner.”

Cassia had stood up by then and shifted behind Xander, muttering in his ear, “He’s trying to rile you up to go to him. He has something planned for one of us...but I’m not sure which one.”

Xander only grunted in acknowledgment, keeping his eyes on Neptune. He shot back at him, “You think you're smart, do you? You must have been born on a road… because that's where most accidents happen.” He held his sword at the ready but daren't move.

Neptune only gave him a cruel smirk. He moved fast, kicking up water and mud at Xander. It hit Xander in the face, and while the guy was cursing and distracted, Neptune quickly disarmed him and shoved him away back to the bank. He tested the sword in his hand, and while it wasn’t no spear, it would do its job by killing Cassia. Now his eyes turned on Cassia and he told her, “I’ll tell Gwen you say hello.” With that he lunged forward and let it go towards her before she had time to move.

It never hit her. Xander made the biggest jump of his life, powered by adrenalin and love, and landed in front of Cassia. He staggered backward as the sword plunged into his chest and he came down on Cassia. He made a huge splash, and a very queer sound that wasn't a yelp, grunt, or curse.

“ **Xander!”**

That was the only thing that ran out in the silence of the river.

Neptune kept his eyes on the scene, slightly impressed by the boy from 10, and moved towards Cassia but stopped. He frowned as his eyes met Cassia’s dark brown ones. He saw the same deadly look that Gwen always had in them. That was interesting. He had never pegged little, meek, soft Cassia to have such anger in her. Plus there was the matter of the dagger that was in her hand while he had no weapon at all. He highly doubted that he would make it to Nilla’s knife before she threw hers at him. Which left him with one option: leave and recuperate for a day or two.

Cassia watched Neptune leave, making sure that he had actually left, before collapsing next to Xander in the water. Horror filled her and her hands shook as she pressed against his wound. A painful sob escaped her and she said in denial, “You’re going to be fine. You just...you just need a lot of medicine. I can get it for you like you did to me.”

Xander shook his head and tried to speak. Finally he managed in a choking voice, “Get...  get… get me out...of...the water.” He gasped in pain and gritted his teeth.

Cassia nodded quickly and tried to pull him out as gently as she could. She wasn’t strong enough and slipped on the river bank, sliding back into the water with Xander on top of her, and just sat there. She noticed in distress that the water was turning a dark red with his blood. Her hand ran through his hair and her voice rose as she said, “That’s...all I can do. Now...let me look...at your wound. I can fix it.”

“You...can't.” Xander gasped out. Blood was starting to trickle out of the corner of his mouth. “Cass, look...look...at me. Not...enough...time.” He groaned as a spasm of pain shot through him, and when it passed, he was trembling.

Tears fell down her face, and Cassia shook her head wildly, “I can! There is enough time! You’re strong enough to hold on until I get it.”

Xander swore. But then he sucked in a breath, “No...if you...pull it...out...now...I'll be...dead...instantly. Leave...it….for now. Stay...just stay…”

A sob escaped her and she buried her face in his hair. “Why? Why did you do that? You could have went home...but you chose the most **stupid thing to do! Why?** ” She asked him in an angry wail.

He choked a bit more, but coughed and that seemed to clear things up temporarily. “Because… Cassia… Princess… I love you.” He let his head drop back on her shoulder, exhausted.

A shuddering gasp of pain came her mouth. Her heart broke and she whimpered in pain. “How can I take your pain away?” She asked softly through her pain.

Xander again shook his head. He had too much to tell her. But not nearly enough time. He'd try anyway, even as the life was slipping away from him. “Take...your...bracelet back. Do...what you...want with it...it's yours. And.... remember… to talk to… who I… told you to.” Xander had to stop briefly to actually breathe.

Her hands curled into his chest and her body harder from the sobs. But she nodded to let him know she would do both of those thing. “When I get home...do you want me to tell your family anything?”

A wheezing started in Xander’s breathing. “Just...to...hold each...other...close.” He paused, and again the strange note in his voice, “One...more...kiss.”

Cassia shook her head saying softly, “You always ask the hard things from me.” But she tilted her head down to kiss him softly on his lips.

He closed his eyes for one moment then turned his brilliant blue eyes that seemed even bluer now on Cassia’s own brown ones. “My life...may not… have been...a… fairy tale… but… you will **always**...be… my Princess.” The rattle in his voice increased, then was silent. Xander slipped away.

The cannon fired a minute later.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to give a shout of thanks to my good friend, blueroanmare, for writing this chapter from Xander’s Family point of view when I asked if she could. Thank you!

_The life that I have_  
Is all that I have   
And the life that I have   
Is yours   
  
The love that I have   
Of the life that I have   
Is yours and yours and yours.   
  
A sleep I shall have   
A rest I shall have   
Yet death will be but a pause   
For the peace of my years   
In the long green grass   
Will be yours and yours and yours.  
  
\- Leo Marks

* * *

 

Andrew sat glued to his screen. Zen, his father...Xander’s grandfather, had the time to sit and watch as well. Lillian, his mother, for the most part didn’t leave his side either. They all needed to know if Xander got through this. Andrew had a sinking feeling that his son wouldn’t. But then again, Xander had bucked all the rules, been able to stand up to the Peacekeepers (and live). Perhaps his rebel ways would stand him in good stead.

They had seen his interview. Zen had genuinely laughed at it, even if Andrew was horrified. Xander had played his bad boy part all too well. Daisy was quiet and demure, as expected. There was little hope for her, but one never knew. She might be able to pull a surprise. But that would be mean Xander’s death.

Andrew had covered his eyes when the tributes were released into the Games. The beginning was often wrought with bloodshed. Would Xander keep his head? Get into the middle of the melee? It would be so like him...Andrew knew he liked to be in the middle of trouble.

It turned out Xander had sense. He had grabbed Daisy, surprisingly, and yanked her off to the side. Zen had cheered when he saw what Xander held in his hand: a beautiful sword. That was good...very good. They all knew he was just as at home with a sword as he was on the back of a horse. Perhaps this would be okay after all. They saw him disappear behind some of the buildings, and noted that this was a desert Arena this time. Andrew knew what the priority would be: water. Now the current question was: how long would his son stay alive?

He watched as Xander snapped at Daisy, who was already hurt. That wasn’t good at all. His heart was in his throat as the other tribute came into view. Andrew knew Xander was good, but this other boy had a sword too. Would he have met his match at last? He watched in shock as Xander toyed with the other boy. Literally toyed with him. He hadn’t known Xander had such a cruel streak in him. When had that happened? He reached for Lillian’s hand as she gasped and turned away as the tribute dropped to the ground, throat spouting blood.

She whispered, “He killed him.”

Squeezing her hand, Andrew’s voice was quiet, “I know, Mom. I know. He will probably have to kill more.”

“But…” Lillian got up finally. She had always seen the good side of Xander. _This_...this was too much. But she couldn’t pull herself away entirely. Too much could happen on the first day. She had to squint through her tears to see the screen.

That night was terrible. Andrew stayed up to watch and made his parents go home to bed. Zen would still need to get up for the horses, but Alex, his friend, had said he’d spell him for Andrew’s share of the chores. For this time, the horses would get a rest from training. Nothing was more important than hoping Xander got through. As it was, he did get through the night.

Daisy didn’t.

Andrew’s heart broke for her family. He was proud of how his son tried to protect her from the girl tribute from District 7. She had been sneaky...Daisy too naive. It was very unfortunate that Daisy should have been surprised like that by Roslyn. But Roslyn met her end at Xander’s blade. Andrew saw a different kind of fury in his son’s eyes as he stood over Roslyn’s body. That made him think. Did his son actually care about Daisy? As long as he remembered, Xander had never paid much attention to the younger kids.

That made him remember his son as a young child. He longed for those days again. When he had been able to hold him in his arms. When Stella, his wife had been alive. They had been so happy, the three of them. Even after his mother’s death, Xander had been a happy child. Hard to handle at times, yes, but Andrew had just put it down to being a boy. Then slowly the change. The distrust. The rebelling against him. And others. How he seemed to hate Shona, his friend who often watched the boy as a child. Andrew didn’t know what he could have done differently. He’d been tough on Xander, scared that he would attract attention. That had still happened.

The screen brought his attention back to it, and he was glad to focus on this now, if only to escape the memories of the past. Xander was on his own now. He sat forward again, scanning his son’s face. It was unreadable, but Andrew felt confident for once. Xander usually _was_ on his own. He liked it that way. He should be okay for now. If he could by the marauding Careers.

He sat up in surprise when he met up with the girl tribute from 4. Xander didn’t attack her. Why didn’t he attack her? He hadn’t realized that he’d exclaimed this out loud when Lillian came in the house. “Why didn’t he attack who?” she asked, but hurried to the couch to watch alongside her son.

Pointing at the girl, Andrew said, “Look! He had a perfect opportunity to kill her where she stood. But he didn’t and now look! They’ve teamed up! What…?” He was really confused by his son’s actions.

But Lillian laughed for the first time since the Games began. She looked over at her son slyly and said simply, “Because he knows her. Look at them. Their interactions. The way he’s running his hand on her leg. And she’s letting him. What does that tell you?”

Groaning, Andrew knew the answer. Xander had sex with this tribute. How _stupid_ could he have been to do that? He snapped aloud, “He couldn’t even keep it in his pants at this time! What sort of kid did I raise?” But he resigned himself. Xander did what he wanted most of the time. Andrew had tried. He’d caught Xander a few times with girls. Sometimes he beat him with his belt, even though he knew it was going to be useless. He had his own ways.

Now he watched the girl too. Cassia. It was a pretty name. And there was something else. Xander was very comfortable with her. More must have gone down between them off screen.

The whole cave situation had shocked Andrew. Never had he seen Xander scared like that. When he had been terrified, then begging...that was new. He gulped when Xander said, “ _No. Don’t go. They’ll come. They’ll come to hurt me. Please.”_

Who was he talking about?

He sighed. He had noticed a few times that his son was uncomfortable in smaller spaces, but shrugged it off, and not once had he had asked why. He wished he had now. This didn’t seem like a simple _I hate spider’s_ thing. This was a phobia. Andrew was so glad when he got out of there, but then had to shut his eyes. But nothing drowned out Xander having sex with Cassia.

Zen walked into the house in the middle of that. He stared for one moment, turned around, and walked out. He couldn’t deal with that. Not now. It was too much.

When it was finally over, Andrew heard Xander’s soft voice. Anger burned inside at his admission, “ _When I was young, my dad had a friend of his watch me. She’d lock me up when I was bad. Which was a lot. And she’d often get her husband to beat the hell out of me._ ” He stood up with blazing eyes. **Shona**. Shona had done this. And that _fucking_ husband of hers. They had abused **his son**. He was going to kill them both. Andrew wasn’t stupid. He worked with horses all his life, and had noticed the similarities of them and people. Abused horses (and humans) had one of two reactions. They either hid away into a shell of themselves, or they lashed out in aggression and anger.

Xander had lashed out.

Anger was replaced with guilt. Crushing guilt. He’d had no idea. He thought Xander’s bruises at that age was simply from playing. Being stupid as boys will be, especially active ones like him. In no way did he ever think someone was hitting his son. But then again, he had never once asked. Why had he been so blind? But he had. And it was too late to say he was sorry.

Lillian came with tea for Andrew and a small snack. She handed him his cup. She’d just had time to set hers down when she broke down in sobs at what she heard.

Cassia’s voice floated to them, “ _I look to Gwen, my mom, Mags, and Finnick as the ones that make my world brighter and bearable. In here, it’s you. But you don’t seem to have anyone that makes this world brighter for you.  And that’s the most horrible thing I can think of above all else.”_

And Xander answered, “ _My grandmother.”_ A sigh. “ _She lights it up. But I never told her that. I tried to protect her from me.”_

Lillian cried into Andrew’s shoulder. She knew it. She knew how much her grandson loved her. He hadn’t told her any of these things. And now she knew why. He wanted one person in his life to just see him as he was inside. He wanted someone to look past the daring rebel, the sex driven guy, the devil-may-care attitude...to the true heart behind the shield. She saw the real Xander. But no one else did.

Andrew comforted her as best he could. He wished he had been that person that lit up his life, but it was only _right_ that Lillian got that special place. She deserved it more than anyone else. “Go have a rest, Mom. I’ll let you know if something happens. See, they’re going to rest a while too. Then they need to show the other tributes.”

Zen took his wife’s place and softly put a hand on his son’s. “Xander is tough and strong. I’m sure he’ll make it.” Under his breath he muttered, “He has to. So much rides on this.”

The younger man looked at his father. He didn't understand what he was talking about. But he admitted, “Xander has always been impossible. Hard to deal with. How angry I got with him! And now… I'm thinking that I've been the one doing things wrong.”

Patting Andrew's leg, Zen sighed. He thought back to when Andrew himself was small. Thoughtfully, he said, “Do you remember Cyclone?”

Andrew had to think back. There had been many horses over the years. But now that he mentioned it, there _had_ been a grey named Cyclone. And he had been a **bad** horse. He'd been dumped by that horse more times than he could count. Cyclone would rear, buck, and try to bolt off. “Yeah, Dad, I remember him. He was a hellion. What of it?”

Nodding wisely, Zen replied, “And you remember how everyone said he was impossible. Some of the trainers tried to beat him. But I kept saying no horse reacts without a reason. We kept working with him. Finally we found out he had a bone chip in his knee. He was reacting out of pain. That was his reason. We weren't able to fix it all the way, but we made it much better. And that horse spent his days teaching the kids to ride. There really was a good horse in there. He had been a quiet horse all along. But no one was allowing him to be. He was merely misunderstood. All he needed was the chance to be good. And he was.”

Andrew took the lesson in. He had screwed up royally with Xander. The mere fact that he didn't know about Shona and her husband was eye opening. What else didn't he know? Zen was right in a way. Xander hadn't been allowed his own way to be good. Part of that was the fucked up world they lived in. The Peacekeepers being so present. But Andrew knew he had missed too many opportunities with his son. It was his fault. He'd only seen the bad kid. The impossible boy.

That was driven home again when Xander woke up in a nightmare. Andrew knew this all too well. He had the same things in another way… that Xander would die under the lash. The first time, Andrew had been sympathetic. The second time… he had been furious at his son. He kept pissing off the Peacekeepers. The nightmares had started then. Then the third time… had been the worst. Instead of giving Xander a number of lashes, they had merely beat him until he was quiet. That had been a long time, and Andrew had been scared that Xander would never give in. Then the nightmares were very much real. He remembered getting punched in the face trying to wake him up. That had hurt, but what hurt more was those ice blue eyes staring at him in hatred, even if it hadn't been real.

Shaking his head, he looked at the screen then realized what he was about to do. Xander was trying to get medicine for Cassia. And how he was going about it… Andrew jumped up and stood in front of his mother, saying shortly, “Right, Mom. We don't need to see this part.”

Lillian smiled and asked, “Have you ever seen him be so determined to help someone? I even understand why he's doing a strip tease. It's what he knows. Unfortunately. But I'm proud of him trying to help.”

Sighing, he agreed, and to their surprise, Xander’s ploy worked. He got what he needed, plus something extra for himself. He did have to laugh and agree with Lonnie’s warning to _never see that again_. Now let's see if Xander followed that advice.

Zen came in from chores and settled heavily down. He was just in time to hear Xander’s words:

_"I liked working with my grandfather and the horses. I remember watching him with the young horses. He was so patient with them._

_He'd say that you had to treat them right when they were small, so when they're big they would trust you and do everything for you. We must not scare them, or be mean to them. Just lots of love and discipline as needed. I loved helping him. He...treated me the same as those young colts.”_

Zen’s eyes went misty at that, and his wife reached over to squeeze his hand. He whispered, “I tried. I tried my best.” Andrew looked up at that, cut to the quick. He'd forgotten that from his father. He hadn't done the same to his son as the horses he trained. He thought he had, but now he could see that no, he really hadn't. And again, it was too late to apologize.

The next little while passed both quickly and slowly. The family watched with interest when Xander and Cassia started making a net. What the net could be for, they didn't know. But they noted the bond building between the two tributes. This worried Lillian the most, for it was impossible that both could live. She had always hoped her grandson would find love. And not in just the having sex way. One could do that and not love the other person. But if he did love Cassia, and then lost her… what sort of person would he become? He was unpredictable with emotions, preferring to hide away his true feelings and hitting out on others, but with _her,_ he was soft and kind.

They watched with fear creeping through them as the tribute from 12 made his stand against Xander. But they needn't have worried. Xander pulled his usual sass, distracted the boy, and gutted him. Andrew sighed, partly in relief that his son got to live another day, and half in fear of his own son. Yes, he was afraid _of_ him like this. And that was an uncomfortable feeling.

Zen had patted his knee and flashed an understanding look. Then he turned to the screen again at raised voices. Cassia was yelling at Xander, and crying at the same time.

_“The world doesn’t care about you! It doesn’t care about you. It doesn’t give a fuck if you die for it. But you have people that care and love you and you shove them away because you’re too scared to let them in!”_  
  
Xander blew at that. “ _I'm too scared to let them in? **They don't want me!** I'm too wild for them. And as for the bloody world, I know far more than **you** think! It's just waiting for a spark... **before the whole place goes to hell**. Then… and **only then** , shall it be made new, like the Phoenix rising from the flames!_”

Zen blew a sharp breath. He knew exactly what Xander was talking about. And he had noted his grandson throwing little hints here and there over the course of the Games. But this was out and out dangerous. This was throwing the fat into the fire. But he knew Xander was both right and wrong. His family wanted him, more than anything. Right now this stupid system wouldn't want him, for he was right. He was too free and idealistic for them. But later… if Xander made it...

Lillian had gasped when Xander tossed his sword at Cassia and basically told her to kill him. Would she do it? No… the girl tribute refused. She did smile how easily Xander put away his anger and focused on other things. That was him all over. That had come from working with animals. You might get mad at them, but never should one _stay_ mad at them. They wouldn't understand. One had to live in the moment like they did.

The next day, Xander’s voice came through the screen _“There is a lot of beauty in things if you look. The whiskers of a cat. The green of a leaf. A spider's web in the dew. The misty rain. The shiny hide of a well-groomed horse. The curve of a woman.”_

Andrew finally smiled. He sounded so like his mother. She had seen the beauty of the world around her. Xander looked like her, and he got his sassiness from her. Stella… how he missed Stella. But at the last statement, Andrew chuckled. That wasn't Stella. That was all Xander. And at that moment, he wouldn't change a thing.

Now he froze, and Lillian gasped. Xander had his blade on Cassia’s throat. She wanted to give up, and his reaction had been so fast. Hadn't he cared for her? Why was he so quick to kill her now? But it seemed he merely wanted to prove a point, and made the other tribute realize that fighting was worth it.  Zen nodded at this. What was worth having was worth fighting for? That's what he kept telling his grandson. Of course, Xander liked doing it _literally,_ but he was glad to see that the lad had taken that message to heart.

Now the family gathered together when they knew Cassia’s plan was going down. Here is where things could get sticky. It was three on two. The last five left. Xander has made it so far into the Games, and Andrew was proud of him. He had already learned so much about him. He just wanted to tell him he was proud.

They watched Cassia and Xander split up. Cassia killed her girl. Or so she thought. Nilla had been merely knocked out. This wasn't good... _at all._ When the camera flashed to Xander, they watched closely. Lillian gasped when he slipped on a rock but kept his feet. Blades clashed on blades, but it was soon over: Emerald was dead and Xander was still alive. Andrew started to sigh in relief when it happened.

Seemingly out of nowhere, Xander was surrounded. Lillian buried her face into Zen’s shoulder. Here was the moment he would die. Andrew was stone faced, but then to everyone's surprise, Neptune did not kill him. Instead, he tortured him.

That was too hard to watch, so they tried to talk quietly, their conversation punctured by Xander’s curses. That night, both Zen and Lillian slept in Andrew's house. This would end sooner or later. They needed each other. To stay closer like they had done when Andrew was little. As they should have done with Xander.

Morning and the camera was on Xander first thing before panning out to the others. Cassia was clearly hurt, as was Neptune. Xander seemed to be holding his own though. Then Cassia did a surprising thing. She came for him. The LaRose family cheered when they saw her. She had to get him out! To die like that, bound and tortured...was unfair. For the first time since the Games began, no one was sorry when Will died. For the first time, they had someone to hate. Lillian often though of this afterwards. This must be how Xander felt a lot.

Everyone felt relief that he seemed okay. Very hurt, but alive and okay. They gave each other hugs in celebration, then watched what happened next.

Andrew listened carefully as they talked about not being careful with sex. He smiled to himself. He knew Xander had never been careful. But luckily, his son seemed to be impotent. So that wasn't a concern at all.

But then Cassia said, “ _Please? I...need to know. You talk about all the other girls that were pregnant but when it gets to me...you just shut down completely!”_

Andrew's jaw dropped. Wait a minute! He...what?! He jumped up and looked at his mother, “Mom? Did you know about this?”

Lillian had a sad look on her face, but replied softly, “Yes, actually. Not from him. He never talked about it. The girls told me, or I heard it from the parents. The first one was Sarah. You remember her, right? The quiet shy one. She lost her baby. She had a hard time with that… I know she wanted it so much.” She sighed. She herself had hoped… but she made herself continue, “It was sad. She had a late miscarriage. Xander would have had a little boy. I know Sarah told him. I don't know what he felt about it though, for he never said anything.” Pausing for breath, Lillian thought of the next one, “Meesha was next.”

Interrupting, Andrew said, “But Meesha hates him. She never gave him the time of day.”

“There's a reason for that. She didn't hate him before. But he got her pregnant. And she didn't want the child. She got rid of it, and never told him. I didn't have the heart to tell him either, and I thought he thought she had lost the baby like Sarah had. But I can see from this conversation with Cassia he knew the truth. I wish he had talked to me about it. Things might have different.”

Andrew was quiet. So his son had struggled with a lot of issues...some much bigger than he himself had ever done. “Were there any others?”

Lillian sucked in a breath, and admitted, “Yes. But he never knew. They hid it too well. Jilla… she never showed much.”

Zen interrupted here now, “Jilla died of a heart problem though. She had no baby.”

Shaking her head, his wife replied, “They lied about that. I was there. Jilla died in childbirth. It was a secret. The baby was given to Rachel. _Her_ baby died. But it was useless.”

Andrew knew perfectly well what his mother was saying. He remembered Rachel's little boy. Now he remembered the brilliant blue eyes. Unfortunately the child had an accident and was kicked by a cow. By the time anyone had gotten to him, it was too late. He had been just two. And now Andrew would never know his own grandchild. He looked at Cassia. If the girl was pregnant… a huge **if** , he still never know this one. And that was even if Cassia somehow lived. He felt sad that he hadn't tried harder. Been open to sharing. Then perhaps Xander might have told him how he felt about these kids. “Did he know about Rudy?”

She shook her head, “No. No one told him. We didn't want him feeling guilty that Jilla died. If there's any more, I don't know about them. But I doubt it.”

Andrew nodded. He felt the pain of loss… loss of children he had never known. He wondered how just what kind of father his son would have been. He himself hadn't been a very good example. But Zen had been. But now, unless Xander lived, they wouldn't know.

Again, everyone slept over that night. Lillian had a feeling that tomorrow would be it. The final four. They woke, haggard and worried. And waited for the tributes to wake. As it was, it was Xander up first. He looked bad. That terrible cut over his eye… it was hard to look at. But Xander’s eyes flashed blue, and Andrew took strength from Stella’s son.

Soon enough, the two tributes were up. They were both injured, but able to get about. Zen nodded in agreement with the new plan: separate. It was best to break ties now. Hopefully they wouldn't end up having to kill each other. They had gotten each other here so far. But right now… Nilla seemed to be the one with the least injuries.

Lillian, with her practiced motherly eye, studied them all. Neptune was wounded and angry. Nilla felt the loss of the leader. Cassia was bleeding badly. Xander moved stiffly. She knew from experience her grandson could push himself to the limits. But what would the others do?

The camera followed Cassia. Suddenly Nilla appeared and gave fight. Andrew was tense. He knew that Xander was tracking Neptune. But who would find who first?

Tears misted in Lillian’s eyes as it looked like Cassia would be finished off. She was facing both Careers, and not much of a chance. “The poor girl…” she whispered. But her husband wasn't thinking of Cassia. Where was Xander? He could not be that far from the three of them.

He hadn't realized he had spoken aloud when his grandson showed up. _Speak of the devil and he will appear…_

Andrew's white knuckled grip on his seat betrayed his tenseness. He didn't comment when Xander killed Nilla without a thought. Now there were three.

“Dammit!” Andrew shouted as Neptune temporarily blinded Xander. Xander had broken his spear and could have taken him! But now the sword was in Neptune’s hand. He prepared to throw it at Cassia. Just as it left the tribute’s hand, there was a sudden blur.

Lillian could not help a scream when the blade sliced through Xander’s body. The family sat completely horrified. Andrew was in shock, _No. No! No no no… it can't be true. It missed him. Just grazed him._

Cassia’s scream: “ ** _Xander!_** ”

After Neptune withdrew, Cassia huddled over Xander. They could hear his gasps and pained choking. Zen groaned with his own pain. He knew just as well as Xander did if Cassia took the sword out, he'd be dead instantly. Perhaps that would be more merciful. But he knew it wouldn't matter either way.

Cassia’s voice came through, _“Why? Why did you do that? You could have went home...but you chose the most **stupid thing to do! Why?** ” _

Andrew was just thinking the exact same question of his son, but Xander answered both of them:

_“Because… Cassia… Princess… I love you.”_

He stilled at this declaration. They all knew Xander too well. How no girl had ever heard those three little words from him. And now here it was, from his dying lips. He sacrificed his own life to save the one he loved.

Lillian was already crying. Zen held her tight, and let his own tears fall. Andrew was too much in shock to react. He wanted to close his eyes. To look away. To pretend this wasn't real. But he loved his son too much. He would be with him to the very last.

Andrew got one more glimpse of his son's brilliant ice blue eyes. Eyes he would never see again. When the cannon fired at last, he broke down.

Only Zen watched the screen now, his arms encircling his wife. He made one whisper to the screen, _“ _Cassia. I'm rooting for you. Get that bastard for Xander’s sake. And I'll help you. I'll tell you what you need to know. Thank you… for loving Xander._ ”  
_


	21. Chapter 21

“ _Regardless of all our pretenses, deep within, we are still unconsciously the same old cave-people._ ”

  
― Abhijit Naskar

* * *

 

Cassia sat in the red water with Xander’s body still in her arms. She kept her fingers on his neck, her ear low enough against his lips, and her other hand against his chest. All in hopes any of these would tell her that he was still alive because **he couldn’t be dead**. He just couldn’t. Not Xander.  Someone who was filled with life and had so much for him at home couldn’t be dead. She didn’t want to believe it was true.

Unfortunately as her despair grew, Cassia could not find any sign of life in Xander. Yet, she still refused to believe it. Her hands curled into his chest and she shook him softly. “Xander?”

When he didn’t answer, she shook him a bit harder and said more firmly, “Xander?”

Again he didn’t answer, and this time she shook him furiously and her voice cracked at her pleading, “Xander?!”

No answer.

Cassia let her lips tremble as she stopped shaking him and accepted the fact that he was dead. For how cruel Xander could be...he would have never pulled something so cruel on her. To make her think that he was dead and then jump up with a surprise, “I got you!” was something he wouldn’t do to her. Which meant that he really had to be dead. No matter how much she didn’t want to accept the fact.

Her eyes squeezed shut and she pressed her forehead against his cool one. She took a deep breath and tried to get her growing emotions under control. Breaking down right now would not accomplish anything for her. Besides his body deserved to go back to his family.  Back to the people that loved him the most.

Before she lowered his body into the water, Cassia paused and took a look around. She didn't hear or see anything, but right now she didn't really care if Neptune had come back to kill her. She just wanted to be here with Xander. Not finding anything of interest, she gently lowered his body into the water and crawled down to his ankle.

The water was cool on her skin, making Cassia feel colder by the minute, and she unhooked the bracelet she had given him. A sob escaped her as she hooked it around her wrist again.  She pressed her face against his side for a moment and let the memories of their short time together consume her. Then she kissed his hand, got up slowly, and walked away without looking at his body again.

* * *

 

Cassia collapsed in a heap on the ground. She was tired mentally, physically, and emotionally. Her muscles were tense and sore from the hiked to under the rocky cliffs. Her stomach gnawed at her insides, begging for food and water since she had eaten the last of it before and refused to drink the water. Her leg was still bleeding a bit, but she didn’t have anything to fix it with. She had left her bag at the river, only taking her dagger with her. And her bracelet. Her emotions were curled up in a tight ball for she didn’t want to deal with the death of Xander just yet.

Yet it seemed her mind was going to betray her. As soon as she relaxed the memories came back to her. Fighting Neptune and Nilla. Xander showing up. Nilla’s death. Neptune knocking Xander away and throwing the sword at her. Xander **taking** the sword. His dying words to her.

A sob escaped her as her heart throbbed at the thought of Xander. If she had thought all of the other deaths had been hard, she was wrong. So very wrong. This one hurt much more than the rest because she had gotten to know him. She had gotten to love him. When she shouldn’t have. When everyone had warned her not too because this would happen. They had been looking out for her and she had ignored them all!

A scream of anger escaped her and she slammed her dagger into the rocky ground. Sobs came out rougher and louder as her thoughts went back to the beginning. Meeting him, going with him, and seeing the horses for the first time. How he reminded her of Gwen which made her feel safe in a way. The pointless sex that had turned into meaningful sex at some point. Working together in the arena. Everything that had between them in this awful place. The meaningful talks. They swirled her around in mind like a film going nonstop.

Her sobs turned into screams of pain as she curled into the ground. Her body shook from the sobs and she just lay there crying until the sun came up again. She was exhausted but forced herself up and walked in a random direction. She hadn't been walking for long, maybe an hour or two, before she sank to the ground. She curled up underneath the rocky ledge that was pointed out  and just lay there, staring into the nothing less, more than happy to let her body fade away. But it seemed that as another day and night passed, the gamemakers and citizens of the Capitol did not like her choice one bit.

It was late into the second day of her mourning when the ground started shaking. Cassia sat up in surprise and jerked backwards as a boulder fell right where she had been. Cursing under her breath, she backed away and grabbed her mom’s dagger. The shaking got worse, the rocky walls around her splitting up the sides, and rocks falling out all around her.

Cassia ran through the falling boulders as fast as she could. Her feet pounded on the desert floor and her injured leg was throbbing from the running. But it was either run or get crushed by a falling boulder. And she really didn’t feel like getting crushed by a falling boulder. Not when she was so close to winning!

She dove and rolled to a stop as sand settled around her, blocking her view from everything. She coughed and waved her hand over her face to get it away from her. She kneeled on the ground until the sand settled down into place.

Now Cassia took a closer look around at her surroundings. The gamemakers had forced her back to the Cornucopia which meant that they were looking to end things and get a winner. At least District four would be getting a victor this year.

Nerves hit her hard as well as wariness. She looked around closer for any sign of Neptune. Her dagger was clenched tightly in her hand and her body was on flight or fight mode. She hoped against hope that when it came down to it that her body would fight instead of flight.

Not seeing or hearing anything or anyone, Cassia took a step forward warily. Neptune had to be around here somewhere. This is what the gamemakers and Capitol people wanted. They wanted a good fight that would lead to a death. The more brutal of a fight the more hyped they would get. She had nasty niggling feeling that this fight between her and Neptune would be brutal.

As soon as she finished thinking that thought she heard something coming from the side of her. She spun around quickly, but not quick enough, and caught something silver coming at her. There was no time to react before she felt a blinding pain in the side of her head. She stumbled to her knees, her hand pressed to her head, with something warm and sticky coating her hand, hair, and face. She blinked blurry up at Neptune and watched him as her hand curled around her mom’s dagger. Neither of them moved as they just watched each other.

Cassia glared up at him as anger grew in her. Neptune had killed Xander. Neptune had tortured Xander. Neptune had opened up to her and made her confused. Neptune had insulted her but also complimented at her the same time. Neptune had compared her and Gwen, her and her mom, and looked down at her. Neptune had hurt her. He had played games with her. Mind games that she hated with a passion. But now, she **wouldn’t** give him the satisfaction of playing with her like that anymore. It was time to stop the cycle.

Cassia felt her anger consume her until she saw nothing but red at Neptune’s smug face. She let out a scream of rage, ignored everything her teachers had taught her, and acted on her anger. She flung herself at him, swinging the dagger this way and that way, trying to hit him but not succeeding. Then he was in front of her with his own knife, Nilla’s knife actually, and hitting her with the handle of the blade in the same spot as before. She felt hands grab at her, lift her up, and then her body was hitting the ground hard enough to knock the wind out of her.

Cassia felt a pressure on her chest. Something boney digging into it hard and she managed to squeeze her eyes opens enough to realize Neptune was kneeling on her chest, his knife being held idly in his hand as he watched her curiously.  The he spoke up, “I did tell you that you had Isadora’s blood running through your veins. Too bad that it wasn’t enough.”

Cassia struggled against him from anger and went to bring her dagger up. Only to realize that her dagger was just out of reach and she was stuck underneath him from her own stupidity. “I **am** my mother’s daughter, but I am also my own person. Her blood runs thru me.” She growled as she struggled even harder in anger.

“I must admit I’m not really surprised you made it this far. You are smart in the ways of making plans. Of taking in account of your surroundings and opportunities to make it work. The only thing that stops you from being a formidable foe like Gwen…” He paused here and pressed the knife against her throat enough to let a drop of blood slip down. Then he continued in a mocking tone, “The only thing that stops you is the fact that you want to stick by your morals. Your morals of not having to kill someone unless it is absolutely necessary. All of your kills have been made on your morals.”

Cassia went still at his words. Uncertainty hit her and she thought back on all of the kills. The girl on the first day had been a necessary. She had been trying to avoid everyone so she wouldn’t have to kill anyone. The boy on the second day had gotten her cornered with no choice. Same with the other boy. Then Nilla...will that had been necessary but she hadn’t killed her. Only injured her and Xander had killed her. Will...she had killed him, but she had left Neptune and Nilla alive. A part of her not wanting to kill more than she had too, so she had left them alive and looked at what had happened. Nilla had tracked her down, Neptune had shown up and both of them tried to kill her. Only for Xander to show up, kill Nilla, and die in the process for her.

Cassia felt the knife press a bit harder against her throat. She locked eyes with Neptune, unable to look away, as he continued to speak. “Poor Cassia. Always walking in her sister’s shadow. Trying to act like her, be like her. You aren’t good at anything other than bringing pain and despair to the people around you. To all of those families of the kids you killed. To your own lover’s family. **To your own family.** ”

Neptune trailed the tip of the blade to the necklace hanging around her throat. He picked it up with the tip of his blade and studied it. He had seen it enough times on Gwen to know it was hers. He turned the blade to cut it into the string. He smiled down at Cassia and said in a cruel voice, “This is a good thing, Cassia. To end the pain you bring them and when you go home...Gwen won’t be needing her twin or her necklace anymore. Someone so strong wouldn’t want to be associated with someone as weak as you.” With those words, Neptune brought the knife up and severed the rope of the necklace.

Cassia let out a scream of despair as she watched the necklace go flying everywhere. Parts of it scattered around her, others flying out of sight, and the rest hang from the string that was dangling off Neptune’s knife. He had destroyed her twin’s necklace. The thing that had gotten her through all of this...the thing that had been a reminder of her promise...of the strength that she had inside if it meant seeing her twin again. And now...all of it...was gone. He had destroyed everything that had ever mattered to her because he was right. Gwen didn’t need her...didn’t need someone as weak as her. Someone who hid in her shadow trying to stay out of the line of sight. Gwen didn’t need her. She never had needed her and now it was obvious to Cassia.

_“You stupid, stupid person. **Why would you do that?** I had it handled! Why did you do this? Why? I’ll tell you why! It’s because you’re stupid, loyal, impulsive, and stupidly self-sacrificing. Well maybe I should kill you now to save you the trouble from doing something even more stupid in the arena! I HATE YOU! I hate you…you promised me that you would be there for me and you’re breaking it. I need you. This baby needs because you know me I’m going to screw up being a mother. You need to teach this kid all of the good in this awful world and to keep me in line.”_

Tears fell silently as Cassia nearly accepted Neptune’s words. But then Gwen’s reaction and words on the last time they talked before she left.  Gwen had pissed and upset...and scared. Her twin had been scared that she would never see Cassia again. That Cassia wouldn’t be there for her or her child when she needed her to be there for them both.

_“You are going to do everything you have to. Do you understand me? You do everything that you were taught, be yourself and make the people in Capitol love you and want to sponsor you, and you listen to mom, Mags, and Finnick. They know what they’re doing. And nothing stupid, reckless, or impulsive! You look after yourself only. Promise me.”_

Her promise to Gwen. To do what she needed to do to get back to her. Cassia had been doing that from the start. Sure there had been moments when she hadn’t listened to them, but every decision, every hard choice, every shred of blood that soaked her hands **had been for Gwen**. Breaking her sister’s necklace wasn’t going to stop her. It was the opposite. It just made her more willing to do whatever she had to do to get home. Which meant taking out Neptune.

But how? She was stuck on the ground, her dagger an inch or two away from her, with Neptune on top of her and his knife easily dangling over her. She knew he was ready to kill her in any moment. She also knew she had to calm down for this bit. It was crucial for her to keep her head and think. Neptune himself had even admitted that she was good at planning. She just needed to think of one.

She looked around desperately and reached for her dagger. She needed it! But the only thing stopping her was Neptune. The way he was kneeling on her made it impossible to move the few inches she needed to grab her dagger.

Her fingers dug into the sand and she thought back to a conversation that she and Xander had about the tributes. What was it he had told her about Neptune? Something about his leg? Cassia squeezed her eyes shut and berated herself, _Come on, come on! Think. I need to think of what Xander said._

_Neptune...well. He wants to be the boss and won't take no for an answer. But he's weaker on his left. He doesn't really protect his left leg well._  Her eyes snapped open as his words tinkled into her. Neptune was weaker on his left side. The side that her knife was on and she knew what she needed to do to get it.

Cassia waited until Neptune had leaned down closer to her. He opened his mouth to say something to her and that’s when she acted. She threw a hand full of sand into his face, got her elbow free enough to elbow him in the stomach, and when he had shifted backwards with a grunt of pain, she grabbed her dagger and brought it down in between the bones on his left kneecap.

Listening to his yell of pain, Cassia quickly took the dagger out and slammed it down again on his knee. This time she pulled the dagger downwards enough for him to slide off the side of her. Once he was off of her, she spun around with her dagger held up high and went to bring it down on him.

Neptune was ready for her though and caught her wrists in his hands. He easily tugged her roughly up more and used his foot to kick her upwards in the stomach. The kick sent her flying over him and he heard her pain filled yelp as she hit the ground hard. Not bothering to snatch up his knife or her dagger he lunged at her.

Cassia grunted and screamed in anger and pain as they rolled around fighting for their lives. It was like they weren’t even civil anymore. Each of them in a primitive state and using their bodies and strengths to one up each other. She bit, scratched, clawed, and used some of Gwen’s moves on him. He yanked her hair, punched, kicked, threw her, and kept trying to pin her down to the ground. Each time he tried that, she would squirm out of his grasp in some way and the fight would start over all again.

Finally, Neptune threw her hard enough for her to skid against the desert floor and stop beside her mom’s dagger. She didn’t think and grabbed at it. She clutched it in her hand as she rolled onto her back. She lunged up just as Neptune lunged down at her. Her mom’s dagger slammed into his chest and Cassia pushed it in deeper with all of her weight. Her eyes met Neptune’s eyes and she hissed at him, “I win. I told you I would keep my promise to my sister.”

Neptune gurgled on his blood, his hand reaching out and grabbing hers. Their eyes met one last time and Cassia watched as the life drained out of them. What were once cruel, vibrant eyes were now dull, lifeless eyes. She gripped his hand back, yanked the dagger out of him, and watched his body slumped down to the ground.

Cassia stared at his body with pleasure in her gaze. The pleasure was quickly replaced by horror at what she had done. Everything had gone hazy. She faintly heard the cannon fire, followed by words being spoken. There was a whirl of a helicopter and then Neptune’s body was gone. She felt something lift her up and hands grabbing at her. There were voices and blurry faces. Then a pinch in her arm as everything disappeared from sight and the voices went quiet. At last, she didn’t feeling anything and she was more than fine with that.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! So as a heads up, this is my first story on working with characters that are already made up by someone else, and I just want to ask that you let me know if they are all in character and if not, what I can change to make them to be more in character.
> 
> Thank you so much for all of your support and reading so far into my story! I appreciate every one of you and I’m sorry if this chapter came out a bit later than I meant to.
> 
> Enjoy the new chapter!
> 
> P.s. I’m sorry for taking this chapter down after posting! There have been some changes that you will need to the entire thing again to make sense! I’m really, really sorry about that.

“ _I follow three rules: Do the right thing, do the best you can, and always show people you care._ ” - Lou Holtz

* * *

 

Isadora sank into a chair in the hospital and buried her face into her hands. She had torn out of the room the mentors stayed in to watch their tributes as soon as Neptune had died. She ignored everyone and anything because the most important to her at the moment was heading to the hospital. She had raced through the crowds, ignoring the disgusted looks she got when she knocked into them, and had managed to catch up to Cassia as they were exciting the elevator.

When Isadora had laid eyes on her daughter, she had felt immense guilt and worry. It was her fault this had to Cassia. It worried her the amount of blood that was covering her daughter plus on how pale she looked. That had scared her to the soul. She had gripped Cassia’s hand, running along with the doctor’s surrounding the bed, muttering words of comfort to her, until she had gotten told she couldn’t enter.

Well, that hadn’t gone over very well and she had gotten pissed that she couldn’t be there. But then Paion showed up. Sweet, caring Paion that shouldn’t be there but was because it was his daughter that was going to be undergoing some procedures. And he would be the one to do them. Isadora owed him everything that she owned that Cassia was going to be in excellent care. She trusted Paion with her own life and their daughters. Which lead to where she was now: waiting in a forsaken waiting room, on a hard as rock chair, worried and guilty out of her mind.

A head peeked in the room after some time. A gentle voice said, “Isadora? I don’t know if you remember me, but I’m Lonnie Delmer. Xander’s...ah...mentor. Could I sit awhile with you?”

Isadora glanced up at him asked bluntly, “Why? Why should my daughter matter to you? She got your tribute killed. You should be pissed at me like the others are.”

“She mattered to him. That’s all I need to know now,” Lonnie told her calmly. “And she didn’t get him killed. He made a choice. And I must respect that choice. But I am not angry at you, or Cassia. And least of all Xander.”

Isadora sighed and nodded at him to sit down. “He saved her twice. I wasn’t expecting that of him. He was an ass to us. To you...his own mentor. But Cass did what she always does and sees the best in people. It’s going to get her killed one day.” Isadora said softly.

Lonnie actually snorted, but quickly explained, “Yes, he was the biggest pain in the ass. And I use the term ‘mentor’ quite loosely. He never listened to a word I said to him. He threatened to punch me out on the train. But for all that… I have to say he did a pretty good job after all. And Cassia is...was... lucky to have him around. He’s used to seeing all the bad in people. But when he makes up his mind about something, that’s it. Like saving her.” He had a small smile on his face at that and shook his head softly.

Isadora sighed for the umpteenth time. She went silent after that thinking back on everything that had happened in the arena. It had been a roller coaster ride and when they went to visit District 10 in the next six months...she would personally apologize and thank Xander’s family. It was the least she could do for the boy that had sacrificed his life for her daughter’s life.

The District 10 mentor smiled again and told her, “It might not seem like much, but I’m glad Xander got some happiness, such as it was. Cassia is a strong girl. And you and I both know she will need much help. But you are a strong one yourself.” He patted her shoulder and tipped his head, “I won’t keep you much longer. I’ll just tell you this...I was cheering for your daughter just as much as my tribute.”

Isadora snapped her eyes up to his with a ghost of smile. “Thank you. I wish I was half as strong as Cass is, but I’m not. But she has a whole support system here and at home that will help her survive.”

“Good, I am happy to hear that,” Lonnie said as he stood up again. “You need anything, you just ask. And good luck. I’ll see you again on her Victory tour.” Again he tipped her a polite nod, but there was warmth in his eyes before he turned and left again.

Isadora glanced at the doors that Cassia went through and wished desperately for a drink. Drinking was something she did only close to _their_ deaths and she didn’t want to leave her spot here in case Paion came out with some news. But she was getting fidgety without anything to do and cursed, “Damnit. Why did I have to start drinking in the first freaking place? Stupid addictive habit that I don’t want to give up.”

A cheerful voice echoed, “Someone call for a drink?” A scruffy looking man with blonde hair and beard grinned at her with a bottle in his hand. “Oh, well, if you don’t want this, I can always take it back.”

Isadora scowled but couldn’t help the small smile come to her face. “Drinking is prohibited on hospital grounds, you know that, Haymitch.” She sighed again, “As much as I want one I better not. Cass needs me sober and not drunk when she eventually wakes up.”

He laughed heartily and said, “And when do I follow ‘rules’, Isadora? If it makes me feel better, well then. A little nip won’t hurt anyone. I promise not to get you drunk. Not like _last time_ , eh?”

Now Isadora snatched the bottle from his hand and took a good gulp, letting the liquor slide down her throat, before handing it back to him. “I don’t even remember the reason why I got drunk with you last time.” She eyeballed the liquor and told him quietly, “Sorry about being drunk when we first met on your Victory tour. Not the best example to be on a new winner.”

He shook his head and shot back, “Nah, don’t. I’ve been drunk for a few years straight, I think. At least that’s what they tell me.” Haymitch eyed her back and was as usual, blunt, “Glad your kid made it.”

“Sorry your tributes didn’t. I know you had high hopes for your boy. He was smart, talented, and able to hold his own. You normally don’t get tributes like that.” She replied as she curled her fingers into her palm.

Haymitch scoffed and said brusquely, “They’re all a bunch of kids that don’t have a head for fighting. I wouldn’t have fallen for such a stupid trick as what the LaRose kid pulled on him. If he had been paying attention...but what can you do. I wouldn’t have wanted **that** tribute. I think I’d have killed him before he got into the arena with the crap he pulled.”

Isadora snorted and told him, “I nearly did kill LaRose. I found him out in my hallway with Cass. Looked like he was ready to pounce on her and do her right then and there.”

Shaking his head, Haymitch had to agree, “He had guts. But so did yours. I wouldn’t say Cassia is you all over again. She ain’t. She’s her own person. And that’s good.” He grinned at her and took another drink, “I wish I could steal more of this for home...you can’t get such good stuff there.”

Isadora did laugh loudly then. Haymitch just had a way of cheering her up without even realizing it. “Ah, I’m sure you can find more than enough to tide you over until you’re passed out drunk. Just don’t go killing yourself on the stuff. I won’t be able to find a good drinking partner like you and I’m too old to start looking for another one.”

He chuckled and shook his finger in her face. “You behave. An’ I gotta ask you. Your Cass made lots of good decisions and mistakes...like we all did. But really? Her and him banging’? Was that necessary?” He rolled his eyes and snorted.

Running a hand through her auburn hair, Isadora admitted, “I told her not to...but she didn’t listen to that particular thing. Hell, Haymitch...I’m just glad I was able to raise them both right after…” She trailed off as she tried to push away unwanted and unnecessary memories.

Haymitch looked at her then and was serious for once, “Life sucks sometimes, Isadora. And there are too many lies told, things afoot. You do what you can to survive. And you’ve done a hell of a job with your kids. Are you perfect? Nah. Who wants that? There would be nothing to strive for.”

“I never wanted either of them to have my life. Not this kind of life...full of killings, lies, not being able to be yourself, and a whole bunch of fucking stupid things. They were supposed to soar away and now both of them are stuck in it. Snow isn’t going to be happy that she won. Not one bit.” Isadora snapped angrily and hatefully towards herself.

Shrugging, he replied coolly, “Have you noticed that Snow has as much personality as a dead slug?” He shook his head again and pointed out, “My life isn’t all roses either. I deal the hand I was dealt. Of course, some say I’m not dealing with it at all. But fuck that.” He snapped at the last part and looked to the ceiling with haunted eyes.

She reached over and clamped a hand on one of his. She squeezed it comfortingly and said softly, “We’ve both fucked up the first time around and it got those we loved killed. But we have a second chance to make it right.”

He looked at her and bluntly said, “ **My** family and my girlfriend are dead. How the hell am I supposed to make that right? I can’t. No one can.” Again he reached for his bottle, taking a long swallow.

“So are my boyfriend and my one year old child.” Isadora replied back bluntly. “But I have two more kids and a grandchild on the way. I need to make this world right for them. As for you...when you meet the right people, whether some tributes or someone else entirely, you’ll try as hard as you can to make this world right for them so they don’t suffer as we are.”

“Perhaps you have the right idea,” Haymitch said slowly. “Well, only time will tell if you’re right. Trouble is, how much time do we actually have?” He switched thoughts and told her straight, “I have thought repeatedly on killing myself. Perhaps I am with drinking. But somehow I ain’t dead. And somehow… I can’t make myself actually do it. Perhaps I **am** waiting for the right thing before I blow my brains out.”

“Haymitch!” Isadora snapped. She pointed a finger in his chest and told him warningly, “You go and blow your brains out or die some other way...I swear I will hunt you down in the afterlife, bring you back alive, and kill you myself. You are my only...my only longest and dearest friend and I ain’t going to lose you.” She finished by blinking back tears and adding, “I refuse to lose anyone else that means a lot to me. Including you. So deal with it.”

That made him roar with laughter, “Oh sweetie, you’ll resurrect me to kill me all over again? You bitch.” He grinned at her and then bantered back, “How do I know that all this liquor isn’t actually acting as a preservative and I’ll outlive everyone else?”

Snorting herself now that more serious topic was off the table, she shook her head, “You’ll die one day. Just not today or anytime soon. Got it?”

He saluted her, “Yes, ma’am!” Clapping a hand on her shoulder, he offered, “Want one more drink, hon? Or shall I keep my… ahem… _preservatives_ to myself for the train back home?”

She took the offered bottle and took one last big gulp before handing it back to him. “I need all preservatives I can get.” She told him with a small wave.

Again grinning at her, he stood, staggered, and then managed to right himself properly. “In case I didn’t tell you, congratulations. Cassia did a fine job, and you should be proud of her. And she has the best on her side.”

“That means a lot to me, Haymitch. Thanks. Try not to embarrass yourself too much while drunk.” She parted with a teasing smile.

Haymitch shot her a middle finger but with a rakish smile and playfully said, “Shut the fuck up. Now I’ll scram and you do… whatever you do.” Then he spun and meant to march out the door. Unfortunately he ran _into_ the door first and grumbled, “Why do they keep moving these stupid doors?!” But then he got it right and managed to leave without further mishap.

“He’s right, Isadora. Cassia did a good job out there and you should be proud of her like I am.”

Isadora shot up to her feet and said anxiously, “Paion. Is she going to be okay? How bad off is she off? What took so long? And how long have you been standing there listening to my personal conversation?”

Paion looked at her calmly and asked his own question, “I may have not been in the field for some years, Isadora, but I was one of the best doctors the Capitol has had. Even if I am now head of the hospital, and most of my patients are President Snow and his family, I do take on others that need my help. Do you have very little faith in my abilities of a doctor?”

“You know I very well much acknowledge and appreciate about your abilities in the healing field. I trust you with my life and their lives. Just tell me how my daughter is!” She snapped worriedly, but she instantly looked down at the ground in shame and apologized, “Sorry. I. It’s been a long, emotional week. I just want to know how she’s doing and if she’s going to be okay.”

Paion’s eyes softened and he reached over to squeeze her hand softly and told her calmly, “She’s going to fine, Isadora. She’s strong. But it will take a while for her to heal physically and mentally.” He paused to let her gather her wits before continuing, “Cassia is slightly dehydrated, sunburnt, underweight from lack of food and nutrients, she has lost a lot of blood, but we have her hooked up to a blood pouch with lots of donors willing to give more if needed, and not to mention the various bruises on her body. She has a mild concussion that did need to stitches.”

Isadora relaxed a bit but asked the dreaded question, “And her more serious wounds?”

Now Paion blew out a sharp breath, one of the few times Isadora saw him unsettled, and told her professionally, “Both wounds were infected, the knee more than the burn wound, and she’s on antibiotics for those. Her knee wound has been restitched and luckily no surgery was needed on it. She will have a slight limp when she fully heals, but it is better than amputating her leg off. As for her side wound… that one was the more serious of the two. We’re treating her for third degree burns and she will be morphling for a while. But she got extremely lucky and none of her organs were pierced. She will be out of it for about a week. I’m giving her a bit longer than most to let her rest. After the week is up then she can go to her interview with Caesar and leave here until her Victory tour.”

Isadora sighed in relief and ran a hand through her hair. Her wounds could have been much more serious, but it still didn’t account for what her mental stability might be. She wasn’t ignorant enough to think that there wouldn’t be episodes because they all had them, some just hid them better than others, but Isadora was worried if Cassia would be classified under Snow’s ‘not mentally able’ to do stuff. The only good thing about that was that Cassia wouldn’t be under Snow’s forever watch. But she had a feeling that nothing like that would happen. It was just their luck, but she wouldn’t change that luck for anything.

Isadora nodded and asked, “How bad is her mentality going to be when she processes everything?”

He glanced at her before beckoning her to follow him. “I am not that type of doctor, Isadora. I focus on physical wounds. Not mental wounds. But if I would have to guess, she won’t be the same. As for how bad...that will be up to her. And her alone.”

Isadora watched his back, trying to read him for any sort of reaction, and said, “I know you were the one that sent him the basket of medicine.”

“I wasn't the one that sent the money. I got a very good and trusted friend to get that medicine she needed. You did plead for me to help her and I told you I would try. It was the only way I could do it without Snow suspecting anything.” He said coolly as he kept walking.

Her eyes flashed in annoyance and she growled under her breath, but otherwise remain silent. Finally she asked softly, “I know you very well, Paion. You care more about the people that help that than I do. Which means you would care more about that boy from 10 saving our daughter. So...for her sake, did you go down to the morgue and see his body?”

He sighed and turned around to face her. He grabbed her arm and led her to a room with lots noise, which led her to be suspicious, and he told her, “Yes, I went down to see his body. I personally dealt with his body. He deserved that much from me after saving her life.” He paused and his eyes gleamed in fascination, “The human body is truly fascinating, Isadora.  Getting a sword straight through his chest, nearly nicking his veins around his heart, but not touching any of his vitals, which is a remarkable thing of itself.  Unfortunately the blood loss killed him in the end. It was such a shame but his death was for good cause.” 

She sighed again and relented with her questioning after figuring that it would only cause a fight between them, “Fine, I’ll stop the questioning. Where are we anyways?”

Now a smile came to his face and he said softly, “I thought you would like to see Cassia.”

She spun around and was immediately at her daughter’s side. She ignored the beeping that came from the heart monitor attached to Cassia, along with all the wires, and she brushed a hand across her face. She kissed her temple softly and settled down in the chair, holding her hand, and said to Paion, “Thank you. For everything you have done for her and will continue to do for them both.”

She didn’t look up when she felt a hand brush through her hair or his quiet voice saying softly in her ear, “No need to thank me, Isadora. They are my children as much as yours. Just don’t forget that you know these games that Snow and everyone plays. They will both be involved in his games now that Cassia has won.”

He started to leave but stopped with one last thing to say though, “Oh and Isadora? It would be best for you to not ask questions like you did about the boy. Questioning me or anyone about it...can be classified as dangerous and you don’t want any more trouble, do you?” With that he left the room, shutting the door quietly behind him

Isadora snapped her eyes up to him, but he was out of the room before she could ask him what he meant. She wondered just what Paion meant by that, but quickly shook her thoughts away.  She needed to focus on Cassia’s healing process. Her daughter was more important than anything. She just needed to know if she would okay in the long run. She did briefly wonder just what Paion had gotten himself into, but quickly shook those thoughts away. Paion was a big boy that could handle himself in whatever mess he got into. She could only hope it didn’t come back and bite Cassia in the ass.  


* * *

 

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

Cassia was aware of an annoying beeping next to her ear. No matter how much she tried, she couldn’t rid of the beeping. She wanted it stop because it was slowly dragging her out of the darkness and she wanted to stay in the darkness. She couldn’t remember why other than that it wouldn’t cause her any more pain.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

Pain? Had she been in pain? Concentrating she could feel a faint pulse of pain coming from body...more like from her side and her leg? Confused even more, she became more aware and groggily blinked open her eyes to get the answers she wanted.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

She turned her gaze towards the beeping sound and furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. A heart monitor? Why was she hooked up to a heart a monitor? The memories were blurry but she felt something warm on her hand. Her gaze went away from the heart monitor to her mother, who was sitting on a chair and dozing, when the memories started to come back. The reaping, the entire week before hand, the actual arena, and Xander’s death. Her breath let out a hitch and she automatically squeezed her mom’s hand.

“Cassia! Baby girl! You’re awake.”

She blinked at her mom’s voice and nodded slightly.  She watched as a smile full of relief came to her mom’s face and then she was being smothered by kisses and hands gently running over her face. She shut her eyes and just took in her mom’s comforting and safe presence. She was more aware of the pain, her mom talking to her, a nurse coming in and asking her questions that she answered, before she went back to sleep.

She slept for a few days, waking up here and there for short periods of time, before she woke up for good. They had taken her off the morphling and everything else that she had been on, letting her get used to the pain, though she was still on antibiotics for a bit longer, and now was the day she would go back out into the world as the Victor of the 69th hunger games.

The door opened and Cassia looked at it hopefully. She wanted it to be her mother or Mags. Even Finnick or Kouza would do at this point, but it wasn’t someone she recognized at all. It was a tall, black male, who was clearly very well off in the Capitol if his appearance was anything to go by, and he was wearing a doctor’s coat. Which she guessed meant that this was her doctor.

Cassia watched as he walked to the end of her bed, pick up her chart, and read it. There was silence between them as she watched him read her chart. The silence continued even when he put the chart down, as he came over to her and started doing some hand on tests, asking her the odd question and how she was feelings, until he dropped her wrist and told her, “I should have introduced myself. I’m Paion. I was a doctor here at this hospital until I took over as head of it a while back. I still work on cases as a doctor to those who interest me.”

Cassia raised an eyebrow and asked curiously, “And I interest you?”

He paused and studied her before answering, “Yes, you do. For reasons I will not tell you.” He was immediately professional, “Your heart rate is good. Your blood pressure is good. The wound and burn on you are healing quite nicely. For your leg I would recommend doing some exercises to keep the muscles relaxed and moving. Get them used to moving again though you will always carry a slight limp with you.”

Cassia took all of this information in with a deep breath. She released it and pushed down the anxiety she was starting to feel. “Thank you for telling me the truth about my injuries. I appreciate it.” She said softly.

Then the doctor did something strange. His face had softened at her words and she walked over to her. He placed a hand on her shoulder, giving it a small comforting squeeze, and with a voice as soft as her own, “You deserve nothing but the truth from the ones that mean well. Not everyone will be truthful towards you. There will be lies and games to hide the truth. But from what I have seen...you are a kind, brave, amazing girl. You’ll survive what is going to be thrown at you.”

Cassia looked up at him and locked eyes with his dark brown ones. She felt confused at his words. She wasn’t in the mood, or right frame of mind to be playing these kinds of games. She didn’t want to play any games, but she didn’t have time to respond before there was a mixture of bright and dark colours that filled the room with lots of yapping. During the time her prep team was preparing her, the doctor had left, and she took comfort in the voices of her prep team.

She didn’t really pay much attention to what they were doing to her, or Kouza coming into the room after they were done and getting her dressed. She was trying to focus on the dread that was building up inside her. The interview was coming up. The interview that would show a recap of the games...of her games. They would highlight all the deaths, all of her choices and the deaths she had made, but most of all….they would focus on her and Xander. And she hadn’t even so much as thought of him expect for a couple of times. The pain that echoed through her heart making her unable to talk about him yet. But now she would be forced to.

The ride to the studio from the hospital was a blur. She was led through different doors and hallways that it made her head spin in confusion. The closer she got to the stage, the more panicky she got, her breathes becoming more like gasps, her body shaking, and she felt nauseous with sweaty palms. She could faintly hear the crowds cheering, Caesar talking to them, and before she knew it or wanted it, she out on the stage.

She squinted at the bright lights and jerked back slightly. A small hiss of pain escaped her and when she went to move backwards found out she was in a wheelchair. She glanced at Kouza, who had wheeled her out, but he quickly left her with Caesar. She looked out into the crowd, ignoring the Capitol citizens, and relaxed at bit when she spotted her mother along with every other mentor of all of the fallen tributes.

“Cassia,” Caesar sighed once it got quiet enough, “Cassia Brownell, our fan favorite of the year. I think I can say for everyone here about how glad we are that you are here today.”

Cassia played with the beads on her bracelet. A sense of longing and pain came to her as she had automatically reached for Gwen’s necklace. She had forgotten Neptune had broken it. “Thank you, Caesar. This is what I was aiming for from the beginning. I had a lot of help getting here.” She said softly.

It went into the normal routine for every victor after that introduction. Caesar asked her about her health, how glad she must be to go back to Four and see her sister again. And then it was the dreaded recap. She had watched it with frozen eyes, a look of pain and fear on her face, and she was back in the arena again. She burst out crying at Xander’s death, which caused the Capitol citizens to cry with her, and for Caesar to comfort her in the end. Then the horrible video was over with and she was face to face with President Snow.

The only time Cassia had actually seen President Snow was when she locked eyes with him on the horse ride in. Other than that, she had heard a lot of things from her mother. How cruel and ruthless he was to keep the order in line. Anyone that went against it got punished severely.

Being up close to him now, the only thing Cassia could think was: 1) of how right her mother was and she hadn’t even talked to him yet, and 2) how he smelt of roses with a hint of something else that she couldn’t place. It was a disgusting combination that made her nose scrunch up in front of him.

Snow had greeted her kindly, talking to Caesar about one thing or another, before coming back and placing the crown on her head. Cassia was stock still in hopes that she would become invisible to him, but her luck didn’t run that deep as his gaze traveled down to her neckline.

“Such as shame that a necklace as lovely as the one you wore got broken.” His voice gave her chills and made her want to curl away from him.

She locked eyes with him and plastered a small smile on her face. “Thank you, President Snow. That necklace meant a lot to me.”

“Who gave you that necklace?”

“My sister. Though it was originally a present from our mother. She thought we could use it to remember she loved us.” She replied politely.

A small smirk came to his, though he hid it very well. “Ah, yes. I’ll assume that Isadora was right in her statement to you both. You must mean a lot to her. She must be very proud of you for winning your games. Congratulations, Miss Brownell.”

Cassia gave another nodded and sighed in relief when he walked away. She was led back out after a few more minutes and she only fully relaxed when she was with her mom, Mags, and Finnick again. She was done being in the Capitol. She just wanted to go home, grieve in peace, and try to forget about everything that happened.

* * *

 

Gwen paced in a fast walk around her mom’s house out of nerves. Her stomach had butterflies, though she briefly wondered if that had anything to do with the baby, before glowering at her stomach. It was all _its_ fault. She knew deep down that it was really her fault for getting into this mess and paying the consequences. Actually….it was her sister that was paying the consequences of her actions and their mother’s actions. Gwen might not know what exactly happened to get her name drawn, but she had a feeling it was something to do with her mother.

Her gaze flickered to the screen the interview Cassia had with Caesar. It was replaying one last time, but considering that Gwen had watched it intensely the first time, she wasn’t paying that much attention it at the moment.  At least until the part with Snow popped up and she glowered at the screen in pure hate. It was just the look on his face that set her off. As if he was all mighty and held all the power. Which he did if she were to admit reluctantly.  And she hated the fact that there wasn’t anything she could do to stop it. Not that she could with a baby on the way anyways.

Taking a calming breath, Gwen concentrated on her anger and her nerves. There was nothing she could about Snow. There was nothing she could do to change the outcome of who went into the arena and what Cass went through. What she could was give her sister a good welcoming home.

Nodding in determination, Gwen set into plan for a small three person dinner. Cassia’s favourite food followed by a homemade cake that looked more like it was made by a child. But Gwen didn’t care since she knew Cass would appreciate it being made from the heart. She didn’t have to wait long for an announcement to come out that they were arriving back.

She rushed out of her mom’s house and made her way to train station. There was already a cheering crowd lined up and she could see her mom and Cassia looking about. Cass was waving and had a fake smile on her face as she greeted the cheering crowd.

Growling in annoyance, she started shoving her way through the crowd until she spotted Cassia. Then pure happiness and elation took hold over her and she tackled her sister. They went flying to the ground, with Gwen landing on top, and she didn’t bother to hide the tears that were falling down her face. She knew the cameras were pointed at them, letting the whole of Pamen watch them, but she didn’t care.

She had her best friend back. Her sister. Her twin. Her other half. She was back, injured in more ways than one from the look of her, but Gwen was just so happy. Seeing a true smile come to Cassia’s face as her sister cried, Gwen pressed her forehead against hers, and whispered happily, “Thanks for keeping your promise. Welcome home, Cass.”


	23. Chapter 23

“ _The five stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance - are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief._ ” - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

* * *

Denial & Isolation 

Mags came to Isadora’s house with a freshly made basket as a present for Cassia. She knew the girl had been alone for some time. That was natural. But to keep this up for too long wasn’t. She would need to seek the comfort of others eventually.

Seeing Isadora, Mags came up to her and asked gently, “How is your Cassia? Do you think she might be up to a visit by now? Especially from me?”

Isadora gave her a small, tired smile. “Mags, you know both girls consider you to be more of their grandmother than my mother is to them. They love seeing you.” She sighed and rubbed her face in worry and told her, “Gwen’s moved in with her. To keep her company, but she tells me that Cass has just given up. She lies under her blanket not bothering to do anything. She has to force her to eat something. And I know I should be over there...but I’m not sure if my presence will help or make it worse. Not after that explosion Cass had at me before going like this.”

Nodding sagely, Mags cheerfully said, “I understand. Not easy, the things she’s been through. I’ll have a look in, alright?” She patted Isadora’s cheek with a warm smile and then marched off purposely to Cassia’s house and up to her room.

She peeked in and found Cassia as Isadora told her. She nodded with a smile to Gwen and gave a gesture to ask if it was alright to have some time alone with Cassia.

Gwen looked up in relief, frustration, and hope. She rubbed Cassia’s shoulder and told her softly, “We’ll be back soon, okay? I have an appointment I need to go to. I’ll tell you how it goes when I get back.” Not hearing any reply, Gwen sighed in growing frustration and stood up.

Stopping beside Mags outside the room, she made an actual sound of frustration, and asked in slight anger, “Why is she so hooked up on a dead guy? They’re nothing good other than leaving in the first place. He’s dead and she needs to move on already. She can’t keep her life on hold for him forever.”

Softly, Mags tried to explain while they were still out of earshot of Cassia, “She’s still in denial. This is the first stage of grieving, and sometimes the hardest. We have to be patient, but only she can move on herself. She loved him… that much was obvious. How would you feel if you didn’t know if...say… your own mother didn’t love you but you loved her and then she told you she loved you with her dying breath? Would you want to just move right along from that? Or would you have trouble processing that, knowing there was no chance to have a better relationship after that?”

“I would be crushed.” Gwen answered immediately. “But Mags...it’s been about three weeks now! She was fine for the first week. Talking to everyone, being her normal Cassia self, and she even helped me move into her house here! And we even started on the baby’s room, but then one day...she just exploded at mom, went up to her room, and didn’t get up. She doesn’t answer me, she won’t eat, she barely sleeps and when she does sleep she has nightmares that I have to get mom for because I can’t comfort her!” Gwen snapped with angry tears. She hated feeling useless and she especially hated feeling useless towards her twin. She just wanted to help Cassia but only ended up getting mad and storming off before an argument could start.

A gentle hand on Gwen’s shoulder and Mags told Gwen to sit down a moment. Clearly this twin needed just as much help as the other. “Denial can come in many forms, my dear. The first week she was back, she buried all of her emotions down inside. Is that healthy? Not really. I think she just wanted to pretend that everything was normal and fine. But then it all hit her. She fought for her life. She killed people. She loved someone, then lost him. She was severely wounded and had to deal with that. Her district partner tried to kill her… someone she’s seen every day of her life. And her lover died in her arms. That’s a lot for one person to process. This little shut down is part of the healing process. Denial helps us pace our feelings of grief, Gwen. There is grace in denial, you know. It’s nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle. Right now, for your sister, it’s not a lot. But eventually, you’ll see her deal with it a bit more. Then a bit more. We can help her with that. It will just take a lot of patience. And the best thing you can do is just be there for her, darling.”

Gwen rubbed her eyes stubbornly to get the tears out, “I’m trying to be patient. You know me by now...I would have blown up long ago, but she’s my sister and she’s hurting. I try talking to her and then I just lay there beside her in silence for hours. But I’m scared that isn’t enough and I’ll lose her for good.”

“I know you’re trying. And you’re doing a great job. You are. It’s hard. The thing she wants most, we can’t give her. And that would be Xander. He was so... full of it, wasn’t he? I could have slapped that boy from here to Sunday for the asshole comments he made. But I can see that he’d have gotten her out of this. But we aren’t him. And we’ll never be. So we can sympathize with her. Best thing? Talk to her about it. Say you’re sorry about everything she’s been through. But give her hope. Talk to her about your own baby. Your hopes and dreams. The future. Give her something to look forward to, instead of looking back. Don’t let her fear the past or the future.” She patted Gwen’s cheek in a motherly way and sighed.

Gwen took comfort from the touch and gave her own sigh. Kissing Mag’s cheek, she muttered, “I’ll be back later. I really do need to get to that appointment.”

Smiling at her, Mags made a shoo motion and then stepped into Cassia’s room. She warmly told her, “Hello, darling. I made you a nice pretty basket for you. I hope you like it.” She sat down on the nearby chair and showed Cassia the beautifully patterned basket.

Cassia was aware of Gwen leaving her alone and panicked for a brief moment. She didn’t want to be left alone, for being alone is when everything came back and drowned her. But she wasn’t alone long before Mags came in. Cassia wanted to answer and look more closely at the basket, but didn’t have the energy or will to do so. So she left them both in silence.

Patting Cassia’s hand, Mag’s smile became even broader and said, “I see you like it. I’m glad! I was making it especially for you while you were away. Look, it’s a very old story I weaved on here. See, it’s a unicorn. Here a maiden meets the wild unicorn, and they say that only a virgin could tame a unicorn. Now here is the unicorn lying with his head on the maiden’s lap. Now the men see the unicorn is tamed and capture him. This next frame shows the unicorn, penned and wounded. They will kill the unicorn because he is a creature they do not understand.” She pointed at the next picture, “And now the maiden has mercy on the poor unicorn. She loves the beautiful creature. She doesn’t want to see him die. Nor would it be fair for him to lead a life of captivity. See her lead the unicorn out secretly from under the noses of the men! And now she does the hardest task of all...she loves him dearly with all the love in her heart. And because she loves him, she sets him free.”

“Then the maiden... was stupid for... falling in love with him.” Cassia's voice cracked between every few words.

Putting the basket down, Mags looked gently at the young girl. “No she wasn’t. Was it easy for her? No, it wasn’t. But she found the strength to do the right thing by the unicorn. I’m sure if it was possible for him to stay with her, he would have. The maiden is fuller for her experience, her heart has a greater capacity for love now, and she now is able to make better decisions now for the greater good.” She rubbed Cassia’s hand with a soft smile, but still looked at the basket and stroked the beautiful unicorn with his head on the maiden’s lap.

Cassia’s body trembled and her breathes came out shaky. The shakiness eventually turned into sobs as she curled into a ball with her hand over her heart. “It hurts so much. I thought love was supposed to be beautiful...but why is it so painful then?” She whispered.

Wrapping her arms around the sobbing girl, Mags rubbed her back and made sounds of comfort. But finally she said, “I know it hurts. It **is** a beautiful flower when allowed to grow and blossom. And ripping it out hurts. It’s a terrible pain, but you know what?” Mags sighed and thought over some of her own experiences. “It’s better in a way to have it that way than to have loved someone and he gives it back to you. And you are left confused as to why you even fell for him, and still love him. Your lover loved you to the end. And that _is_ a beautiful thing, once you heal enough to see it, Cassia.”

“I never want to love someone like that again.” She whispered as she went back to her original silence. Love was an awful thing to feel. It was even more awful to have taken away after such a short time. She refused to feel like this ever again. No man would ever squeeze their way into her heart like that again. No one.

Again rubbing Cassia’s hand, she told the girl, “Then you don’t have to if you don’t wish it. No one is forcing you to love another man. But I must point out, you do love other people. Your sister, your mother… hopefully me. And we are all on your side. All of us rooting for you. And you can tell us anything. If you want to share something privately, it’s fine. If not, that’s fine too. Just know we love you just as much.”

Cassia sighed tiredly and shut her eyes. She curled back under the covers, done with the conversation and the emotions. She wanted to feel nothing again. That made things much simpler for her. But she would also wait here for her twin to come back. Hearing about the baby helped keep her afloat in the darkness of pain. It was her only light in the darkness for now.

* * *

Anger 

Gwen was reaching the limits of her patience. It had been another two weeks since Cassia went through her denial and isolation stage. Gwen had to admit that her sister was getting better. She was up and moving on her own, taking showers without Gwen having to worry if she was going to take her life or hurt herself, and she was eating! Those were all good things. And she was proud of Cass of being able to do that.

Only to have the nightmares to get worse. She would wake up screaming so many times a night that it was getting frustrating. Plus, Cassia would throw these episodes of where she was back into the games if you said or did the littlest thing wrong...it scared her. It scared her because she had never seen anyone act this way afterwards. Her mom drank herself drunk each year, Mags had been dealing with it by painting and her knitting, and she knew from experience that Finnick tied knots into a rope until he felt better. Cassia just went back into the games and she freaked during it. It had taken her mom to come up with the idea of coaxing a question out of Cassia (mostly is it real or is it not real) to get her calmed down again. She didn’t know what to ask half the time to Cassia and panicked herself. Thankfully Gwen was getting better at it. At least she was during the nightmares when she had to ask that to her sister. Maybe things would get better as time went on.

Gwen sighed as she padded around the kitchen making an early lunch for them. It was only soup and homemade bread, but it was the only simple thing she could think of for Cass to eat without feeling sick from all the previous lack of food.

Footsteps echoed as Cassia made her way into the kitchen in a semi-zombie state. Her normally curly hair was a literal rat’s nest, she had bags under her eyes letting everyone know of her lack of sleep, and her eyes were only dimly lit up as she watched Gwen move about the kitchen.

Silence ensued between the sisters. Gwen didn’t know what to say that she hadn’t already said and Cassia had no desire to talk at the moment. She was fine with the silence but it appeared Gwen wasn’t when she slammed her hand on the counter and snapped softly, “That’s it. I’ve had enough of this.”

Cassia raised her eyes in confusion. She had no idea what Gwen meant for she could be talking about anything and asked, “Enough of what? Pregnancy? You are only in your...what is it...your fourth month of pregnancy? Somewhere along there? You still have a long way to go, you know.”

Gwen took a deep calming breath and counted to ten. She had to go about this gently or god knows what Cassia would do. Slipping into the chair across from her, Gwen grabbed Cassia’s hand gently for support, and admitted, “I know I still have a long way to go before this kid pops out of me. And I will admit that I’m not fond of being pregnant so far. But I’m hoping I’ll change my mind when the baby starts to grow and I feel it more.”

Cassia felt her body relax at her sister’s admittance. Right now, other than her family and Mags so far, the thought and hope of the baby was the only thing that made her get out of bed most days. It was the one thing that she actually looked forward to the most. “Okay...if it isn’t the baby or the pregnancy...what is bothering you?” She asked in genuine concern.

It was this look that made Gwen hesitate. Everything in her was telling her to tell Cassia the truth. That it would hopefully help in the long run because Gwen honestly wanted to help her sister with her problems. She wanted to help fix her, help make her better, and just even make her a more grown up version of herself. It only depend on if she could tell Cass what she wanted without making it worse. “It’s been a few weeks now Cassia. And I...well...I…” she trailed off with an unsure sigh.

Deciding to just be blunt, but gently and hope it went well, she retried encouragingly this time, “It’s been a few weeks now, Cassia. You've been grieving for so long, and I know you'll continue to grieve because this isn’t something you can just get over with easily, but I also know you also can’t keep living in your grief like this. It’s not healthy and to be honest...it scares me deeply to see you like this. I want to help you! I swear that on my life, but isn't it about time you start moving on with your life again? It's what he would want."

Cassia froze at her twin’s words. Despair at the mere mention of Xander, even if Gwen hadn’t used his name, was followed by guilt and then anger. Anger at her twin for saying such a thing to her. If she had any thought of anyone understanding what she was going through was gone. If her own twin couldn’t understand then no one would be able to understand her pain. The growing anger caught Cassia off guard and she went to yank her hand away.

Gwen held on tightly and pleaded softly, “Cass...Cassia...please...I really am trying to help you -”

Cassia snarled as she yanked her hand away and stood up. Her chair was knocked over viciously and she snapped in hurt, “Help? You’re trying to help me by trying to make me move on!? I don’t want to move on! There is nothing good in my future.”

Gwen stood up more slowly but her own frustrations were spilling out now. “Yes, I was trying to help. I am trying to help, but you only want to stay curled up in a ball, content to let your life waste away. You have people out here that want to help you. This is what he would want for you!”

Cassia flushed darker as her eyes flashed. “Just go to hell! You don’t know what he would want for me. You didn’t know him and you don’t know what I went through losing him. I don’t need you! I don’t need mom! I don’t need Mags! And I sure as hell don’t need your child!” She snarled.

Gwen sucked in a breath and then her own anger flowed over. “ **STOP WITH THE FUCKING LIES!** ” She yelled. “You are lying to yourself all the time! You need us just as we need you!” She walked over and stood a foot away from Cassia and said calmer but still bluntly, “You need to move on from him. You need to feel something other than despair, and guilt, and sadness whenever someone mentions him in a sentence. So go ahead and hate me. Be angry at me. Swear, curse, punch me...do whatever you want to me, but **stop shutting me out and lying to yourself**. Just tell me what you want, damnit!”

Cassia let out a scream of rage. Her hand wrapped around something and she threw it. There was a satisfying smash, followed by more things being thrown into the wall as she kept on screaming. She screamed and threw until her throat hurt and she ran out of things throw. But she was still angry.

Glaring at Gwen, she let out a snarl and shoved her. It wasn’t hard and only sent her tumbling a couple of feet before she shoved her twin again. On the third shove, she went backwards with Gwen, her hands curling into her shirt, and shook her. “Why?! Why? Why did Neptune go after me? Why did Xander take that sword for me?! Why Gwen? Tell me why! Why is he dead and I’m alive?!” She shouted with despair mixing in.

Her knees trembled and she collapsed on her sister, who tried to grab her and keep them both up, but failing as Cassia buried her face into her baby bump. She let out wails upon wails of angry screams as she cried. She didn’t want an answer and Gwen didn’t have an answer.

“I don’t know, Cass. I don’t know. I don’t know why all of those horrible things happened or their reasons why. But I am thankful that you are here with me. And I’m sorry.” Gwen whispered as she stroked Cassia’s hair and rocked her gently.

They stayed that way for hours with Gwen crying along with Cassia, sharing in her grief as best she could, and eventually she just let them lay there in silence as they took each other’s comforting presence. Gwen hoped that she had done the right thing by this.

* * *

 

Bargaining 

Cassia sat at her mother’s kitchen table - her old kitchen table - late after supper a couple of days after the anger outburst. She still felt angry at everyone, mostly herself, but she found she was able to do a bit more than she normally had in the past since winning. Tonight had been one of those nights were she hadn’t been able to sleep, and not wanting to wake Gwen up, had headed over to her mom’s place. It felt more like home than her new place did, even with Gwen trying her hardest to make it a home.

She looked up when a steaming cup of warm milk was placed in front of her. She instantly cupped her hands around it and smiled softly. This was something their mom had done after their nightmares to calm them. Isadora would hand them the warm milk, drinking her own, and wait in silence until they were ready to talk about it. This time was no different.

Cassia wasn’t sure how long they just sat there. But finally she said as she stared into her cup, “He died for me.”

Isadora was quiet in her answer, “He did.”

“It’s my fault.”

A comforting hand, “You couldn’t stop him. It was his decision.”

Cassia felt relief at the words. There was no “that’s not true” or “it wasn’t your fault.” She was oddly glad for it. Her mom was not telling her how to feel or if it was the wrong thing to feel as she continued, “It should have been me.”

There was a sharp breath from her mother. “Yes, it should have been.” Isadora said in a strangled voice.

Cassia snapped her eyes up to her mom. Dull blue eyes met dark brown eyes as they locked in silence. In that moment without words, Cassia knew that this admittance frightened her mom deeply. She could see the fear in her eyes and Cassia looked back down to her cup. “Can I go back in time and switch places with him?” She whispered to her mom.

“No,” the answer back was sharp now causing Cassia to look up. An anger was in her mom’s eyes now, even if her voice was calm, “He gave you a gift. You live your life to the fullest in honor of him. It’s how you repay him.”

Tears welled up as she shook her head desperately. “I don’t want to live. I don’t deserve to live. I...just wish I died instead of him. Why couldn’t have Neptune taken me instead!?”

A hand cupping her chin, forcing her to look at her mother as she spoke. “Never. I mean never...tell me that you wished to die instead.” A finger pressed to her lips, “You mean not want to live now. You may not think you deserve to live. You may wish to change to go back but never regret the gift of life he gave you. I sure as hell won’t.”

Isadora paused and her thumb stroked her daughter’s tear stained face. “I know your grief. I understand your pain and your loss. I only had Mags during the time I lost everything dear to me. But baby….it takes time to move on. You meet people that help you, and you handle it in ways that you know how. And you, my darling daughter, have so many people behind you. The pain will never go away. It’ll lessen, but there will be days when it comes back with a vengeance. You’ll go back to the wishing and wanting to die. But then you’ll come out of it and you see the people that love you. And it’s only then that you’re grateful for the gift of life. Yours will come soon. I promise.”

* * *

Depression 

Finnick opened up his door and raised an eyebrow at Gwen. Her short hair was fuzzed out due the drizzle and she didn’t give him a chance to say anything. Her hand snatched around his wrist, dragging him out of his house without an explanation. He let her do it knowing it might be for a good reason.

Concern came across his features as he noticed that she was leading him to Cassia’s house. He gave her hand an encouraging squeeze knowing that she had no one else to go to help her out. “What happened?”

A desperate look back at him, her picking up speed, followed by a murmured, “She’s really, really bad today. Has been for about a week now. She went downhill after talking to mom. She won’t eat anything. I’m scared, Finn.”

Giving Gwen his famous smile, a smile that she saw threw if her look was to go by, he told her, “I’ll go help her. You stay down here and try not worry too much.” With that he walked up the stairs and opened the only door that was shut.

He sighed softly and sat down on the edge of the bed. He was soft when speaking to her, “You can’t keep doing this. I may not know how it feels to lose someone you love, but you’re scaring the crap out of the ones that are left.”

The blanket moved and brown eyes glared at him. “What do you want me to do?” She croaked out snappishly.

“I want you to get up, take a shower, and eat something. Then I want to show you something that helps me when it starts to get too bad for me.” He told Cassia honestly.

She had been about to protest angrily, but something stopped her. She didn’t know if it was his honesty, the understanding look he was giving her, or just that some part of her knew Finnick was right. So she glared hard at him, picked up some clothes that she didn’t really care for, and slammed the door followed by slamming the bathroom door to show him.

Finnick had to chuckle a bit. But he took this time, after making sure he heard the water running, to go downstairs and grab the tray of food Gwen had laid out. He snatched it up, giving Gwen a winning smile, and got back to the room at the same time as Cassia did.

She glared at him and then a food. She crossed her arms across her chest. She had taken a quick shower in hopes that it would let her be in peace. She was wrong and he was back with food. “What do you want?” She asked again.

“I want to help you. And I want you to actually listen to me this time, Cass.” Finnick said pointedly as he held the tray out. “Eat.”

Seeing that being stubborn and fighting wasn’t going to get her anywhere, Cassia grabbed the tray and started eating. She ate a couple of fruits, half a piece of bread, and two spoonfuls of soup before placing it on her nightstand.

Finnick settled down beside her and placed a rope in her hands. “This isn’t the one I use, but one I found from my father’s boat. When the depression kicks in and I find it tough to go on with my day I tie knots. I focus on that and repeat the things that make me happy to be alive.” He said softly.

Cassia looked at him, at the rope, back at him, and then the rope. Her thoughts turned to the arena and her fingers trembled as she hastily tied a knot. “Gwen.” Another knot. “Mom and Mags.” One more knot. “The baby.” A simpler knot. “My friend.” A final knot.

Cassia stared at the four knots in the rope. It did help a bit and she repeated the action a few times. During this time she expected Finnick to leave, but to her surprise he stayed. He taught her different knots. He suggested and helped her through different ways of helping with the depression like singing childhood songs or even telling old stories.

Cassia could still feel it beneath her skin as she repeated the names softly under her breath. Maybe they would help in the future for her more or maybe they wouldn’t and she would be left to a curled up ball under her covers. But these techniques were helping for this one time.

* * *

 

Acceptance 

Cassia gripped the toilet hard as she emptied her guts out. It was officially two and a half months after her victory of the 69th Hunger Games. It had been a long road these past two months, and she knew that there was an even longer road ahead of her, before she completely healed. But she was on the right track and she had people that were supporting her in this time.

She still had nightmares about the games every night. She still saw shadows of people she killed in front of her.  She still carried the guilt of Xander’s death, but she had her good days too. Days were she could laugh and forget.  Days were she got excited and talked animatedly to Gwen's ever growing stomach. Hell, she had even thrown herself into the nursery as Finnick suggested.

The only thing that had been troubling her lately was the constant need to pee and throwing up all the time like she was now. But she put that down to strain of getting back onto a regular and healthy diet after not eating for so long and the stress of everything. She wasn't too worried about it.  She would get over it sooner or later.

Another week went on with Cassia mostly sleeping, eating very little because she couldn't keep it down, and her snapping at the littlest things. She knew everyone was getting worried that she was going downhill again. But she brushed it off with telling them that she was fine and would be back on track soon.

Her words would have been true if she hadn't passed out in the middle of a visit with Annie and Finnick. When she woke up, it was in a hospital bed with a random doctor standing over her.

“Ah, Miss Brownell? Good. You’re awake. Your two friends brought you into me when you passed out on them. I kicked them outside to wait.” She said briskly.

Cassia sat up and rubbed her eyes. She casted her thoughts back to what she had been doing. Gwen had been out with her mom and Mags. Not wanting to be alone with her thoughts, she had sought out Annie and  Finnick, who had been nice enough to let her join them on their date, and they were talking when she got dizzy and then nothing.

“Well...since I'm awake now...does that mean I'm good to go?” Cassia asked hopefully.

The disciplined look she got in return made her settle down with a sigh. It was obvious that she wasn't going to be leaving anytime soon. “Okay then. Do you know what's wrong with me?”

The doctor placed her hands on her hips, looking every bit like a mother scolding her child, and told her, “Miss Brownell! I know you have been through a trying time, and I truly am sympathetic with what you went through, but if you wish to keep your baby healthy you need to start taking the right amount of care of your body. “

Cassia’s eyes snapped up and she sputtered, “Bab - baby? But I'm not pregnant! I can't be pregnant...it's not possible.”

The doctor's face softened at the frightened look on the young girl's face. “I watched your games, Miss Brownell.  You had intercourse with that young man during it. And from your expression I am assuming that there was more intercourse beforehand. The timeline of conceiving and now line up. You are pregnant. “

Cassia had no thought other than that she was going to be sick.


	24. Chapter 24

“ _The special relationship between twins is that, if there's anyone else in the world that's going to get or be the confidant that you need, it's an identical twin_.” - Sam Underwood

* * *

 

There was a bowl underneath her as soon as she thought she was going to be sick. Cassia emptied her stomach again, gagging and dry heaving afterwards. A hand rubbing her back registered in the back of her mind. Her stomach muscles tensed and quivered as she kept on dry heaving until nothing more came up.

Pregnant.

She was pregnant. She had no reason to doubt the elderly doctor. But a part of her was hoping against hope that she had been wrong. Cassia couldn’t be pregnant. She just couldn’t. The timing was awful and this world was no place to raise a child in. Not in her new life… her life full of danger, deceit, and murder. Not to mention herself. How was she supposed to raise a kid when she had episodes? Granted she hadn’t had any for a bit but they could always show up.

She slumped her shoulders and bit back tears. She blew out a breath and gave herself a small pep talk. Now wasn’t the time to be focusing on all of that. First, she needed to find out anything she could for the pregnancy and the baby. Then she could go and be by herself. Yes, that sounded like a good plan for now. She would worry about telling her mother and sister later.

Focusing on the doctor, Cassia handed back the bowl and gratefully took a sip of water to wash her mouth out. She spat it out in another cup, doing this a few times, before emptying them and putting them in the trash can. She owed it to Xander to make sure the kid was born healthy and safe. Plus, she had told him that she would raise it safe if she were pregnant. She wouldn’t go back on her word. Rubbing her eyes, she sat back down and asked, “So...what do I have to do to make sure this baby and pregnancy go smoothly?”

The doctor gave her a small smile and told her as she left the room, “I would recommend making an appointment with your own personal doctor. But for now there are a few things I can give you. Along with some advice.”  

Cassia felt relief and gave a weak smile in return. It wasn’t long before the doctor was back and holding a few items in her hand. “Here. These are prenatal vitamins that you’ll need to take” Cassia got handed a big bottle before continuing, “This is some lotion for the stretch marks. A beautiful, young woman like you shouldn’t have to worry about them at such a young age.”

Cassia stared at the bottles in her hands and smiled wider. “Thank you. I appreciate these gifts and I’ll make sure to make an appointment with my doctor.” Cassia told her before she left.

She walked up to her doctor’s office and made an appointment. It was reluctantly that she told the receptionist why, but Cassia was quick to realize that Snow would find out sooner or later. She was hoping for way, way later.

After she had done that, she finally made her way back to the hospital lobby where she was surprised to find both Finnick and Annie waiting for her.  She glanced at their clasped hands with a shot of jealousy and longing. She should be having that with Xander.  But that went away quickly at the way they stood up with worried faces. She hid the bottle labels against her legs and told them as pleasantly as she could, “Before you both ask, I’m fine. Just a small dizzy spell from trying to get back into everything.”

Annie stepped up and placed a hand gently on her arm. Her face was full of concern as she asked, “Are you sure that you’re feeling alright? Fainting like that all of a sudden didn’t seem like a normal dizzy spell.”

Giving a small, tight smile, Cassia explained, “No, it was just a dizzy spell that lead to fainting. A mixture of things from not sleeping regularly, not eating right, stress, and a couple of other things.” She held up the bottles quickly, “See? I have medicine for it now.  I’m just going to go home and sleep. Rest it off.”

Neither Annie nor Finnick looked like they believed her, but Finnick said slowly, “Okay. We’ll let you go then. I’ll drop by later to see how you’re doing. Do you want us to walk you home?”

Cassia shook her head softly now. She gave a small, grateful smile and told them, “No thanks. I’ll be fine just walking there. I’ll leave you two to your date. Have fun.”

She didn’t give them time to answer her before walking out of the hospital. She did make her way home and put the bottles away in the bathroom like she had told them. So technically she wasn’t lying about that part as she left again.

She pondered on where to go to think. There was her favourite restaurant, the private beaches behind her mom’s or Mag’s house, the docks, or the place that was just behind the fishery. Her nose scrunched up and she shook her head. No...none of those places would do. People knew that she visited to them too often. And right now, she didn’t want to be with anyone. She just wanted to be by herself. To think on everything and hopefully come to terms with this pregnancy.

Cassia walked around District Four, looking for a good spot, when she came across an unknown beach that had rocks running along the shore and the ocean waves gently hitting against them. She settled down onto the rocks and placed her face into her hands.

Pregnant. She was pregnant and it felt like the world was making her the butt end of a cruel joke. Why now out of all times? Why give her her dream only to take the rest of it away? It wasn’t fair...but she had found out long ago that life wasn’t fair. It could be a cruel bitch at times. And it seemed to just want to kick her lower and lower when she was already down.

Never mind the fact that she was terrified out of her mind for many reasons. The first reason was that her family was under the watch of Snow. She still didn’t really know what her mom did, but she had pissed him off twice, not to mention that she had made things worse by volunteering. Yeah, Snow wasn’t happy with her family and the littlest thing could set him off on them. She couldn’t lose her sister...not now, not ever for anyone or anything. The second reason was the fact this child was Xander’s. Xander...who had been a rebel. Who had made sure that he spoke bluntly no matter the punishment or who got hurt. It didn’t matter that he was dead now. Snow would be keeping an extra eye on their child considering those two things. Plus if the child was anything like Xander...then her and her whole family were screwed big time. The last reason why...was closer to her. She was in the exact same position her own mom had been in. Recently won their games, damaged beyond repair, trying to deal with damage and the horrors of the games, losing the ones they loved, and getting pregnant...they were all too similar.

_We are like mirrors of each other. All three of us. Mom set up the example. Gwen followed her in everything, but the unwanted pregnancy, and I...I was thrown in because I care too much about my sister...my twin. Now I’m pregnant along with Gwen. Do I want to follow in mom’s footsteps or do I want to forge my own road? Is it worth the risk?_ She asked herself as the questions built up. She didn’t know what those answers were but she knew that she wanted to keep everyone she loved safe. Including this unexpected mistake.

* * *

 

Gwen sighed as she saw the frame of her twin. She had finally found her after looking everywhere, including all of her private spots, and settled down on the rocky, sandy ground next to her sister. The salt air came from the ocean and Gwen relaxed as she listened to the wave’s crash gently against the rocks.

They just sat in silence before Cassia spoke up quietly, “Why are you here?”

Gwen kept her gaze on the ocean and answered as quietly, “I got home from shopping with mom and Mags and you weren't home. I bought some stuff for the nursery.”

Cassia huffed and muttered angrily, “So you assumed something was wrong? Am I that mentally gone that you need to keep an eye on me all the time?”

Now Gwen felt impatience starting to form underneath her skin. What had she done to get this kind of response? “No. I found out that you were upset about something.  And I got worried because you're my sister.” She said calmly.

Squeezing her eyes shut, Cassia blew out a breath to stop the anger from growing. But it didn’t stop some bitterness seeping into her voice, “Finnick tell you?”

Gwen looked at her sister and replied softly, “No, Annie did. She was very worried about you. She told me what happened to you. How you fainted and they brought you to the hospital. Why were you in the hospital?”

Now Cassia was surprised by this piece of information. “Annie did? Why would she be worried about me?” She asked curiously, choosing to ignore the hospital questions. That wasn’t something she was ready to tell anyone just yet.

Gwen stared at her with a strange look. “You really don't remember anything from the time you were zonked out, do you?” She paused before explaining, “When no one was able to be with you she was there. She did everything from cleaning to cooking to feeding you. She did it all without anyone asking. She...was a blessing in disguise.  I think she wants to be your friend.

Cassia snapped her eyes up to her sister in even more surprise. Her voice held a bit of disbelief in it as she asked, “My friend? Why would she want to be my friend?”

Gwen gave her own disbelieving look. She couldn’t believe on how dense her twin could be when it came to people wanting to be friends with her. And Cassia was the more social, kinder one of the two. “Um...because she just wants to? Does she need a reason to be your friend? Besides...you need more friends than Finn and I. Someone more like...you.”

Cassia felt herself bristle defensively. “More like me? What’s that supposed to mean?” She snapped hurtfully.

Gwen blew out a sigh and explained calmly, “I mean someone that holds the same interest as you do. That’s all. I didn’t mean anything by it. Jeez.”

Cassia lowered her head to knees with a sigh. She was very defensive these days that she didn’t feel like herself.  “Sorry. Everything has just been...hard lately. It feels like I’m drowning in the ocean with no way up to the surface. I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel normal again. Is there even a normal to begin with?” She apologized softly.

Gwen had a sympathetic look on her face now. Her voice was gentle, but sure of its answer, “You may not feel completely normal right now, but I can promise you that you will feel normal in the long run. These things just take time.” She paused slightly, “It did with mom. I mean she's not as normal as she was before this, but she made herself a new normal. A normal with us. I believe with all my heart that you'll have a new normal that suits you. You just need to take time to heal and figure it out what that is when the time is right.” She paused again. But this time with a small grin on her face trying to cheer Cassia up, “Even if you do have your off days...I’ll be off with you. Make it much more fun, yeah?”

Cassia jerked in surprise but then smiled softly. Gratitude flooded through her. It felt good to know that she would have someone to be there for her when she was at her lowest.  “Be off together? How do you plan on being off like me?” She asked with a hint of amusement.

Gwen was serious. She locked eyes with Cassia and said without hesitation, “By being by your side and doing whatever it is that you're doing at the time. I dragged you into things that you weren't fond of. This is only fair. Plus you’re my sister. It's in the job description.”

Cassia blinked a few times before laughing in surprise. She didn’t say anything silence for a while, preferring to stay in her thoughts, and then saying quietly, “You said mom made a new normal with us. Did you know that our father is someone from the Capitol? Mom met him on her Victory tour...six months after President Snow killed her boyfriend and our older half-sister.  Celeste was her name.  She wasn't very old.”

Gwen sucked in a breath but had an unreadable face. “We had an older sister? Huh. I always knew something bad happened…” She trailed off and put a hand on her baby bump, “but to have your boyfriend and child killed...is the worst punishment I can think of.”

Cassia mumbled her answer, “Yeah, we did. I wish we could have met her. Or would we have even been born if mom’s old boyfriend and kid had lived? I don’t know...but I still wish we could have met them both.” She went silent and thought about their own mysterious father. The only thing Cassia knew was that they had to look like him. Which brought to question on her niece or nephew’s own father. “Gwen? Who's the father of the baby?” She asked warily and hesitantly.

Gwen was silent for a long time considering on what to say. Finally she settled with a snappish, “Does it matter? He’s not going to be in the picture. At all.”

Cassia cocked her head at her sister and said softly, “It matters to me.”

Gwen sighed and rubbed her face. “The truth is that I don’t know who the father is. Which is why he’s not going to be in the picture. Because I can’t remember who it was I slept with. I was drunk and there were a few different guys that night. I honestly have no idea on which one is my baby’s father.” She admitted shamefully.

Cassia stared at her sister in disbelief.  She wanted to ask if it was all at once or by themselves. She felt her face heat up but dropped the matter. She didn't really want to know. Besides it didn't matter one single bit to her. She already loved her nephew or niece already. It was without thinking that she blurted out, “I'm pregnant.”

Gwen's sharp breath was the only sign of any expression. Cassia tore her eyes away from her twin and looked at the ocean in a mixture of shame, guilt, horror, and fear.  Cassia continued out of fear of hearing what her sister would say, “I know I shouldn’t be surprised or shocked that I am pregnant….but I am. It never occurred to me that from all the sex that I could get pregnant. I was just looking for a relief from the worry. And sex with Xander was that was to escape. I knew I made a terrible mistake! This baby is a horrible mistake that should never have happened in the first place!” She snapped angrily to herself with angry tears in her eyes.

“It’s not a horrible mistake.” Gwen said softly.

Now Cassia looked up at her twin with anger flashing in her eyes. “It is a horrible mistake! A mistake I don’t want, but can’t bring myself to even think about getting rid of it. All because I promised him that I would raise it. He’s… he’s…. dead now. And I have to honour that promise to him,” She said with growing anger.

Gwen’s own eyes flashed but she remained calm. She grabbed Cassia’s shoulders tightly and forced her to look at her. “Xander is dead and you have a baby inside you. _His_ baby is growing inside you. Sure, having reckless sex caused this situation and future situations. But Cass...if there is **one** thing I know...it’s that you have to live up to your mistakes. You made a mistake and are now carrying the consequence inside you. So...in my opinion...grow up and own it. I know that you aren’t some weakling that is damaged horribly by this.”

Cassia tried to shrug Gwen off but her sister only moved her hands. Hands gently, but firmly cupped her chin and cheek, keeping their eyes locked as Gwen continued, “You are damaged by what happened. You’re more compassionate than I am. It cuts you deeper than most and drives you nuts. But...that is only a single part of you. You are **strong** in your **own** way. And I honestly think that this mistake you made is going to be the thing that you need to become even stronger.” With that Gwen dropped her hands and stood up.

Gwen started to walk away but stopped. Her gaze went out to the ocean and then back to her older twin sister. “You are going to be a far better mother than me or mom. Even if it seems like you hate the kid now. You’ll end up loving him or her with all your heart. And that will help you heal even more. You’re going to be a great aunt and an even more amazing mother.” She said gently before leaving Cassia to her thoughts.


	25. Chapter 25

_“Which is the true nightmare, the horrific dream that you have in your sleep or the dissatisfied reality that awaits you when you awake?”_

\- Justin Alcala

* * *

 

The days blurred into another few weeks that went by quickly. Ever since finding out of her pregnancy the only people that knew where her, Gwen, the doctor, and possibly President Snow. She hoped against hope that Snow knew nothing, but knew deep within her heart that probably wasn’t the case. She also hadn’t mentioned it to her mom.

Cassia knew that this wouldn’t go over well. It would only cause even more trouble for them all, drag them deeper into this web of lies that was between everyone, but a part of her couldn’t bring herself to care so much about that. This was Xander’s child. This was _her_ child. Her very own flesh and blood. She wouldn’t give that up for anything or anyone and she would fight anyone that got in her way.

Though it was hard to fight herself. To fight the demons she carried around now. She felt open and helpless in her bedroom, especially at night when it was only her, and she had gotten back into the habit of sleeping with a kitchen knife in her hand under the pillow.  The first time she had done so was during a thunderstorm. It had been an awful night filled with nightmares when Gwen had woken her up because she had been screaming bloody murder. Cassia hadn’t thought about it, not even taking into account that it was her twin she was about to attack, and had lunged at Gwen with the knife in hand.

It was a very good thing that Gwen had great instincts for dealing with knives and attacks, plus all of the training she had done, to stop the knife before it even got close to her. But to say in the least she had not been happy. Oh, Gwen had understood, but had been slightly annoyed, and it didn’t help that Cassia had went into a very bad episode. Gwen had been more careful in waking her up from nightmares since then knowing that Cassia still slept with a knife under her pillow. She did so every night after that. It gave her some comfort.

* * *

 

_“Cass!”_

_Cassia spun around to her twin’s voice. She was on the beach back home but it was in the cool months. Her breath puffed out in small, white clouds. She pulled her sweater around her tighter and glanced up at the clouds and winced. There was a bad storm heading their way. The clouds were dark and thunder rumbled around her. It didn’t help that the ocean was growing more fierce and aggressive. The waves were becoming rougher, choppier, and higher. Yup, it was going to be a really bad one. Her nerves started to act up and she shifted from foot to foot, looking around anxiously for her twin, but not seeing her on the beach._

_“Cass! Cassia! Come on, scaredy cat! I’m over here!”_

_She started to walk towards her twin’s yells hoping that she would find Gwen soon. She had been walking for a bit, the beach going on longer than she remembered, when she heard a scream. A high pitched scream that was followed by a loud bang. Which was quickly followed by a young boy’s voice screaming, “Auntie Cass! Auntie Cass! Help me! Mommy’s hurt!”_

_Pure fear hit Cassia and she burst out into a run towards her sister’s scream and her nephew’s yell. She was getting closer to the yells of her nephew when she heard another gunshot. The fear tripled in size and she pushed herself to run faster._

_“Gwen!” She screamed out when she skidded around a bunch of rocks. Only find her sister lying on the ground.  Next to her on the ground was her niece. Her precious and beautiful nephew. Two of the three things keeping her alive...were dead._

_“ **No!** ” the scream escaped her lips desperately as Cassia collapsed on the ground beside Gwen. _

_Her hands moved fast and wildly shook her sister’s shoulder to wake her up. But Gwen wouldn’t wake up no matter how much she tried to plead, beg, or cry. Tears fell down her face and Cassia buried her face into her twin’s shoulder. She let out a desperate, piercing scream of pain. Gwen was dead because of her. Her nephew was dead because of her. Because she hadn’t been strong enough to protect them both._

_“ **Mommy**!”_

_Cassia snapped her head up at the terrified scream of her own child. She glanced sorrowfully at her sister and niece before tearing off. There was nothing she could do for them. She needed to get to her child. Her child that was still alive. So she ran around frantically, calling out names, as her fear hit an all-time when she heard no answer._

_She tripped over a rock and went flying into the sand, but a hand wrapped around her wrist and Cassia sat up frightendly but with some hope. Hoping that it was her mom or Finnick to come and save her and her child. Her hope disappeared when she saw it was the man that had tried to kill her. She let out a surprised yell and tugged on her hand harder, but he was stronger than her and yanked her hard into the sand._

_Cassia tugged on her hand when she felt more hands grab at her. Her head spun around wildly and she let out a whimper of fear. Along with the man, there was the girl she had killed on the first day, and the two boys. They kept good grips on her as they carried her to the ocean. She hit the icy cold water with a gasp but they didn’t push her under. No, that was left for the last figure that cast a shadow over her._

_“Xander?” She whispered out in confusion and fear. Was he here to save her? Cassia took a better look at him when he stepped into the light. Her eyes widened at the various bloody wounds on him and snapped her brown eyes to meet his intense blue ones. He had that dangerous fire burning in his eyes and he smirked at her in a coldness that terrified her, “Princess.”_

_That was the only thing he said to her before he was on top of her. She felt his hands go around her throat, and the others grip her arms and legs tighter, so that she couldn’t move. She didn’t have time to fight or panic before she was shoved under the icy cold water and started to breathe it in._

_“Mommy!”_

_The voice. Her child’s voice. She couldn’t make out the gender, but she heard them calling for her. They were scared. They needed her and she was letting people drown her. Another call to her and she felt determination._

_Cassia struggled against the hands until they disappeared. She shot up out of the water, spitting out water and gasping for breath, as she made her way back to the shore. Once she got up to the shore, she knelt in the sand when a shadow was looming over her._

_“Mommy!”_

_Cassia’s eyes shot up to the yell. Right in front of her was her child. She still couldn’t make out the gender from the water running into her eyes, but she could make out dark hair along with dark skin. But the skin wasn’t as dark as hers and not as light as Xander’s.  She stared at the child in awe before a male’s laugh echoed around them._

_Now Cassia turned her eyes up the laugh and she felt her blood run cold. Neptune. Neptune had her child. The sword that was used to kill Xander was pressed against the throat. Cassia stared in horror at the red drenched sword as blood droplets fell into the soft sand._

_She lunged forward to stop Neptune from killing the child but she was too late. The sword moved swiftly against the child’s throat, followed by a sickening gurgle, and then the body landing in the sand with a loud thud._

_Cassia fell to her knees with a desperate scream on her lips, ready to release it, when Neptune walked over to her. As he walked he changed into an older man with white hair and rose smelling breath. She couldn’t see anything as Snow knelt down and whispered something she couldn’t make out in her ear. Then she was falling into darkness with the bodies of the loved ones she lost around her._

Cassia sat up gasping for breath. Her body shook hard and there was something wet falling on her but none of that mattered. Her hands instantly went to her stomach, pressing down on it frantically, trying to feel for any sign that the baby was lost. Feeling no signs, but still freaking out from fear, she grabbed her knife and stumbled out of the bed.

She tripped over her feet as she swung the door open and ran out into the hallway. She blinked a few times to gather her bearings before running to Gwen’s room. She let the door slam into the wall, made her way over to Gwen, and shook her hard. “Gwen! Gwen! Wake up! We need to go. We need to go somewhere safe now! It’s not safe here.”

“What are you talking about?” Gwen muttered sleepily.

Ignoring Gwen’s question, Cassia grabbed her arm and tugged her out of the bed. She grabbed the blanket, and shoved a couple of pillows into Gwen’s other arm, before dragging them both to the bathroom. She pushed Gwen in, shut the bathroom door, and locked it.

She grabbed the pillows from Gwen and placed one in the bathtub and the other on the ground right next to it. Turning to Gwen, she told her urgently, “It’s not safe out there. It’s too open...anyone can sneak up and kill us. So get into the bathtub. I’ll take the floor and I’ll protect you. You’ll both be safe.”

Gwen grabbed Cassia’s hand and said softly, “We are safe out there. No one is going to come and kill us. Okay? We’re safe.”

Tears of desperation welled up in her eyes and she snapped hysterically, “No! No, you’re not. He can kill you out there….he can kill the babies... **it’s not safe**.” She clutched the knife harder as she paced the small bathroom.

Gwen watched her sister with sympathy and guilt. Whatever had happened had gotten her riled up big time. Not wanting to make things harder for Cassia, and fearing that all of this stress would harm the baby, Gwen relented softly, “Okay. Okay. We’ll stay in here.” She got into the tub with a little bit of difficulty and settled down, “We’re safe now, Cass. We’re safe. All of us.”

Cassia felt her body relax once Gwen got settled into the tub. She lay down with her back against the tub, knife under her pillow, as she watched the door. Eventually she calmed even more when she heard Gwen’s deep breathing and nodded back into a fitful sleep herself.

* * *

 

When Cassia woke up the next morning, she was still on the floor and was quite uncomfortable. But she was used to being uncomfortable from the cave, and then later, the spot that they had ended up staying in.

She lay there silently, listening for any unusual sounds, but only hearing Gwen's steady breathing.  Relaxing with this new found safety, Cassia released the hold on her knife as she sat up quietly.

She sat up, rubbing her neck and back on the sore spots, and turned to look at Gwen, whose brown eyes locked onto her, asking her worriedly, “Are you okay? No one got a hold of you? Hurt either of you?”

Gwen pushed herself with a grunt. She rubbed her stomach and grumbled, “We're both fine. We were fine last night and we'll be fine later on.” Seeing the hurt look on Cassia's face, she groaned and sighed, “I didn’t mean it like that. I'm glad you kept us safe last night. That you want to keep us, but Cass…we **will** be fine. I promise to not do anything stupid to get Snow on our case even more.”

Cassia shook her head wildly and tugged at her curls. “No...no...we will never be safe as long as Snow is around. He'll come and show his true colours sooner or later. And...That’s...that’s when I lose you.”

Gwen grabbed Cassia’s hands tightly. “You won’t lose me. I promise you. You aren’t going to lose us.” She paused and scrunched her eyebrows together in thought, “I have an ultrasound to go to today. Come with me and I’ll show you proof that we’re both fine. Besides you have an ultrasound today too. You skipped out on your last one that would tell you when you’re due and all that good stuff.”

Cassia was about to argue back when she felt a burning sensation in her throat. She knelt beside the toilet just as she got sick. She hated this part. So much. It seemed that no matter what she ate, she would throw it back up. Crackers helped calm it down slightly afterwards and she had been sticking to foods like soup, chowders, and stews, plus the vitamin she needed to take and lots of healthy fruit.

A hand rubbed her back gently as she got sick. Cassia dried heaved for a bit until she rested her head against the cool porcelain god. The light reflected off her bracelet and she muttered softly, “Sorry for not bringing your necklace home.”

A snort and Gwen’s assuring voice, “I would rather have you back here than a necklace. You mean so much more to me.”

Cassia smiled softly and winced in pain when she moved her bad leg. She straightened it out, messaging at the wound to help the cramping, and sighed loudly, “We need to go to the ultrasounds, don’t we?”

“Yeah, we do. Now come on. Let’s go. You have yours first and then mine right after.” Gwen said softly, trying to help Cassia help onto her good leg. But having a bloated stomach made it hard, and it didn’t help that Cassia waved her off after she got standing.

Cassia glanced at the pillows and blanket in the bathtub. She wanted to take a shower before the dreaded ultrasound, but she didn’t want to move them since they would be sleeping back in here tonight.

Gwen must have been the same train of thought because she said sternly, “I’m not sleeping in the bathtub or the bathroom again.” She held up a hand to stop Cassia’s worried protests, “But if it’ll make you feel better, we can both hole up in your room. Make a fort across the windows, lock all the openings, and you can sleep in front of me with your knife.”

Cassia pursed her lips as she looked around the bathroom. The bathroom was smaller and safer, but she could see where Gwen was coming from. It was too cramped and they would need it for going to the actual washroom and would be too much hassle carrying everything back and forth. She crossed her arms and sighed softly, “Okay. We can stick to the bedroom...as long as we stick a chair under the door knob.”

Gwen chuckled softly and nodded, “We can do that. Now go and take a shower. I’ll have some breakfast made for you. We’ll leave afterwards. It’s going to be fine, Cass. I promise.” She gave her sister’s hand a soft squeeze and walked out of the bathroom with the pillows and blanket.

Cassia sighed and got the water temperature to what she wanted it be. She undressed quickly and jumped in. She washed her hair and body and after just let the water flow down her in a relaxing way. She placed her hands on her still flat stomach and thought about the baby. Would it be a boy or a girl? What it look like her, Xander, or a mixture of them both? Would the child live long enough to see most of its life?

Cassia made a disturbed sound with that question and shook her head to get rid of it. She turned the water off, got out and toweling herself dry, went back into her bedroom. She tried not to think of the nightmare that plagued her thoughts as she got dressed.  She frowned when her top felt a bit snugger than it normally did. Not knowing on what to think of that, she went downstairs after pulling her hair up into a bun.

She found a bowl of fruit on the table along with yogurt. She didn’t bother touching the food, too nervous to eat, and instead drank some water when Gwen came out fully dressed and they left for the hospital. The walk down and the wait to get in was the most boring part. Cassia tapped her foot nervously, fidgeting from the sterilized smell of the hospital, and just plain not wanting to be there. Finally her name was called and she bolted out of the waiting room with Gwen trailing behind her.

The tech that was doing both of their ultrasounds let out a warm chuckle when they came. His eyes looked between them with kindness and friendliness, as he told them cheerily, “My name is Aiden, and I’ll be helping both of you lovely ladies today.” He paused, looking between them once more, before smiling at Cassia, “Okay dear. Lay down on your back, roll up your shirt, and we’ll get started on checking you out.”

Cassia sighed and lay down. She pushed her shirt up and allowed the tech to rub this gel on her belly. She jerked in surprise at the coldness and got a laugh out of both the tech and Gwen. “Sorry. I should have warned you that it might be a bit cold. Now let’s see how your little one is doing.” He said with an easy smile.

Cassia glanced up at Gwen, who gave her an encouraging smile, before looking at the screen that was showing a hazy picture on it. The tech guy was silent as he pressed the stick against her stomach, moving it around, and talking to them both as he did so. “You only have one fetus in there. The baby is in the right place, so we don’t have to worry about it growing somewhere it isn’t supposed to.”

Now he smiled and got a perfect picture of the baby on the screen. “You see this dot?” He asked Cassia, pointing to a small dot in the middle of the screen, “That right there is your baby. Your baby is about the size of raspberry and seems perfectly healthy.”

Cassia felt her breath hitch as she stared at the tiny dot. She surprisingly felt herself choke up on emotions as she breathed out, “That’s my baby?”

Gwen grabbed Cassia’s hand and squeezed hard. Her eyes danced in happiness and she said softly, “That’s your baby, Cass. All healthy and perfect.”

Cassia could only stare at the screen with mixed emotions. She was aware of the tech talking and Gwen answering, but she couldn’t bring herself to tear her eyes away from the small dot. At least she couldn’t until Gwen slapped her shoulder a bit harder than normal. Her sister had a smug, exasperated, and happy look on her face, “Get up, Cass. It’s my turn now.”

Flushing in embarrassment, Cassia wiped the goo off of her stomach, pulled her shirt down, and got off the table. As soon as she was standing up, she was handed a picture of the tiny dot, and remembered that Gwen had gotten one at her first ultrasound too.

She traced her fingers over the dot in wonder, Gwen and the tech once again only background noise, as she got lost in the wonder, awe, and fear of the baby in this picture. There was so much riding on this baby. She had to keep it safe. She just had too.

“Cass! It’s a girl! The baby is a girl!”

Cassia jerked her up and blinked at her sister. Gwen had sounded a mixture of disbelief and excitement. Turning her gaze to the screen, she saw an actual baby on the monitor. Her niece. A smile grew on her face and she started laughing. She laughed and laughed in happiness. “A niece? Gwen...I have a niece!” She giggled out happily.

“Yeah, you do. Huh. I wasn’t expecting this, but I’m not as disappointed as I thought I would be.” Gwen mused as she looked at the screen with a bit of love in her eyes. Then she turned her gaze to her sister with mischief, “Guess what we’re doing after this? Baby shopping for the nursery.”

* * *

Cassia blinked at all of the baby stuff in the store. Now that Gwen knew the gender from today’s appointment...she felt happiness take over the fear and stress that had worked into her body. A niece. She was going to have a niece! The thought seemed surreal to her, but at the same time, it was a good thing. And she was more than happy to accompany her sister to help with the nursery. What she wasn’t fond of was that Gwen seemed to want to decorate it for her baby too.

“Gwen...my child won’t be born for another few months. Why am I decorating for it now when I have other things to do?” She asked her sister quietly. She watched her twin as she trailed behind her, looking at the baby stuff in disgruntlement.

“You need to focus your mind on something else other fear and stress. You'll end up sick if you don't. And I _know_ that you don't want to lose the baby. No matter how against it you seem to be right now.” Gwen answered. She stopped and grinned at her twin, “Now...which colours do you want for the nursery? Since we don't know the gender of yours yet, I was thinking neutral colors. Or some kind of theme?”

Cassia blew out a sigh knowing that she wasn't going to win. She had been worrying and stressing since finding out. Maybe this would get her mind off it. Shrugging, she looked around at the paint colours, eyeing them closely and very unsure. A theme would be nice, but at the same time, she felt like simple colours would do well too. Finally, she picked out two colours that caught her eye the most, and held them out for Gwen to see. “How about these? A pale yellow and a light green?”

Gwen cocked her head with narrowed eyes in thought, trying to picture how the nursery would look, and then pursued her lips and asked curiously, “I like the colours. Just...how are we going to use them?”

Cassia shrugged and rubbed her face. “I don’t know. Let’s just look around and see if anything else comes to mind. Maybe we’ll picture something.” She muttered under her breath.

Gwen sighed softly as she watched Cassia walk away to look around. It seemed she wasn’t getting her sister’s mind off of it just yet. But she still had time this afternoon to do so. But for now, she just looked around for anything of interest to her.

She had made her way through a few different aisles when she landed in one called ‘wall decal and wall decor.’ Slightly curious, Gwen walked down the aisle and stared at the stuff with amusement. Until something caught her eye and she burst out laughing in glee. “Cass! Hey, Cass! Come here and see these things. They’re hilarious.” She called to her sister excitedly.

Cassia had been further down the same aisle looking at these cute small wall decals when Gwen had called her. They were cartoonish and had many sea animals including: different types of fish, starfish, dolphins, sharks, coral, bubbles, different coloured pearls, and even octopuses.

She snatched up three of them and headed towards Gwen. She looked at her sister holding up four different pastel lantern jellyfish. The colours were pink, purple, white, and a green.  She couldn’t help but snort very loudly at Gwen’s excited face. “What are you thinking?” she asked curiously.

“I’m thinking that we hang them above the cribs. The cribs will be on opposite sides which will let me have the pink and purple and you can have the white and green. Or we can place them in each corner of the room and let them hang that way.” Gwen said proudly. This kind of stuff wasn’t really her forte which is why she was so proud to have thought of this.

Cassia smiled in excitement for the first time. “I found these wall decals. They’re just stickers that go onto the wall. What if we split the room into two colours? The top half can be the pale yellow and the bottom half the green. In the middle around the room, we leave a white strip big enough to place these stickers on.” Cassia suggested as she started to get hyped up.

Gwen’s eyes lit up in with a wide grin on her lips, “That’s...absolutely perfect! We get the best of both worlds. A bit of a theme with a gender neutral room for your little one.”  She high-fived her sister in happiness.

Cassia laughed softly and smiled at Gwen’s enthusiasm. She smiled back and they continued to shop for the necessary things that they would need to paint the room. Things felt brighter now. Like they would be okay as long as she had her sister and friends by her side. But she should have known better than to think everything was okay.

As soon as they walked into her home, Cassia was greeted with the sight of some Peacekeepers and her mother standing tensely by the door. She had opened her mouth to ask why there were Peacekeepers in her house, but her mom said tightly, “President Snow is popping in for a...visit. He’s in the study room waiting for you and Gwen.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	26. Chapter 26

“ _ Everyone wants to tell you what to do and what's good for you. They don't want you to find your own answers, they want you to believe theirs. _ ”

\- Socrates,  _ Peaceful Warrior _

* * *

 

 “President Snow is popping in for a...visit. He’s in the study room waiting for you and Gwen.”

Cassia stared at her mother as the words bounced around her head. She felt sick. Her palms were clammy, she knew she had went as pale as she could with her skin colour, and she trembled from fear. “Snow...is here?” She whispered fearfully.

Gwen immediately placed the bags down, snatching the ones Cassia had been holding and put those down too, and grabbed her hand tightly. She gave a comforting squeeze and whispered in her ear, “Breathe, Cass, Breathe. In and out. There you go. Okay? You need to stay calm when talking to him. Show him that you’ve done nothing and just take it all in.”

Isadora placed a hand on Cassia’s shoulder, followed by a kiss on the forehead. The only thing she told her was, “Listen very carefully to him. And whatever he offers you...offers to the both of you...take it without arguing.” She gave Gwen a knowing look that said to behave for once. There would be consequences if she didn’t for all of them. Thankfully, she didn’t have to worry about Cassia. She knew her daughter was scared enough to do anything Snow wanted.

Cassia leaned into her mom’s touch before straightening up. It would probably be best to get this visit with Snow over with. Hopefully it would go well and was only a visit to see how she was doing. Though that was just wistful thinking on her part as she walked with Gwen to the study room.

She hesitated at the door, glancing at Gwen, who had a grimace on her face, before smiling a bit. The only good thing was that she had her sister with her.  Whatever horrible thing President Snow had to show them they would get through together.

Cassia nodded to Gwen and opened the door. She walked in first, hearing Gwen right behind her shut the door, and looked around for Snow. It didn’t take long to find him sitting in the chair behind the desk, hands clasped together on it, in his usual white suite with a white rose in the pocket.

Snow leaned over a bit and gestured to the two chairs in front of him. “Misses Brownell, how nice of you both to join me.”

Cassia gave him a small smile in time. She glanced over at Gwen and saw an unreadable expression on her face. She sighed to herself. At least Gwen wasn't saying anything to piss him off. Turning to President Snow, she said as pleasantly as she could, “The pleasure is all ours, President.”

Gwen spoke up in a tight voice, “Yes, President Snow. The pleasure is all ours.”

Snow addressed them both and gestured again at the two chairs, “Please Miss Brownell, sit down. It is your home. And you both live here.”

Cassia, not wanting to piss him off in any form sat down quickly her stomach churned and tied itself into knots from worry. She saw Gwen out of the corner of her eye hesitate. Cassia held in her breath, waiting for her twin to say or do something stupid, but relaxed when Gwen sat down beside her. She felt a hand slip into hers and clutch it tightly.

Snow looked them both over with careful eyes before looking at Gwen. He made his voice sound pleasant as he said, “Miss Brownell, I wish to congratulate you on your pregnancy. Children are marvelous creatures.”

Gwen's eyes flashed and the hand in Cassia's tightened even more. Her other hand went to her stomach protectively, causing Cassia to wince slightly in pain and squeeze back, but her answer was short but pleasant, “Thank you, President Snow. My pregnancy wasn’t planned but...my child is already marvelous to me.”

Snow smiled and nodded to Gwen. Turning to Cassia, he asked softly, “Miss Brownell...when were you going to inform me of your pregnancy as well?”

Cassia felt her heart beat faster and her palms went clammy. She felt a burning sensation in her throat and wanted to throw up then and there. But she swallowed the feeling, took a few deep breaths, and made sure Gwen was still there. Getting a response back from her sister, Cassia said with a nervous tinge in her voice, “I was planning on telling you, President Snow. I’ve just...It’s been...” Pausing and breathing out slowly to help her not ramble on, “I’ve been coming to terms with my pregnancy. It’s been hard.” She trailed off there, the familiar pain of loss shooting straight to her heart.

Snow looked pleased about the last part, but he didn't comment on it other than his eyes flashing in glee. Instead he told her quietly, all the while staring at her intently, “The children of rebels have the potential to become rebels, unless the parent takes care not to let that happen. Miss Brownell...do you know what I do to the people that show signs of rebelling against me?”

Cassia place a hand on her stomach and curled her fingers into the barely visible bump, and nodded softly with tears in her eyes, and whispered hoarsely, “Yes, I have a faint idea.”

Snow smiling even more, pressed a button or something, and up popped an image of her mother on the small tv. Cassia’s breath hitched when she realized that they would be watching something. She was now regretting ever moving the tv into here just because she hadn’t wanted one in the kitchen and had thought the study would be perfect to have it.

There was little sound on the video and Cassia couldn’t help but stare in wonderment at it. It showed them their mother yelling profanities at the end of her game, Snow coming down to visit like he was now, the Peacekeepers shooting a guy and child. Cassia had gasped loudly at this part and a stray tear fell down. She couldn’t bring herself to look at Gwen as the tv went fuzzy before a second video started. The second video of the Victor Haymitch from District 12 as he used the force field around the arena and him getting the same punishment as her mother.

Snow didn’t wait for her to calm down or gather herself up as he explained, “You see, Miss Brownell, I can’t harm any of my Victors but I can harm those around them to keep them in line. They are in the spotlight of the people of Panem. They always have eyes on them. To keep them from rebelling against me,” He paused now, looking at them both carefully before continuing, “I use certain measures to keep them in line. Isadora has already rebelled twice against me. Then you made eyes turn on you by volunteering for your pregnant sister. Do I need to worry about you, Miss Brownell?”

Cassia was shaking from fear. She wiped her eyes, knowing that it was useless now that he had seen her weakness, and knew what he meant. He couldn’t hurt _her_ family since all of them where in the public’s eyes. But he could hurt Xander’s family by punishing them for Xander’s own acts of rebelling and for her own. She couldn’t cause any more pain to his family. They didn’t deserve it. So, she understood the warning perfectly and shook her head, “No, President Snow. You have nothing to worry about from myself or my child.”

There was a silence for a few moments that felt like hours. Cassia started playing with Gwen’s fingers as a nervous habit, rubbed her flat stomach in a comforting way, and waited with her breath held in for Snow to answer. Then finally he did, “I am glad to hear that.” Now he gestured between the two of them, “You are both in the attention of Panem now. Miss Brownell, when you go on your Victory tour, after your stop back here, your sister will be joining you for the rest of it. The people of Panem wish to see her and the child you fought to protect. Then afterwards, the both of you and your children will go to all of the events in the Capitol.” Getting nods from them both, he turned to Cassia now, “I have a granddaughter myself. She is a bit older than your child will be, but she has shown an interest in you. You will come down to the Capitol when she wishes to have a play date.”

Gwen sucked in a breath, opened her mouth to protest on Cassia’s part, but shut it when Cassia hits her. Cassia gives her a small glare and shake of the head. Huffing slightly, Gwen crosses her arms and settled down. Cassia breathed out a sigh of relief as she turned to Snow with a forced smile on her face, “Of course, President Snow. It’ll be my pleasure and honour to have my child play with yours.”

Snow smiled at Cassia, who could see the pleasure and happiness at having her under his thumb, and stands up saying, “Now, I must bid you both farewell for now, for I have other matters to attend to.”

They let him leave the room first, following behind him quietly, only to find that had Snow paused in front of their mother. Cassia felt her stomach leap up to her throat. Nothing good could come this.

He smiled that cruel and pleasant smile of his and said to Isadora, “Ah, Isadora. A pleasure as always at seeing you. I congratulate you on your grandchildren. Children are such precious things.” With that he smile even wider at Isadora’s shocked expression and left with the peacekeepers.

* * *

 

There was silence as Snow left the family of three with his parting words. Cassia stared at the ground in shame. She didn’t want to see the shock and anger on her mom’s face because she knew her mom would be angry. Very, very angry at her for keeping this baby a secret.

Her breath hitched and shuddered as she blew it back out. She felt Gwen’s hand squeeze her hand hard in a comforting way. This wasn’t going to over well. Once again she curled her hand into Gwen’s. Tilting her head towards her sister only, Cassia felt nausea hit her at Gwen’s unspoken message: She wasn’t about to step in and take control. If things got out of hand, then she would, but until then she would be a silent observer and support system for Cassia.

“Mom...I -” Cassia started off before trailing off. She took a shaky breath and looked up at her mother. Her mom deserved so much more from her than what she had done to her. “Mom...I’m sorry.” She whispered apologetically.

Isadora’s face was blank but her eyes were full of hurt. “Sorry for what? For keeping your pregnancy a secret from me? For finding out by Snow? Or how about for getting pregnant in the first place?” Isadora’s voice rose with anger and hurt at each question.

“No! Yes! I mean...I don’t….you would have been mad...I didn’t...I didn’t want to disappoint you!” Cassia stumbled over her words, trying to explain to her mom about the thought process that had taken ahold of her when she had found out about her pregnancy. Her mom had to understand her reasoning, right?

Isadora blew out a sharp breath and took a deep one in. She closed her eyes and exhaled slowly, trying to calm herself. Getting angry would nothing but bring more pain right now. She had to remember that as she spoke to her daughter. “Disappointed in you? Why would you think I would have been disappointed in you about your pregnancy? I am disappointed in you for sleeping with that awful guy. He is… wasn’t the ideal guy to have a child with though! He brought ruin on everyone around him and now he’s cursed you for eternity with a baby that will be on Snow’s radar all the time!” Isadora snapped at her.

Cassia felt her own anger boil and she retorted back angrily, “You mean just like you! You brought ruin on your first family, went out and got pregnant again, and brought ruin on your second set of children. I’m just follo-”

“ **ENOUGH! The both of you!** ” Gwen yelled out now. She walked in between them, glaring at each them, before snapping at her mom, “Mom, Cass is sorry that she didn’t tell you. She was going to tell you soon but she **is** scared for the exact reasons that you just listed.” Turning to her twin, her voice held the same anger but her tone wasn’t quite a snap, “Cassia… **don’t** go blaming mom for this fully. She made mistakes in her life just like you have. She is trying to help you. I bet if you had told her from the beginning, she could have helped you prepare for Snow. But you didn’t and now you have to live with it.”

Gwen crossed her arms now, looked back and forth between them once more, before saying softly, “This is what Snow wanted when he told you mom. He wanted you two to fight. For all of us to split up and stay quiet and you both just nearly walked straight into his hands. If we want all of us to survive….for our children to survive….we have to work together to make it happen or everything we know will be destroyed by him.”

Isadora stared in surprise at her temper ridden daughter with a smile on her face. “Gwendolyn...you have matured since the beginning of your pregnancy. I’m proud of you.” She looked over at her other daughter and grabbed her hand, “I’m proud of both of you. You two are my sun and moon. I just want to keep you both safe but I’m having a hard time with each new…. _situation_...that pops up.”

Cassia blew out a soft sigh and squeezed her mom’s hand in apology. “I’m sorry, mom. I really am. I never wanted you to find out this way about the baby. I had planned on telling you tonight but it seems like I’m too late.” Now, she moved over to her mom, pressed her face into her shoulder and whispered, “I’m scared, mom. Snow….he wants my baby to be used as a play date with his granddaughter and some of the other children. Plus he wants Gwen, the kids, and I to be public figures for the Capitol.”

Isadora wrapped her arm around Cassia while her other one pulled Gwen up to her. Holding both her daughters in her arms, she whispered to them both, “I know you’re both scared. I’m scared too. But I promise... ** _I_** **_promise_**...no harm will come to either of you. I promise you all that.”

Cassia felt her body relax at the presence of her mom and sister. She was home, she was safe for now, and even though there was still hurt between her mom and herself, Cassia hoped that nothing bad would happen for a while. They all just needed some time to heal and get used to everything. All of their lives were about to change for good and bad.


	27. Chapter 27

“ _Aunt: A cherished friend and personal cheerleader who will always see you through rose colored glasses_.”  – Unknown

* * *

Cassia hummed as she looked around the finished the nursery that she had finished off with Annie’s help about a week ago. It was nearing the end of Gwen’s pregnancy and Cassia was within the middle of her own, being six months pregnant now, and knowing that she would be helping Gwen with the baby and dealing with her upcoming victory tour, Cassia wanted one less thing to worry about.

_Well… close to six months. Either I’m in the six month or at the very end of the fifth month. Even Doctor Aeliana said it would be hard to tell with the amount of sex we had within those couple of weeks. Almost every night. Oh well, I don’t care. Just as long as my baby turns out healthy,_ Cassia thought to herself.

It had been an interesting and stressful three months since Snow’s visit. She still had the nightmares and had started seeing Xander’s image everywhere at odd times. She still slept with the knife in her hand and under her pillow. Gwen had kept her promise and stayed with her, allowing her to do whatever she wanted to make her feel better. But then in the last two weeks, Gwen had put a stop to it. Something about wanting to be in her own room just in case her own baby needed her. That way she wasn’t waking Cassia up.

Cassia winced at that memory. Gwen telling her that had led to a nervous breakdown and a huge fight between the sisters. Cassia wanting her sister and niece close to keep them safe from Snow and Gwen wanting space and bonding time with her own child. It had gotten to the point that their mom had to step in. Things had calmed down between the two sisters, but Cassia couldn’t say the same about her and her mom.

Her mom had been hurt about how she had to find out about the pregnancy and things had been tense between mother and daughter. Her mom still talked to her, still helped her with her mental problems, and even helped make nutritious meals for them both. She had even helped assemble the cribs, place the dressers, the cribs, the dressing table, and two rocking chairs where they wanted them to be. It hadn’t been easy since both she and Gwen had different ideas on how the room should look like.

But they had finally agreed on something and Cassia was pleased with how it had turned out. The nursery was split into two main soft colours: a pale yellow and a pale green. The top half was yellow and the bottom half was green. The two colours were separated from each other by a good size of a white strip, big enough to put the cute sea cartoon characters in, and went along the whole room.  They had white curtains over the window, a crib on opposite walls across from each other, a rocking chair on either side of the window that was facing the ocean, a change table for them both to use, and a dresser. They had also placed a small light brown rug on the floor. 

They had both picked out different mobiles for over the cribs. Gwen had picked out a cute sea creature mobile that consisted of: a pink crab, a blue octopus, a yellow starfish, and three multicolored fish that were hanging from string that also had different coloured seashells.  Cassia had been torn when trying to pick one out. She knew that her child was going to grow up in a fishing district. Which meant that he or she would be heavily influenced by the ocean like she was, but she also wanted to honour the place Xander grew up. The only problem being that she had no idea what District 10 looked like, what kind of creatures they had, or just how different it was going to be. She had a faint idea but hadn’t been sure. So she had asked her mom and had gotten the answer: cows, sheep, and horses. The three main livestock that District 10 had.

Unfortunately, she hadn’t been able to find anything close to any of those animals, so she had picked one out that had cats and dogs on them. She knew that all Districts had pets so it was a common animal. It hadn’t been what she wanted but it was still cute with the fluffy and soft pets spinning around gently.

A rapid knocking came from the front door, breaking Cassia out of her thoughts of the past few months, that was instantly followed by Annie’s voice, “Cassia? Are you home? I need you to open the door! It’s urgent.”

Cassia sighed softly but hurried down the stairs to open the door. She opened it just as Annie was about to knock again and yelped in surprise when the knock nearly hit her. Her eyes widened and she moved instinctively and grabbed Annie’s wrist. She had enough sense on her to not actually hurt her friend but dropped her wrist as if it were a hot potato. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to grab you that hard. I didn’t hurt you, did I?” She apologize profoundly.

Annie had a surprised look on her face but quickly shook her head. “No, you didn’t hurt me. You just surprised me is all. I should be the one apologizing to you. I should have waited to see if you were going to open the door first.” She reassured Cassia.

Cassia smiled at the kind girl and cocked her head curiously, “What is urgent that you had to come and get me?”

Annie smiled in excitement and grabbed her hand and tugged on it, “Gwen’s in the hospital having her baby! I volunteered to come and get you.”

Cassia blinked as she tried to process this information. It took a few minutes before it clicked in and she yelled in surprise, “Gwen’s having her baby?! Now? Why didn’t you come and get me sooner? Actually that doesn’t matter right now. We need to get the hospital!” With that she tore off as fast as she could only turning around to go back once to grab Gwen’s already packed bag and to lock the door. Then she was off again.

* * *

 

Cassia rushed as fast as she could to the hospital. It wasn’t very fast with being six months pregnant, but Gwen needed her! She was huffing by the time she got to the doors and groaned as she rubbed her stomach. Why did her stomach have to be bigger than Gwen’s was at this point in pregnancy?

A hand on her shoulder, in a touch that was helpful and holding her, Annie asked worriedly, “Are you feeling okay? You probably shouldn’t have rushed like that. I’m sure Gwen would understand if you weren’t there. She would want you and your baby to be safe.”

Cassia gave Annie a grateful smile and said softly, “I’m okay. The kid is just… active right now. Moving about every time I think of Gwen or my niece. It makes me anxious and nervous and excited all in one.”

Annie smile right back and told Cassia, “I bet you are. You have every right to be. Cassia, you deserve this happiness more than anyone I know. Enjoy this special and happy time.”

Cassia blinked at her in surprise and her smile turned soft. She laughed breathlessly, “You really are such a kind person, Annie. From everything to taking care of me when I was out of it...to helping with the healing process to the nursery. You have been so kind to me when you didn’t have to. I appreciate your friendship. You are quickly becoming one of my best friends.”

Reaching over, Annie squeezed Cassia’s hand and said softly, “Thank you. You are very different from the others. Both you and Gwen. It’s a relief actually. And Cassia? You are becoming one of my best friends too.” Now Annie laughed at the surprised look on Cassia’s and gestured to the doors, “Come on now! Let’s go find the waiting room where the others will be waiting.”

Cassia nodded eagerly, gave Annie’s hand a squeeze of comfort and gratefulness, before walking into the doors. They made their way through the winding hallways, up to the different floors, until they got to the maternity ward. She looked around the room for a familiar face when Annie tapped her shoulder.

Annie’s finger was pointed at Finnick and Mags sitting in a couple of seats by themselves. Annie called out, “Finnick! We’re here.”

Meanwhile, Cassia dashed over to them with Annie following close behind, and asked in a worriedly rush to either one, “Is Gwen okay? Is the baby okay? What happened? Gwen wasn’t due for another week! Did someone tell my mom? Where is my mom? My mom needs to know or she’ll be worried sick. And pissed! Not to mention hurt.” She started to bite her fingernails now.

Finnick had stood up to greet Annie with a quick kiss on the cheek and grabbed Cassia’s hands to stop her. “Calm down, Cass. Gwen is fine. Cursing up a storm and wishing for the kid to, in her own words mind you, get the hell out of her. The baby is fine. She’s just ready to come and meet everyone. And yes, I told Isadora as soon as Gwen’s water broke. She’s in the delivery room with Gwen right now.” He told her in hopes to soothe her.

Cassia opened her mouth to say that she wanted to go in and see Gwen, but Mags chose that moment to pat the seat beside her. Sighing reluctantly, she moved over to Mags and sat next to her grandmother figure. Mags gave her a smile, a pat on the hand, and a gentled rub on her stomach before turning back the basket she was weaving.

Cassia watched the movements of Mag’s hands weaving the string along, while hearing Annie and Finnick talk in hushed voices behind her, and asked Mags quietly, “Is this how you coped with your games? With the aftermath of everything?”

Mag’s hands didn’t stop as she nodded. She looked up at Cassia and studied her. After a moment, she smiled at her, put her weaving down, and cupped her face, “You are worried. Gwen is strong. The child is strong. You are a strong family. Everything will be fine.” She stroked her cheek lovingly with her thumb, planted a kiss on the same cheek, and went back to weaving.

Cassia relaxed at Mags’ words. Yes, Gwen was strong. The doctor had even said that the baby girl was a healthy one. Strong and kicking. They would both be okay. They had to be. Other than the Capitol and the first two districts, district Four had some of the best medical care out here. They would be fine.

She smiled softly when the baby kicked extra hard in agreement and rubbed her stomach. It was the little moments like this that made her feel happy about having Xander’s baby. She started humming the song her mom used to sing to them when younger. She felt the baby calm down quite a bit and continued to do that. It was only them two as she waited for someone to come out and let her know about Gwen.

Hours went by and Cassia dozed in her seat, her head resting against the wall, when a hand rubbing her arm made her open her eyes. Blinking sleepily up at the blurry image, she croaked out, “Mom?”

Isadora smiled softly down at her. She brushed a strand of hair out of Cassia’s face, she said gently, “Yeah, it’s me. Come on. You have someone that really wants to meet you.”

Cassia shot up at that and struggled to get up in a rush. She needed some help from her mom as her injured leg shot pain up and down, making her let out a small yelp of pain, and stand there a moment trying to wait it out. Finally she moved her leg slowly, and when it didn’t hurt that much, she nodded to her mom, “Let’s go. I want to meet my niece!”

Isadora laughed and hugged her daughter tightly, kissing her forehead lovingly, before leading her to Gwen’s room. She had to laugh again as she watched amazement flash across Cassia’s face as she stared open mouthed at the baby in the bassinet beside the bed.

Cassia stood there in amazement watching the baby that had come from her sister. A tingle surged throughout her whole body. A rush of excitement she had never felt before in her life hit her and she let out a breathless laugh. She inched closer to the crib beside Gwen’s side, aware of her sister’s and mother’s eyes watching her in their own sense of amusement, until she could stare down at her niece. When her eyes hit her angelic little body, they froze and she couldn't think or acknowledge anything else around her. The world seemed to stop, hold its place in time, just for that perfect moment. They stayed like for what felt like forever, Cassia watching her niece sleep peacefully. While she slept Cassia stared at this precious little angel. _Her niece. Her own flesh and blood. Her **new** family member. Someone else that captured her heart and she was willing to do anything for. _Her hands quivered as she slowly reached down to touch her little fingers and feel the softness of her skin. Cassia ran the tips of her fingers very gently across her smooth face, and right away, she fell in love.

Gwen’s voice wafted towards her, soft unlike anything Cassia had ever heard from her twin, “I can wake her up so you can hold her.”

Cassia managed to tear her eyes away from her precious niece and stare at Gwen with ecstatic eyes and she squealed in delight. She was finally going to officially meet her niece! She waited anxiously, her own baby kicking wildly in her stomach, making her laugh even more with tears falling gently as Gwen handed her the baby.

"Hali. Her name is Hali Brownell.” Gwen answered the unspoken, unthought-of question she was thinking in the back of her mind.

As Cassia held baby Hali, she stared into her gorgeous dark brown eyes and knew instantly that she would love and cherish her forever with all her heart.


	28. Chapter 28

“ _No matter how much suffering you went through, you never wanted to let go of those memories._ ”   
― Haruki Murakami

* * *

 

_Cassia nodded and grunted as she walked away from him to look for something to help move the boulders. She kept on hearing the rock noises and it was making her jumpy. And nervous. Very, very nervous and she wanted out of the cave. This had been a bad idea on her part._  
  
She kept on walking only to come skidding to a stop when something landed in front of her. Her eyes went wide at the...monster.  
  
It was huge but slim. It had black eyes, slit for a nose, and was covered in rocks. They just stared at each other before Cassia let out a blood curdling scream that was followed immediately by a horrible roar from the monster.  
  
Cassia fell backwards as it slammed her into a boulder. Pain shot through her back as she slid down. Trying to get a better look at the monster, she noticed that it had disappeared again. That wasn't good and Cassia felt panic rise up in her and drown everything out. She couldn't move or see where the monster was. She backed up into the boulders and waited to have something happen.  
  
Cassia jerked awake, her arm knocking over her glass of milk, and she jumped again as it shattered onto the floor. Her breathing came out in shuddering gasps as her eyes shot around the kitchen without realizing where she was. Her knuckles dug into the kitchen table as she kept on hearing her scream along with the roar of the mutant. As her head spun, trying to figure out where the mutant was, the roaring eventually turned into a faint crying.

_Crying? But Xander wasn’t crying._ Cassia thought to herself numbly as the cave started to disappear. It was replaced with a warm kitchen that showed the sun just starting to rise for the new day.

Cassia blinked around a few times to make sure her bearings were still in her home and sighed softly. A dream. It had just been a dream, or more like an unwanted memory, but it had been a real situation a few month ago. She rubbed her face in her hands tiredly. The closer she got to her Victory tour date the more the memories became her nightmares.

“Bad night again?” Gwen asked as she carried a screaming Hali into the kitchen. She was exhausted herself but it looked like Cass was even worse than she was.

“Ugh,” was the answer she got.

Gwen snorted in amusement and glanced down at her daughter. Hali was a chunky baby but it just made her even cuter than others. Especially with her big dark brown eyes that seemed to stare into your soul.

Gently, Gwen brushed down Hali’s curly brown hair. It wasn’t dark like hers and Cass’s and seemed to get lighter as she got older. Not that it mattered to Gwen. She made one hell of a cute kid. The only one that could rival her kid’s adorableness was Cass’s baby.

Gwen bounced her crying daughter with a tired sigh. She looked at her sister that looked like hell had dragged her down and back up again, back at her daughter, back to her sister and handed her gently to Cassia. “Hold her while I get her bottle ready.” She told Cassia before she could deny it.

Gwen took her time getting the bottle warmed up, sterilized, and ready for Hali to eat. While the bottle was warming up, Gwen took that time to study the difference in them both. Hali had quieted down at her aunt’s soft and cooing words, while Cassia had relaxed enough to show the vulnerable side of herself… the soft, kindhearted side that was the core of her sister.

Cassia gave Hali a wistful look as she handed her back to Gwen. She watched her sister closely, taking everything in that she was doing, and said softly, “I’m not sure about my baby. I mean I just…” Her hand curled on her stomach as her hand shook in fear.

“You’re just scared. You’re worried. Those are all normal feelings, Cass. I felt, and still feel, the same way.” Gwen tried to reassure her sister.

“I have more at stake than you do! My child has to do playdates with his granddaughter and other people’s kids. While I talk to the other mothers. You and Hali only have to show up for the odd event now and then.” She snapped more harshly than she meant to.

Cassia winced at the mild glare she got from her twin. Gwen said nothing else as she fed Hali, handed her back to Cassia, cleaned up her mess, grabbed back her baby, and headed back to the nursery to change Hali.

Cassia let out a sigh and rubbed her face in guilt. Why had she snapped at Gwen like that? She had just been trying to help her. To comfort her. And what had she done? She had snapped at her twin. Gwen was still in deep. Not as deep as her, but still deep enough. Besides you could never tell with Snow. For all Cassia knew, he could easily drag Gwen down just as deep as her. That was something she wanted to prevent at all costs.

* * *

9:55

The numbers taunted her as Cassia glared at it. It was mocking her. Taunting her that in five minutes her Victory Tour would start. She would see Kouza and her prep team, which was one of the good things to happen, and they would get her ready. Ready to step outside in front of a camera, speak to Caesar and broadcast to everyone in Panem. Ready to show off her baby and play by Snow’s rules now. It would soon be time to step into the spider’s web.

9:56

Another glance and she got out of her chair with a sigh. She better clean up before everyone arrived. She was dreading this whole thing. She wanted to stay here in the safety of her home. The safety of District Four. She didn’t want to go out there and speak to the families of the dead. To look at them and see their pain and anger. Their loss. She really didn’t want to see Xander’s family. She was dreading that the most and she couldn’t help but remember his death.

_Neptune only gave him a cruel smirk. He moved fast, kicking up water and mud at Xander. It hit Xander in the face, and while the guy was cursing and distracted, Neptune quickly disarmed him and shoved him away back to the bank. He tested the sword in his hand, and while it wasn’t no spear, it would do its job by killing Cassia. Now his eyes turned on Cassia and he told her, “I’ll tell Gwen you say hello.” With that he lunged forward and let it go towards her before she had time to move._  
  
It never hit her. Xander made the biggest jump of his life, powered by adrenalin and love, and landed in front of Cassia. He staggered backward as the sword plunged into his chest and he came down on Cassia. He made a huge splash, and a very queer sound that wasn't a yelp, grunt, or curse.  
  
“ **Xander**!”  
  
Her eyes snapped open with a strangled sob escaping her lips. She scrambled away from the table, knocking over the half empty glass of apple juice, and her back hit the fridge. She faintly heard a crashing sound but she wouldn’t tear her eyes away from the person standing outside her kitchen window.

Xander.

He was standing just outside her window just as she remembered him. Blonde hair, bright blue eyes, strong arms and body. The only thing that really upset her was the dark red stain on his chest. Her heart ached in pain and his image went blurry as a wail escaped her now. She could feel something moving around inside her. Kicking her in her ribs, her stomach, and near her bladder. The moving and kicking brought on another memory.

_Cassia sighed but didn't say anything as to not start a fight. There would be more fighting coming sooner or later. Probably sooner. Her mind went back on the conversation and she asked softly, knowing that this might piss him off, “If I were to have your child...what would you hope for?”_

_Xander couldn't help the rumble in his tone, “No. We're not going there.”_

_“Please? I...need to know. You talk about all the other girls that were pregnant but when it gets to me...you just shut down completely!” Cassia said in hurt._

_Xander closed his eyes. He couldn't have told why he felt this way. But he just did. Nevertheless, the last thing he wanted was to hurt Cassia. That would happen soon enough. He wanted to be silent, but it just popped out, “A boy.”_

_Cassia was surprised. “A boy? What does he look like?” She asked as she shut her eyes to try and picture the child._

_Pondering that, he slowly answered, “I'm not sure. I like my eyes best of my features. He should have them. I like the colour of your hair. Perhaps that, but straighter, like mine. Skin could go either way. No predicting that.” He shrugged and fell silent._

The baby. Her baby. His baby. _Their baby_. The baby that was kicking up a storm as Cassia struggled to differentiate between reality and imagination. It was hard when the only thing she could see in her vision was Xander’s dead body. Then Xander’s body split into two smaller bodies.

A small boy and girl stood in front of her. At first she thought the girl was Hali, but at a closer look, she realized that both looked similar. The girl wasn’t Hali….it was a version of what she wanted the baby to be. The boy standing next to her was what Xander had told her he wanted. Exactly how he described him. Black hair that was straight with some curls, blue eyes that didn’t quite look like his but not like her mom’s either....more like a mixture of the two blended. His skin was darker than Xander’s but not as dark as her own. He was handsome.

Cassia turned her eyes to the girl now. The girl was even more beautiful. To her at least. She was on the small side that looked like an exact miniature of Xander. From the blonde hair to the striking blue eyes and tan skin. The only difference was that there was a softness and gentleness to the girl. She was beautiful. They were both beautiful.

“Cassia!”

Her eyes snapped from the images to the frantic voice. She looked back to the images but they were gone. Her eyes slowly made her way back to the voice and she blinked as the senses came back to her. She was on the ground, hands clutching her stomach as she sobbed hard and shook furiously.

She was rasping for breath, unable to get any air into her lungs, as another voice whispered in her ear, “Breath, my guppy, breath. Deep breaths. In and out. In and out.”

Cassia felt the body that the voice was attached to, slip behind her and shift her. Legs were on either side of her and she immediately reached out to grip them with her hands. She could hear other voices, a mixture of male and female, panicked and calm, surrounding her and her breathing became harsher and raspier as her fear rose again.

“Breath, Cassia. A deep breathe in and exhale slowly. In and out. Ignore all the other voices and just concentrate on me. On my voice, on how my chest is moving under you as I breathe in and out.” The voice said.

Cassia let out a breathless whimper. The voices surrounding her were starting to blend together, to make a buzzing noise that was persistent, but the one voice was calm and guiding. It anchored her down enough to slowly get her breathing back to normal. Back to normal as well as she could get it, which meant that her breathing was still coming out in gasps but weren’t as bad.

Everything slowly started coming into focus and she could tell the difference between the voices. Voices went to shapes and shapes eventually became blurry people. A mixture of colours as her eyes darted around in confusion before landing on the clock.

10:02

 

* * *

Cassia relaxed as everything started to become normal again. She breathed heavily as she looked at the crowd surrounding her and turned her head away in horror and pure embarrassment. How much had they witnessed? Did they think her weak now? Weak and stupid for being pregnant?

Her thoughts were answered by Kouza walking over to her.  He eyed with the same unreadable expression he had the first time they had met. Cassia watched him nervously, her hands shaking now along with her breathing still a bit higher than normal, as he knelt down in front of her. She forced herself to keep her eyes on him and he surprised her. He grabbed her hands gently and held them like he had with Gwen’s necklace: gently.

He stood up, bringing her up along with him, and Cassia was surprised at how strong he was. He gave her hands a reassuring and safe squeeze, looked her up and down in a slow criticizing way, and turned to her prep team, “It’s time to make them shine like sun. Bright and gentle.”

The next minute Cassia was being ushered out into her living room, Gwen sticking to her side like glue with worried eyes, as her prep team got to work. They muttered happy and gentle things to her, saying how adorable the baby would be, how they couldn’t wait to meet him or her. They gushed over of adorable Hali was and how beautiful she was. They complemented Gwen on how tough and beautiful she looked much to her sister’s confusion. They were doing her hair, taking the hair off all the needed places, there was no makeup done up this time - only highlighting her natural beauty- and Cassia loved them for it. She felt safe and relaxed with them. Then Kouza was in front of her, helping her take her clothes off and replace them with a light sundress.

Cassia stared at herself in the mirror. Kouza and her prep team had kept their promise. She did look bright and gentle. It was a simple white sundress with bright yellow flowered prints. It fell to her knees and showed off her baby stomach in a gentle way. They had put on white slippers and kept her hair down in loose curls. She felt her breath hitch and placed a hand on her stomach. “You did it again, Kouza. You made me look beautiful with that bright and gentle look.”

A squeeze on her shoulder and everything was packed up as quickly as it was set up. She managed to give Gwen a tight hug, give Hali a kiss and mutter of “I love you both” before she was ushered outside. Her mom and Finnick were wearing bags over their shoulders and her mom wrapped an arm around in a comforting way. It was followed by a kiss and a reassuring, “One day at a time, baby. Just remember that. One day at a time.”

She blew out a shuddering breath and looked at the cameraman’s. It was time. This was the beginning of her Victory Tour. “Cassia, lovely dear, it’s time for the cameras dear.” Paprika flitted around in a friendly way.

Forcing a smile, Cassia nodded and rubbed her stomach again. It was time to face everyone and let them know about her baby.  The cameras backed up enough, she was guessing to get her whole body in view, and she waved as one of them finally stepped forward.

Caesar Flickerman’s face was on the screen and she could see his eyes looking over her before he called out, “ _Cassia, my lovely dear, just look at you glow! I must say that I, along with the whole of Panem, are surprised to see such a flattering sight. How are you doing my dear?”_

“Ah...it’s been a hard time, Caesar. Especially with my own pregnancy along with Gwen’s. But things have gotten better since baby Hali has been born and it’ll only get better once my own little one is born.” She told him honestly.

He smiled in a sympathetic way, “ _Yes, my dear. I can only imagine the pain you must have gone through when finding out about your little surprise. Our hearts go out to you and your little one.”_

Giving him a small, real smile now, Cassia asked politely, “How are things going with you, Caesar?”

_“Oh my lovely dear, things are just wonderful. Thank you for asking.”_ He paused briefly before asking her, _“Now Cassia, this is the beginning of your own Victory Tour. What are you looking forward to the most?”_

Cassia felt her breath hitch and automatically her hands were on her stomach. That was a loaded question of bullshit and everyone knew it. She was going to visit the dead kid’s districts. She was going to have to face their families, show off her own, and rub it in their faces by lying to them as she apologized. Anger flashed through her at the unfairness of it all and she jutted her chin out before saying, “I’m looking forward to paying my respects to their families. To apologize to them for their losses. In some cases, I look forward to giving some closure and hope in this life growing in me.”

There was a dead silence before Caesar gather his wits back, _“That is such a beautiful thing, Cassia. How wonderful of you. It’s about time that I let you get on your way. I’ll be seeing you soon my dear. I can’t wait to meet you again.”_

She gave another forced smile, “I’m looking forward to seeing you and the Capitol again myself.”  

_“It will be something that we all look forward too. Now, Ladies and Gentlemen of Panem, I give you the winner of the 69th Hunger Games, Cassia Brownell!”_

Cassia waved at the camera until she was sure it was shut off. Once it was and all the people were gone, she seethed under her breath, “What am I looking forward to?! How can they ask such a loaded question to a pregnant woman - one who lost the baby’s father no less - what she is looking forward to?!”

Hands cupped her face and a thumb was wiping away angry tears. “Shh, baby, shhh. I know it was a loaded question. I got asked that too on mine.” Isadora explained softly. “But I am proud of you for your answer. You were honest with it and that is what makes them love you. It’s what makes you survive. You did so much better than me. I would have been like Gwen. Losing my cool, getting mad, and yelling and cursing like a sailor.”

A weak laugh escaped Cassia’s mouth as she leaned against her mother seeking comfort. Isadora wasn’t about to complain and started walking with her to the train station. Keeping her sweet daughter up against her side, Isadora rubbed her arm and said, “I know it might not seem like it...but this tour...it helps heal you in a way. You’ll meet many other Victors and you’ll grow close to them. Pick and choose wisely. Okay?”

Cassia stared up at her mom in surprise but nodded. “Okay. I will, mom.”

She got another kiss before she was ushered onto the train and set up there. She settled in a window seat, watching as once more District Four, the ocean, and her family disappeared from her sight.

* * *

 

Isadora blew out a sharp breath looking around District Twelve as she stepped off the train. A glance at Cassia saw her being led to the Justice Hall for her speech. She looked around and decided to make a quick visit to Haymitch first.

As she walked around, Isadora noted that District Twelve was still as run down as it had been when she had visited years ago. A small smile came to her lips as she remembered it clearly. It was a bittersweet memory but a happy one that she would never forget.

_Isadora looked around at the “banquet” with a bored look. Or that’s the look she had been putting on since leaving District Four. She felt numb all time, distant from her own body as it moved on its own, and she wished desperately for a drink. But Mags wouldn’t let her near the alcohol. Apparently it was making a bad image. Not that she didn’t care, she had nothing more to lose anyways. Snow had taken everything she had secretly longed for and loved dearly away from her forever._

_This wasn’t really a banquet with District Twelve being so poor but they were trying. She had to give them points for that much. She walked around the people, not bothering to say much of anything to anyone, and studied them with a shadow of curious interest in her eyes. It was interesting to her that the people of Twelve had only two different colours: blonde hair, blue eyes, and pale skin. While the other side was dark hair, grey eyes, and olive skin. It was clear to her which ones were the “richer of the two” and she watched their interactions. The blonde haired people seemed more inclined to converse with others of the same colouring and vice versa. Not to say that the two groups weren’t interacting, they were mingling about and talking to each other, they just seemed to prefer the same hair and eye colour more._

_Her eyes danced around the room, now that she had something to do other than think about drinking, and landed on a male. He was younger than her by a few years and had the typical blonde hair that she was seeing. He had just left his mother, younger brother, and either sister or lover. She was going to with lover._

_Isadora didn’t know what compelled her to go over to him, but she did because there was just something about him, and said to him quietly, “You look like a smart kid. Tell me...are you a fighter or do you just sit back and watch?”_

_He looked at her and had an easy grin, “A bit of both. I watch to see what others are doing, **then** jump in. You can’t just fight with brawn only or brains only.” _

_Isadora grinned a ghost of a smile. She liked this guy. He had spirit. “Good. You ever go into the Games you keep your head calm and stay focus on the task.” Her eyes shadowed over and she continued, “Use everything and anything to your advantage. It’ll keep you alive.”_

_Nodding, he assured, “I will. If I do get in. Well, we’ll see about that. Can I ask a question?” At her nod, he continued, “I’ve heard a lot of District 4 gets good food. But isn’t fish… gross? It sounds disgusting and slimy. Oh, and I’m Haymitch. I should have led off with that, sorry.”_

_Isadora blinked at him in surprise and then burst out laughing. She got a few odd and stuck up looks but she didn’t care. Man, this kid was hilarious. “District 4 does get good food. No, fish isn’t gross. Not when it’s cooked properly.” She paused and held out her hand in greeting, “Isadora Brownell. But you probably knew that already.”_

_Grinning at her, Haymitch snorted, “Yeah, you only won the Games and all. Isadora. Too long. How you finding District 12, Izzy?”_

_Now Isadora was amused to no end. “Izzy? You don’t do things halfway, do you Haymitch? District 12 is interesting. But I assume all the districts will be interesting in their own right.”_

_“Sure, they’ll be. And I’m sure each will be more interesting than the last. District 12 isn’t that interesting. We’re pretty boring. The Peacekeepers watch us too closely. But not much we can do about that. Just trudge along, I guess. But… I have to say… do try the bread. I bet you your stinky fish that you won’t find anything better than that!” Haymitch challenged his new friend._

_Isadora eyed the bread and gave a nod. “I’ll do that before I leave. I would say I’ll let you know the verdict the next we see each other...but that’ll only happen if you get reaped. And I hope to hell to never see that happen to you.” She said softly with a seriousness masking her eyes as she locked eyes with him._

_He locked eyes right back and nodded, “Right. I like you though. But no offense if I say I hope I never see you again, Izzy.” He had a rakish smile as he winked at her._

_Isadora gave him a sad smile, showing him briefly the pain that had been wrought onto her, and only warned him before walking away, “No offense taken. I hope to never see you again. But...Haymitch? If you do get reaped...don’t go against President Snow.”_

Isadora shook her head to get the memories to go away. She had been hopeful that Haymitch wouldn’t have been reaped but then his name had been called during the second Quarter Quell. She winced at the memory of that game. That had been one of the most violent games in Panem history. Four tributes from each District….it had turned into a bloodbath. Turning her thoughts away from the gruesome and painful memories, she looked around the Justice Hall that was being used to hold the banquet and landed on a specific person. A fond smile came to her face. Some things just never changed.

Isadora smirked when she saw him and made her way over. “Now Haymitch, I thought I said to not go and get drunk like this. It’s embarrassing to watch you.”

He looked up at her and rolled his eyes as he proffered the bottle at her, “Preservatives, darling. Preservatives. Go on, have a few and don’t let anyone tell you different that it’s bad for you.”

Grinning wider, she laughed and shook her head. “Nah, I’m good. Can’t exactly drink with two pregnant daughters around. Well...one pregnant daughter. I can’t believe I’m a grandma at this age.” She muttered the last part to herself with a sigh.

Waving her over to sit by him, Haymitch looked carefully at her. He was sharper than people thought, even not sober. Finally he got his tongue sorted out to say, “Too bad. But I heard through the grapevine about your daughters. Congrats on your small one. But I have to say I _was_ shocked about Cassia. Can’t say why, when it was obvious with the LaRose kid. Can’t be easy for her.”

Isadora sighed and rubbed her temples. “Where did I go wrong with them? Both are pregnant around the same age I was. Then Cassia volunteers and now Snow is on all of our backs. He showed up in Four for her. For them both. He’s not happy.” She told him as she pressed her hands against her face.

“I’m sure he’s not,” Haymitch’s voice was soft. He sighed and patted Isadora’s hand and thought a moment. “He wants to control the Victors. Have his hand in things. Partly why I am the way I am… I am the poor drunk no one wants to bother with.” Now his eyes locked on his friend’s before saying, “It’s not… well. Cassia’s child, I mean. Xander LaRose was… a rebel. And I’ve… heard things about him. And now that he will have a child with a Victor… she couldn’t have picked a worse person. But what’s done is done.”

“You don’t think I don’t realize that?! Cause I do. And so does Snow. He’s bringing both of their kids into it. Cass, Gwen, and the kids have to go do these promotions and events in the Capitol. And then on top of that Cass and her kid has to go and do play dates with his granddaughter and other kids. He’s keeping a very close eye on them and I’m the one that started this mess!” Isadora snapped.

Haymitch blew out a breath and shook his head. This was very bad indeed. “Hold your friends close and your enemies closer.” This had popped out unbidden from his lips and he shook his head again. “Well, there might be some truth in that. You might find out more about him. I’m sorry, Izzy… that things turned out this way. I wish I could help you. I wish I could end this whole stupid thing. I wish I could save everyone. I wish…” he finally trailed off and looked at the sky. He had always wished a great many things. None of which would ever come to pass.

The words came out of her mouth before she could stop it. “Then promise me something. For the sake of our friendship...promise me that if I’m to die by Snow’s hand that you’ll look out for my daughters and grandchildren.”

Now he had to stare at Isadora for a good long minute. “What...wh...Izzy… what the hell are you talking about? You’ll be there to care for your own kids. And besides… I am not the best person. I am only a drunkard who only knows how to fall off stages and make a fool out of myself.” He cocked a head at his bottle as he watched her.

Isadora let the fear she was feeling show on her face. She hated feeling vulnerable like this. She really did. But it was for her daughters and Haymitch was her best friend. “I don’t plan on dying...but with Snow...you never know. Please, Haymitch, look after my daughters if something happens to me.”

Haymitch sighed and ran a hand through his blonde hair. He noted briefly that it likely could use a wash before he sighed again and glanced at his friend. His friend who was in bad trouble. At last, he gently promised, “I don’t know how I can manage it. But I will try. Somehow, I’ll take care of them if anything happens to you. I pray that that day never comes, though.” He reached for her hand again and gave it a squeeze.

Relief flooded through her and she relaxed finally. “Thank you. You won’t be doing it alone. Finnick already has friendship with Gwen and he’s getting a friendship started with Cassia. I’m sure that he would help them if it came down to it. I just feel comfortable knowing there’s someone else there for them too.” She admitted softly.

He nodded at that and gave a grim smile. Now his eyes flashed with their old humour as he shot at her, “So… with this promise, I guess I’ll have wait around before I try anything on me for fear that you **will** resurrect me, yeah?”

Laughing aloud in surprise, Isadora grinned and patted his hand, “Oh Haymitch...I would have resurrected you anyways. No matter what.”

“Dammit,” he replied playfully. Then he raised an eyebrow, “Well, then. Guess I’m here for a while then.” Pointing a finger into her chest, he pretend snapped, “And you’d better damn well too. Leaving me with two females indeed. And a girl child already. If the other one is a girl too, I’m truly and royally fucked and screwed and whatever else you wanna name it.”

Isadora laughed truly now. “You’ll be fine. They won’t give you too much trouble. I hope. But between us...I’m hoping for a grandson. It’ll be a nice change but we’ll see.”

Snorting, Haymitch grinned at her and innocently or otherwise mused, “And if he comes out like Xander? You might wish for a girl then.”

“And what if it’s a girl and like him? I’ll be screwed either way.” Isadora muttered, looking longingly at the bottle in his hand at the mere thought.

He laughed and again offered her the bottle, saying, “You know you want to. What was that girl thinking, hanging around a rebel like him? But… to be honest… even though he rubbed everyone the wrong way, I think there’s something else. He’s had rough, I think. Perhaps there was a good heart under there. Guess we’ll never know now.” He was unusually thoughtful as he pondered this. Perhaps Cassia knew better than they all.

 


	29. Chapter 29

“ _Wherever we travel to, the wonderful people we meet become our family._ ”

― **Lailah Gifty Akita, Think Great: Be Great!**

* * *

 

Cassia stared out the train window. There was a sea of green and brown as the train moved towards their destination: District 12. The unsettled feeling was growing and she had thrown up more times than she ever had. Some of it was due to the smell of certain foods, morning sickness, which were now all combined with a bundle of nerves. On top of all that, her leg was starting to throb painfully but she wasn’t sure if she should take some medicine or leave it for now. 

Looking around at the concerned gazes as they all talked quietly, Cassia decided to leave it for now. If it was still bothering her later then she would ask for some. They were worried about her though. She could feel it from the gazes and their worried voices. She felt a ghost of a smile and she felt warm inside. It felt… good… knowing that this group of people from the Capitol cared for her. It made her believe in humanity again. That it wasn’t all horrible and that there was still good out there. She just had to look harder for it now.

A shadow fell over her, and the cushion sank down beside her, followed by a hand curling onto her hand. “You okay, guppy?” Isadora asked softly. Her eyes shone with worry and her brows were concentrated into a worry line.

Cassia squeezed her mom’s hand and leaned against her. “I’m just thinking on how there’s still good in this horrible place.” She blew out a tired sigh, wincing when a sharp pain shot through her leg.

Isadora’s eyes narrowed at the pain on her daughter’s face. She pulled away, moving to the opposite side, motioning Cassia to give her the bad leg, and started massaging on the scar gently. “The world can be a horrible place but it does have its good parts. I wouldn’t have made it as far as I have… after the shooting… if it hadn’t been for the people in my life.”

Cassia was burning with questions, biting her lip in anticipation, but did not ask. Isadora laughed brightly. It was one of the few times Cassia could remember seeing the pain and sadness fade away. In its place was amusement and happiness. It transformed her mother into the person she must have been with her first boyfriend. The one that hadn’t marked so deeply by the games. “Who was the first one to really get to you?” she inquired.

Isadora’s eyes lit up brightly as she laughed warmly again. “The first one to really get to me? Haymitch Abernathy. He’s a drunk, and I don’t blame him one bit, but Cass… he wasn’t like that when I first met him. He was smart, good looking for a kid, intelligent, and witty. Very witty. He brought back some humor into my life when all I wanted was to die. He’s my best friend. I honestly can’t imagine what my life would be like without his friendship.”

Cassia giggled and relaxed, the nerves leaving her as she focused on her mom, and asked excitedly, “Do you think I’ll get to meet Haymitch?” She liked seeing her mom like this. Open and honest, smiling brightly, and looking highly amused.

A loud snort, “Oh I bet you’ll meet him. Either he’ll come up to you or you’ll see him for yourself. He makes hilarious spectacles in front of people. It can be embarrassing and amusing.” She lost her smile though, turning back into the mom Cassia knew, “He’s had a hard time like me, Cass. He did something during his games that Snow did not like. And very much like me… he lost everything. His mother, his brother, and his girlfriend. I guess you can say we’re in the same boat.”

Cassia felt her own smile slip off. She looked down at the ground. There really was more bad than good in the world. It wasn’t fair. Not all. But there was nothing Cassia could do about it to change the past as much as she wanted to.

Isadora sighed quietly herself and glanced out the window. Patting Cassia’s leg, she said with a mixed voice of dread and gladness, “We’re here. Welcome to District 12, guppy. The home of the miners.”

* * *

 

" _Panem is made out of thirteen unique districts. Unfortunately there are only twelve districts standing right now. Each one has its own purpose for the Capitol. We'll start with the smallest and poorest and work our way up to the highest and richest. District 12 is one of the outer districts, though this is nonetheless a crucial one. These brave and hardy workers descend deep into the earth each day to mine the coal that keeps our nation running."_

Cassia shook her head softly as her old teacher's words came back to her. She was standing on the platform, if you could even call it a platform because of the poor quality and wear and tear to it, looking around at the sight before her.

The first thing she noticed was the twenty-foot high electric fence surrounded the district. Beyond the fence was a lush and huge forest surrounding all sides of district twelve. She felt her mouth open in pure awe at seeing so many trees. She had never seen so many in her life! They were beautiful in a strange way that she found oddly appealing. Tearing her eyes away from that sight, Cassia looked more around the actual district. It was small and dirty. There were no actual paved roads, only dirt roads and a lot of trees. Most of the houses were small and dingy looking with a few exceptional ones as they got closer to the center of the town.

She was led into a building that she was assuming was the Justice building, and was instantly pounced on by her prep team. She squirmed in discomfort a bit but let them do what they wished. The nerves were back ten times worse. She could feel bile rise up her throat, shoved away from them, and reached a garbage can just as she threw up. She gagged dryly as she finished. She couldn't do it. She couldn't go out there and speak. She just couldn't do it.

Cassia felt hands rub her back gently and was surprised to find Kouza to be the one rubbing her this time. His eyes had a soft edge to them as he helped her up once again. He was gentle as he tsked her, handing her a cloth to wipe her mouth, and he held out a hand to Honey-Lemon, "Hand me the lip gloss. Her entire mouth is ruined."

He was fixing up her lip gloss when heavy footsteps came up to them. Out of the corner of her eye, Cassia saw her mom stand up and greet a tall, balding man professionally. "Mayor Undersee. It is a pleasure to see you again. I hope you are doing well?"

The Mayor grabbed her mom's hand, then Finnick's, and gave them both a hearty handshake. "I am doing very well, Isadora. Congratulations on your two bundle of joys. You must be proud of both your daughters."

Isadora gave an easy smile. "Thank you, Mayor. Hali is an excellent addition to our family and I'm sure that the next little one will add more excitement." She stepped backwards to Cassia, placing a hand on her shoulder, introducing them to each other, "Cassia, this is Mayor Undersee. Mayor Undersee, this is one of my daughters, Cassia."

Mayor Undersee immediately held out a hand to her. Taking a deep breath, Cassia made sure her grip was firm as they shook hands. "Ah, yes. It is a...pleasure. Or it would be if we were to meet under more friendly conditions. But nevertheless, it is nice to meet you and if I may say… you have Isadora's unique beauty."

Cassia blinked in surprise at the last comment but gave him a small smile. "Thank you, sir. That means a lot to me."

Now Mayor Undersee clapped his hands together, "Now, as you both know, Isadora and Finnick, I like to make this as quick and painless for everyone involved. I find it simpler that way myself. So I will introduce Cassia, she will say her speech, and then there will be a small gathering in this building for an hour or two, and then you will be free to move onto your next destination." He paused there to see if there would be any complaints but when there was none he continued, "Cassia, if you need to take a moment to catch yourself, to compose yourself in any way, I assure you that you can. I will step in right away, okay? I do not wish for you to exert yourself in your condition."

That got him a grateful nod just as a ground of peacekeepers came in and ushered them to the shut doors. Cassia fiddled with the cue cards in her hand as she stared at the wooden gates to hell that would lead her to actual hell in a few minutes. She felt sick to her stomach again and barely heard Mayor Undersee say, "I would like to welcome Cassia Brownell, the Victor of the 69th Hunger Games."

That was her cue and she stepped outside along with all the others. The Peacekeepers kept into a circle around them as she could only stare out at the sea of black and blonde. Her breathing came out in sharp breaths as she noticed two families standing on platforms with hologram pictures of the two dead tributes. It was only a young girl, blonde hair and pretty blue eyes that stepped towards her with a pretty bouquet of wildflowers. She smiled gently at the girl, "Thank you. They're beautiful."

The girl gave her a bright, shy smile and nodded before quickly going back to her own family. When Paprika stepped forward to take the flowers, Cassia shook her head and held them closer to her belly. She wanted the baby to experience everything good and these flowers were good.

Releasing a calming breath, she stepped forward and grabbed the microphone from Mayor Undersee. "Hello to all of District Twelve. Um...I want to thank all of you for the warm welcome you have given me." She rubbed her baby bump nervously, shifting the flowers closer, and looked down briefly, "The flowers are really beautiful...something I have not seen in my life...and I am...happy to be here to receive them today." The words tasted like rotten fish in her mouth. Foul, ugly, and untrue. She looked back up into the sea of people and hesitated. Would it be worth it to go off script and say her true feelings? A kick from her child was reminder of what would happen if she didn't. So she continued on, "I am here today while your tributes are not. Both of your tributes were good fighters and I know some of you may hold a grudge to me for being here. For being a reminder of what you have lost...and for what I have gained. I...I am sorry for your losses and they weigh heavily on my heart each day. I may not have known either of them personally but they were strong, good people. Their memories will live on in each of us and remind us each year to keep on fighting to come out the top. I...I will never forget them and their bravery."

She handed the microphone back to the Mayor and didn't wait to see the reaction. She was going to get sick again. Only this time it would be from the pregnancy. She made it just in the nick of time as she got sick.

Isadora slipped inside and knelt behind her, pulling her hair back as some of it came loose, and asked softly, "Nerves or pregnancy?"

Grimacing, Cassia replied, "Pregnancy. The baby didn't like the smell of something."

"Hmm...it might be the smell from the coal miners. They took this part of the day off. They probably came straight from the mines. You only have to mingle for an hour and then we'll leave okay?" Isadora offered, moving her hand rub down her back.

Cassia nodded, waited for a minute, before standing up. Using Kouza's cloth to wipe her mouth, she sighed tiredly, "I guess it's time to go and see everyone."

A grim smile was followed by a kiss to the temple. Cassia looked around in semi-interest as they walked to the building everyone was in. There was a slight hush before people started speaking quietly again. Cassia moved away from her mom with her stomach still churning at the smell and took a sniff at the flowers still in her hands.

"Those are really nice flowers they gave you from the Seam." A young boy's voice said from behind her.

Turning around in curiosity, Cassia blinked at the blue eyed, blonde haired boy. "They are nice. I love them." She agreed. Curiously, she asked as she noticed something in his hands, "The Seam? What's that in your hands there?"

He looked at her before answering, "The Seam is the poorest part of District Twelve. It's where the miners work. This part of the town is the Merchant section." He gave her a small smile and held out the loaf of bread to her, "I'm Peeta. I saw you run off and the Mayor said that you weren't feeling well because of your pregnancy. My father said that bread should help your stomach. I made it myself."

Cassia smiled genuinely at him as she grabbed the bread in her hand. "Thank you, Peeta. I appreciate it. It smells good and I bet it tastes even better." She thanked him. The reward was watching a smile blossom to his face. She had a funny feeling that Peeta didn't get many compliments like that and wanted to brighten his day like he had hers.

He thanked her, then handed her another loaf to take with her and left her alone again. Cassia stared at the bread in her hand as her fingers curled into it. It was crunchy on the outside and soft on the inside. She sniffed it curiously, lighting up when it didn't have the normal fish smell, and hesitantly took a bite. It was delicious! One of the best breads she had tried yet. She was content to just sit there and munch on the bread, looking around in interest. District 12 was shaping up to be an interesting place after all.

A male voice sounded close by to her and teasingly said, "Well… no matter what your mother says, don't believe a word of it. She's likened me to that bread you're eating. It ain't true. She says I'm crusty on the inside and a softie on the inside. That ain't true. Not a word of it, ya hear?"

Cassia cocked her head at the voice curiously. She had to crane her neck a bit but she managed to see who it was. Her eyes lit up and she said a bit too loudly with a wicked grin, "I know of you! You're Haymitch Abernathy. Mom calls you her stupid drunkard of a best friend. Don't worry though… she says it with a lot of fondness. Gwen and I have heard a lot of stories about you."

"Seriously?" Haymitch raised a shaggy eyebrow. He rolled his eyes, and muttered, "Would like to know what you told the girls, Izzy. Nah. Wouldn't do to know." He grinned down at her, and said, "I ain't stupid! She's shooting off her mouth, that one."

"Mom does do that," Cassia agreed readily. She noticed him staring at her and asked bluntly, "Do you agree with what I did in the arena with Xander? Or do you think I should have stayed away like mom and Finnick believe?"

Haymitch had to sigh, and motioned her to sit down next to him. He already looked a bit bleary eyed from drink and not enough sleep. But he was honest, "Xander LaRose is… was… well. Perhaps not the best choice of partner. He was too heavily involved in… things he shouldn't have been. But… I have to give him this… he had guts. And he stood by what he believed in. He saved you. Twice. That says a lot about him, no matter what he portrayed to the world."

Cassia blew out a sharp, emotional breath. She took a few minutes to calm herself down, before saying, "He was an ass. A big ass that couldn't keep his mouth shut when it needed to be shut. But...there was more to him than that… I… should regret… but I don't. I can't." She tried to explain to him. This was something she couldn't ask her mom or Finnick about. All three of them where biased on the matter.

"Yes, he was." Haymitch chuckled warmly, and mused, "I couldn't believe it when I saw him with Lonnie Delmar, 10's mentor. He was so  _rude_  to everyone, and I was sure someone would jump him, damn the rules or not. Had to give Lonnie kudos for keeping a lid on him." He shook his head at that memory, but did say to Cassia, "I do have a question for you. But you don't have to answer." He watched her expression carefully as he asked, "What exactly was running through your head at that moment you wanted to give up on the cliff… and he had his sword at your throat? My own heart was in my own damn throat at that moment."

Cassia winced at  _that_ memory and answered quietly, "That it was all useless. There was no point to keep fighting in a losing war and that I was just going to die anyways. Why not end it right there? I knew he would have given me a swift death. At that point...there just hadn't been any point to living anymore."

A grim smile from Haymitch played across his face and he patted Cassia's leg. "Yeah, I hear ya. I do. Thing is, Cass, you have to find something to live for. After that, when he gave your chance back, it was Gwen wasn't it? Now it's that kid of yours in there." His voice was almost dead sounding as he told her straight, "I get it. I do. The only thing at times that make me not end it all for myself… is your mother."

Cassia looked at him with watery eyes. "My mom? Why her? I mean I know she said that you were the first person to give something of herself back to her." She asked cautiously. "You don't have to answer that. I shouldn't be prying anyways."

Giving a quick shake of his head, Haymitch waved her off, "Nah, its okay. It's just a promise I made a long time ago to her. We'd be at each other's back. Can't very well do that if I'm dead, now, can I?" He chortled a bit and then teased, "Your momma can be scary as hell, ya know? She threatened me good. As in if I did it… she'd resurrect me, then kill me all over again! Made me shake in me boots alright." He now looked down at his threadbare footwear that he insisted on wearing. "Well… if I had boots that is."

Cassia laughed and smiled a bit. Her eye glanced over at him and she licked her lips nervously. "Haymitch? You care deeply for my mom, right? You were looking after her then, right? Can you tell me… how was she doing during the games?" She asked worriedly. It had been bothering since she had woken up in the hospital on how bad her mom might have been for that time period.

It was his turn to wince, but he looked at Cassia and said bluntly, "How would you do with your own kid in there? She tried, Cassia, to be professional about it. She tried. It wasn't easy, because she also had… Neptune to worry about too. But not great. And with Xander... "he paused in thought. "She was pretty mad when you hooked up with him. But after a bit, she saw how he was trying to help you, so that helped some. But she was… not that great. I supported her though, don't worry none about that. And when Xander killed my tribute, she helped with that too. It's a two way street with us, Cass." He nodded at her, hoping he'd answered her question sufficiently.

"I didn't mean to worry her. Honestly, I didn't. I just...I'm not strong enough to do it all on my own. I need people there to lean on. I'm not even sure if I can make this baby live to old age." She whispered wiping at her tears.

"We all need support from someone, Cassia," Haymitch replied. "The trouble is asking. I know I hate asking. So I don't." He admitted, "That's why I'm a stupid old drunkard. But you… you're lucky. You have lots of help. Use it." He waited to see that hit home before continuing, "Just do your best. That's all anyone asks. I do the best I can. Xander did the best he could, bless him. Your job to do the same."

Cassia blinked in surprise at his wise words and then smile at him. "Thank you. I can see why mom considers you her best friend. You are grouchy with a big old soft heart inside." She teased trying to lighten up the somber mood.

Again rolling his eyes, Haymitch put on the biggest scowl he could and shook a finger at her, "You let that get around and you'll pay for it young lady! Trying to tear down my reputation, indeed. Humph."

Eyeing him, she snorted and muttered, "I don't think anyone can tear down your reputation. You're already drunk. I'm surprised you've done nothing stupid yet."

He blinked at her, then roared with laughter. "You're your mother's daughter alright. Very funny." Now his eyes had a look of curiosity as he asked one more question, "Your mother was gushing about something or other about your niece and your soon to be kid. I didn't listen to half of it… but I don't understand. What on earth do you use a  _bottle warmer_  for? Aren't your boobs warm enough?"

Her mouth fell open in surprise as her face heated up. "I… um… you… women…. it heats up the bottle." She stammered out in embarrassment.

He glanced over and then shrugged, "Oh. Okay. I know the higher up districts do strange things. We don't have any such things here. Oh well. To each their own." He grinned at her though, "You still can't beat our bread!"

Now Cassia grinned back and admitted, "No, we can't. This is the best bread I've ever tasted! Plus no fish smell or taste."

Wrinkling up his nose in disgust, Haymitch shuddered, "Yuck! I never touched that fish with a ten foot pole. But anyways, don't tell 11 that you liked the bread here better. Best not offend them, eh?" He gave a wink, and clapped her shoulder. "Go on now, scram. I wanna drink. You'd better not be seen with a drunk man. Unless you want some?"

"That's not good for the baby. Maybe I'll take you up on that offer one day. Or maybe I'll ask Finnick and Gwen to get drunk one day way in the future." Cassia mused aloud thoughtfully.

Another hearty laugh, and Haymitch made a shooing motion with his hands, "Go on now, do the mingling crap you're supposed to be doing. Don't forget to smile, even if you wanna slap them silly." Shrugging, he lightly said, "You could slap me, but then I'd slap you back and then your momma would get mad. So, shoo."

She stood up, hesitated a moment, before leaning down to kiss him softly on the cheek. "Thank you from both of us for taking care of our mom. We appreciate it, Haymitch." With that she left him alone to drink like he wanted.

* * *

Cassia waddled out silently, as silently as a six month pregnant woman could, to the dining area of the train. The lights were off for the night and she should have been sleeping but she couldn't sleep. The baby was moving around too much, kicking her as she started to doze off, so she had decided to see if there was anything she could drink that would help. Or stare out the window to try and catch the stars. Either one worked for her.

To her surprise, she wasn't the only one up in the middle of the night. There was a male figure, and figuring that it could only be a handful of guys, she walked over to him. He must have heard her though because his body spun around fast and roughly. Ready to attack.

It was automatic for her to place an arm around her stomach, step back in a defensive manner, and hold her other hand out to attack. It was probably a stupid thing of her to do because of her current state but she did it. But both she and the male relaxed when they realized who the other was.

"Geez Finnick! You nearly gave me a heart attack by doing that!" she snapped with slight irritation.

He quickly turned his hands from about to attack to a peaceful sign. "Sorry, Cass. I didn't mean that. Honestly. I was lost in my thoughts." He eyed her with comprehensive understanding in his eyes as he added, "You can't sleep either? Nightmares or?" he trailed off, unsure now.

Giving him a weak smile, she replied, "I didn't get far enough to have nightmares. The baby is active tonight. Non-stop moving and kicking. I swear he or she is going to be too active for me as they grow."

Finnick surprised her by letting out soft, honest chuckle. "That wouldn't surprise me. LaRose -" He cut himself off, letting out another laugh this with a touch of something else, "Xander seemed to be an active sort. I talked to his mentor when you first started hanging around him during that week. I wanted to get a know on the guy. To learn about him. To see if he was a help or a hindrance to you. I decided that he was going to be both a help and a hindrance. I was harsh on his mentor and even harsher on Xander. My only goal was to bring you home. But he ended saving you. And my actions toward him can't be undone now."

Cassia watched as Finnick turned his gaze out the window. She saw his guilt and a bit of his sorrow. She sighed softly and looked out the window herself, "You feel guilty because my child is going to grow up fatherless like me. Xander dying… it was his choice. Just like how he choose to do all the things in his life. But he ended up saving two lives that day and I think that would matter to him more than his own."

He was silent as he contemplated everything that had happened during Cassia's games. Finally he admitted softly, "I am sorry that your child will grow up fatherless, Cassia. But that is all I am sorrowful and guilty for. Xander wasn't my tribute. You were. I had to make sure you got out of there alive. I owed it to Isadora. She's done a lot for me than most mentors would have done."

She swallowed heavily as a wave of emotions hit her. Pain for her child. Grief for the horrors that she had seen and losing Xander. Unfairness of the cruelty of Snow and what she would have to put herself through to keep her family safe. Anger. So much anger hidden underneath everything that was directed towards the entire world. The anger leaked into her words, "So you pick and choose. Why me? I didn't deserve to be your choice. Neptune was the better one than me. We both know that."

Finnick sighed and looked at her. Cassia jolted in shock. She had been expecting to see anger at her, tiredness, or something completely opposite of what she got. He looked...burned out. As if there was a weight on his shoulders that kept pushing him deeper and deeper into a black hole. His voice sounded exhausted and completely honest, "I told you I owed Isadora. You know I am the youngest Victor to have won. Only fourteen. Not old enough to realize what being a Victor meant or what you would have to do. Isadora knew beforehand about me. I trained by myself down the beaches… training myself on different weapons. She knew I had good potential to become a Career. One of the more deadly ones. She caught me one day practicing and gave me a few tips here and there but otherwise left me alone. After everything was done… she gave me one piece of advice: do what Snow wants but turn it against him."

Her eyes widened and she sat there taking in his words slowly. Her mother had told him to take whatever Snow threw at him and turn it against him? She was flabbergasted. Questions raced through her mind: why would her mother tell Finnick that? Was it out of spite? Hate? Did her mom hold such a great hatred to Snow that she would turn everyone against him. A small niggling feeling told her that wasn't the case. That while the anger and hate was part of it there was something more going on. Something her mother and Finnick were trying to do. Something that just might go hand-in-hand with half of the things Xander had yelled out.

Cassia felt sick to her stomach. It churned at the very thought that there might be something against Snow. It was dangerous. Too dangerous for her liking. But something caused her to ask, "What do you exactly do for Snow?"

Now Finnick's eyes gleamed and he put on lazy smile. He leaned back against the couch, his arms draped across the back, and told her in his smug victor's voice, "I get to sleep with willing Capitolites."

Her eyes narrowed in thought. There was something missing from that. How could he turn whoring around against him? It made no sense to her. "I have to go to events and my child gets to play with his precious granddaughter. Who will be older than my baby by the way." She replied easily.

Finnick's smile didn't falter as he stood up. Gesturing to her stomach, he asked steadily calm as if they hadn't just been talking about President Snow, "May I? I've never felt a baby kick before."

Nodding her consent, Cassia watched curiously as he knelt down and placed a hand right between her two hands. His hand radiated heat and her heartbeat started to race. She had had a lot of people stare at her stomach, touch it as they went by, and make comments about it, but never had she had a guy place it for so long on her bump. It felt intimate and weird. Something she wasn't sure was good or not. Of course, it was as if her kid knew something and started to kick hard against their hands. Licking her lips nervously, she whispered to Finnick, "He likes you. A lot. He normally only kicks for Gwen, Mags, or Mom like this. And Annie whenever she gets excited and starts talks about how great Four is."

Finnick's eyes softened and he had a look of wonder on his face as he laughed softly. They locked eyes and Cassia could see a dozen different thoughts running through his head. He went to stand up, leaning against her, and whispered softly enough that she thought she imagined it, "I get secrets on him. Things that nobody else in Panem knows. You want to keep them safe… use this opportunity to learn about him. Find his weak spots, dig deeper into him than anyone has ever had the chance, and hold whatever you learn close.  _Keep your friends close and your enemies closer_."

Her eyes snapped up to his face but there was no hint that he had said anything to her. He gave her a small smile, patted her stomach once more, and bid her goodnight, "Goodnight, Cass. Try to get some sleep. You'll be needing it."

* * *

Paprika stride around the room, hands moving wildly, as she explained, "Cassia, my dear child, really? Falling asleep out here? That is not good for your posture or you."

Cassia thought that the best idea was to go along with her. "Sorry, Paprika. I'll try not to do it again."

That seemed to pacify the woman as she immediately moved on to improvements of yesterday's performance. Be more confident, stand up straighter, don't play with her stomach, and to follow the cue cards to a tee. Cassia tuned her out since she had already heard about it yesterday on the train. It just seemed to be a reminder or reinforcement to keep her in line.

Cassia's attention was drawn out to the window at the end of the train car. She walked over slowly, mouth open in surprise, and stared at the fence in front of them. The fence surrounding the district was thirty feet high and topped with razor wire. It had metal ground plates to prevent anyone digging beneath, and guard towers evenly spaced along it. Along the train tracks, Cassia could see about three to four cars parked along the side of the railway.

"They have a cruel local government. District Eleven is one of the poorest places to live. The people of Twelve have better houses than these ones do. They work from sunrise to sunset. They get punished easily. It is one of the more strict places." Finnick told her as he stepped beside her.

Cassia gulped as the gates opened. "Oh, wow." She said softly at all of the land that was spread out in front of them. There were many different fields for crops, orchards all over the place, and tons of herds of dairy cows. Her eyes lit up at the animals and beautiful sight before her, but they were quick to die down at the sight of shacks scattered about. Her voice cracked in horror, "Are those...do they...oh my…"

"Yeah, that's their homes. They all look underfed. Which they are. It's sad to see and even sadder to know that while watching them." Finnick's voice was soft and upset as he told her this.

Cassia wiped her eyes free from the tears. It wouldn't do to be red eyed when she went out to meet them. They did the same thing as they had in Twelve: got her decent, walked through the place to the building it was being held at, met and talked with the Mayor, gave her speech, and was now currently at the "party" they were holding for her. Luckily, none of these foods, a beautiful amount of fruits and milk, seemed to make her want to throw up. Which was entirely a good thing in her books.

She was standing up, eating some fruit, and looking around the room in attentiveness. Never in her life had she seen so many people with the same skin colour, hair, or eyes as her. It was a bit overwhelming but she was more than happy to look around. She smiled softly at the children playing, probably a rarity that they never got, when she heard a motherly laugh. In front of her was a beautiful woman that had olive skin, straight black hair that was the opposite of all the curly hair, and beautiful golden brown eyes. "Your eyes are beautiful." She blurted out, flushing in embarrassment.

She got another motherly laugh and was greeted with a warm hug, "Oh Cassia, it is such a pleasure to see you up and personal. Isadora talks a lot about you and Gwen. Such beautiful women the two of you have turned out to be."

This time there was gruff, warm laugh as a male stepped forward and planted a kiss on her lips. He grinned at her startled expression, poking fun and told her, "Your mother's reaction was a lot better than yours when I first did that to her. She just about exploded on me. It was the funniest thing I've ever saw." He let out another laugh.

Cassia looked entirely amused as the two started bickering with each other playfully. She giggled at them, covering her mouth with a hand, and told them, "Gwen would have been one to explode like mom did. They have the… ah… same temperament."

"Is Chaff bugging you, kiddo? Do I need to explode on him again?" Isadora joked half seriously as she came up to the group of three.

"I ain't doing nothing but being welcoming to her, Isadora. I swear on my one hand!" Chaff grinned easily.

"You kissed her, didn't you?!" Isadora played snapped, placing her hands on her hips.

A warm hand on Cassia's shoulder had her turning back to the woman. "I never told you my name but I'm Seeder. It's really nice to finally meet one of Isadora's daughters. And I should say congratulations on having a child of your own."

Cassia smiled warmly as the playful arguing became background noise. She immediately relaxed when around Seeder. She was kind, motherly, and positive about life. Both her and Chaff were. "Thank you. I'm nervous. I'm not sure if I am mom material."

Seeder's eyes softened and she smiled gently at the young girl. Squeezing her hand comfortingly, she told Cassia, "Your mother said the exact same thing to me when I met her. She was pregnant at the time too and scared out of her wits. But I'll tell you the same thing I told her: when someone hands you lemons you make lemonade. You make the most out of your situation and take it day by day. Life will become fuller and exciting with a little one. You will heal from this pain." She brushed back a stray lock of Cassia's hair and smiled warmly.

Cassia's breathe shuddered but she smiled kindly at Seeder. "Thank you. That makes me feel better."

"You are most welcome."

Cassia opened her mouth to say more when her mom came over with a grinning Chaff following behind. "It's time to go, kiddo. You need to get as much sleep as possible. The next district will be hard for you."

Cassia blew out a sharp breath and pressed a hand to her baby bump. "Yeah, okay." She mumbled quietly. Remembering Seeder's words, she smiled at them both halfheartedly, "It was nice to meet you both."

"The pleasure was all mine. Still… too bad about your reaction. I was hoping to get some teasing material for later use." Chaff chuckled heartily as he patted Cassia's shoulder.

"What Chaff means is that we are here for you like we are Isadora. You're part of the family now and family looks after each other." Seeder reminded her gently, pulling her into another hug and then Isadora into one. She placed a hand on each of their cheeks, "If either of you need anything don't be afraid to ask. We'll try our hardest to help you."

Isadora gave a grateful smile and squeezed the hand before dropping it. "Thanks, Seeder. See ya, Chaff. Try not to out-drink Haymitch." She said with a knowing grin.

Cassia snorted and said, "Mom? No one can out drink Haymitch. Though I have seen Chaff share drinks with him before on television."

That answer got a loud laugh from both her mom and Chaff, even Seeder laughed softly, and then she was waving them goodbye.


	30. Chapter 30

_Alice: “Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"_  
_The Cheshire Cat: “That depends a good deal on where you want to get to."_  
 _Alice: “I don’t much care where."_  
 _The Cheshire Cat: “Then it doesn’t matter which way you go."_

\- Alice in Wonderland

* * *

 

Cassia sat up with a scream echoing around the train cabin. Her heart pounded in her chest, her hair was drenched in sweat and sticking to her face. If it wasn't for the fact that she could feel the movements of the baby moving around, kicking her gently as she panted for breath, then she would be in the middle of a panic attack.

The nightmare was slipping away from her now as she clutched the sheets in her hands. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to focus on the relaxing breathing techniques she had learned with Gwen. Her heart was still pounding away but the shaking was calming down. At least it was until the door to her cabin opened and she jumped in surprise at Finnick standing in the doorway.

They stared at each other for a minute before Finnick glanced behind him and shook his head at Isadora and Kouza. He could handle this without having Cassia feel overwhelmed by everything. Not seeing if they would leave, he walked into the cabin, shutting the door behind him.

Cassia tried to take calming breaths as she watched Finnick sit down next to her. She waited for the dreaded question: “Are you okay?” She was starting to hate that question. It was asked about everything from her nightmares, to seeing Xander’s or Neptune’s ghost everywhere, to her pregnancy. She was tired of having to lie and say she was fine, when she clearly wasn’t fine. Her family and Mags had stopped asking her long ago, so she wasn’t quite sure if Finnick would.

Much to her surprise and relief, he didn’t say that, and only let out a soft, bitter laugh, “I get them too. Nightmares of the arena….of my games...the people I killed. Every single one of us do.”

“How do you deal with it?” She asked with a scratchy throat. She threw her legs over the edge of the bed and sat next to him. She took some comfort from his body heat and she was reminded of the time they had slept together in the same bed before her games. It had been comforting then, and if she were to admit to herself, she missed having the body heat of someone sleeping next to her. First, it had been that one time with Finnick. Then it had been Xander in the games until the last couple of days. Finally, Gwen had taken the spot, even if it wasn’t the same, it had still brought her comfort until she had stopped after Hali was born. She missed it. So much.

She knew it was wrong to ask him, he had a girlfriend that was quickly becoming a good friend to her, but she needed it for right now. She **_needed_** the warmth, the comfort, and the knowledge that someone was there for her. “Finnick? Can you...can you stay in here for the rest of the ride?” She asked softly with hesitation.

She looked up at him and locked gazes with his sea green eyes. Eyes that seemed brighter in the darkness of her room, and she heard him chuckle softly, “Move over a bit. You need as much rest as possible. This district visit is going to be very tolling on you. Emotionally, mentally, and physically.”

Cassia sighed in relief and scooted back to her original spot. She was happy that he had agreed and hadn’t asked any questions. He understood that she was asking for comfort and not for anything sexual. She did have to smile when they took up the same position as they had in the Capitol. This is what she had missed. The presence beside her as she drifted off into a better slumber than before.

* * *

 

Cassia walked around the banquet in a daze. She could barely remember giving the speech that Kouza had written for her. She had been too preoccupied on staring at Xander’s family on the platform, watching their expressions with sadness and guilt building in her heart, all the while stammering out the speech. She had wanted to add extra, to let both families know that she was sorry for their children not coming home, but had kept to the script. Fear of what President Snow would do after finding out Haymitch’s and her mother’s story keeping her in line. She wasn’t what Xander had hoped the Victor of the games would be, but she was trying her best to live up to his expectations and keeping everyone safe.

So for now, she concentrated on the differences that each district held. Twelve had been the poorest and her heart had gone out to them. It had seemed dark and gloomy to her. Eleven had been sunny and bright with all of the wheat fields. She had liked that one. It was interesting to see how District 10 differed from the rest, or it would have been, if this wasn’t Xander’s district. She had been walking around, ignoring the stares and murmurs, to keep herself away from Xander’s family. It was working so far.

“Hi there,” a friendly voice called out. It was a tall man who had brown hair and brown eyes. But the facial expressions looked familiar. He smiled at her and asked in a pleasant tone, “Are you enjoying District 10 so far?”

Cassia cocked her head at him. She studied him and realization hit her that this was Xander’s father. She drew in an unsettled breath and looked around for her mom. Catching her mother talking to District 10’s mentor and figuring that she was going to be alone on this matter, she plastered on a small smile and answered, “I am and I am not.”

He nodded, “I can understand that. It must be hard on you.” He settled his eyes on Cassia’s belly and sighed. He jerked his head to a nearby paddock, saying, “Come, and let me show you something.” He walked to the railing and laid his arms on the top one. In the paddock a young black horse with a white star raised its head to look at them, pinned its ears, and then dropped again to graze. It didn’t let the two of them out of its sight and did not approach.

Cassia watched the horse before glancing at Xander’s father. While he didn’t have Xander’s blonde hair and blue eyes, she was still mesmerized by how much alike they were in facial expression. “This is how I first Xander. He got off on my floor instead of the bottom one. He let me follow him out to the stables. That was the very first night we were there.” Cassia said softly.

The man took in a sharp breath, then steadied himself. “I’m Andrew, by the way. I _had_ wondered how my son met you. You looked too familiar with each other the first time you met in the arena.” Andrew’s jaw jumped, then looked again at the black horse. “That is Xena. We got his message loud and clear. She was supposed to be his…” he breathed a ragged breath but shook his head. “She’s still his. No one has touched her. And no one ever will. We will never break her.”

Cassia felt tears well up. Guilt swarmed in her stomach and her voice trembled, “I’m sorry. I truly am. I...I never wanted anyone to do something like that for me. I never wanted to bring pain on any family. But I have and I feel guilty about it. And I know there’s nothing I can do or say to make any of it better for anyone.”

Again, Andrew shook his head, but it was to quickly and softly reply, “No, don’t feel guilty. It was not your fault.” He gave a weak laugh and said, “I’m quite sure you already figured out it was nearly impossible to tell him what to do. He does things because he damn well wants to.”

Cassia wiped at her eyes and said quietly, “I’ll always feel guilty. There’s nothing I can do about that either.”

Putting a hand on her shoulder, Andrew once again looked at Xena before facing her. “I carry my own guilt, Cassia. I made too many mistakes with him. You showed me all of them. He opened up to you, and this entire Games...I learned more about Xander than I had all his life. There were so many things I never knew about him… and I should have tried to find out. I...I wish I had tried harder.” He sighed deeply but had a small smile, “Thank you, Cassia, for giving me a better understanding of him. To make me love him more all over again.”

“You’re welcome,” she said softly. She gazed at the horse and placed a hand on her belly. As much as an inconvenience this baby was, it brought her a bit of comfort. She opened her mouth, but quickly shut it, when she heard footsteps. Turning slightly, she smiled as she felt her mom’s hand rub her back comfortingly.

Isadora glanced at the guy standing with her daughter. She knew who he was; she had kept her eyes on him and the rest of the family during Cassia’s speech, and asked her daughter, “You okay? Not too riled up or upset?” She directed the last question a bit harsher at Andrew. She was only trying to make sure her daughter didn’t have an episode in front of everyone and embarrass herself. Cassia also didn’t need the added stress this was probably causing her.

Andrew politely put out a hand to Isadora to shake as he said, “I was just thanking your daughter for the insight I got on my son. I’m afraid I’m a really bad parent. Kind of… sucks… when you’re faced with your own abject failures.” He had a wry smile as he looked into Isadora’s eyes.

Isadora relaxed and apologized, “I’m sorry for my tone and words. I haven’t been the best mother to either of my daughters, and now that both are becoming mothers themselves, I just want to protect them from… well, from outside forces.”

Nodding at that, he agreed, “I get that. Very much so. I tried with Xander, but I couldn’t. I think from what I’ve seen of Cassia,” here he smiled warmly at her, “I think you’ve done a better job than me. He liked to rile people up too much.” He looked curious and stepped away, leaving Cassia to look at Xena and spoke in a low voice, “I know it’s not the best situation...but it’s rather obvious who the father is. Are you… I want to ask… are you okay with that?”

Isadora blew out a breath and ran a hand through her auburn hair. “I am. Your son, and I mean no offense by this, was an ass. He had a mouth and wasn’t afraid to use it. I caught them in the hallway one night and it was obvious. I found out later that Finnick had caught them before that. I was furious with them both for being stupid. They didn’t realize that getting close like that would hurt them more than anything. But I couldn’t do anything about it since Cassia is a big enough girl to make her own decisions. I could only be there to pick up the pieces.” She paused and locked eyes with him, “Xander saved my daughter’s life twice in that arena. I’ve already lost one daughter...and I am forever grateful to him for making sure that I never have to endure losing another one. It nearly killed me the first time around.”

Andrew listened carefully with an unreadable expression. He looked at the ground after she had finished and focused on his breathing, not wanting to cry in front of these women. Finally he looked up at her with a smile, “I know Xander is an ass. He loves pushing people’s buttons. But get **him** mad… whoo. All bets were off. I am glad he did this for your daughter. He had a choice of his own to make, and he made what he thought was the right one and damn the consequences.” Andrew paused and shook his head with a loving smile, “I am not surprised about you catching him. He is… was… a rogue. I’ve caught him more times than I care to think about!”

Isadora smiled softly. She placed a hand on his shoulder and gave him some advice, “Don’t lose yourself in your grief for him. I did that and I’m lucky Cass and Gwen turned out as great as they did.” Her eyes landed on her daughter’s belly and she sighed, “Cassia is having a hard time with the baby. Of accepting it, but she’ll come around once it’s born. And once it is, expect a lot of letters and pictures from her. She’ll want to share every milestone with you all and...I promise to keep them both safe. For my own sake and for you son.”

Now he had a grateful grin on his face. The added years seemed to drop away from him at this news, “Thank you. I always looked forward to seeing my grandchildren one day. I know it likely won’t happen for a face to face meeting, but letters and pictures! The next best thing. I will be most happy to receive them.” He patted Isadora’s shoulder then looked over at Cassia. “Go on, she’s been standing around long enough.”

He frowned slightly and added, “I had a request from someone else for Cassia. Another girl who would like to meet her privately. I’m sure you could go too, but she wants no one else. Is this okay with you? She was too shy to ask you personally.”

Isadora frowned and told him, “Cass shouldn’t be away from the people for too long. The Capitol will be watching and it’ll cause trouble. The closest thing I can get to private without causing trouble is to seclude Cass to an empty seat near the food. She needs to sit down and eat anyways. That way the people see her, they can talk privately, and anyone else that wants to talk to her can come up after.”

That made a lot of sense to Andrew. He was most in agreement with the need to cause the least possible trouble. He knew he had been watched since Xander’s death. Before that, really, because they thought that _he_ was teaching Xander to behave as he did. When they found out it wasn’t true, they more or less left him alone. He gave a curt nod to Isadora, saying, “Make it so. I’ll pass along the message.” Turning to Cassia, he took her hand once more, “I am so happy to have met you. Good luck.” With that, he turned away and headed to a house.

Cassia looked up at her mom and asked, “What were you guys talking about?”

Isadora gave a small smile and pulled her closer. “We were talking parent to parent is all? Nothing to concern yourself about with okay? I just need you to go back in there, mingle for a bit longer, and then we’ll be back on the train and head to District 9.”

Cassia huffed slightly, but settled down quickly. She gave a tired sigh, which got a squeeze of sympathy from her mom, and went back to mingling with the townsfolk. Eventually she made her way over to the food, grabbed what she wanted, and sat down to eat alone at a table. She was picking at her food, thinking about Gwen and baby Hali, when she heard soft footsteps. Looking up, Cassia plastered another smile on her face and said to the girl in front of her, “Hello. It’s nice to meet you.”

She was shy and waved at Cassia before sitting down in front of her. Finally she got the courage to speak and pushed back her blonde hair from her face, saying, “Hi. I’m Sarah. I just wanted to meet you.” She looked down at the table, a blush forming on her face.

Cassia smiled softly and pushed her food away from her. “It’s nice to meet you. Is there anything you want to talk about?” She asked politely.

Sarah suddenly blurted out without really meaning to, “I was pregnant with Xander’s child.”

“Oh,” was the only thing Cassia could come up with. She shifted in her seat uncomfortably and said, “I’m sorry?”

The shy girl sighed, and softly said, “I didn’t mean it to come out like that. You must think me rude. I meant to say...I’m _glad_ about your pregnancy. I wanted mine so much. When I lost him...it was going to be a boy… I felt like I failed both of us. I don’t know how he felt about it when I told him. He just...said okay and walked away.” She rubbed her eyes and breathed a calming breath, “I wish I could have showed you my baby. But that doesn’t change how happy I am for you.”

Cassia swallowed the tears she wanted to shed. “You should hate me for having what you lost. Why are you happy for me? Why don’t you hate me? Look at me with the same looks of hate anger everyone else does? I deserve it. The hate and anger. I deserve it because I came out with two lives while everyone else fucking died. This baby is nothing but a reminder of what I lost!” Cassia said harsher than she meant too.

“But I _want_ that reminder. Yes, he was a...I don’t normally say things like this… his words though. He was a son of a bitch. But I couldn’t help but love him. A lot of us felt the same, actually. But he loved **you**. Did you know that not once has he ever said that to one of us girls? We tried to get it from him. No one has heard it but you. That’s pretty special, Cassia.” She told her softly.

“I guessed that he never said those words to anyone before. It’s just...it’s all of my fault for all of this pain that is going around. I don’t want to bring a baby into a world that holds this kind of thing, but at the same time...I don’t want to lose it because it’ll just cause me more pain.” Cassia answered honestly.

Sarah smiled gently, “It's none of our faults. Except the people who make these things happen. I… I know you're scared. Me too. I also know that every child is a precious miracle. At least I got to hold mine. That's what got me through. I wish he had talked to me about it though. But you know him… he was…” she trailed off with a sigh.

“He was always closed off.” Cassia finished. She hesitated and told the girl, “He talked a bit about it with me. He wouldn’t say how he was feeling, but he did wonder what it would have been like to have a child. He never regretted the child, any of them, either.”

Sarah nodded with a misty eyed look. “Thank you for that.” She looked around and said, “I'd better go. I know there's other people wishing to speak to you.” Impulsively, she clasped a hand on Cassia’s, and a warm smile of friendship was on her face. Then she got up and politely took her leave before moving off into the crowd.

Cassia sighed and rubbed her eyes tiredly. This whole Victory tour was exhausting. And she wasn’t saying that because she was pregnant. It was meeting and talking to the people that the dead ones had left behind. Seeing their pain, their grief, their hatred, their anger at her and the Capitol, and their acceptance of it all...it was exhausting. She would have to ask Finnick later on how he dealt with the whole thing. He really hadn’t answered her on the train earlier. Thinking on it later, she wondered if maybe it had been long enough of a visit here.

A glance around at the still bustling people told her that she was stuck here for another hour or two at the most. Grumbling under her breath, “Why do they have to show me off? I just want to be left alone with my family and my baby.”

Nikki watched Cassia with blazing eyes. She’d stood there, shuffling her feet during the speech, her eyes on the Victor’s growing belly. However, she had sense. She’d wait until the right time to talk to her, when everyone could. At last she saw her opportunity. There was a lull in the activities going on, and Nikki slipped beside Cassia with her best snotty look. “You’re having a girl, right? The girls steal your beauty, so they say. Though I can’t see what _he_ saw in you in the first place.”

Cassia blinked up at the girl in surprise at the venom. She had known that there would be people that were angry with her like families but she knew that this girl wasn’t part of either Xander’s or Daisy’s families. “Excuse me? I don’t know what my baby’s gender is but I’m hoping for a girl.” She said politely wondering if this would help or make things worse.

The girl tossed her dark blonde hair over one shoulder and glared down at Cassia’s stomach again. “Right. Sure. Still would like to know what you did for him to get in your pants. You’re not even that pretty! I mean… yeah, sure you looked nice on screen. But Xander liked his blondes. Like me.”

“Good for you. I’m happy he liked blondes and you in particular it seems. I did nothing but be myself towards him. Now if you could please stop glaring at my stomach like it did something personal to you...I would like to move on. Unless you have something else to say?” Cassia said sweetly. She was used to this kind of behaviour from girls growing up. While she normally would have just taken it in stride she didn’t feel like doing that today. She really, _really_ , wanted to get back onto the train and out of this District.

“Just wanted you to know a few things,” she now dragged her eyes away from Cassia’s bump and up to her eyes. “I’m Nikki, for one. Do you really think he... _loved you_? I’ll have you know that the day of his reaping… right before it actually, he was already screwing two girls. Me and another girl. I didn’t tell him… but I was supposed to get pregnant! I was supposed to be the one with his child!” Her voice started to rise up almost hysterically, both in grief and anger, “Not you! Not someone from some higher up district…it was supposed to be ME!”

Cassia tore her eyes away from Nikki. Memories of her time with Xander swirled in her mind and she winced. Her hand went to her stomach and she could only imagine the grief and anger that this girl must be feeling. She forced herself to look up and whispered in desperate honesty, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that he died...that he chose to die for me. I’m sorry your plan didn’t work out. I’m sorry you aren’t pregnant with his child. But most importantly...I’m sorry that he chose someone else over you.”

Nikki crossed her arms, and spat out, “You don’t deserve it. I know he was a bad one. Daddy said to stay away from him. But I didn’t. And neither could you, apparently. Didn’t your own mother teach you anything? You w-” she was suddenly cut off by a female voice.

“Nik… don’t.” An older woman stepped forward and looked at the two of them. She sighed heavily, “This is neither the time nor the place for that kind of thing. No matter how you feel.” She was kinder as she gazed at Cassia, “I’m sorry for this outburst. We meant to give you a warm welcome. For everything you did. And for what you meant to him.”

Cassia was shaking. She could feel her body, mostly her hands shake, as she tried not cry. Her breathing was a bit heavier than normal and horrible memories were playing in front of her at the same time. It didn’t help that everyone in the District had gone deadly silent at Nikki’s first outburst and was watching them. She opened her mouth, a frightened sound escaping her lips, before she shut it. Then she felt a warm arm wrap around her. Then Finnick’s voice came through to her, smooth and easy going, as he said, “It has been a warm welcome for her. She is just worn out from all the traveling and greetings.”

His hand gave her a warm, comforting squeeze that calmed her down as she gathered her wits. Nodding in agreement with Finnick’s words, “It has been a very warm welcome. I should be thanking you all. You had two great tributes this year. It was an honour knowing them both.”

The woman nodded and glared at Nikki, who now noticed everyone staring at her. The girl flushed with embarrassment and looked down at the ground. The woman made sure she wasn’t going to say anything more, then kindly told Cassia, “I understand that it must be hard for you. With… everything. From the very beginning, to now, knowing you have to raise this child without Xander. But from what I’ve seen of you so far… I know you can do it. He believed in you. And if he did, then we can too, Cassia.” She sighed and her voice was regretful, “I didn’t know how to handle him when he was young. He told you of me in the caves. I wish I hadn’t… done the things I did. Or let my husband beat him. He… didn’t deserve that.” She had a desperate look in her face as she pleaded with the Victor, “Be patient with this child. Be kind. Don’t give up on it.”

Cassia stared at the woman in a bit of anger. She wanted to tear strips off of her for what her actions had done to Xander. But that wasn’t her place or her problem. Xander was dead. This child of his wasn’t. “It's not in my nature to treat people cruelly. This child will live in a loving home surrounded by family. Thank you for your help and your warm welcome. District 10 is a very nice place.” She said quietly.

Shona, for that’s who it was, inhaled a deep breath and nodded. “I’m glad of that. That he or she will hopefully have a better chance than we gave him. And thank you, for your kind words. Please, don’t let me disturb you any further.” She turned to Nikki and poked her hard.

Wincing at that savage poke, Nikki did mumble a “Sorry for being a bitch to you, Cassia. Congrats. On both your win. And the baby.”

“Thank you.” Cassia replied in the same polite voice as earlier. She watched them leave and soon enough the bustling started up again.

Finnick gave her a sympathetic look and a comfort rub on the arm. “You going to be okay for just a bit longer?” He asked softly in a worried voice.

Nodding at him, she gave him a ghost of a smile, “This place….it’s the most exhausting one out of them all so far. I’m already exhausted and it hasn’t even gotten that far into the feast yet.”

“I know. You only have to last a few more hours.” He pushed her plate back towards her, gesturing at it, “You really should eat. It’ll help. I promise.” He stood up, hand still on her arm and told her, “I’ll come get you myself when it’s time to go.”

After a period of peace, someone else slipped into the seat in front of her. It was a man with grey hair, sun weathered face, but a ready smile. His eyes had a hint of mystery about them though. He introduced himself easily, “Greetings, Cassia. My name is Zen. I was told to speak to you about certain things… and I believe you were told the same thing.”

Her breath hitched at the implications being said. Her eyes narrowed slightly and she said slightly irritable, “You...are Xander’s grandfather. The things you want to speak of are forbidden for a reason.”

Zen nodded carefully, and put on a smile, “Yes. While I am talking to you, look like you are enjoying my company. It's safer that way. But yes, Xander and I have had certain… dealings with things. Had he a chance to tell you much?” He finished with a laugh, like he had told a funny joke.

Cassia forced a smile and shook her head. “Not much. I didn’t want to know. I still don’t want to know. It’s safer for my family.”

The kindly old man nodded but told her, “As a Victor, especially at this time, and your association with Xander, already puts you in danger. I can't tell you everything. Nor would I. But I can tell you this. My grandson hinted at the Phoenix rising. He's right. It will happen sooner or later. And…” he glanced around and laughed as he acknowledged a friend, and turned back to Cassia, dropping his voice again. “And there are many secrets. One of which is that at the end of your tour… you will not have seen every district.”

Cassia’s eyebrows raised and she hissed softly, “Are you saying that District Thirteen is still going? That’s impossible. There is footage that they play at the beginning of **every** hunger games to prove your words wrong.”

Giving a quick shake of his head, Zen countered, “They do, but they do not show the entire footage. There **is** life there. And more than you know.” He sighed and rubbed his face. “It may take a long time for everything. We're still waiting for the pieces to come together.”

Cassia gave a sharp nod of understanding. She would keep his words in the back of her mind for now. First, she would watch her mother and Finnick to see if there was merit to Zen’s words. Her expression softened after a moment and she said honestly, “Thank you for the advice. I am sorry about Xander’s death. When we split up....I was hoping to keep him safe.”

Zen nodded sadly, and reached for a hand to squeeze. “I know. And he wished the same for you. Well, he got what he wanted.” A shrug, then a gentle tone, “I hope this child has his eyes. But even if it doesn't… he'll live on in both of you.” He gave her a sharp look, looking like he wanted to say something more about Xander. Zen bit his lip, undecided. Finally he shook his head. No, not now. Not here. So he settled for, “If ever you need something, Cassia, you can send me a message. And I will come. If I cannot, I know another who will.” Again the voice dropped, “Trust the Blue Wolf if he comes.”

Cassia frowned in confusion. “Blue Wolf? I...I’ll try. That’s the best I can offer you.” She finally settled on saying.

“That's all I ask,” Zen told her quietly. He turned at a soft hand on his shoulder and smiled at the woman. He got up to give up his seat, introducing her, “This is Lillian, my wife. Thank you for our conversation. You remember everything, okay?” Zen nodded at Cassia, then gave his wife a soft kiss on the temple before leaving the two of them alone.

Cassia gulped at Xander’s grandmother. From the bit Xander had told her of his grandmother… they had been close. Though Cassia gave the woman a watery smile and apologized guiltily, “I keep saying this to all of your family...but I am sorry for your loss.”

Lillian wiped a small tear from her eye, but gave her a smile back. It was easy to tell how kind and gentle she was. “I know. It's easier on the flip side, I think. To put yourself in danger for someone else is far easier than to have someone else put themselves in danger for you. I get it. I have a small idea of what Zen was talking about to you. He doesn't involve me for that reason.”

Cassia sighed and admitted softly, “I don’t want any part in it. I...I just want my family and baby safe. But I know that as long as these games continue… they’ll always be in danger. Even more now with Gwen and me under Snow’s watch. Just because my mother acted out a couple of times against him.”

Giving a motherly stroke on Cassia’s cheek, Lillian softly answered, “My dear, I understand that too.” She glanced away briefly, “You must have seen _his_ scars. How hard he fought against them.”

“I did.” She said quietly. She looked up at the older woman with desperate eyes. “I just got my twin and myself out of danger. We both have children and I don’t think I can bring myself to do what Xander wanted me to do. I _can’t_ risk the safety of them. I love them too much to ruin their lives like that.” She whispered in pain and desperation.

Sighing, Lillian nodded. “From what I can gather, I think he wanted you to be aware. And to pass along whatever message he or Zen gave along to trusted people. You're going to have to be careful. You're on screen, yes, but then again, you'll have opportunity to code a message. I shouldn't be saying all this but… I think Zen and Xander both believe in something important. And as much as I hate the danger aspect… I believe in **them.** ” She smiled again, a little misty eyed.

Cassia sighed herself. She rubbed her hands on her temple, feeling an oncoming headache, and sighed. “I’ll pass the message along. Maybe I’ll change my mind one day, but for now, I’m going to play it safe.”

Lillian had to agree with that decision. Xander had little care in the world, and stood prepared to lose or gain everything. So she dropped that conversation happily, and looked at Cassia’s stomach. With happiness in her voice, she asked, “May I? If you don't mind, I'd like to meet your… and Xander’s… child.”

Cassia was all too happy to jump on this new conversation. Giving a genuine smile, she grabbed Lillian’s hand and placed it on the spot the baby liked kicking the most. “It’s strong and energetic. Keeps swimming around and kicking everything in its sight.” Cassia informed her in amusement.

Giggling at that, Lillian smiled, “Stella said that when she was carrying Xander. She hoped he would settle down _after_ he was born. Nope… he was one of our most hyper kids. Stella was so proud of him anyway.” Then she squealed in delight as the baby kicked her.

Cassia let out a laugh and a wince at the same time. She rolled her eyes and said, “The baby likes you. It will only kick that hard for the ones it likes the most. Which is almost everyone it meets.”

Laughing and shaking her head at the same time, Lillian replied, “Well, I'm sorry. No matter what gender it is, it's going to be a handful! I wish Stella could have met you. She would be proud of you both. I should have told Xander more about her. Well, we all have regrets. But anyway, if this kid is anything like him… you'll lose your baby weight in no time!”

Cassia’s lips twitched upwards and she blurted out, “I’ll send letters and pictures to you all. It’s… the baby… the baby is part of your family too. It might take a few months to get them to you...but you will see and hear about every milestone it has. I promise.”

“Thank you,” Lillian replied softly. She had hopes that this one would live, but would not tell Cassia about the others. Especially not about Rudy. Her face looked weary but she smiled anyway, “It's not even born, and I love it already.” She looked up at Cassia and cupped her cheek, “And you as well. You need something, just write. I want to consider you as an honorary granddaughter. But only if you want.”

Cassia was deeply touched by the gesture. Tears welled up but she was smiling, “I would love that.” She didn’t hesitate to take off her bracelet and hook it onto Lillian’s wrist. “I want you to have that. My mother gave it me when I was younger. My sister got a necklace, but it was destroyed by Neptune in the arena. It seems appropriate for us to not have them anymore.” She paused before going serious, “I take my family’s safety seriously. I can promise you that nothing will happen to my child as long I’m still breathing. If anyone thinks of coming to hurt the baby or my niece or my mom and sister....they’ll find out that I can fight back just as furiously as the rest. This child will live to grow up old and die of old age.”

Giving a watery smile, Lillian looked at the precious bracelet then studied Cassia’s face. “This is what he wore on his ankle, isn't it? Are you sure you want to give it up? But I thank you for your promise. I will keep it in my heart, my dear.”

“I’m sure.” Cassia managed to say before another hand fell on her shoulder. Looking up at the intruder, a smile came to her face at Finnick’s presence. As it meant one thing that she had been looking forward to since she stepped foot out of the train.  “Time to go?”

Finnick let out a warm chuckle. He smiled pleasantly at the older lady talking to Cassia and said with practiced ease, “I’m sorry that I have to interrupt, but it's time for Cassia to go. Lots of places to go and speak to.”

Lillian nodded politely as she stood up. She looked at the two of them, and understanding hit her. Her eyes suddenly flashed with a dangerous fire, so like Xander, but different at the same time. She shook a finger in Finnick’s face, “You'd better damn well take care of this one. Of **both** of them. If I hear that anything happened on your watch… well, let's say that Xander didn't get all his spunk from Stella.”

Finnick gave a surprise chuckle before going completely serious. “Cass has always been my friend and she’s become one of my best friends since everything that happened. Nothing will happen to either of them on my watch. I’ll keep them safe. I have my own ways of doing that.”

Lillian gave a sigh, then stiffened as Zen came alongside. He whispered to her, then she stepped forward to Cassia’s stomach again. “Goodbye my little troublemaker!” She giggled as the baby kicked again, then was pulled back by her husband. Zen gave a wary look at Finnick. The only thing he said was, “I think you're the one we were warned about. You'd better prove yourself.” Zen gave a warm smile to Cassia before he led his wife away.


	31. Chapter 31

“ _ Every one of us is losing something precious to us. Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back again. That’s part of what it means to be alive. _ ” – Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

* * *

 

Cassia sat down at a table and rubbed her bulging stomach. For being Panem’s so called “Panem’s bread bowl” District 9 was a bit boring for her taste. Sure, it was a pretty sight of the amber sea of grain, but the factories ruined it all for her. But it was surprising that the people of District Nine were warm in a certain way. They seemed focused on their work, making grain and other stuff for all of Panem, and just too busy focusing on that and not on the tour. It was a nice change that Cassia secretly enjoyed. 

A sigh escaped her as the baby kicked again. The baby wouldn’t stop kicking and it was disagreeing with most of the food she was smelling. “Oh come on! What do you want from me?” She whined softly to her stomach. Of course she only got another kick in response which led her to sigh loudly.

A friendly voice sympathetically asked Cassia, “Baby being particular about what it wants to eat?” A gurgle accompanied the female voice as she quickly hushed her own baby.

“Yeah, it wants nothing except for bread, certain fruit, and fish. Sometimes a bit of meat but that’s not often.” Cassia told the woman before smiling gently at the baby. “You have an adorable baby. He’s very handsome.”

An easy laugh from the woman, and she introduced herself, “I’m Hazel Mikenna. But just call me Hazel, okay? And this little guy is Luka. He may be handsome, but he can be a handful!” She kissed his little forehead tenderly and smiled again at Cassia. “How is your pregnancy going, if I may ask? Of course, if it’s none of my business, just tell me.” She laughed again, “I am not easily offended!”

“It’s...hard.” Cassia admitted softly. She didn’t go into details but Hazel didn’t seem like the stupid kind of person that needed it spelled out. She could probably figure out why it was hard. Anyone could if they wished to.

“I’m sure, dear,” Hazel replied with a sympathetic smile. She thought a moment, and then brightened up, “Hey, I can give you some tips if you want! It’ll be fun. Something to look forward to. But again, I won’t mind if you say no. Some people tell me I don’t know when to shut up. And they’re afraid that Lukas is gonna be the same way!” She grinned at her son and poked him on the nose, making the baby giggle.

“There’s nothing to really look forward to. I’m only keeping it because I promised him I would. I’ve only doomed it to a horrible, painful life.” Cassia snapped quietly before apologizing, “I’m sorry. I… it’s… it’s been tough and the only one that seems to understand is my mom. Everyone thinks I should be happy and love it. But the truth is… I don’t. I’m not happy and this baby… how can I love it when I know the fate it has already? It’s too painful.”

Hazel drew Cassia aside to a quieter spot and sat down, making sure Lukas wasn’t going to cry. “I get it, Cassia, I really do. You made a beautiful promise to him. And I do understand very much what you’re going through.” She sighed and explained gently, “See, Cassia, I’m raising Lukas on my own too. My husband.. well… his little brother was killed. It was a sad time, but my husband couldn’t get over it. No matter what I said, no matter if I was pregnant.” She sobered now and kissed her baby on the head again as she softly said, “He hung himself. And left me to raise Lukas.”

“I’m sorry,” Cassia said honestly looking down. She didn’t have the heart to point out to Hazel that their situations weren’t the same in the slightest. She had to deal with Snow and everything he threw at her. Hazel only had to make sure that she behaved enough to avoid Peacekeepers. Two very different things.

The woman shook her head, and hugged her son, “He got me through it, Cassia. And he’s the light of my life now.” She smiled happily and said, “I know you said you are only keeping it for him. But you know, what they say is true. There’s nothing like a new life, dependent on you. I’m not saying it’ll be easy to just love it as soon as it’s born. But I think, if you give it a chance, you’ll find that your little one is your greatest treasure. And your most precious gift from him. And love will come eventually. Just don’t expect it right away. Give it time, okay? No rush, Cassia.” Her eyes sparked with kindness and her easy going nature shone through.

Cassia nodded and looked down at her stomach. She finally looked up at Hazel and asked hesitantly, “My twin sister.. .she… huh… she just had a daughter. My niece is three months old. Do you have any tips for her?”

Giving Cassia a knowing smile, for she wasn’t dumb, Hazel nodded. This was also for Cassia herself. She perked right up and said cheerfully, “Of course! Now, Lukas is a really active kid. Always waving about, as you can see. Sometimes that makes it hard to get him to sleep. Let me show you how I swaddle him.” She gave another broad smile as she made use of the table. Hazel quickly unwrapped the baby and then pointed out, “Okay look, he has a small blanket underneath him. I tuck one side over his arm and back under him. See? Then I do it with the other side. Now he can’t move his arms at all.” She poked the baby’s stomach, eliciting a gurgle before she now showed Cassia how to tuck up the second blanket between his legs, then wrap the rest of his body. “There now! As snug as a bug in a rug!”

“It doesn’t squish him?” She asked curiously as she leaned over the baby to inspect the bundle.

“No, it’s better if they’re wrapped up a bit snugly,” Hazel suggested. “Then they can’t wiggle around too much. Later on, when they have better control, you can…” she giggled now “unsquish him.”

“Huh. Hali doesn’t move around much. I mean she loves holding our fingers and staring at us as we talk to her. She’ll wiggle around a bit, but overall, she seems like she’s going to be a quiet baby. Which is surprising since Gwen is very active. Always needing to be moving or something.” Cassia told Hazel with a fond smile thinking of her twin and niece.

Returning the smile, Hazel leaned in and told Cassia, “Let me tell you something important. Your sister has it easy with a girl. If you have a boy, you will appreciate this tip.” She gave a wink and said, “When you change them, they seem to love to pee on you! There’s a trick to prevent that though. Take a cold damp washcloth, have your diaper ready underneath him, then slip the washcloth inside the one you want to change. I promise you, nine times out of ten, he’ll pee into it. And therefore,  _ not _ in your face as soon as you open the diaper.” She scrunched up her nose as she moved Lukas back into her lap again.

“And for a girl? They can be as active as boys.” Cassia said with a small sigh.

Giggling, Hazel said, “Well, you don’t have to worry about the peeing thing. That makes it easy. But from what I hear, they’re… hm. My momma told me, I was devious! Me? Meaning… a boy will out and out just get in trouble. A girl will try to have some sense about it.”

Cassia snorted and shook her head, “That sounds like Gwen and all the schemes she dragged us both into!”

Hazel’s eyes twinkled merrily, “Sounds like fun!” She looked at her boy and tried to think, “There was something else I wanted to say. Oh! Two things. One, most babies hate their nails cut. Why? I don’t know. I tried to ask him.” She lovingly stroked his cheek, but advised, “Instead of having a fight and a cryfest about it, do it while they’re asleep. And presto, no problems at all. Sometimes you gotta outthink the little buggers.”

“I’ll keep that in mind and I’ll tell Gwen too. And the second thing?” Cassia asked curiously.

“Well, you know babies are prone to getting gas and they get colicky that way.” Hazel told her wisely, then once again laid Lukas on the table, unwrapping him. “This is how you can help that.” She demonstrated by taking hold of his little legs and pushing them up to his stomach, pulling them out again straight, then back up to his stomach. “Do that a few times, and he’ll feel much better pretty quickly.” She smiled as she picked him up and added, “Oh, and third.  _ Always _ ,  _ always _ have an extra shirt packed with you as well as his clothes.”

“Wait… why an extra shirt?” Cassia asked in confusion as she tried to think back on when Hali might have had need for another shirt.

That got a friendly smirk from Hazel, “The shirt for  _ you _ , dear. Babies are messy things. And they’re always messing up our own clothes. And the worst thing possible is that you have a complete change of clothes for them, but you gotta go around with a messy shirt. So… don’t forget your own too!” Smiling, Hazel reached for Cassia’s hand again, gently telling her, “And don’t feel ashamed if you get too tired, or need a break from your kid. Take time for yourself, away from him or her.”

“Right now I’m more ashamed of not feeling anything for it.” Cassia admitted softly as she pulled her hand away from Hazel.

The kind woman gave a sigh, but told Cassia, “I understand. I really do. The whole circumstances must be hard. You’ve gone through so much, Cassia. And this on top of everything else... is very understandable.” She locked eyes with her new friend, for that’s how she was thinking of the Victor, “I promise you… you’ve probably heard it all before… but I promise you, it’ll get better. This child will depend on you for everything. And it’s quite a… how do I put it… an amazing, terrifying, wonderful thing all rolled into one. Don’t rush the feelings, Cassia. They’ll come eventually. One way or another. Just take care of yourself first, okay?”

“Okay. I just feel bad that I feel  _ nothing _ . I mean… it’s complicated.” She settled on after a moment. She wasn’t about to drag this innocent woman and her adorable baby into the mess she was in. She had already done that with Gwen and Hali. There wasn’t going to be anymore casualties on her watch. No more. Changing the subject, she said warmly, “It was nice meeting you, Hazel. Even more so meeting your son. He’s adorable.”

The proud smiled shone from Hazel’s face as she once more kissed her little boy. “Thank you. And I am delighted to meet you. You seem like a wonderful person, Cassia. Don’t forget that, alright? And it’s okay to not feel anything right now. Honestly. You’ve gone through a lot of trauma in a very short time. Victors are… let’s just say I understand. Don’t feel guilty or ashamed… these are all very normal things. Just go with the flow. See what happens.” Again the ready cheerful smile, and the question, “Can I send you a few messages? I like you a lot. Can I call you a friend?”

Cassia’s mouth open in a surprise as she stared at the slightly older woman. “Um… a friend? We’re… friends? I don’t have many of those.” Cassia said in a mess of confusion, happiness, and worry.

“Sure, we’re friends! And you can always use those, I think,” Hazel answered enthusiastically. “I’m always an easy going person, or at least I was before… everything happened. But I’ve gotten it back again, and let me tell you, it’s nice. But friends are always good to have!” She giggled, adding, “I know I talk too much. You’re quiet. Therefore, I think we fit!”

Cassia blinked and then smiled brightly, “I would love to have another friend.” The smile she got in return made her feel a bit better about this tour. There was good within this horrible world.

* * *

 

“Your favourite colour?” Cassia asked randomly. She was sitting across from Finnick in the seats that they had claimed for their own. It was night out and once again neither of them could sleep. So here they were again, asking each other questions to get to know each other, and just talking. 

“Yellow,” was his easy answer.

“Yellow?” She repeated in surprise. She had been thinking he would say something like blue, red, or green. Yellow had been on the colours she hadn’t been expecting. She followed this train of thought with a confused, “Why?”

Finnick laughed at her. He couldn’t help it. Her face was priceless! She looked completely surprised and turned around by his answer. Managing to get his chuckles under control, he replied with a grin, “Yellow because it’s soft and bright. It can be tranquil and reminds me of the sun and gives me warmth.”

“Huh. Interesting.” She mused as she studied him. He didn’t look like the type of person to have yellow as a favourite colour. And he was still laughing at her. Biting back a smile, she pretended to be huffy, “You can’t keep laughing at me! It was surprising to find out. Though I have to say that you did catch me off guard.” She smiled now and shook her head fondly.

He chuckled once more before leaning on his hands. His hand cupped his chin as he studied her now in curiosity, “And you? Your favourite colour?”

“Mine?” She questioned to make sure that she heard right. At his nod, she hummed, “Hm. My favourite colour? I never gave it any thought really. Let’s see… um…. hm.. .blue. Not a dark blue but the blue of the ocean and sky.”

Finnick let out a low chuckle and shook his head fondly, “Ocean blue? That suits you.” He looked at her, studying her in a curious way,  before letting out another soft laugh. “You and Gwen were the only ones to be genuinely normal to me after my games. You both acted normal around me… I could just be myself without worrying and it was nice.” He gave her a grin, “I’m glad to call you both my friends. Though you took a bit longer to form a friendship with than Gwen.”

Cassia smiled softly back at him. Her arms were circled around her stomach as she rubbed her hands on it without thinking. She did look a bit sheepish and admitted softly, “It wasn’t fair on how everyone treated you… just because you were the youngest Victor… it disgusted me to no end. I just didn’t know how to approach you. We had different interests and likes that I could never gather the courage to ask to be your friend. Besides, you and Gwen bonded faster and stronger than we ever did. You became her best friend and I couldn’t take that away from her… so I stepped away and let you guys be.”

“I know you did. Gwen knows it too. She appreciates you doing that for her and I’ve been told by Gwen herself that she loves you all the more for it. I appreciate you doing that for me and for her. She is truly my best friend.” Finnick told her honestly.

Cassia smile grew a bit wider and she mused aloud, “I wonder sometimes what it would have been like being friends with you from the start. But when I really start thinking about it... it doesn’t feel right. Like we weren’t meant to be friends until now. Does that make any sense to you?”

Finnick lay back against the backrest and laughed, “It does make sense. In its own way that I understood what you really meant. It wasn’t time for us to be friends back then. We both needed to grow up a bit.” He cocked his head at the basket beside her, “You never did say if you enjoyed District Eight. You got a great present from them. And they made one up for Gwen too. Though that’s to be expected since she’ll be in the spotlight as well. Not as much as you but enough.”

Cassia’s gaze landed on the basket beside her. It was huge, and her mom had gotten a similar one for Gwen, and Cassia was awed by it all. It had been a surprise she hadn’t been expecting but the gift from the Mayor of District Eight was a good one. They had given them both a basket full of homemade blankets. She had started crying as soon as they were presented to her and she hadn’t been able to stop thanking them. They had no need to do something as kind as giving them both basket full blankets, but they had, and Cassia was deeply touched by it. She knew her sister would be too.

She hadn’t really taken a good look of the blankets, but from the glance at Gwen’s, her sister had mostly gotten pink and white blankets with a few different coloured ones. She could have sworn she had seen a fish patterned one that had looked adorable.

Now she turned her attention to her own just as Finnick suggested, “Why don’t you take some out to look at them?”

She beamed at him with a grin, “Okay, I will. You have to hold them afterwards. Fold them nicely. I don’t want to them to wrinkle and get ruined before the baby is even born!”

“Yes, mother,” Finnick teased her as he sat up and leaned forward to watch in curiosity.

Cassia stuck her tongue out at him, enjoying this moment of silliness and normalcy, before turning back to the basket. Her fingers gently curled into one top blankets and she marvel at how soft it was. It was softer than anything she had ever felt before on her skin and she rubbed her thumb gently on the wool.

“It’s so warm and soft,” she breathed out as she lifted it gently. The first blanket was pretty. The main yarn was a light blue that had strips of yellow, green, purple, and pink. It also had four boxes on it, each one a different colour, with flowers. The second blanket was white with a trim of purple, blue, green, yellow, and orange. In the middle of the blanket was a diamond of the same colours. She had to laugh at the next one she picked up. It was blue with different coloured fish on it. The rest were similar to the first two only in different patterns and colours. Though the fish was the only animal one out of them and she felt touched that they had decided to pay homage to her home.

“Wow. They are all so pretty.” She said in wonder, staring at the pile of newly folded blanket stacked beside Finnick.

“They are beautiful. And soft like you said earlier. The kids are going to be spoiled by all of the stuff they get.” He eyed the pile before helping Cassia put it back.

“What do you mean by that?” She asked defensively.

Raising his hands out calmly and peacefully, he told her gently, “Cass… you honestly didn’t think that Capitol wouldn’t celebrate this? You gave them a reason to fall in love with you through Gwen and Hali. Hali was bound to be spoiled by them from the moment you mentioned Gwen’s pregnancy in front of them. Then your love story with Xander, ending up in a sobbing mess, and your own pregnancy… you are going to be a very big spotlight to them. They’ll spoil them in any ways they can. Mostly by outlandish stuff they don’t need, but you’ll have to accept them to keep up an image for President Snow. I wouldn’t be surprised if they started picking out names for your kid since they got deprived that of Hali.”

Cassia left a rush fury followed by horror. She had never even thought of the Capitol having a part of her child’s life unless they were in the actual Capitol. It infuriated her that her kid and her niece would never know a normal life because of the one action she had taken to get sponsors. She felt shame and despair well up as she whispered hoarsely to Finnick, “What do I do?”

He grabbed her hands and gave them a squeeze. His face was serious as he said, “You play the game like everyone else.”

* * *

 

Cassia had her nose pressed up against the window. She felt like a little girl again as she watched the trees go by. If District Twelve had been beautiful with its forest then District Seven was gorgeous. Large swathes of the region are covered with trees that probably went to the Capitol for lumber. She had been told by her mother that the citizens were down-to-earth so she was hoping for another pleasant visit. But that wish was never bound to happen. The bad always came after the good.

“You!” a female shout rang out as soon as everyone started to mingle. Cassia swung around to see a tall woman with flashing eyes. She strode up to Cassia and stood in front of her. “How could you?! Parker was so young! How could you have been so…  _ heartless _ ?! My baby is  **dead** because of you! You… you…” her face was turning red from unmasked fury as she ran out of breath and ended up just sputtering at her.

Cassia instinctively took a step back and held her hands out in a peaceful way. It was like Xander’s district all over again. Only this time it was an angry mother. Who had every right to be upset. “He put up a good fight.” She whispered, trying to appeal and please the mother without actually starting something.

Dove spat angrily, and snapped, “You barely gave him a chance! I saw everything! You…” she was shaking her finger in Cassia’s face and trembling with emotions, “You are exactly like that bastard who bred that baby! He was a heartless demon… and he taught you to be the same! You wicked bitch!” She was screeching at Cassia now. Everyone around was just too shocked to move, and stood there memorized at Dove’s actions.

The colour drained from Cassia’s face as tears welled up. She trembled from shock, pain, and anger. Oh boy was there a lot of anger. But she managed to keep her cool, knowing that this was being televised to everyone, and said softly, “I’m sorry for your loss. I’m sorry for killing your son… for killing Parker. He didn’t deserve the death he got. But he did put up a good fight and he gave me a serious injury that will last for the rest of my life. You should be proud at how bravely he fought.” She decided to ignore the bastard and baby part. She knew that a lot of people probably thought the same thing as this mother did.

Dove stared at her for a good long moment. Her body was still quivering still from her feelings. Grief and rage ripped through her and she stared at Cassia with tear-blinded eyes. At last she moved. It was faster than anyone could imagine for a larger sized woman. Dove raised her hand into a fist, and yelled, “ **This is for Parker! This is what you deserve and not even that!** ” With that, she gave a mighty swing and punched Cassia on the chest. She’d actually meant to go lower, but her own height threw off her calculations. As it was, she knocked Cassia down, and then the next moment, Peacekeepers were swarming her and holding her arms tight. She still tried to curse and scream as she was dragged away.

Cassia felt the breath leave her body as her bad leg gave out after the punch. She managed to land on her hands and knee, trying to protect her stomach, as she grunted hard. She watched through blurry eyes as the woman was dragged away. The doors were open when a Peacekeeper raised his gun and shot.

_ Bang. _

Screams and feet moved about and Cassia felt different pairs of hands lifting her up and being pushed somewhere. There was a mess of blurred bodies mixing with the loud, deafening noises. A few more shots rang out followed by more screams until there was a slamming door and silence.

Her breathing was haggard as shooting pains shot down her stomach. She groaned in pain, doubling over from it, and clutched at her stomach. It was one shooting pain after another. It didn’t help that her breathing started to become more ragged with the pain. Worry blossomed for the baby.

_ Am I going into labour? It’s too early! The baby’s not ready to come yet!  _ She thought to herself as tears started falling and she started sobbing.

“Someone get a doctor now!” Isadora shouted. Her eyes darted around dangerously as she saw no one move. All of their eyes were on Cassia. Now, they flashed in a dangerous manner and she snapped brutally at a Peacekeeper, “You! Yes, you! Get your fucking ass moving and grab a doctor.  **Now!** ”

Watching in satisfaction as he ran off, she turned to Cassia and the group around her. Shoving her way through, she noticed in gratification that Finnick had slid behind her and was whispering something in her ears that seemed to be calming Cassia down. Good. Having her panic along with the pain would only make the process of going into a early labour happen faster. Smart kid he was. Smart kid.

Isadora knelt down in front of daughter, catching Cassia’s beautiful brown eyes with her own blue ones, and rubbed her knuckles softly. “It’s going to be okay, Cass. Okay? I just need you to calm down and breath slowly with me.” She demonstrated by take a deep breath and slowly releasing it. “Yeah, just like that kiddo. In deep, out slowly. Relax into Finnick. You’re safe, the baby is safe, and everything will be fine. It’s going to be fine.” She encouraged soothingly.

Hurried footsteps and a older doctor knelt down beside Isadora. He had a balding head that was salt and pepper in colour, brown eyes that shone in concern and patience, and he had a air of confidence around him.

He gave Isadora a brisk nod and turned his attention to Cassia, “Cassia? I’m Dr Skye. I’m here to check you out, okay?” He got a strained nod from the poor girl and he took out his telescope from his bag. He pressed it against her stomach, listening carefully, moving it around to different spot, and listening to them too. Then he pressed his hands on certain parts of her stomach, feeling around before checking her heartbeat and then flashing a light into her eyes and having her follow it.

“Is she okay or not?” Isadora snapped angrily to cover up the fear she was feeling. She wished Mags was here. But she had needed Mags to stay home with Gwen and Hali. She didn’t trust Snow to not do some kind of underhanded trick and she didn’t trust Gwen to not get Snow’s attention even more. That’s the last thing they needed right now. But she trusted Mags to keep Gwen in line.

“She needs to get to the hospital in case she goes into early labor. We'll do more tests there.” Dr Skye said briskly.  He waved a hand at the homemade stretcher.

He was about to tell them to put her on it when a hovercraft landed beside them. Isadora groaned when it opened and some fancy doctors from the Capitol stepped out.

She stepped in front of Cassia, blocking her from their view, and demanded,  “Someone tell me what in the hell is going on with my daughter!”

“We're going to make sure her and the baby are healthy, Isadora.”

Turning around, she felt some relief and joy, and breathed out, “Paion. You came.”


	32. Chapter 32

" _Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful_."

\- Joshua J. Marine

* * *

Cassia panicked as her head fell back against Finnick's leg. Her stomach had shooting pains going through it, her muscles were clenching and unclenching, and it was a horrible experience. Things were going too fast for her liking and she was going into stressful hysterical despite Finnick trying to calm her down.

Then things went faster and the next thing Cassia knew she lay on the "bed", more like the stretcher that she had been on when they had started to carry her, as she felt herself get more hysterical now. Doctors from the Capitol had shown up, they had brought her down to the "hospital" that they called it in District 7, they had taken her away from her mom and Finnick leaving her all alone in a room full of unknown people, and they were now doing tests on her. Tests that weren't giving her any answers and were just making things worse.

"Where's my mom?! I want my mom!  **Give me my mom!** " Cassia screamed at the doctors as another pain shot through her. She struggled against the many hands trying to push her down. She could feel a wetness in between her legs and her fear grew as she struggled against the hands.

" **Mom? Mom! I want my mom! Give me my mom!** " She burst into sobs as her head fell back. She still struggled and screamed for answers, crying all the long, when a warm hand slipped into hers.

Her brown eyes shot up to another pair of warm eyes and the doctor's voice was soft and comforting, "Calm down, Cassia. I need you to calm down for your child's sake. All of this stress on the child, or you, isn't good. Take calming breaths and breathe slowly."

Another hand was rubbing her shoulder and a bright eyed nurse with kind brown eyes smiled at Cassia. "Hey, you can talk to me, okay? I'm going to be here right at your side. I'll take care of you, honey. You just squeeze my hand here, alright?" She slipped her hand into Cassia's free one.

Cassia slapped the hand away from her, struggling even more as her panic set in. Her breathing hitched, and for a second, she was back underneath Neptune as they fought. She couldn't move as blood pounded in her ears, her body shook beyond anything she could ever imagine, her hands hit and scratched at anything that got in her way as she struggled to get away from his pinning hands. She screamed like a trapped animal and moved around like one despite the fact that there were different voices. " **Mom! Give me my mom! Mommy!"** She screeched until her throat felt like it was on fire, but she pushed herself to continue to scream, trying to get rid of Neptune.

The voices rose in pitch, but the kind one she had heard the most recently was closest and calmest. "Cassia, you're okay. Promise." Then she seemed to be addressing others, "No, no don't hold her tight like that. Let go!" The pressure released and again the kindly tone, "Okay, no one is holding you, alright? Shhh."

Paion cupped his daughter's face carefully, his fingers slipping to her throat to feel her heart rate, as he told the nurse shortly, "Hook her up to a heart monitor. Get the breathing tubes ready along with the anesthetic. And get the head doctor to get the ultrasound room ready. I need to check on the child to see how it's doing."

"Yes, doctor," the nurse replied briskly. As she readied what he wanted, she did ask in worry, "Is it safe, doctor? For the anesthesia? In her condition?"

"It's not to put her under completely. I do not know the state of the child, but the more she stresses the more chance of the child going into distress. Its heart will rise and drop, which could cause premature birth which your hospital is not equipped for. I just want enough to calm her down to get her to the Capitol. There she will be in a place that is much more equipped and practical for her to be in case the child comes early." Paion explained briskly as he started setting up everything with the help of the nurse.

Nodding in agreement, the nurse gave him a quick smile before she slipped the mask over Cassia's face and followed Paion's instructions. She kept murmuring sweet nothings to Cassia, then sighed in relief as the young woman finally relaxed. She let the doctor know Cassia was ready for him by saying, "Your patient, doctor."

He nodded in understanding and asked the ultrasound technician to begin. He was professional enough to know what to look for even if they weren't his forte. "The child's heartbeat is beating faster than I would like. Some signs of distress. Not enough to make me worry fully, but something I would rather be cautious about." He muttered to himself, trying to think of a solution as he stared at the child on the screen. "Nurse?" He asked softly but in a brisk manner still.

"Yes, doctor?" she snapped her attention to him from the screen where she had been smiling at the wiggling blob that was a baby.

"Do you have any betamethasone here in your hospital?" He asked suddenly.

She stared at him, then shook her head apologetically, "Doctor, you've been in the Capitol too long. We don't have any here. Too rich and expensive. You're even lucky we  _have_  an ultrasound machine." She thought a moment, and sighed, "Pretty sure none of the districts have it either. I'm sorry."

He sighed softly and his eyes shut in thought. "I'm worried about the distress on the baby's heart and lungs. Cassia is only six months pregnant and they aren't fully developed yet. The betamethasone will help the child's chances of doing well in the womb for as long as it is in there. If you do not have any here, then I must ask that you help get her ready to be shuttled off into the aircraft to get to the Capitol." He explained softly as he opened his eyes to stare at his daughter with a closed off expression.

Giving him a professional smile, she reassured him, "Of course, doctor. You just leave it to me. I'll sort out the paperwork for you to sign off. And we'll get her ready before you can blink, you'll see!" She was already moving with quick and practiced hands and flashed him a more friendly smile to say that 'they got this'. "You go talk to her mom, alright?"

He paused and brought his gaze up to the nurse and asked her, "From what I saw of the ultrasound the child is a girl, correct? Her mother would wish to know."

The nurse's eyes softened and she nodded, "Yes, and what a beautiful girl it is already."

He nodded sharply and turned on his heel after giving Cassia's face a gentle brush before leaving her in the capable hands of the nurses and doctors.

Isadora shot up and was over to him before he could blink. Paion raised his hand and told her, "She's getting ready to be moved to the hospital in the Capitol. District Seven does not have the medication she needs to help her. She's fine for now. Sleeping actually. And the child is a girl according to the ultrasound."

Isadora blinked and couldn't help the surprised snort and muttered to herself, "Another girl, huh? Haymitch ain't going to be happy." Raising her voice, she asked, "Can I see my daughter yet?"

He shook his head and placed a hand on her shoulder and told her softly, "Not yet. You'll see you on the hovercraft, Isadora." He flicked his gaze to Finnick, "Take the both of you to the hovercraft and stay there. You'll see her soon. I promise."

He got a nodded, a wistful look into the direction Cassia was in, but she and Finnick left after a minute of hesitation. Paion sighed to himself and walked back into the room. Luckily, she was ready by then, and they got her into the hovercraft quickly and safely. Then they were on their way to the Capitol where he could treat her right.

* * *

Isadora leaned against Paion's wall in a numbness she hadn't felt since the death of Trent and Celestia. They had rushed to the Capitol as soon as Paion had realized that Cassia was about to give birth prematurely. There had been no time for questions on her part for how to it had come to down to this. There had only been rushing and Paion handing her keys to his house and saying to go there. Finnick had come with her only to leave again for one of his  _visits_ , but he'd back sometime later.

She shook her head as she squeezed her eyes shut in pain. She was sinking back into the darkness and she couldn't help it. It was edging up the walls, towering over her as it slowly started sinking towards her. A helpless cry escaped her lips, her hands curling into her hair, tugging it hard as she slammed head back against the wall.

Something fell to the floor with a bang and Isadora stared at the telephone she had accidentally knocked down. She needed him. She needed him even if he couldn't help. She needed a damn friend to tell her that her daughter and grandchild were going to live.

She scrambled over to it and picked it up with shaky hands. It took a few tries to get the right number in, and she nearly started crying when it rang, and pleaded into the ringtone, "Please don't be drunk. Please don't be drunk. Please don't be drunk."

It took a lot of rings, and she thought he wouldn't answer. But then someone picked up the phone.  _What the hell do you want now?_  The familiar voice snapped on the other end.

As soon as Isadora heard the familiar gruffness of her best friend's voice, she burst into sobs, unable to say anything, but hoping he would know it was and wouldn't hang up on her.

_Wha? Who? This isn't…_  a pause… _Izzy? What's the matter, hon?_

"Cass… the baby… the woman… blood… not sure if..." She tried to explain in between sobs.

_Izzy… take a deep breath. Alright? In and out. Slowly. Good girl. Now try it again. I saw that bitch of a woman punch Cassia. What happened after that? Something with the child? Slow now._

Isadora gasped for breath as she tried to calm down. Shaking hard, she swallowed and whispered, "The baby might be coming! I'm not sure because they rushed her away after giving her something to do something… and I don't know! It happened after the woman punched her. There was blood… so much blood… and then they were yelling about the baby… and Cass… oh my sweet little girl went limp… and they're just like Trent and Celestia!"

_Oh my… Izzy… I'm sorry, honey, I am. It's gotta be tough. But your girl is tough too. Just like you. I can't promise you it'll be okay, but I know they'll do what they can, alright? She's too important right now. She won the hearts of the Capitol people, and they'll be out for blood if that baby dies too. I hate saying this… I hate the fucking Capitol… but trust them for this, hon. Just for this. Nothing else. And I'm here for you… no matter what. You hear me? I'm here for you._

Her body relaxed slightly and she curled up against the wall. "I hear ya. Paion is looking after her. He came as soon as he saw. He can save her. He has to." She whispered hoarsely, "I can't go through losing another child, Haymitch. I just can't."

_I know, sweetheart, I know. If he's there, Izzy, they are both in the best of hands. He's the best one I know of that can help. He knows… a lot. And he'll do his damndest. Okay? And this is going to sound hypocritical, considering what I have in my hand right now, but stay sober, yeah?_

That got a weak laugh from her. "How you know that I want to start up again?" She asked softly. She was dying for a drink. To forget it all… the memories… the fear… the past… the unknown. She just wanted to forget it all.

_Because that's what I would do. That's what I_ _ **do**_ _do. But I'm thinking you're gonna need your senses. Be there for her. Be there for the baby. And Paion, alright? Don't push them away._ Haymitch's voice dropped softly.  _Don't do what I did._

Isadora didn't reply but let silence take them over. She was content to just lay there against the wall, listening to Haymitch on the other end, before at last she muttered, "Granddaughter. Cass has a girl. That's all I was told when they were checking Cass out at first in Seven. During an ultrasound"

_A girl? I thought I told you not to give me any more girls, Izzy! What am I supposed to do with that?_

"Protect them," she whispered softly, pleading in her voice that he protect them the best he could when she wasn't around. "Snow isn't going to be happy. The districts will be on lock down for now until he knows Cass is alright and the baby… and… I'm not sure what's going to happen to the rest of the tour. We still have six months to go before the next hunger games. I just don't know what to do!"

A deep sigh, and then a pause before Haymitch resumed, " _Sorry, you couldn't see me nod. I'll do what I can, Izzy. I'll do what I can. Honest. It's hard because I'm here and they're there, but there are ways around that. I promise to do my best, okay?_

"Okay," she whispered. She took a deep breath to calm herself slightly, listening for any sound of Paion returning, and asked hoarsely, "How bad do you think it's going to be with Snow? With all of this happening?"

_I don't know, and that's the truth. The best guess I have is… he'll be watching closely. This district, I mean. You shouldn't have too much of a problem with that for from what I saw, it was an isolated incident. I'm pretty damn sure everyone else will behave. So, I'm hoping he'll understand that it was just that stupid bitch and that's all. But… Izzy, I gotta say I'm not too sure about Two. I mean… yes, it was LaRose who killed the girl tribute when Cassia didn't… and that might cause a scuff up. But… with this… incident… it might be okay. Just be on your toes._

"That's just fucking great. I forgot about that." She rubbed her hand and muttered, "Enobaria and Brutus are Two's Victors. They weren't happy at all when they saw the death of their tributes. I do  **not** feel like dealing with them. Their games were brutal. Even more than mine. They're dangerous people." She sighed in resignation now, "I'll be on my toes. And I'm not even sure if Snow's going to continue the tour once she's better. But nevertheless, I'll be on my toes."

_You got this, Izzy,_  Haymitch reassured her. Then he switched tactics to lighten things up,  _You know, I'm not terribly happy with you. You said you wouldn't give me another girl! What am I supposed to do with all those hormones?_

"Be as blunt as usual. You can handle them. You handle me just fine." She retorted with a small smile.

A snort was heard, and then the question,  _I handle you? I thought you handled me? Bah._  He finished and she could hear the sound of him drinking something.

"You aren't making it easier on me to  _not_ drink something. You know that right?" She accused him, slightly miffed.

_Sorry, angel. You can always drink… water, ya know? I've heard it's actually supposed to be good for you. Don't take it from me though. I'm not quite sold on it yet._

"You try it and tell me how it works out for you. I'm surrounded by water most of the year." Her voice held a dry tone in it.

A laugh then a friendly question,  _How's Mags, Izzy? Still ragging on me behind my back? Gotta give it to the old girl… she's good for you lot. Me and her though… like two cats fighting. But I love it!_

She laughed softly and smiled gently, "Mags is still her upbeat self. I have no idea how she manages year after year for as long as she has. She's watching Gwen and Hali for me. More like making sure Gwen doesn't do something stupid while we're gone."

_Probably a good, wise idea. You're getting smarter, ya know, Izzy. Must be age. Who knows? Anyways, you give that girl a good hug from me when you see her. Tell Cassia she's as strong as an ox. And give that little one a tweak on the nose for me when she's born, yeah?_

Grinning now, Isadora hummed softly, "I will. Though you can do that yourself when you meet them one day."

_Alright, I look forward to that day. I wonder… who she will be more like? Never mind, Izzy. She'll be herself, and that's the important thing._

A sound came from somewhere close and Isadora cursed softly. "I got to go, Haymitch. I'll see you in six months' time for another game."

Just before she hung up the phone, she heard Haymitch say one last thing,  _You're always my best friend, Izzy. Talk to me anytime you need something. And I'll see you later!_

Isadora hung up quickly without another word as she rushed to stand up. She walked out of Paion's room and came face to face with him. Her hands came up and pressed against his chest to stop her body from ramming into him. She blinked slowly as a slight flush made itself known on her face and she backed away into the doorway quickly.

Giving an embarrassed cough, Isadora studied Paion and had to admit he still looked good after all these years. She knew that he was one of the few Capitol people to not use the makeup and services that often. Only here and there were the effects of it all, and even then, it just highlighted his most favourable features. Like his eyes that he'd passed down to her daughters and one granddaughter so far. They'd have to wait and see for Cassia's kid.

Paion studied Isadora in his quiet way as he took a step towards her. She didn't move away from as he grabbed her hand softly and gave it a squeeze of comfort. "She is fine for now. A steady heartbeat even though she is unconscious." He paused and his voice went lower, a hint of uncertainty and pain in his voice, "Your gran-"

"Our granddaughter," Isadora corrected sharply.

He gave her a soft smile and agreed, "Yes, you are correct. I apologize, Isadora. Our granddaughter… what a strange thing to say out loud finally… she is fighting for her life in her safe place as we speak. As long as she stays in Cassia's womb then she'll be fine. But do not worry, for she is a Brownell deep down." He paused and brushed a lock of hair out her face, leaning closer to her as his fingers took comfort from the fear he was feeling. He continued on in a soft voice, "Strong. Stubborn. A fighter. Just like her mother. Her aunt. Her grandmother."

Isadora stepped closer, turning the squeeze into a gentle hold of comfort, she leaned into his touch. This is how it had been the first time. Words of comforting, touches that calmed her, and made her relax into some kind of sense of security. It hit her now, watching him as pain echoed in his eyes and voice, and she knew he was in as much as pain and fear as she was. They both needed this comfort and getaway from reality.

Which is why she reached up with her other hand, stood up on her tiptoes, and kissed him hard. Feeling him respond with just as much need… need for many, many reasons. Some of the more urgent ones were the need to forget… need for comfort… and the need for something more primitive. Isadora let him back her up into the door frame as everything became more frantic between them.

_Yes,_ she thought to herself as her clothes were taken off and she was laid on the bed,  _this is exactly what we both need to get over our fear of losing our daughter and grandchild._

* * *

Gwen was sitting beside Mags, who was rocking and humming Hali to a sleep like state, while Gwen kept her eyes glued on the television broadcast. She had been glued like this with very little interruption, except when Hali needed her, for the past few days and sighed when it went to Caesar saying something during a break and her attention was lost and turned off the TV. There was nothing really interesting going to happen anyway. Not in district 7 at least.

Turning her attention to Mags and Hali, Gwen still marveled in wonder at her daughter. She'd never wanted children of her own, that had always been Cass who'd wanted it, but she had to admit that she was a little amazed at how well her daughter had turned out. She was still surprised at how pale Hali was since she was a darker skin colour. Though to be fair, all three guys had been between a light tan to pale. Genetics were such a funny thing that she didn't bother trying to understand how it worked.

A startled cry instantly brought Gwen out of her thoughts as her eyes narrowed in protectively of her daughter. But Mags had it all handled as Gwen watched in mild surprise. "You're good with her. Did you ever have your own kids, Mags?" She questioned curiously.

Mags smiled at Hali, her fingers moving gently against the baby's skin, as she replied softly, "No. My husband has long passed away before you. We decided to never have children. Safer that way."

"Oh," Gwen spoke softly, looking down at the ground with a small wince. Glancing back up, she sincerely told Mags, "I'm sorry that you never go that chance. I see how you are with us and with Hali...and you are good it."

Mags brought her smile up and gently placed a hand on Gwen's cheek. She patted it softly and told her, "You and Cassia make up for it. Bring light into my life. Light that grows with my great-grandchildren. Nothing to be sorry about."

Gwen blinked back sudden tears and coughed to cover up her sob. She didn't know why Mags' words hit her so hard, but she was grateful for them and could tell Mags meant them. In her books, Mags was the best grandma figure any kid could hope for. She and Cass had gotten really lucky by having a pretty good mom and an awesome, wise grandma figure in their life.

But uncertainty overtook her as she stoked Hali's cheek, taking comfort from her daughter's soft skin and moving chest as she breathed. "Am I… how do I be a good mom, Mags?" She blurted out unsure of how to ask what she was really feeling.

Mags looked up and smiled warmly at her. She chuckled in a scratchy way and handed Hali back to her mother. She watched as Gwen pulled the child into her arms, rocking her a bit, and cooing nonsense at Hali. She chuckled again and gave Gwen's hand a squeeze, "This is how. You are a good mom. In your own way. Every mother is different." She reassured her calmly.

Gwen's face heated up but Mags had no way of knowing that. She kept her eyes on Hali, jiggling her slightly as her mouth opened and she gurgled. A small laugh of disbelief that she had created this small life that was dependent on her.

A knock on the door had Gwen's head snapping up as Hali let out a started cry. Going to stand up at a rougher knock, Gwen stopped when a hand was placed on her shoulder and Mags walked over to the door slowly. She stood up anyways, making soft shushing noises to Hali to calm her, but moved to leaning against the back of the couch so she could keep an eye on Mags.

A scowl made a way to her face when she saw the Peacekeeper. He spoke in a steady, boasting voice that made Gwen cringe and Hali cry louder and shriller. "Hush, Hali. Its okay my little fish. It's okay. You're safe. Mommy's here. You're safe." Gwen whispered gently and softly, rocking her again.

Something falling over had Gwen's attention. She stared in horror at Mags clutching onto the table as the damn Peacekeeper pushed her out of the way and walked into  _her_ home.  _Cassia's home_.  _Their home._ That was not going to stand with Gwen as she felt fire bubbling in her stomach.

Her horror turned into anger, a feeling that she was familiar with, as she gently helped Mags up and passed her Hali. All the warnings of her mother's floated away from her mind as Gwen placed herself in front of her loved ones and hissed angrily, "What in the hell do you think you're doing to my family?! And my sister's house!"

"Are you Guinevere Brownell?" The Peacekeeper asked straightforwardly.

Gwen felt her eye twitch at the use of her full name. She hated the name Guinevere.  _Why couldn't mom just name me Gwen and be done with it? Nice, short, and simple._ She thought sullenly as she huffed and turned her attention back to the Peacekeeper.

"And? Who wants to know?" She retorted sassily, crossing her arms and straight out glaring at them when she realized that there was more than one.

The Peacekeeper sighed to himself, keeping a straight face, reached out to grab her arm. He had a strong grip around her wrist and opened his mouth to repeat his question. Only thing was that he didn't get a chance when he saw a fist coming towards his face followed by blinding pain.

He grunted in pain, heard shouts from the comrades of his, and guns being raised. There was cursing and shuffling, clicks indicating that guns were being ready to fire, and then a high pitched scream. It was shrill and loud and he shook off the dots dancing in his vision to see Guinevere again step in front of the older victor and the baby.

He cursed under his breath, pinched his fingers to nose, raised his hands in peace and yelled to get them in order, "Enough! Guns down now." He looked them each in the eye before turning his gaze to burning brown ones. They danced with a fire that was deadly and he raised an eyebrow at her in question.

It was made clear that she was smart as she quickly took in the situation, a look of hatred flashing briefly on her face before disappearing into a mask of calmness. "Yes. I'm Guinevere Brownell." She paused, looking him over quickly but taking note of where his weapons were, and asked bluntly, "First, who are you? I've never seen you here before… unless you come from the Capitol. Two, why are you here? And three, why are you here looking for me?"

Figuring that honesty would go a long way to get on her good side, he was honest in his answer, "I'm Paxon Silverhorne. Captain to this small group of Peacekeepers here. We'll be taking over for the ones retiring in District Four in the next few months. We are here under orders from President Snow to bring you, Guinevere Brownell, and your newborn child, Hali Brownell, to the Capitol."

Gwen crossed her arms, eye twitching again at the use of her name, and focused on the important stuff in what he had said. "Hali is three months old and quite smart for her age. And it's Gwen. Not Guinevere. Why does Sn… President Snow want us in the Capitol?" She asked suspiciously.

Paxon managed to keep the smile off of his face, even though he wanted to smile at how suspicious she sounded and at how she nearly said the President's name, but kept a straight face. It was his duty to keep order in districts and one girl wasn't going to stop him from his duty. "President Snow wishes for you to come to the Capitol because of your sister, Cassia Brownell, has been admitted into the Capitol hospital and is under watch of one of the best doctors has to offer her."

Gwen's eyes went wide and she went still as fear hit her. Cassia was in the hospital? But she'd been on her tour!  _She'd been just a moment ago… what in the hell had happened in that time frame for her to end up in the hospital?_ Gwen thought to herself in a panic.

Glancing back when Mags placed a worried hand on her arm, Gwen's voice was full of steel, "Give me ten minutes tops to pack a bag for both Hali and I. And Mags comes too. She's family to us and Cassia would want her there."

Paxton narrowed his hazel eyes, surprised and not liking the steel in her voice, but nodded sharply, "Deal. Ten minutes. Hurry up."

Gwen hurried to pack her bag which took no time at all. Hali's was much harder since she wasn't sure what exactly to bring but Mags helped her out. Just as they were about to head out to get Mags' bag, she cupped Gwen's face and kissed each cheek, "Go. She needs you. I stay here. Take too much time. Go."

Gwen hesitated before kissing her back on the cheek and whispering to her, "We'll be back soon, Mags. Promise. We love you." Turning her expression from vulnerable to a mask when she faced Paxon, she told him briskly, "Let's go. I need to get to my sister's side."


End file.
